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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I too sensitive? Argument with partner

117 replies

Coconutsorbet123 · 04/07/2021 14:26

Partner really wants me to take up running because he really likes running, and he wants us to do this together. I am really not very sporty or athletic at all... always was the last person picked in PE at school - and most the time I got my mum to write me a sick note so I could just sit on the sidelines as I hated it so much!

I am not overweight, I am just really not a sporty kind of person. Just not very good at it, however, I do enjoy going to the gym and doing weights.

I have always been envious of people who go jogging/running as I know how good that routine can make people feel so I decided I wanted to try the couch to 5k app.

Partner very happy about this and looking forward to us being able to run 5k together by the end.

I went for the first run yesterday and partner came with me too...I felt embarassed and self conscious running in public as I am so slow, and so unfit, breathing so heavily etc.

I said to partner as I was running... "I'm going really slow aren't I?", partner said "well... you aren't going very quick but it's an okay speed" I know that this was an honest reply - but I just wanted him to be like "no! you are doing so well!"

There were some people coming towards me and I said to partner "I don't want to run past anyone I feel embarrassed" and he said "well you are going to have to at some point" - again a truthful comment but just not what I needed to hear at the time!

I stopped and said "this is my first run and I am really self conscious and I know I have to run past people but what you said doesn't make me feel supported"

He got annoyed at me then and said he was only saying the truth, that he sees things literally, and what he said wasn't that bad. It then escalated and then I was just annoyed by his response invalidating my sensitivity. He said that I'm a baby and that I'm too sensitive. I said that his reponse makes me feel that he doesn't care about my feelings, and that yes I agree I was being sensitive because I felt self conscious, but that if I say to him that something he has said has hurt my feelings, I want to know that he cares about that and doesn't invalidate it... he said that he used to care if he upset me but he doesn't anymore because he is sick of how sensitive I am.

He said that he doesn't want to think about how/what he says or how it comes across in the moment, he says that he thinks literally, and wants to just say an honest response, even if it comes across blunt. He said he isn't an emotionally perceptive or empathetic person and he isn't going to change...

WWYD?

OP posts:

Crabbitcrab · 04/07/2021 15:23

Sounds like you want a cheerleader

30degreesandmeltinghere · 04/07/2021 15:27

You aren't 12 op... Nobody takes any notice of runners... He should need to jolly you along. Just run.
Or stay home.

redcarbluecar · 04/07/2021 15:35

I don’t blame you for feeling self conscious on your first run, but doesn’t sound like your partner said anything that bad - you probably WERE running quite slowly (I run, but so slowly that I wouldn’t do it with someone else!) and perhaps he was trying to be supportive. Sounds like it escalated into something a bit more hurtful though e.g. him calling you a baby wasn’t fair. Hope that you can resolve it when things settle a bit. And good luck with the C25K. Try to get over the thing about running past people. Headphones help!

Cocomarine · 04/07/2021 15:36

Your initial reaction was very over sensitive. I get why - but it still was. I’d have been annoyed. I actually thought what he said was nice! He said you were doing OK. I can’t stand people saying, “OMG, you go girl, that’s amazing!” for a 90 second run.

I did my first C25K today as it happens - so I am not knocking 90 seconds - I know I was all panty “fucking hell” during it 🤣

If you want to try C25K, go on your own with the podcast. It’s never going to work with an experienced runner and self conscious beginner combo.

I don’t even see a red flag in comments about not changing… not without other examples and without an example where you hadn’t first been over sensitive. I would honestly tell a partner that I couldn’t do that cheerleader bit - I would feel and sound fake, or even unintentionally sarcastic, and how would that help?

As it happens, I’ve just told my partner about my run. He listened - which I wanted. He said it sounds like you achieved what you wanted to - which I liked. But he didn’t overly praise me - which would have made me feel patronised.

ThunderBitch · 04/07/2021 15:37

I don't think he said anything bad at all. If you wanted a certain kind of response, you should have told him that. If you only want encouragement, then say that! He's not a mind reader. His answers sounded fair and supportive and it sounds like you turned it into an argument.

I don't know what to make of his claim to not be empathetic or to think about his responses. Maybe he believes that he's not empathetic because his reasonable responses were seen by you to be completely awful? It sounds like you are messing with his head, expecting him to read your mind and overreacting to his comments.

Flugbusiness · 04/07/2021 15:45

What he said when you were out running is really not bad. I think you were being very sensitive.

He shouldn't have called you a baby when you brought it up at home though, that was mean.

I used to hate cycling with my ex as he was always making comments and not being encouraging as he was a lot better at it than me. So I told him he was being a jerk and stopped cycling with him altogether! Problem solved.

BarbarianMum · 04/07/2021 15:49

If you dont want to run then don't run. Thats fine. If you are going to try running then you need to be able to do it without the drama. Agreeing then self sabotaging (which is what you are doing) is horribly pa.

1forAll74 · 04/07/2021 15:51

You do sound over sensitive, and why worry about your partners comments.They are not meaningless comments,, just in your opinion, not what you wan't to hear, so just don't respond to them in any way.

I am not sure running is the best thing for some people, if they start it anew. There are some people who have taken up running in my village,, and after a couple of months they gave up, with crocked up knees and ankles etc, and one had heart problems. I think speed walking is better than pounding about for miles and miles.

