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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said no to DD14 going out with her boyfriend?

120 replies

perl0 · 04/07/2021 10:11

DD is 14 and y9 She's not 15 until December. She's been dating a boy who's just turned 15 (he's y10 though) for a few months. He's a nice boy and he's been here for tea a couple of times.

Yesterday, DD asked me if she can go to one of his friend's houses next weekend (these friends are 15 and I think one of them is 16). I don't know who these friends are and I think there'd be about 4/5 of them. I've said no, which DD is unhappy about and thinks I'm BU and she said she knows these friends so it ‘doesn't matter’.

AIBU? Just looking for an outsiders opinion.

OP posts:

CoralSparkles · 04/07/2021 12:51

@perl0

Is her bf the only person she knows? None of her friends are going?

No, I think she knows her boyfriends friends aswell but not very well. None of her friends her age are going though.

A year 9 girl hanging out with 16 year olds she doesn’t know very well? I would be concerned about peer pressure. When I was a teen, I felt more comfortable going to parties/gatherings with a girl my own age with a mutual agreement we would both leave together if one of us felt uncomfortable. I made a mistake once (didn’t go with a close friend) aged 16 and I was taken advantage by an 18 year old.

Truthseeker456 · 04/07/2021 12:55

My parents would have let me but I got up to stuff I shouldn't have at this age . I will be stricter with my daughter

justasking111 · 04/07/2021 12:56

Speak to the parents, I hosted boy girl sleepovers, the girls slept upstairs the boys downstairs, I have bat ears. But I insisted on speaking to the parents to make sure that they were allowed to stay. They were older though. I think 14 is a bit young.

Truthseeker456 · 04/07/2021 13:06

@Cheeeeislifenow

No way, you are basically condoning sex at age 14 by allowing sleepovers unsupervised. She is 14 and doesn't matter how sensible she is teens can be easily pressurized into situations they don't feel safe in. I wished my parents would have set firmer boundaries for me when I was younger

Funny , my parents were similar and I also wished they had set firmer boundaries. Some kids will never be pressured into doing things , but some will. You are right to say no

Planty13 · 04/07/2021 13:08

I’d meet in the middle and pick her up on the evening. That way you’ll know where she is if she wants to go again.

Famousinlove · 04/07/2021 13:38

It sounds like they are planning on drinking and that's why she doesn't want to be picked up

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/07/2021 14:48

Remind her that if they have sex in the eyes of the law her bf can be prosecuted.

CoralSparkles · 04/07/2021 15:26

@Christmasfairy2020

Remind her that if they have sex in the eyes of the law her bf can be prosecuted.

If both of them are under 16 then neither of them will be prosecuted. It’s only when one of them is 16 or over.

moynomore · 04/07/2021 15:37

Remind her that if they have sex in the eyes of the law her bf can be prosecuted.

People need to stop making these sorts of statements. It is absolutely not true that a 15 year old will be prosecuted for having sex with a 14 year old. Not that I condone it, but this but simply not true. Barring assault etc. of course.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/07/2021 15:42

I’d speak to DD and say no to mixed sleep over - you don’t know boys, you don’t know if parents there. At end of day she’s only 14.
What are the plans? Maybe compromise and agree she can go for a few hours in evening and you collect.

Ducksurprise · 04/07/2021 16:19

@Christmasfairy2020

Remind her that if they have sex in the eyes of the law her bf can be prosecuted.

Yes because that's the way to maintain trust and communication with a daughter.

Do you have teenagers?

1FootInTheRave · 04/07/2021 17:44

I would look to compromise.

A straight no is likely to result in her not being open in the future.

rainbowstardrops · 05/07/2021 15:04

She would literally have two choices with me.
Yes you can go but I'll be picking you up and if you don't fancy that, well don't go then!
Non negotiable at 14

miltonj · 05/07/2021 15:15

I think you're right. If she's 14, one of the only girls, and amongst boys who are older, it's not appropriate. Those 2 years are huge at that age. I would let her go, but only for a couple of hours. And maybe try and stealthy scope out the situation... I.e does it look like a crack den or does it look like they're nice boys playing Xbox with their parents in the next room.

