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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no to DD14 going out with her boyfriend?

120 replies

perl0 · 04/07/2021 10:11

DD is 14 and y9 She's not 15 until December. She's been dating a boy who's just turned 15 (he's y10 though) for a few months. He's a nice boy and he's been here for tea a couple of times.

Yesterday, DD asked me if she can go to one of his friend's houses next weekend (these friends are 15 and I think one of them is 16). I don't know who these friends are and I think there'd be about 4/5 of them. I've said no, which DD is unhappy about and thinks I'm BU and she said she knows these friends so it ‘doesn't matter’.

AIBU? Just looking for an outsiders opinion.

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 04/07/2021 11:26

At some point, you have to trust her to make her own decisions about a) who she spends time with and b) what they get up to. The best you can do is to impress on her the importance of safety, maintain a good relationship with her so she can be open and honest with you about what they get up to, and offer her lifts to/from places so that you at least don't have to worry about her getting home safely.

Teens may well experiment at that age - didn't you? Sex is illegal until 16, but try telling a group of hormonal teens that. Teach her how to have a responsible relationship. She may not even want to drink or have sex - but you need to be open with each other and explain to her issues surrounding safety.

If you ban her from doing these things, she will resent you and rebel.

SirenSays · 04/07/2021 11:30

From your posts it seems there's a lot you don't seem to know. Asking her some questions and speaking to the parents would probably be more useful than asking strangers here imo.

canigooutyet · 04/07/2021 11:34

By saying an outright no you do take the risk that she lies, turns off her phone/ignores it and stays out anyway.

Parenting teens is incredibly hard as you also have to trust their judgement to some extent. It can be a massive shock to some not having that same involvement with their social life that was there at primary school.

She has already been honest with you and told you the mix. She could have said the group was mainly girls and you wouldn't be any the wiser.

Make a compromise that she can stay until an agreed time. She will probably come out with the usual, it's not fair, Lisa can stay out etc.Ignore it.

And chances are she might want that get out to not stay over and doesn't want to appear uncool to her potential new friends.

ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower · 04/07/2021 11:44

She's being really open and honest with you, and it's a very thin line to tread to keep that; if you come down too hard, she'll just lie to you in future. She's better off being allowed to go but with boundaries (not staying over, no alcohol, you collect at 10:30 or whatever) imo than being told no and lying about where she's going and who she's with in the future.

Original poster
perl0 · 04/07/2021 11:55

DD has just told me that it'll be at the older boys house (he's 16) and there will be his girlfriend there (also 16) and then 3 other boys (all 15) and her boyfriend. She has said that not all the boys are staying but her boyfriend is and DD wants to go and stay (doesn't want to be picked up).

OP posts:
CoralSparkles · 04/07/2021 12:01

@perl0

DD has just told me that it'll be at the older boys house (he's 16) and there will be his girlfriend there (also 16) and then 3 other boys (all 15) and her boyfriend. She has said that not all the boys are staying but her boyfriend is and DD wants to go and stay (doesn't want to be picked up).
Is her bf the only person she knows? None of her friends are going? You could let her go, but explain consent, peer pressure and drinks being spiked. If she’s at a house full of 16 year olds then I would be very very surprised if alcohol, sex and maybe drugs aren’t on the cards. It’s worrying that no one in her personal friendship group is attending.

Maybe she could go, but she cannot stay the night as you don’t know any of the people going. Does your Dd feel pressured into going? She will find it very difficult and uncomfortable to say no if everyone else is focused on alcohol and sex.

warmfluffytowels · 04/07/2021 12:04

@Christmasfairy2020

I'd also ensure she has the implant in place
You can't make your teenage child have an implant against their will [gasp]
Travielkapelka · 04/07/2021 12:04

Going over for the evening and being dropped off and picked up absolutely fine. No issues at all. Staying over for a mixed sleepover, absolutely not

Beamur · 04/07/2021 12:09

I wouldn't agree to a sleepover either. Yes she can go and hang out with these friends for the evening but she has to come home.
I'd be concerned about alcohol and her maybe feeling out of her depth and unsure how to get herself out of an uncomfortable situation. I think she needs to know these people better before putting herself in a potentially vulnerable position.

