Am I too sensitive? Argument with partner

[Coconutsorbet123]

Partner really wants me to take up running because he really likes running, and he wants us to do this together. I am really not very sporty or athletic at all... always was the last person picked in PE at school - and most the time I got my mum to write me a sick note so I could just sit on the sidelines as I hated it so much!

I am not overweight, I am just really not a sporty kind of person. Just not very good at it, however, I do enjoy going to the gym and doing weights.

I have always been envious of people who go jogging/running as I know how good that routine can make people feel so I decided I wanted to try the couch to 5k app.

Partner very happy about this and looking forward to us being able to run 5k together by the end.

I went for the first run yesterday and partner came with me too...I felt embarassed and self conscious running in public as I am so slow, and so unfit, breathing so heavily etc.

I said to partner as I was running... "I'm going really slow aren't I?", partner said "well... you aren't going very quick but it's an okay speed" I know that this was an honest reply - but I just wanted him to be like "no! you are doing so well!"

There were some people coming towards me and I said to partner "I don't want to run past anyone I feel embarrassed" and he said "well you are going to have to at some point" - again a truthful comment but just not what I needed to hear at the time!

I stopped and said "this is my first run and I am really self conscious and I know I have to run past people but what you said doesn't make me feel supported"

He got annoyed at me then and said he was only saying the truth, that he sees things literally, and what he said wasn't that bad. It then escalated and then I was just annoyed by his response invalidating my sensitivity. He said that I'm a baby and that I'm too sensitive. I said that his reponse makes me feel that he doesn't care about my feelings, and that yes I agree I was being sensitive because I felt self conscious, but that if I say to him that something he has said has hurt my feelings, I want to know that he cares about that and doesn't invalidate it... he said that he used to care if he upset me but he doesn't anymore because he is sick of how sensitive I am.

He said that he doesn't want to think about how/what he says or how it comes across in the moment, he says that he thinks literally, and wants to just say an honest response, even if it comes across blunt. He said he isn't an emotionally perceptive or empathetic person and he isn't going to change...

WWYD?

What activity of yours that you excel at at has he tried out at beginner level with you alongside recently?

If he hasn't, why hasn't he?

He sounds childish and defensive. If he loves you, he will show it by respecting your right to have your own feelings, whether or not he thinks they're reasonable, and by taking them into consideration.

Nobody ever changed another person's feelings by ridiculing them, did they?

Are you sure he's mature and considerate enough to trust as a partner? If this behaviour is typical, I'd be looking for a grown-up partner in his place, especially as he has declared his refusal to change. There's no point waiting for him to grow up, is there?

and then I was just annoyed by his response invalidating my sensitivity

Meant to say, invalidation is a slippery slope and very detrimental to relationships. I think you were right to call him out on it.

Don’t go running with him. Go on your own. You can run with him when you can confidently do 5k.

I’ve been there, feeling self conscious whilst running. When I ran with DP it was worse, as I knew he could do it faster or for longer and I was holding him up and worse, he was seeing me in my red faced, flairy nostriled glory. It’s not so bad strangers seeing you for a few seconds, but I hated someone I wanted to see me as attractive seeing me like that (disclaimer - he never did anything to make me feel yucky, it was in my own head).

I think your partner’s comments were fine. I would hate to be lied to when I was in a vulnerable position like that - it’d just be the final embarrassment that he felt he needed to sugarcoat how shit I was. Problem avoided if you don’t run with him though.

I can't run in public. So self conscious. I got a treadmill. Shut all the blinds and only use it when I'm at home alone. Music blasting. Love it.

You're being sensitive, but I get it.

I don't mind the gym even though I'm hideously overweight, or a yoga/pilates class. Having failed to book the latter, DD booked us on a cardio tums legs and bums sesh. I struggled not to cry by the end of the warm pit and felt a total pillock.

If you genuinely want to give it a go, how would you feel about going out on your own for a bit rather than with your DP who sounds like a more experienced runner, then go together once you've got in the swing of it a bit more.

If you don't fancy it though, just don't go.

A long time ago I had a superfit boyfriend. I mentioned being self-conscious about him being superfit and me not being. He looked surprised and said, ' But you are my girlfriend, not my training partner.'

