Am I too sensitive? Argument with partner

[Coconutsorbet123]

Partner really wants me to take up running because he really likes running, and he wants us to do this together. I am really not very sporty or athletic at all... always was the last person picked in PE at school - and most the time I got my mum to write me a sick note so I could just sit on the sidelines as I hated it so much!

I am not overweight, I am just really not a sporty kind of person. Just not very good at it, however, I do enjoy going to the gym and doing weights.

I have always been envious of people who go jogging/running as I know how good that routine can make people feel so I decided I wanted to try the couch to 5k app.

Partner very happy about this and looking forward to us being able to run 5k together by the end.

I went for the first run yesterday and partner came with me too...I felt embarassed and self conscious running in public as I am so slow, and so unfit, breathing so heavily etc.

I said to partner as I was running... "I'm going really slow aren't I?", partner said "well... you aren't going very quick but it's an okay speed" I know that this was an honest reply - but I just wanted him to be like "no! you are doing so well!"

There were some people coming towards me and I said to partner "I don't want to run past anyone I feel embarrassed" and he said "well you are going to have to at some point" - again a truthful comment but just not what I needed to hear at the time!

I stopped and said "this is my first run and I am really self conscious and I know I have to run past people but what you said doesn't make me feel supported"

He got annoyed at me then and said he was only saying the truth, that he sees things literally, and what he said wasn't that bad. It then escalated and then I was just annoyed by his response invalidating my sensitivity. He said that I'm a baby and that I'm too sensitive. I said that his reponse makes me feel that he doesn't care about my feelings, and that yes I agree I was being sensitive because I felt self conscious, but that if I say to him that something he has said has hurt my feelings, I want to know that he cares about that and doesn't invalidate it... he said that he used to care if he upset me but he doesn't anymore because he is sick of how sensitive I am.

He said that he doesn't want to think about how/what he says or how it comes across in the moment, he says that he thinks literally, and wants to just say an honest response, even if it comes across blunt. He said he isn't an emotionally perceptive or empathetic person and he isn't going to change...

WWYD?

He's right he probably won't change and become empathetic or emotionally responsive.

Are you happy to live with someone like that?

Especially one that pressures you into things you don't actually want to do.

I'm a powerlifter. I go to a rusty oil gym with lots of strongmen.

I wouldn't dream of asking them to go running! Just like I wouldn't ask a runner to come and squat with me.

When I'm at the gym I do force myself to do 10 minutes of HIIT cardio because I have been so unfit that every step feels like it could give me a heart attack, but it's not what I go to the gym for.

Fuck running.

The OP just needed someone to support to cheer her up when she was doing something way out of her comfort zone. There is nothing wrong with that and we all need that at some point. It’s not being needy or needing a puppet. It’s being human.

Her DH appropriately said he is crap at emotional support and just went for the factual approach. Which is usually fine tbh.

What I have an issue with is the fact he basically became aggressive in his answers when the OP pointed out she found it hurtful. And that he has no intention to change ever.
This is an issue because if this is his usual reaction, it will be impossible to ever communicate with him and solve (the numerous) problems they will have to face as a couple.

For goodness sake, the op is not a child. She was not performing open heart surgery for the first time. She went out for a jog!

I think it's sad not to do something because you're embarrassed, so many people run now - young, old, big, small, slow, fast, no-one will notice or care what speed you run

Nobody cares about how fast you run, it’s all in your head that you need to fix. And your partner’s answer was fine.

Actually what went wrong in this interaction was this:

1. You're self-conscious because you have been pressured into doing it and are doing it mostly because he wants you to.

2. He had no understanding of how self-conscious you were before starting therefore didn't know you needed encouragement.

3. Because you didn't really want to do it/ felt anxiety doing it, you attributed his normal responses to uncaring. Your partner didn't have that context, but you felt he should have known because running is new to you.

4. You lashed out after he essentially triggered your anxiety into overdrive. He lashed out back, too harshly, because he just wanted to enjoy his run.

5. It all escalated because no one stopped to de-escalate the conversation and calm things down.

Basically, you were both in the wrong at different points, have a calmer chat later about it all if your relationship is normally okay it's probably just an off moment.

Stick with it (best thing I ever did) but go by yourself. You have nothing to prove but you will gain in confidence and start to feel proud of yourself. You WILL improve, impossible not to, that doesn't mean to say you will be doing marathons etc (although you might want to!), but you will get to the point where you can easily run 5K and will have generally improved your health. Think of it as looking after yourself.

He said he isn't an emotionally perceptive or empathetic person and he isn't going to change...

This is the problem really - the rant it ended up with where he said he doesn't want to have to consider your feelings.

I'd certainly not be going running with him again. And I would tell him straight that you didn't enjoy it so you'll exercise alone. If he complains you can quote him back to himself and say you need to be able to say how you feel in the moment..

You're being overly sensitive. I can't see any issues with what your DP said

If you don't want to run don't run. But if you do run then don't take it out on your partner. He didn't say anything wrong.

Tbh Dh and I used to go running.
We never ran together as although I was quite a fast runner and really enjoyed it I could never have kept pace with Dh even though he wasn’t the best runner.

I think if you are going to run or jog then you do it on your own terms and not your Dp.

I too was awful at PE or any sort of games but I found I really enjoyed running
However if you are into weights then you have found what you enjoy.
Let Dp go jogging and you go to the gym.

I don’t think what he said was really off. It was just agreeing with you snd saying things will get better.

