To not really care I’ll be 60 when my youngest is 18

[Pinkco]

Why is this relevant?

Will be 42 when I have my last child and people have said the above in incredulous tones.

What am I missing?

The people who mention this are just pleased with their math skills.

Just beam at them and acknowledge the accuracy of their sums.

Exactly. If we were somehow talking about having a baby or toddler to run after when you were 70 (presumably as the father), I could see their point; but all they've actually told you is that, when your child has lived for 18 years and is far, far beyond the age of having to be physically parented, you too will be 18 years older. It takes a genius to work that out, clearly....

It's great if it works for younger parents, but not everybody wants that or is at a suitable/possible point in life to do so. Telling a 38yo who wants a baby that she would have been better having one 15 years ago is not actually the most helpful of 'advice', is it - it reminds me of the old joke about the lost hikers asking a farmer the best way to get to the local town, and he tells them that he wouldn't recommend starting from where they now are.

I'll be 49.

*energy

You only get one life, live it how you want. Who cares if other people had children younger or older, you did what was right for you and you don’t get to do it twice. I had DC in the standard early 30s range, DH in 40’s. I would have hated to have had children earlier but obviously some people had DC young and are now preparing to live their carefree(ish) years so that’s enough for them. Horses for courses. I have to say I am becoming a little sad about the idea that we probably won’t be young enough to really be involved with GC (apart from those from SDC), but I wouldn’t trade my 20’s for that. You can’t have it all.

@Blossomtoes

Because two people in hormonal turmoil in the same house at the same time is no fun. Surely it’s obvious?

What rubbish. My DD is 16 and I’m 57 and going through menopause. It has no impact whatsoever on my parenting! Some women go through hormonal turmoil every single month and usually synch cycles with their daughters - it’s just a fact of life.

My youngest (unplanned) was born when I was in my 40s. I am thankful every day for that child because my eldest child died suddenly at 27. Every child is a blessing and it is none of anyone else's business.

It means you will be going through the menopause when they are a teenager

Lol, at 42 I was well into mine and finished by 46.

OP, my gran was 43 when she had DM (only child) and I know quite a few blended families where the second round of children have been born to women in their late 30s / early 40s. It’s very common these days, you won’t look out of place in the ante-natal clinic.

Well, it's done now, so I don't see why people are saying such things.

I agree. I help care for both my parents with my siblings who are similar age to me. We don't expect my younger siblings to be as involved and would want them to not have that extra responsibility in their 20s & 30s.

My mother was 40 when I was born, my father 50. By the time I was 10, and my younger sister 5, our depressed, menopausal mum and our tired and grumpy dad, were knackered. We were gently neglected and our needs mostly ignored. People don't have such hard lives now as they did but we're still human and biology can catch us all out.

@emilyfrost

Because it’s exceptionally hard on the child to have much older parents, particularly when they’re in their early twenties and really need guidance rather than having to look after their parents who are in a totally different life phase. And of course they won’t have you for as long.

It also means you’re likely to not fully see your grandchildren grow up.

ofgs the healthy life expectancy of a woman in her early 40s is well into the eighties. Lemme guess you think my DH at 75 is in need of a wheelchair. I'll get him one to rest in when he gets back from one of his 20 mile speedwalks.🙄🙄🙄

I'll be 51 for DS and 56 with the twins. I assume it's a mix of
"how will you pay for them through university and get them settled with a deposit",
"you'll be too old to enjoy your life",
"menopause and puberty don't mix",
"You'll be dead before they've settled fully into adult life"
"You'll be too old to enjoy your grandchildren"

But it's hardly unusual these days. I had mine my twins at 38 which means my friends were nearly 39 when they had their first. It's life.

Many congratulations

I’m 49 with a three and five year old. It’s not how I expected I’d be living my middle aged years, but I’m fine with that.

No worries about being menopausal with hormonal teens - I hit peri menopause before I was 40!

@TeenMinusTests

It means you will be going through the menopause when they are a teenager. It's not a great combination.

Not necessarily - I'm in peri-menopause at 36, DS is only 3!

Me too. I’m 50 and DD is almost 9. I’m a much better parent and in a much better financial position this time around than when I had her brother at 25

Nobody would blink if any dad was that age.
Your DC will be well into the world of work by the time you are eligible for state pension.

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with having a baby at that age. I’d say the only downside is statistically, your children and grand children get less time with you. But that’s bitter sweet and in no way a reason not to bring another child into the world.

I think when you’re older you have different positive things to add to your child’s life.

My parents were 40 and 43 when they had me (surprise late baby). I'm quite glad now that they were a bit older - we have a great relationship, they were very chilled out and settled by the time I came along.
Plus now they are older and have some health problems, I'm young enough to have the energy to help them.
But when I was younger I was a bit embarrassed that they were older than my friends parents.
However my sister had my nephew at 19 and now that he's a teenager he's embarrassed at how young his mum is compared to his friend's mothers, so I guess you can't win no matter what .

There is a lady my mum knows who is in her early 70's and still helps to take care of her mother who is mid 90's . TBH I would hate to still be helping to care for a parent at that age, she should be focusing on her own retirement.

A 60 year old now isn't the same as a 60yo I previous times. You're still relatively young at 60 provided you make sure you stay healthy. I'm 69, wear jeans, vests, trainers etc. and my dgs loves to come for sleepovers. He's 8.

My mother was 43 when l was born. She was bright, lovely, adventurous and caring.

Not grumpy/depressed/miserable at all.

And she was born in 1920 when life was definitely tough

The only downside is that I never really knew my grandparents, as most of them died before I was born or when I was very young.

The menopause argument is ridiculous and based on ignorance. Nobody knows when they are going to go through it, and if you start with perimenopausal symptoms in your early 40s, which is really common, and you have had your child at a suitable approved of age of late 20s or early 30s, you can easily be dealing with early stuff when your child is a teenager too. It's a ridiculous argument.

@Pinkco I found out last week that I’m pregnant at age 42. Total shock, as we’ve already got a 6 and 3.5 year old and hadn’t planned another baby. I’m not concerned about the age difference, as my own DM died in an accident at age 44 when I was 21, so anything can happen.

However, I am concerned about going back to sleepless nights etc. Life got so much easier when our youngest turned 3. I’m not excited at all about starting again, so that’s something I’m working through in my head/heart.

Ignore unhelpful comments about your age. I’ve got friends and family who are young at heart and still fun and active into their 70s. Hope all goes well with your pregnancy.

So the arguments are

You will die

You may not die but will be old and need care

You will need money

Right!

Some people have very narrow lives and love to have opinions on other people’s lives ( based on not a lot of experience).
It would be silly to look down on younger mothers but equally silly to look down on older mothers.
All this forward planning is also a bit silly. My children lost the father. He was relatively young. We all play the cards we are dealt.