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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I too sensitive? Argument with partner

117 replies

Coconutsorbet123 · 04/07/2021 14:26

Partner really wants me to take up running because he really likes running, and he wants us to do this together. I am really not very sporty or athletic at all... always was the last person picked in PE at school - and most the time I got my mum to write me a sick note so I could just sit on the sidelines as I hated it so much!

I am not overweight, I am just really not a sporty kind of person. Just not very good at it, however, I do enjoy going to the gym and doing weights.

I have always been envious of people who go jogging/running as I know how good that routine can make people feel so I decided I wanted to try the couch to 5k app.

Partner very happy about this and looking forward to us being able to run 5k together by the end.

I went for the first run yesterday and partner came with me too...I felt embarassed and self conscious running in public as I am so slow, and so unfit, breathing so heavily etc.

I said to partner as I was running... "I'm going really slow aren't I?", partner said "well... you aren't going very quick but it's an okay speed" I know that this was an honest reply - but I just wanted him to be like "no! you are doing so well!"

There were some people coming towards me and I said to partner "I don't want to run past anyone I feel embarrassed" and he said "well you are going to have to at some point" - again a truthful comment but just not what I needed to hear at the time!

I stopped and said "this is my first run and I am really self conscious and I know I have to run past people but what you said doesn't make me feel supported"

He got annoyed at me then and said he was only saying the truth, that he sees things literally, and what he said wasn't that bad. It then escalated and then I was just annoyed by his response invalidating my sensitivity. He said that I'm a baby and that I'm too sensitive. I said that his reponse makes me feel that he doesn't care about my feelings, and that yes I agree I was being sensitive because I felt self conscious, but that if I say to him that something he has said has hurt my feelings, I want to know that he cares about that and doesn't invalidate it... he said that he used to care if he upset me but he doesn't anymore because he is sick of how sensitive I am.

He said that he doesn't want to think about how/what he says or how it comes across in the moment, he says that he thinks literally, and wants to just say an honest response, even if it comes across blunt. He said he isn't an emotionally perceptive or empathetic person and he isn't going to change...

WWYD?

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 04/07/2021 14:29

Honestly it sounds like you've been pressured into running. You're not really into it and don't like it or want to do it.

So don't!

Don't do something to please someone else...not running anyway!

What would he do if you decided you loved embroidery and 'really wanted him to do it so you could do it together"??

Would he learn? Come to meetings? Honest answer.

Gladiolys · 04/07/2021 14:30

It sounds like a fundamental incompatibility tbh. For such a minor thing to escalate so much suggests there’s a deeper communication issue here.

Do you think you can change to be less sensitive? If not, you can see why it’s hard for him to change to be less practical. You’re very different people and your communication styles don’t compliment one another.

It’s not an impossible hurdle to overcome but it will require give and take from both of you. Do you think that’s possible?

Mountaingoatling · 04/07/2021 14:32

I'd read up on co-dependency. You're neither of you functioning as independent beings and looking to the other for emotional and social support in a way that's not healthy.

SalsaLove · 04/07/2021 14:32

I would take honest stock of myself and try to figure out if I’m really too sensitive, Which can be so draining on others, or if I’m not and I’m fine with my level of sensitivity. Neither of you are wrong, but it’s really about whether you’re compatible.

FuckUcuntychops · 04/07/2021 14:34

You don’t sound suited to each other at all.

Imapotato · 04/07/2021 14:38

You do sound a little sensitive, but tbh that probably because you’re being pressured into doing something you don’t really want to do.

I recently did couch to 5k and I am not a runner! I found it great and I’m still running regularly, but… in those early weeks there was no way I would have wanted to have a good runner with me, it would have made me feel awful for how slow and out of breath I was. Luckily I did it with my friend who was just as crap as me!!

So basically if you want to do it, don’t do it with your DP. But if you don’t want to do it, don’t be pressured into it. There are plenty of other forms of exercise to try.

Linzi2377 · 04/07/2021 14:40

To be brutally honest you being far too sensitive..sorry

BronwenFrideswide · 04/07/2021 14:43

I think you are unreasonable, I don't agree that what he said was bad but basically all you wanted was someone to blow smoke up your arse rather than actually try and honestly encourage you. He's said he's not going to tiptoe around your sensitivity and validate your feelings (urgh what a wanky phrase) anymore and it sounds like he's reached the end of his tether with doing so, you can either accept this or decide you are no longer compatible and find someone who will do what you require of them.

LeroyJenkinssss · 04/07/2021 14:47

Sorry but I don’t think what he said was so bad - if my partner said I was doing great when it was blatant that I was travelling at a snails pace I’d feel a bit patronised. It may have escalated into a hurtful argument but honestly in the beginning I’d also think you were being a big too sensitive.

In other aspects, how do you get on and do you feel in the same page?

Chloemol · 04/07/2021 14:53

I would stop running with him. Just tell him he can go on his own. He is obviously not going to encourage you, which is something you want him to do to support you

I would let him go out on his own, and whilst out start the couch to 5k on your own

If you don’t really want to run then tell him and carry on doing what you are doing with weights etc. Not everyone likes running

Minfilia · 04/07/2021 14:56

Really over sensitive.