Hankunamatata · 04/07/2021 15:53

I think you were being a drama queen. He was being supportive and encouraging. It would be incredibly annoying while running to have someone going - I'm going slow, I cant run past people etc. You sound like you want him to pander to you and be a constant cheerleader

Funatlast · 04/07/2021 15:55

I think what he said about your running was fine. He shouldn’t have called you a baby but you were over-sensitive about what he said originally.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/07/2021 15:55

"He said that he doesn't want to think about how/what he says or how it comes across in the moment, he says that he thinks literally, and wants to just say an honest response, even if it comes across blunt. He said he isn't an emotionally perceptive or empathetic person and he isn't going to change..."

Is he a newish partner? How long have you been together, because that sounds like something a man would say to someone he hasn't been with that long. Because if you had been together for a while, none of that would be news to you and he wouldn't have had to point it out.

Now, as to what he said - he's a prick. The TL:DR version of the above is "get used to me calling a spade a fookin' shovel luv, and don't whine at me 'cause I ain't goin' ter listen".

Get rid.

Oh, and to pick out other parts of your OP that were a concern:

"Partner really wants me to take up running because he really likes running, and he wants us to do this together."
I know some people will go 'aww, how sweet!' at this, but it really isn't. If he liked base jumping, would he expect you to start leaping off tower blocks too? Running is what he likes. It's not what you like, even though you've tried to get into it mentally. You are a person, therefore entitled to your own likes and dislikes. You are not an accessory that he can dress himself in whilst pursuing his hobby.

"He said that I'm a baby and that I'm too sensitive."
Even if you were, he's an unsupportive prick to say that.

"he said that he used to care if he upset me but he doesn't anymore because he is sick of how sensitive I am."
Well then the relationship is over, isn't it? He doesn't care if he upsets you - he is now an ex. Please, for the love of your self-esteen, make him an ex.

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2021 15:59

You really do sound over sensitive OP and as though your DP couldn't have said anything right.

Personally I think his support and honesty was spot on.

But if you think it wasn't, don't blame him for that.

VerticalHorizon · 04/07/2021 16:02

I think he needs to understand your reluctance and how new it is to you.
It's a little harder to work out if you really don't want to be doing it, or if you think you might like to, and just need some encouragement.

I think he was pretty honest, and in some ways, it's fair that he didn't overdo the 'yeah you're doing great' routine, as that can be patronising to some people.

It might be an idea to try in the early morning, or even later in the evening, and in a location where you're less likely to be encounter others - at least until you've built up your confidence, and discovered if you really enjoy it or not.

Calling you a baby and overly sensitive is actually showing his lack of sensitivity. That needs to be addressed.
I suspect he might become frustrated very quickly, as it sounds like he's looking for a running partner, not to encourage you for your own wellbeing. Talk it through with him again, and explain your concerns, and that it needs to be a nice slow introduction where you can avoid feeling self-conscious, but also for it not to be a competition, or opportunity for him to impress you (having the opposite effect!).

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2021 16:02

I think you would do my head in, sorry.

User4748294496 · 04/07/2021 16:04

Hi OP. I did C25k a couple of years ago and it was genuinely brilliant. I was exactly like you, no interest in being sporty at all. I went out on my own and didn’t really talk to anyone about what I was doing so I wouldn’t be constantly asked how I was doing, especially if I had given up. A few months later I ran a 5K race and surprised everyone including myself. I’ve been running ever since.

I realised early on that no-one was looking at me and thinking “she’s not a runner, what a twat” because they were either not looking at me at all or just thinking “huh, another runner”. I looked like a runner because I was a runner. I was running, therefore I was a runner. And if I was sweaty and red in the face no one knew if that was because I was a total beginner or if I was 8k into a 10k run.

The reason the voices on the nhs C25k app are so encouraging is because that’s proven to be the best motivation. A carping partner who is already an experienced runner is not going to be the right running partner for you, at least not now.

Please keep going, I promise you will love it (even when you’re hating it )

Cocomarine · 04/07/2021 16:22

@WhereYouLeftItNow as to what he said - he's a prick. The TL:DR version of the above is "get used to me calling a spade a fookin' shovel luv, and don't whine at me 'cause I ain't goin' ter listen".

I agree he’s a prick, but leave off the classist stuff, yeah?

Plenty of highly educated, well spoken abusers out there, and decent men who don’t speak RP.

JediGnot · 04/07/2021 16:27

OP - please never go for a run again and instead undertake a form of exercise you would prefer!

Bluntness100 · 04/07/2021 16:27

He didn’t say anything bad and I really hate this “ you always need to validate my feelings” nonsense,You asked he answered, the bloke was running. He’s not there to validate your sensitivities. What did you want him to say? You’re running fast? You should never have to run past people?

Honestly if my husband behaved like this I’d find it a right turn off. If you don’t want to run, don’t, you’re an adult, make a decision.

VerticalHorizon · 04/07/2021 16:28

The OP wanted to try 5K of her own volition.
I don't think she should be put off by a partner's inability to support her properly.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 04/07/2021 16:31

There is

BronwenFrideswide · 04/07/2021 16:31

@Bluntness100

Honestly if my husband behaved like this I’d find it a right turn off. If you don’t want to run, don’t, you’re an adult, make a decision.

Agreed Bluntness100, OP doesn't want a partner she wants a puppet.

Therealjudgejudy · 04/07/2021 16:38

Yabu. You sound like hard work...

VerticalHorizon · 04/07/2021 16:41

You could always tell him to jog on...

wait, that's how this mess got started!

idontlikealdi · 04/07/2021 16:42

You're being too sensitive but why in earth are you doing it if you don't want to? Dh cycles, there's no way on earth I'd do it, and there's no way he would do my HIIT class.

CharlotteRose90 · 04/07/2021 16:46

Sounds like you’re both dependent on each other. Tell him to go running on his own and you carry on with the gym. For what it’s worth I wouldn’t run with someone either as I run like bambi

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