Am I too sensitive? Argument with partner

[Coconutsorbet123]

Partner really wants me to take up running because he really likes running, and he wants us to do this together. I am really not very sporty or athletic at all... always was the last person picked in PE at school - and most the time I got my mum to write me a sick note so I could just sit on the sidelines as I hated it so much!

I am not overweight, I am just really not a sporty kind of person. Just not very good at it, however, I do enjoy going to the gym and doing weights.

I have always been envious of people who go jogging/running as I know how good that routine can make people feel so I decided I wanted to try the couch to 5k app.

Partner very happy about this and looking forward to us being able to run 5k together by the end.

I went for the first run yesterday and partner came with me too...I felt embarassed and self conscious running in public as I am so slow, and so unfit, breathing so heavily etc.

I said to partner as I was running... "I'm going really slow aren't I?", partner said "well... you aren't going very quick but it's an okay speed" I know that this was an honest reply - but I just wanted him to be like "no! you are doing so well!"

There were some people coming towards me and I said to partner "I don't want to run past anyone I feel embarrassed" and he said "well you are going to have to at some point" - again a truthful comment but just not what I needed to hear at the time!

I stopped and said "this is my first run and I am really self conscious and I know I have to run past people but what you said doesn't make me feel supported"

He got annoyed at me then and said he was only saying the truth, that he sees things literally, and what he said wasn't that bad. It then escalated and then I was just annoyed by his response invalidating my sensitivity. He said that I'm a baby and that I'm too sensitive. I said that his reponse makes me feel that he doesn't care about my feelings, and that yes I agree I was being sensitive because I felt self conscious, but that if I say to him that something he has said has hurt my feelings, I want to know that he cares about that and doesn't invalidate it... he said that he used to care if he upset me but he doesn't anymore because he is sick of how sensitive I am.

He said that he doesn't want to think about how/what he says or how it comes across in the moment, he says that he thinks literally, and wants to just say an honest response, even if it comes across blunt. He said he isn't an emotionally perceptive or empathetic person and he isn't going to change...

WWYD?

I haven't read the full thread but have been through similar. Either ask a friend who is also a beginner - or go on your own. I much prefer to be on my own - I am SO slow but I can plod on and achieve nearly 5k now - a couple of years ago I was managing 5k twice a week. I am a terrible runner but it was good for me. I didn't wobble like I do now, hence me taking it up again. I will never like it though!

I agree totally "like" is a word I can't use but I did manage the couch to 5K and walk a lot now.
I think if it makes you feel better then it's worth it. I have invested in a pair of goggles and swim which I love.

if you run outside you are going to see people and people are going to see you. They don't care, they are not staring at you.

However, you go to the gym? you can do the C25K on the running machine, it works very well and you can see how you get closer to running an actual 5k

Oh cmon. I’d get that if she said he was cheating and she was upset and he told her not to be Daft, but telling her she was running at wn ok speed? Seriously?

I wasn't really talking about that aspect, though. From what the OP has told us, his attitude towards her sensitivity more generally is an invalidating one, and yes I do see that as a red flag/deal-breaker.

He must feel like he is walking on eggshells every time he speaks. You sound exhausting to be honest.

@bringincrazyback

Oh cmon. I’d get that if she said he was cheating and she was upset and he told her not to be Daft, but telling her she was running at wn ok speed? Seriously?

I wasn't really talking about that aspect, though. From what the OP has told us, his attitude towards her sensitivity more generally is an invalidating one, and yes I do see that as a red flag/deal-breaker.

Oh we both have different takes, if a good example of her sensitivity is what she’s posted then I am with him, it’s too much. The Level of sensitivity and pandering required by both you and her are would have me, and most people, incredibly frustrated.

At a time when both dh and I could run 5k, we would still never do so together as he could be finished when I was finished the second kilometre - there's no enjoyment in that for either of us, whether you're the one needing to slow down or the one trying to speed up! Surely running is about slapping some music on and being alone, for most people! His insistence that you do this together is misguided.

He sounds like a running bore, and the only thing worse than a running bore is a diet bore. You sound like you don't want to be running and are too concerned with what random strangers think of you.

I don't think it's ever a good idea to ask a question and be looking for a particular answer. If you needed a lot of encouragement (which is understandable) then it's probably best if you make that clear to him up front. I'd always prefer someone to answer me honestly otherwise to me it would feel really patronising and smacks of low self esteem. The other thing I'd recommend is you do the couch to 5k on your own and then when you fitness is up go with him and see if it works or not.

He was nasty to you. Is he often unkind?

Clearly I’m in the minority here, because I would also have felt very self conscious going for a jog and trying to avoid other people. Your DP, who should be the person who encourages you, made you feel upset. I don’t think you were too sensitive.

Don’t go running unless it is something that YOU want to do. I would tell your DP that you he has put you off jogging for life. Stick to a form of exercise that you enjoy and seriously consider whether you are in the right relationship.

He was honest but not cruel with the first comment, and the second comment is a fact- how did you plan on passing the people if not whilst running? You obviously have no desire, amd shouldn't have gone in the first place- this is a hobby important to him you have no interest in participating in, and when you said no, that should have been the end of it. Don't go again, as clearly neither of you, understandably, enjoyed the experience.

my son is quite literal - but to me your partner was just being honest and you want him to treat you with kid gloves.

He’s essentially saying that you’re a difficult person to handle as he has to walk on eggshells to avoid accidentally hurting your feelings, as you’re that sensitive. Therefore he’s not trying to play that ego-stroking game anymore

TBF, he doesn't sound wrong.....

Oh we both have different takes, if a good example of her sensitivity is what she’s posted then I am with him, it’s too much. The Level of sensitivity and pandering required by both you and her are would have me, and most people, incredibly frustrated.

You're right, we have different takes. Not sure any of us are equipped to speak for 'most people' without going out there and doing a straw poll, though. (I don't take the responses on here to be indicative of any wider truths, given how unfeeling people on AIBU can be.)

Yabu. Dont run together. I'd rather someone was honest with me rather then patronising. And you will have to run past other people so it's best you just it over and done with.

I've been running for the last year, I run 5km in 30mins which isnt fast. My Dh, annoyingly, doesn't run but if he wanted to do 5km he would and has done it faster then me. Our paces will never match so I go on my own.

If you feel self conscious maybe find a beginners running group near you where everyone will be in the same boat

Your DP sounds like an arse and you sound incompatible.