Page 5 | To have said no to DD14 going out with her boyfriend?

perl0 · 2021-07-04T09:11:40+00:00

DD is 14 and y9 She's not 15 until December. She's been dating a boy who's just turned 15 (he's y10 though) for a few months. He's a nice boy and he's been here for tea a couple of times. Yesterday, DD asked me if she can go to one of his friend's houses next weekend (these friends are 15 and I think one of them is 16). I don't know who these friends are and I think there'd be about 4/5 of them. I've said no, which DD is unhappy about and thinks I'm BU and she said she knows these friends so it ‘doesn't matter’. AIBU? Just looking for an outsiders opinion.

rainbowstardrops · 11/07/2021 12:57

I'm glad you picked her up and she also had others looking out for her. Could have gone very wrong otherwise.

motogogo · 11/07/2021 12:58

You took the approach I did. Teach them to be strong in their own mind, and that it's ok to talk to you and call you to pick them up. Mine are adults now, but I had several dilemmas like yours along the way. You have a level headed dd there

Original poster

perl0 · 11/07/2021 13:22

I'm glad DD and the older boys were sensible. I'm shocked at her boyfriends behaviour as he seemed like a nice lad! DD is shocked too but he was probably showing off in front of her which hasn't worked as DD doesn't want to be his girlfriend anymore.

OP posts:

Frenchfancy · 11/07/2021 13:27

Mixed overnight sleep overs are not allowed until 16. I would allow an evening visit until about 11pm.

For those saying teenagers will have sex anyway, yes if they want to, but they are far more likely to be pressured into it during the the night when everyone is laying down.

Belliphat · 11/07/2021 13:57

DD will ‘probably break up with him’.

OP your boundaries are a bit off here. I hope you mean that you are confident that she will have nothing to do with him and that you are preparing her for his likely approach and how to deal with it.

You should be livid. He tried to force her to have sex with him believing that the peer pressure would mean she would say yes. He called it wrong this time and then violently assaulted another boy. That assault could have been on your daughter.

This wasn’t ‘showing off’ it was sexually aggressive and coercive behaviour. It was criminal behaviour. School should know, at the very least, so they can make sure your daughter and other girls are safeguarded.

Don’t normalise this shit.

3Britnee · 11/07/2021 14:14

I'd discuss it with her because next time she'll tell you staying at her best friends house.

Or do you ring and speak to the parents of every friend she stays with, every time?

Beamur · 11/07/2021 14:21

I think you're DD will have learned a valuable lesson here, luckily without coming to any harm. Older boy seems like a decent sort!

Original poster

perl0 · 11/07/2021 14:34

@Belliphat I am livid and DD is going to break up with him. I'm not normalising it

@3Britnee I know most of her friends parents, so I let her go, I don't ring their parents.

OP posts:

Livingmybestlifenow · 11/07/2021 14:48

As horrible as this experience was for your DD, hopefully this has been a valuable lesson for her. She wasn’t in a unsafe environment, thanks to the more mature teens in the group and maybe in future she’ll understand your reservations and have a few of her own. Hope she’s doing ok.

Horehound · 11/07/2021 15:25

I can't stop her from being in a relationship

Errr yes you can. She's 14 and you're her parent. That's literally your job...

Kanaloa · 11/07/2021 15:54

Well this relationship has gone awfully but it’s not unusual for a 14 year old to have a boyfriend/girlfriend. I think banning her from having a boyfriend at all would be an awful idea, it would stop her from being able to confide in her mum when something goes wrong as she has this time.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 11/07/2021 17:33

Your DD and her BF will obviously be having sex. I imagine if parents aren’t around alcohol and maybe drugs consumed as well. I’m just thinking about my own childhood and the teenagers whom I teach today.

Would I let my DD stay over? Hell no! We’d have been chatting about sex, drugs and contraception before now so she’s have some understanding of the dangers and my expectations. I would allow her to go but I’d be collecting her at a suitable curfew time. Hint: negotiate a time and deliberately start low.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 11/07/2021 17:34

Oops! Sorry missed the whole thread. I’d still be chatting to DD about expectations, drugs, sex etc.

LeonieSims · 11/07/2021 17:54

I would nip this relationship nonsense right now.

Having girl/boyfriends in secondary school is quite common and normal. Some of them last for years and are very healthy.

Ducksurprise · 11/07/2021 18:20

@Horehound

I can't stop her from being in a relationship

Errr yes you can. She's 14 and you're her parent. That's literally your job...

Normally I think you talk sense.

Ducksurprise · 11/07/2021 18:23

@motogogo

You took the approach I did. Teach them to be strong in their own mind, and that it's ok to talk to you and call you to pick them up. Mine are adults now, but I had several dilemmas like yours along the way. You have a level headed dd there

I completely agree with this. You have raised a daughter to have the confidence to say no and the comfort to tell you about it . Heavy handed parenting does not work with teenagers.

Horehound · 11/07/2021 18:36

Ha @Ducksurprise! she let her go and lo and behold her bf is a twat going around drinking and punching people and op is like "well she says she'll break up with him..." Ok and if she doesn't? Op and the father are ok with her being in a relationship with a guy they now know can't handle alcohol and becomes violent?
So what happens the of the daughter stays with the bf and he starts hitting her? It's ops job to protect her and I know I'm not wrong about that.

HotSauceCommittee · 11/07/2021 18:48

@Horehound

Ha *@Ducksurprise*! she let her go and lo and behold her bf is a twat going around drinking and punching people and op is like "well she says she'll break up with him..." Ok and if she doesn't? Op and the father are ok with her being in a relationship with a guy they now know can't handle alcohol and becomes violent? So what happens the of the daughter stays with the bf and he starts hitting her? It's ops job to protect her and I know I'm not wrong about that.

Yes, but I get that the Op is confident she will break up with him. Better to let teens come to the natural conclusion over a very short time than you jumping in straight away with both size 9s. You have to be tactical with teens. These are the times when natural consequences and guidance work far more than snap reactions and punishments or such like.

Ducksurprise · 11/07/2021 18:50

@Horehound

Ha *@Ducksurprise*! she let her go and lo and behold her bf is a twat going around drinking and punching people and op is like "well she says she'll break up with him..." Ok and if she doesn't? Op and the father are ok with her being in a relationship with a guy they now know can't handle alcohol and becomes violent? So what happens the of the daughter stays with the bf and he starts hitting her? It's ops job to protect her and I know I'm not wrong about that.

So you ban her from meeting him, but she decides otherwise. So she tells her mum she is staying at Isabelles, Isabelles mum is contacted and says that she is staying , which is why OPs daughter chose Isabelle. Ops daughter then stays at boyfriends or boyfriends friends. No one knows where she is and she doesn't feel she can contact her mum as her mum thinks she is at Isabelles, so she is stuck, afraid and vulnerable, being hit is currently the last of her worries.

I wish this was fanciful

Horehound · 11/07/2021 19:00

True and actually you have jogged my memory that I did exactly that when I was young! I must be having an off day!

I guess sensible talks should be on the cards..