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/07/2021 15:21

@Zari29

Hell no. You are still the parent here. She is 14. A child.

THIS. It's not "being unreasonable" at all not to allow a 14 year old girl to attend what is a party overnight with boys present.

It's not about "trusting her" - it's about not trusting the boys. My close friend's 13 year old was raped at such a party, during the day, back in the mid-90s. By an older boy she knew from school.

miltonj · 05/07/2021 15:25

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

My DD would be fine, she wouldn't have sex or let anyone talk her into having sex, and woe betide anyone who tries! Do you trust your DD?

Very naive.

2bazookas · 05/07/2021 15:36

I wouldn't let a 14 yr old go for a sleepover on their very first date, at a strange house. Far too much pressure when they have barely had chance for any physical contact yet. You don't know and can't control (neither can she) if there will be drugs, booze, porn films etc, any of which could be very challenging for her. Or other couples having sex.

Kids that age should have a safe first solo date lasting a few hours , cinema trip, shopping, picnic by the river, hill walk etc.

Original poster

perl0 · 11/07/2021 12:12

Thought I'd update.

I let DD go and I picked her up at about 10:30. She seemed upset and she said she hated her boyfriend. I kept asking her why and she wouldn't say, but she eventually told me that her boyfriend took a big bottle of cider and offered it everyone, they all said no and the older boy (who's house it was) told him to stop drinking as he agreed with his parents there'd be no alcohol. Her boyfriend didn't listen, and got very drunk and asked DD to have sex with him, she said no but he kept asking so the older boy told him to shut up and tried to take the bottle off of him and her boyfriend punched him and told him he deserved it . The older boy called her boyfriends mum and he went home. DD then was with his friends and she said that was fun because they watched a film but they all were annoyed at her boyfriend for ruining it.

OP posts:

Brakebackcyclebot · 11/07/2021 12:21

Sounds like DD's boyfriend is an arse, but older friend is very sensible and trustworthy. Hope your DD will be dumping boyfriend quick smart.

I'm a parent of teens. We can't protect them from everything by keeping them home 'safe'. Sounds like your DD had a bit of an eye opener. I'd chat with her about what she could take away from the experience in a few days.

With my DCs, we have an arrangement that if they are out and uncomfortable, they message me a text that just says "X". I will then call them and they can make me the bad guy if they want/need to be picked up/come home.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/07/2021 12:23

Thanks for update. Your instincts were right! Good she’s talking and communicating with you.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/07/2021 12:24

@Ducksurprise

Why is staying the night different to staying all day?

If you know you're going to be seeing your mother at 9pm you're much less likely to do the kind of things you can get away with if you're not seeing her until 12pm. And there will be less pressure to have sex. Not saying people don't do drugs and have sex in the day of course

Zari29 · 11/07/2021 12:26

This is exactly why I comment as I did below. A child of 14 should not be in a 'relationship'. They don't have any sort of emotional maturity for a relationship at this age and behaving as if they are adults. Can you just imagine if the older boy didn't intervene? I would nip this relationship nonsense right now.

Kanaloa · 11/07/2021 12:31

Oh dear, sounds a bit of a mess. Lucky the older friends seemed such sensible and nice boys. If there’s a silver lining at all, it’s wonderful that your 14 year old is so open and trusts you that she can tell you these things - that support will be important for her in her life.

Belliphat · 11/07/2021 12:38

I am a bit late but the dynamic between a year 9 girl and a group of older boys is rarely healthy. She has been really lucky here because there has been a strong and capable male friend. Have there been another who acted as an encourager to the boyfriend it would have been terrifying.

Staying in the night is different to the day because a lack of adults being around and the use of alcohol and or drugs messes with inhibitions. Also the exploitative boys know that the year 9 girls allowed to be out all night are a much safer target then those with strict curfews.

It’s a no to hanging out with groups of boys at night, you encourage your house where possible and don’t give too much credence to the term ‘relationship’ at that age.

Original poster

perl0 · 11/07/2021 12:39

@Zari29

I can't stop her from being in a relationship. DD will probably break up with her boyfriend now though, as she has said she hates him.

OP posts:

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