And there's the rub. No-one can expect their partner to take up their hobbies to please them. If he wants a training partner he needs to find someone else.

warm up

He’s essentially saying that you’re a difficult person to handle as he has to walk on eggshells to avoid accidentally hurting your feelings, as you’re that sensitive. Therefore he’s not trying to play that ego-stroking game anymore.

It’s now up to you whether you think this man is a compatible partner for you or not. There’s plenty of other men out there that may be more compatible with you and give you the support you crave.

@bringincrazyback

and then I was just annoyed by his response invalidating my sensitivity

Meant to say, invalidation is a slippery slope and very detrimental to relationships. I think you were right to call him out on it.

Oh cmon. I’d get that if she said he was cheating and she was upset and he told her not to be Daft, but telling her she was running at wn ok speed? Seriously?

I would find another sport, maybe a nice exercise class or gym and sauna and tell him you're going every week and he has to make a nice dinner.
He sounds very blunt. Not sure if he's unkind but he should respect your feelings. Make some time for yourself and your confidence will increase.

YANBU

I don't think his initial remarks were unreasonable, just being straightforward about the situation.

But when you pointed out that on this occasion given you were already out of your comfort zone you wanted support rather than him bringing up how much you needed to improve, that was a reasonable request and he was a dick to insult you and throw a tantrum about how he refused to moderate his behavior in accordance with your preferences.

Much like your partner, I'm not one for the whole cheerleader thing and prefer to be honest, but if I'm in a situation where somebody close to me says they want support I either make the extra effort to give that or say I'm not the best person to ask and back off, not have a go at them for asking.

@23andbroke

He’s essentially saying that you’re a difficult person to handle as he has to walk on eggshells to avoid accidentally hurting your feelings, as you’re that sensitive. Therefore he’s not trying to play that ego-stroking game anymore.

It’s now up to you whether you think this man is a compatible partner for you or not. There’s plenty of other men out there that may be more compatible with you and give you the support you crave.

This with bells on.

" he said that he used to care if he upset me but he doesn't anymore because he is sick of how sensitive I am. "

The kiss of death to any relationship. Leave now, it's going to get worse, not better. (Voice of experience from my youth!)

OP if you want to succeed in something it’s because you want to succeed and not because someone is telling you to!

Running isn’t for everyone, just like lifting weights isn’t for everyone. I think you were being overly sensitive but I think you were in a position of heightened anxiety and it wouldn’t have taken much to upset you.

If, and it’s a big if, you want to carry on with c25k, do it at your own pace and in an environment that makes you feel comfortable. But do it for you, you shouldn’t need validation from anyone else.

However, if you’re looking to increase your general fitness, then why not explore cardio classes at your gym? I love to run, but am also addicted to RPM, both of which improve my fitness and by default my performance!

My OH runs and cycles too, but we respect our need for time to ourselves and if we do run together, he’ll run ahead so we run at our own pace with no pressure on one another.

Find your groove and do it for you

I think he was mean when he lashed back at you, but you were too sensitive.

I think it’s quite controlling to have a desired set response in your mind and if the other person deviates from the exact wording/sentiment that you decree to be appropriate, you criticise them.

What he said was fine. You are a grown woman and going for a run shouldn’t necessitate the sort of emotional attentiveness you expected.

I do agree with previous posters that first time running should perhaps be done alone so you can build up confidence. Maybe that’s a good interim suggestion.

What he said about not changing was crap, but it might have been reactionary to the situation. How is the relationship otherwise?

I think your partner gave reasonable and fine answers. He wasn’t mean or rude, he was straightforward. He said you were doing ok and he said at some point people would see you run. I don’t really get what is so wrong with this and I’d be bemused if my partner got upset at these responses.

For what it’s worth though, I like running and my husband likes running. I refuse to run with him because I know I wouldn’t enjoy running with him. For me, running is a sport that I do alone. Draw your own boundaries and don’t put yourself in easily avoidable situations that you don’t want to be in.

I would say that you should stick to the type of exercise you like, and don’t run on hard surfaces. Even with really good running shoes, the toll on hips, knees and ankles may cause huge problems in later life. Walking - fine, running - not so!

I don't think its a question of you are too this or he is too that, as had been said it sounds to me like you might not be compatible. His comments about wanting to be able to be blunt sound defensive to me, in fact the whole thing sounds like a string of unfortunateness. have you been together long?

