To have said no to DD14 going out with her boyfriend?

[perl0]

DD is 14 and y9 She's not 15 until December. She's been dating a boy who's just turned 15 (he's y10 though) for a few months. He's a nice boy and he's been here for tea a couple of times.

Yesterday, DD asked me if she can go to one of his friend's houses next weekend (these friends are 15 and I think one of them is 16). I don't know who these friends are and I think there'd be about 4/5 of them. I've said no, which DD is unhappy about and thinks I'm BU and she said she knows these friends so it ‘doesn't matter’.

AIBU? Just looking for an outsiders opinion.

What’s the ratio of girls / boys staying over? Where will the parents of that house be? Can you talk to them?
Could you agree a compromise of she goes for the evening but you collect her?
I don’t think I’d be letting her stay over actually.

Why dont you want her to go?

Do you mean visiting the house for some period of time? Or staying overnight? If overnight then YANBU, but if it's just a visit and you can collect her then I think YABU.

Why did you say no? At this age you won’t know her friends… I think YABVU.

Assuming it’s just going over & not staying!

Do you mean staying the night. If that's the case then absolutely not.

Staying over or just to hang out for the day?

As PP said: overnight yanbu; daytime/ evening visit yabu.

Sometimes it's easier to give a straight no, but it'll be an easier ride if you can pin down what exactly the concerns are - its a basic personal safety thing, that you don't go to random houses with people you don't know well and trust, for unspecified periods of time without some sort of appreciation of what could go awry.

Who else will be in the house, will there be alcohol, how will she get home, how will she know if she's feeling uncomfortable, how well does she (and you) know these people?

But at the same time the training wheels will need to start coming off as she'll need to have experience of assessing risk for herself.

I think there's only one other girl who will be there. I'm not sure where the parents will be and I can't speak to them as I don't know who they are. She wants to go for the evening and also stay over.

Why is staying the night different to staying all day?

Why don't you compromise and say she can go for the evening but you'll pick her up at 10?

@Ducksurprise

Why is staying the night different to staying all day?

Sex at a guess

@perl0 I think you are being unreasonable to say no without any thought of discussing it. Do you trust your daughter? Do you have a good enough relationship where by you can have an open honest conversation about sex?

I agree with your dd that it doesn't matter whether you know the friends. My parents had no idea who most of my friends were at that age. As long as you know the address and a contact number for at least 1 other there then I don't see where the issue is

@Ducksurprise

Why is staying the night different to staying all day?

I dont want her to stay the night as I don't know who the friend is or who the other friends are, I don't know if the parents will be around or if there’ll be alcohol.

I think YANBU for not wanting her to stay overnight but I would compromise and tell her you'll pick her up later on.

Let her go but say you'll pick her up at 11 or whatever her normal curfew would be.

Sex at a guess

But this is preposterous, teenagers can and do have sex in the day.

Op I'm not minimising your concern, nor suggesting that overnight is a good idea, but as a pp said it does help to look at exactly what the issues are and what you are concerned about.

I'd let her go but I would want addresses numbers and to drop her off so I know she is going where she says she is. Also to be phoned at exactly 10:30pm and by 10am to make sure she is okay, and I would tell her that if i didn't hear from her at 10.30pm I would be sending the police round to that address. She needs to know safety is important But she should also have some freedom.

I used to go to party's at 14/15 and stay the night and it never did me any harm but I do think my mum should have been more cautious but in lucky nothing bad ever happened.

Happen to know a group of teenagers who regularly do this. They play Xbox or PlayStation or whatever. I’d let them go. But that’s just me. Can’t hide them
Inside forever. And if something’s going to happen do you honestly think not staying over will stop them?? Think back.......

I am gonna say yanbu because you don't know the parents or enough about the get together. Has she been to this kind of thing before?

@godmum56

I am gonna say yanbu because you don't know the parents or enough about the get together. Has she been to this kind of thing before?

But you don't get to know senior school parents

No way would I let her stay over.

going over for how long to do what? Adults present?
YANBU really if you don't know who those friends are. (saying this because some homes in my area are 'bad company')
However, big chance is that next time she won't ask and will just lie to you.
Just tell her to be home by cetain time.

I think an outright no is a bit harsh, she’s 14, you’re not going to know all she friends all of the time. Why not ask for the parents details and speak to them? Or say she can go until 11pm and then you’ll pick her up.

If you’re going to be the parent that just outright says no to anything you deem unacceptable then you’ll also be the parent in the dark about what she really gets up to as she gets older.

I think there definitely is a difference between night and day. In the day they’ll all likely be doing some activity together, but at night when they all snuggle up on the floor is when things might happen that she wasn’t really planning for. Deffo let her go for the day but pick up 11pm/ whatever you decide.