Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To have said no to DD14 going out with her boyfriend?

120 replies

perl0 · 04/07/2021 10:11

DD is 14 and y9 She's not 15 until December. She's been dating a boy who's just turned 15 (he's y10 though) for a few months. He's a nice boy and he's been here for tea a couple of times.

Yesterday, DD asked me if she can go to one of his friend's houses next weekend (these friends are 15 and I think one of them is 16). I don't know who these friends are and I think there'd be about 4/5 of them. I've said no, which DD is unhappy about and thinks I'm BU and she said she knows these friends so it ‘doesn't matter’.

AIBU? Just looking for an outsiders opinion.

OP posts:

Original poster

perl0 · 04/07/2021 10:57

I do trust her and I have spoken to her about sex and contraception etc.

I don't want her to stay over as I don't know who the friends are and as she'd also be the youngest and there would be mostly boys! I don't know the parents either, or if they'll be there or not.

OP posts:

CatsArePeople · 04/07/2021 10:58

overnight with boys - strictly no

BarefootHippieChick · 04/07/2021 11:01

I agree with others in letting her go but picking her up at say 10.30 or 11. Presumably she will know the others going? I don't know a lot of my teens friendship group, that's just the way it is as they get older. Also, why does it matter if parents are there or not? If your dd feels uncomfortable in any way during the evening then she can call you and you can pick her up.

HollysBush · 04/07/2021 11:01

So, YANBU. I think she is a little young for mixed sleepovers with people you don’t know. Crazy idea,in the future, maybe she can invite them to stay over at your place then you’ll get to know them!
My DS was invited to sleepover with his girlfriend at her house (both 14, only been together couple months) We were shocked and said no. He was fine with it.

TaraR2020 · 04/07/2021 11:01

Going to go against the grain and agree with you, she's only 14, YANBU

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/07/2021 11:02

YABU. My daughter weekly boarded. We often had a flat full of friends (male and female) staying over as they preferred a weekend in London to dull old Surrey. We picked them up from concerts, fed them after cinema or hanging out. Didn’t know any of the parents. One rang me to tell me not to give her daughter alcohol - like I would give a 14 year old alcohol, but obviously if they bought it and drank it during the day, I wouldn’t be there to police it. But apart from that, no contact from any parents at all.

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/07/2021 11:03

From personal experience which I'd rather not discuss if she's she's only girl def not.

Golden2021 · 04/07/2021 11:04

Definitely she should be allowed to go. She has to learn to navigate situations. Definitely no staying over.

Doghead · 04/07/2021 11:04

You're v unreasonable not to let her go. I can understand not letting her stay overnight, but not letting her go altogether is extremely controlling.

Be very careful. How you handle these teenage years will set the tone for the future of your relationship with her.

Horehound · 04/07/2021 11:05

I think you made the right choice tbh. I know what I was like at that age and I used to go stay at my bfs friends house. We would have fun but also cider/booze and sex too.

Christmasfairy2020 · 04/07/2021 11:05

I'd also ensure she has the implant in place

Horehound · 04/07/2021 11:05

Yes to going but not staying over

girlmom21 · 04/07/2021 11:06

@Christmasfairy2020

I'd also ensure she has the implant in place

That's completely her daughters choice.

DariaMorgendorffer · 04/07/2021 11:07

YANBU. Staying over? Not a chance.

rainbowstardrops · 04/07/2021 11:10

No way would I let her stay over at 14, especially as it'll be mainly boys there and you don't know the family etc.
I'd probably let her go for the evening but say you'll be picking her up at whatever time you think is reasonable.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 04/07/2021 11:12

I would say no to the sleep over. Yes to going for the evening.

Malbecfan · 04/07/2021 11:12

I would also compromise and say she could stay until say 11pm but I would collect her (and her bf) and take them both to their respective homes.

At some point you have to start trusting them. At some point, the bf will realise that having you onside is a good thing as it means he can see more of her (as in, spend more time with her). I don't have all the answers, but I have 2 DDs in their 20s so I have been there. However, as I taught in their school, I also knew most of their friends and some parents too.

Teens push boundaries. With my DDs I would say "don't drink too much". It was a given that they would be offered alcohol. They were always offered it at home so it was not mysterious or glamorous. They would work out what they could drink so that they looked cool, but still remained in control. DD2 was freaked out by one of her "friends" drinking 4 cans of lager then throwing up in someone's garden, so that was a good deterrent.

We live rurally, so if they wanted to go to a party and drink, they needed the parent-taxi to turn up at the end. That meant they had to be ready at the right time and in the right place, or text to tell us if the plan changed. I am miserable enough that if they piss me off, it's a no next time. They learn very quickly!

CoralSparkles · 04/07/2021 11:14

Can you compromise? Say she can go over, but you’ll pick her up at 10pm or something? At 14, I think she’s a little young to be having sleepovers with 16 year old boys.

You need to have another talk on peer pressure and consent. It is okay to say no. Also about not accepting drinks that are open (drugs can be slipped in) and never leave drinks, even with a friend because they won’t guard it with their life.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 04/07/2021 11:15

My DD would be fine, she wouldn't have sex or let anyone talk her into having sex, and woe betide anyone who tries! Do you trust your DD?

Ducksurprise · 04/07/2021 11:16

@rainbowstardrops

No way would I let her stay over at 14, especially as it'll be mainly boys there and you don't know the family etc. I'd probably let her go for the evening but say you'll be picking her up at whatever time you think is reasonable.

What is the logic behind this though, with teenagers, it's beneficial to be able to explain why you are not allowing it.

Neuts346 · 04/07/2021 11:17

I’d let her go but collect her at 11pm. This is what I do with my DS of the same age.
He moans like hell about it, but after what I’ve seen going on it’s the right decision until they’re older and more responsible.

Feelingbad2 · 04/07/2021 11:17

This is so hard, my daughter is the same age and not interested in boys in the slightest. However I was very different and had boyfriends from the age of 13. I think I would say it was ok to be there in the evening but not sleep over. I think a talk with her about sex, feeling pressured etc would be wise. X

PixieKitten · 04/07/2021 11:17

I'm with you op. Too many unknowns

Young girl, older boys, maybe alone in a house overnight, alcohol, could be a bad situation

princesslarmadrama · 04/07/2021 11:21

Like others have suggested let her go but offer to pick her up at around 11pm etc.

CoRhona · 04/07/2021 11:22

I would allow an evening visit, not a sleepover.

And I would make it clear that if I messaged her I would expect a response (to minimise possiblity of her getting pissed).

Flip

1 2 3 4 5