Your DP did nothing wrong.

Mistressofnone · 04/07/2021 14:56

You were feeling awkward and vulnerable and needed some reassurance. I don't think he was being mean and probably thought that he was being encouraging in his own way.

I hate running and when I took it up for a while it did gradually get easier, but there is no way I could have gone running with someone else. I get so out of breath I could barely speak. I'd say give it another go at a quiet time with some fast music so you can switch off. Or just don't do it if it's not for you! I didn't continue as it wasn't something I looked forward to.

Mipapapequenaa · 04/07/2021 14:58

You know, most of that post sounds like a typical argument that occurs when people are different to one another.

But him saying "I'm not empathetic, and I don't want to change" is a difficult one because resolving this and becoming better at communicating with eachother and avoiding spats like this will require a bit of give and take from both of you.

This argument sounds very much like something me and my partner would have had 5 years ago. We've adapted. I am about 50% less likely to get upset when he says things very practically and honestly, and he is about 50% more able to think ahead and phrase things ever so slightly differently. We are very compatible in every other way and we worked on this through good communication to make sure we got on well. So it is possible to adapt! But you have to be willing to talk about it.

Have a chat about it when he's less cross and you're less upset; hopefully he'll be willing to listen 😊

MouldyPotato · 04/07/2021 15:00

He said that I'm a baby and that I'm too sensitive

I don't think the issue here is whether or not you are "too sensitive". His reaction to your sensitivity was cruel.

Doghead · 04/07/2021 15:01

It does sound like you're a little overly sensitive and you're taking your low confident issues out on him.

Doghead · 04/07/2021 15:01

*confidence

mistermagpie · 04/07/2021 15:07

Do you actually want to run? If not, then why are you doing it? It kind of sounds like you have been pressured into it in the first place, weren't enjoying it and his comments (which weren't that bad to be honest) upset you because you already weren't in a great place to receive them.

I am a runner and so is my husband but I hate running with him. He doesn't say or do anything really, but I feel self conscious in a way I don't normally (I run races and parkrun and things when it's not Covid times, so I'm not generally self conscious about running) and I just don't enjoy the process.

So if you actually want to run then try going out by yourself. And if you don't, then hit the gym and do something you do enjoy.

If he's looking for a 'couples' activity - maybe this isn't the one for you?

Branleuse · 04/07/2021 15:08

you do sound really sensitive tbh. Im not sure what you wanted him to even say. It reads like you have a script in your head and if he deviates from what you want him to say, youre upset, even if its not even that bad.

if you dont want to run, then dont run. Stick to your guns that you prefer the gym and tell him to stop hassling you about running, but theres no point going for a run reluctantly and then being a baby about it. That sounds kinda tiring

RaindropsOnRosie · 04/07/2021 15:11

It sounds like you're far too sensitive and he's slightly insensitive. Or that he's trying to not be sensitive to pander to you and instead take a firmer approach. It's not like he dragged you out for the run and forced to run past people, he was just trying to get you to push through and do it rather than giving in so easily. While your sensitive towards running past people is valid, it sounds like he was just trying to help.

TheLadyGrayson · 04/07/2021 15:12

I’m doing C25K and my partner wants us to run together once I’m on the 25min+ runs - I flat out told him no (then asked if he wanted to do my YouTube Zumba as well - guess what the answer was). It’s a brilliant programme but you don’t need an audience for it - just go at your own pace and ignore him 😂

IAmAWomanNotACis · 04/07/2021 15:14

In this instance I think you were too sensitive., However I voted YANBU because

"He said that he doesn't want to think about how/what he says or how it comes across in the moment, he says that he thinks literally, and wants to just say an honest response, even if it comes across blunt. He said he isn't an emotionally perceptive or empathetic person and he isn't going to change..."

Sounds like a person who I would not want to be my life partner.

knittingaddict · 04/07/2021 15:15

You were probably extra sensitive because you are being encouraged to do something that is both outside your comfort zone and that you have no interest in doing.

I tried jogging once and absolutely hated it and have never tried again. On the other hand I really enjoy badminton. Exercise is good, but you need to find your own way to achieve fitness, but only if you really want to.

My husband and i have lots of interests in common, but many that we don't share. My husband is a very good artist and I can't draw to save my life. He has never once suggested that I learn to please him.

Melitza · 04/07/2021 15:16

You're dp was supportive initially.
Then you threw your toys out of the pram.
WWYD?
Grow up.

chickenyhead · 04/07/2021 15:17

I'm sorry but I don't think you were 'too sensitive. You were you, but in an uncomfortable situation he had pushed you in to. Then instead on encouraging you, he was blunt, about something you didn't want to do.

I think you need stronger boundaries. You either have a desire to run, or you don't. It sounds like you don't. How did you end up there, dressed uncomfortably, surrounded by others who enjoy it, hoping the world would swallow you up.

It was a set up to fail.

There is that quote about judging a fish for its ability to ride a bike. Seems apt.

A0s for his mini rant, if it is so onerous for him to show you some respect, he can literally trot on.

Iggi999 · 04/07/2021 15:18

You need to do C25k alone (if you want to do it at all) not with an experienced runner! That's madness.

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