I'm sorry to say it OP but in this scenario you appear to be very hard work. He did nothing wrong during the run.

If you yourself want to run and improve just go for it. If you are giving it a go to please your partner, I don't see it ever working.

I can't quite understand why you are feeling so overly self conscious. Nobody in the world cares that you are running or how you run. You'd probably feel doubly self conscious without your DP for company.
Just go for it if it's something you want to try. You'll be astonished at how fast you will improve. Headphones in, one foot in front of the other, mix running with walking until you can do a full run. It can be a very enjoyable exercise.
And stop giving a shit about what anyone else is thinking- you running would be the last thing on anyone's mind.

So if he's all about the honesty then you told him he is a cunt right ?

Apart from calling you a baby, I don’t think what your dp said was wrong,

You sound really over sensitive and I would personally find it grating. Your partner doesn’t sound the nicest saying he isn’t empathetic and doesn’t want to change etc but he also said he used to care if he upset you but now he can’t be bothered, so is this frequent? I think if you need constant reassurance in this way and make a huge fuss when you don’t get it then that’s something you need to look at, building up your confidence.

Your partner didn't say anything wrong at all, but why on earth would you bring an experienced runner along with you to do couch to 5k? I'm currently doing it and I'm unfit, sweaty, red-faced and puffing like I've run a half marathon. I would NOT run with someone (least of all my long-distance runner DH) and I don't like running past people either so I'm running laps around the local playing field so that I can avoid as many people as possible!

I doubt I'll ever run with DH because even when I build up my fitness and stamina he'll still probably be way ahead, and we're both ok with that. We prefer to do our own thing when it comes to exercise. Do carry on the Couch to 5k program, but for goodness sake tell your partner you want to do it on your own. At least until you've built up your confidence in running.

Your partner sounds annoying and childish, to be honest. Why can’t he go running on his own? And if he’s going to browbeat you into coming too, he could at least make some sort of an effort not to make the experience any less pleasant than it already is for you.

I think it’s not really on for him to say he’s not an empathetic person and so the onus is on you not just to accommodate his brusqueness but also seemingly to do whatever he wants you to do in his spare time.

Whether or not you are sensitive isn’t really the question - it’s whether you want to keep living with someone who is so pushy and by his own admission unempathetic.

He's done nothing wrong

TBH you need to go on your own to get some confidence . I really struggle running with people as alway thinking I'm holding them up . You will be of totally different athletic abilities It's difficult for you if he's faster as you can push yourself too far and as stupid as it sound it's difficult to run with someone with a slower pace .

People really don't care about what someone looks like running past them .

Park run would be a good one loads of people run walk or even just walk it and you will see a vast range of ages ,sizes and abilities ,.

He was being fine and you were being a drama lama. And I am very slow to say that!

This is a silly spat and a sign you should not go running with him until you're super fast and don't need him to lie to you.

I'm going really slow aren't I?", partner said "well... you aren't going very quick but it's an okay speed" I know that this was an honest reply - but I just wanted him to be like "no! you are doing so well!"

I hate when people do this, sorry OP. Why are you begging for attention by fishing for compliments like this? You’re a grown adult, you know that questions can elicit a variety of responses - don’t ask questions like that if you’re going to get offended when his response isn’t what you are fishing for. He’s not a mind reader to know he should have lied about your speed and stroked your ego instead.

I also think your next two comments in the following paragraphs were childish too. Everyone starts from scratch when starting their fitness journey and being self conscious is completely normal. However your actions were just immature, not running if others are around or just stopping completely. How are you going to achieve your goals with that attitude? Sometimes you have to say fuck it and embarrass yourself if it gets you where you need to be.

Don’t run if running isn’t for you.

think it’s not really on for him to say he’s not an empathetic person

But look how he's defining empathetic in response to her criticism. He was perfectly empathic but truthful before the OP made it clear she wanted a Year 1 teacher impersonation. I think most of us would say we're just not like that.

I was seeing both sides of this right up until he started calling you names. That's not OK.

Haven't RTFT and I'm not surprised by the deluge of YABUs, this being Mumsnet aka the place where it's a sin to have emotions, let alone show them - but personally, although it does sound like you were feeling a little sensitive, my view is he should have treated this more sympathetically. It's not OK for him to label you 'too' anything and absolutely not OK for him to call you a baby. Name-calling is a form of abuse in my book.

My DH is similar, and tbh I don't think these people can really be changed, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't call your DH out on the way he speaks to you. You were making an effort and trying something outside your comfort zone, and he should have been more supportive.

I don't think he's un-empathetic, his comments were honest but not unkind - you surely don't want him to lie? That would be incredibly patronising and far more offensive. I would take his reference to an 'okay speed' as being supportive, personally.

My DH would be much more blunt - but that's autism. I don't take much notice.

Sorry - but I do think you are being over sensitive. He was 100% right that you are going to have to run past other people at some point - how can you not? And why would you care if you don't know them? In the nicest way - you need to get a grip!

That said - as PPs have already mentioned, you shouldn't feel you have to do anything you don't want to do. If you do want to run, do it with a friend. If you don't - then don't feel pressurised.

@Coconutsorbet123
Ignoring your issues with your partner for a moment... it doesn't sound like you really want to start running. So don't do it!

If you enjoy weights, try Caroline Girvan. She rocks.

If you want to improve your overall fitness and stamina, the HIIT workouts by Growingannanas are excellent.

If you want to have a go at running, Lucy Wyndham Read has a beginners at-home running programme.