JanFebAnyMonth · 04/07/2021 12:11

YANBU

Theforest · 04/07/2021 12:13

I have a child the same age and I wouldn't agree to this either.

moynomore · 04/07/2021 12:15

Definitely no to staying over. But definitely yes to a day/evening thing.

BarefootHippieChick · 04/07/2021 12:19

It doesn't matter whether she wants to stay or not, if you're not happy with that then a firm either I pick you up at 11 or you don't go at all will suffice. To some extent I agree with a pp about alcohol definitely being on the cards at 16, but not necessarily drugs. Plenty of 16 year olds around not doing drugs. As for the sex, yes, very possible on a sleepover but also just as likely in an empty house during the day.

Original poster
perl0 · 04/07/2021 12:20

Is her bf the only person she knows? None of her friends are going?

No, I think she knows her boyfriends friends aswell but not very well. None of her friends her age are going though.

OP posts:
Zari29 · 04/07/2021 12:23

Hell no. You are still the parent here. She is 14. A child.

ScaredNotAnxious · 04/07/2021 12:27

Why not just ask to speak to the parents first to assess who will be there? If DD is only allowed to be friends with people you've met then she's very unlikely to have any friends - how would you suggest you meet teenagers?
If it's a sex issue, the not staying overnight thing is completely irrelevant. Teens are just as likely, if not more likely, to have sex during the day. If it's a parents not being there issue then ask if they'll be there. If it's not knowing the teens issue then a) get over it, you can't possibly continue to know all her friends at this age and b) invite them to yours so you can meet them. If it's a boys/girls issue then it's a bit sexist tbh, would you mind if they boys were gay or if DD were gay? She also has a boyfriend so whether he's the only boy there or there are fifty others isn't really relevant.
I think saying no outright is very harsh and you haven't been clear on your reasons. Is there a way to actually address your concerns rather than just restricting DD because it's easier to do?

tiredanddangerous · 04/07/2021 12:27

My dd is still 13 but it would be a no from me. There's an outside chance I'd let her go for the evening and pick her up at 10/11 but hell no to staying over.

Jocasta2018 · 04/07/2021 12:28

Let her go but pick her up at 10.30-11pm.

She'll grumble about not being able to stay but hey, better safe than sorry & you are at least allowing her to go for the evening!

UserAtLarge · 04/07/2021 12:29

So if your issue if you don't know the friends, don't know their parents and there will be boys ... when exactly will you be happy with this sort of get together?

DS turned up the other night with 2 other boys and a girl. I'd never met any of them before, let alone knew their parents, and DS had only ever mentioned one of them before. That's the reality of teenage friendships.

I accept that you are worried, and this is a new thing, and agree a reasonable compromise would be that you pick her up at 10.30/11 with a view to allowing a sleepover in the future.

I'd also suggest emphasising that she can ring you at any time if she is uncomfortable. I've arranged a "code word" with my DC that they can text me if they want picking up, so I can ring with a pretend family emergency and I have to collect them up now, so they don't have to make it obvious that they are leaving because they are not happy (if they don't want to).

moynomore · 04/07/2021 12:33

I really don't get the need for teens and mixed sleepovers. I'd be fine with her staying overnight at a girl friend's house, even if I didn't know the girl's parents, but not with her boyfriend. Not at 14 in any event.

TheBeesKnee · 04/07/2021 12:36

She's fourteen. Just because some of us grew up getting pissed at sleepovers and having sex it doesn't mean we should put our kids in the same situations. Two of my friends were raped in similar circumstances by boyfriends. Of course the boys called it "persuasion" and "changing her mind" Angry

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 04/07/2021 12:37

if the parents are home then YABVU.

MargosKaftan · 04/07/2021 12:43

Well if she won't accept being picked up at normal curfew time, then its a no.

You have offered a compromise of her going over for the day then being picked up to come home. If that's not enough, then no.

lollypoppi · 04/07/2021 12:46

For the evening yes. I'd want to know where it is and maybe pick her up at a set time. Staying over 😆 absolutely not she's mad to even have asked!

Cheeeeislifenow · 04/07/2021 12:47

No way, you are basically condoning sex at age 14 by allowing sleepovers unsupervised. She is 14 and doesn't matter how sensible she is teens can be easily pressurized into situations they don't feel safe in. I wished my parents would have set firmer boundaries for me when I was younger