You need to do C25k alone (if you want to do it at all) not with an experienced runner! That's madness.

this over and over and also

he said that he used to care if he upset me but he doesn't anymore because he is sick of how sensitive I am. "

The kiss of death to any relationship. Leave now, it's going to get worse, not better. (Voice of experience from my youth!)

He doesn't sound like he cares much for anything but him.

His reply that you were going at an okay rate seems like a perfectly reasonable response to me and the answer that you are going to have to run past people at some point also seems very reasonable.I think you have turned his comments into something they are not and bleating about not feeling supported when all you have done is go for a run, is quite babyish yes.

Of course if you don’t want to run you don’t have to and personally if I were taking running up I would probably opt to start on my own rather than with an experienced runner. But that aside, I don’t see what he has done wrong.

I'm still at the Plod Around the Rec, more walking than running, stage. DP comes with me and pegs it off into the distance, stopping and waiting for me when he needs a rest.

I'm 17 stone (was 18 and a half six months ago, if not more).

Nobody is looking at me other than a few approving smiles from men running the same route (no women for some reason, probably just because of the times we go) and one who asked if I was OK when I needed to stop on particularly hot evening when the pollen count was sky high.

So nobody is going to be looking at you in a bad way. And there's no way you're going to be as slow as I am.

DP had never lifted weights before I went with him to the gym and showed him how to use the equipment. I'm better at it than him, I'm definitely stronger in some ways, but he isn't demanding headpats and me sticking to his side at all times - I'm not there to hold his hand - and if he started whining he wasn't very good at it, was he, I'd be honest. He's got very weak muscles in some groups. It's not great, but it'll do for a start until he gets stronger.

The next thing will come when pools are more open, as he's self conscious and IDGAF, as there are always women and men bigger than me in pools. It's nice to exercise with a buddy, I'd like him to get over that and it could then be used for recovery days, but if he does, I'm not fannying about reassuring him he looks fine. Get in, do it, you'll feel better afterwards. Or don't. Just don't whine about it, because I can assure you that at a BMI of 40, I've fucking heard it all before from randoms on the street and you aren't getting anything like that in the pool.

I was in a similar situation once. What I said was " I think I need to hear something like x to feel supported to get me through this"

YABU and you sound exhausting. He’s absolutely right.

He shouldn’t be having to tread on eggshells and think about telling you exactly what you want to hear lest he upset you.

I understand what's going on when he says he doesn't have the same response to upsetting you now as it seems to happen so much.

You expected him to read your mind. You expected him to protect you from the reality by giving false answers. Did your parents over protect and baby you? You are expecting an awful lot of someone to do this at all, never mind automatically do it! You're then able to go into psychobabble speak about being invalidated while allowing him to have no 'valid' response at all. He wasn't allowed to kindly tell you the truth. Then he wasn't allowed to express frustration. And this is clearly happening quite a lot because he refers to a broader theme. The fact that you can calmly say he should have been encouraging you by giving responses more akin to a preschool teacher suggests a high degree of entitlement to me. I wonder if you're ever capable of putting up with him just being himself without getting in a strop?

It seems likely that he's nice but frustrated and losing the feelings he had because your expectations are through the roof. You're very uncomfortable to be seen failing and over conscious of being evaluated which makes me wonder if you had smothering but unforgiving parents. You don't need this validation and you're putting huge burdens on the person you're with. Yes, you sound like hard work. No, you don't sound as if you mean to be. You're just self absorbed.

Yes you're being unreasonable. The little bit of insight you have at the moment is only getting you to justify your behaviour, not see what you're doing wrong. A dangerous point to be at!

Unless you can pull yourself together quickly, I think you will make yourself and him very unhappy, and that would be a shame.

You're expecting him to be like a parent. He was being nice. You don't have the right to pick at him and demand a different kind of niceness. Get some boundaries and respect his. I think you're well at risk of being picked off by a narcissistic abuser who will understand exactly how you work, say everything you want to hear and then use that to turn on you later.

This whole incident is ridiculous.

Well I think well done on going in the first place.
Who cares how slow you are. He is being honest and sometimes we don't like what we hear because it's not what we want to hear but how can our partner possibly know this. Talking from experience, red wine, running shoes and a near divorce!!!!
Listen, don't feel embarrassed you had the motivation to start well done you :-) by the way I gave up!!!