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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL to remove FB post?

159 replies

Gecko16 · 02/07/2021 23:29

The other day I sent two photos of our baby in a private message to my partner, which he then forwarded to his mum. A few days later she posted them on Facebook. To be fair, he said that she did ask him first, however he said yes without checking with me. I myself haven’t posted any photos of our baby on social media yet, and didn’t feel happy about these particular photos being shared. They’re not photos I would choose to share myself and were really just meant for my partner. No big reason, they were just of silly moments with my daughter that I thought my partner would appreciate. AIBU to ask for the post to be deleted?

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 03/07/2021 09:51

I'm with you on not wanting DC on social media generally, but 2 baby photos on their grandmother's FB page are not really an issue, are they? No one is going to be able to recognise your DD or embarrass her in later life from them.

I'd let this one go.

ShameCloud · 03/07/2021 09:55

I can’t see the harm.

mistermagpie · 03/07/2021 10:01

I post pictures of my children on Facebook and so does my husband but I never post pictures or our nieces and nephews, I send any nice photos I take (I'm into photography) to their parents and they sometimes post them, but I feel like that decision should be with the parents. My children's grandparents aren't on Facebook but in your position I would be having a chat with your DH and coming to an agreement on this issue, before it arises again.

You've said one photo was the baby just in its nappy? I think you are well within your rights to ask her to take that down. I know there is a lot of 'where's the harm? Get a grip!' stuff on this thread but I can't imagine any parent wants photos of their child practically naked on social media.

Doghead · 03/07/2021 10:02

@Guavaf1sh

Why on earth would anyone have a problem with a doting grandmother sharing a picture of a baby? What is the issue? The baby is unlikely to be in a witness protection programme, not fostered or adopted, and the chances of child kidnappers being interested are nil. Whatever happened to the ‘it takes a village’ mentality? Do people honestly think sharing pictures like this is harmful in any conceivable way? If so how? And simply saying ‘I’m the mother and I don’t like it so there’ obviously isn’t valid without some sort of reason or justification
It's clearly just a way of getting at MIL
grey12 · 03/07/2021 10:03

Hi OP

Your MIL seems like a nice person. Just ask her and I'm sure she'll be fine in removing those pics.

Is there another picture you could give her instead? Maybe a photo taken from the side? chubby cheeks, arms, legs and feet Smile cute FB photo but not necessarily identifiable by face recognition logarithms

StrongLegs · 03/07/2021 10:06

I think you can just ask her to take them down and send her nicer ones. It doesn't need to be a massive thing.

saraclara · 03/07/2021 10:10

There's no point in making her uncomfortable about this now. The photos have already been seen by her friends. Posts from a few days ago are already forgotten.

Just let her know next time you see her, that you and your partner have had a talk about this, and that going forward you're going to ask people not to put photos of the child in social media.

ravelston · 03/07/2021 10:10

@PanamaPattie

Why do MILs post pictures of their GC on social media? Nobody is interested in the pictures. It strikes me as awful attention seeking - how many likes can I get? My DS and DIL have banned anyone posting pictures of their baby on SM. I think that’s an excellent decision.
I find this attitude quite sad. If your family don't want photos on SM that is absolutely fine but to call others attention seeking who are happy to share is very judgmental. Each to their own and I'm sure there are lots of GP's who are dying to show of their GC's to friends and at present the only way to do this may be by social media.
NautaOcts · 03/07/2021 10:20

Leave it but if she’s tagged you then quietly untag yourself then your friends won’t see them

Pyewackect · 03/07/2021 10:27

........ controlling or what !.

ArsenicNLace · 03/07/2021 10:37

He actually wasn’t unaware, we had already discussed this. He is quite forgetful though!

I suspect he wasn't forgetful. He just didn't really agree with you but couldn't be bothered with an argument.

Darbs76 · 03/07/2021 10:37

I think it is unreasonable if she asked and was told yes. Or if you really don’t want these photos on (sure people will look and that’s that) then ask your partner to message her to say sorry I didn’t check with my partner and she has said she doesn’t want them on. Prepare for a backlash though

Newkitchen123 · 03/07/2021 10:48

She asked her son, the parent. It should have been a safe bet that he'd discussed it with his wife.
Just learn for next time but don't make a fuss of this. People will have scrolled well past by now

Drovememad · 03/07/2021 10:50

He actually wasn’t unaware, we had already discussed this. He is quite forgetful though!

Really???

Lesartisansetlessansculottes · 03/07/2021 11:10

@HeronLanyon

Differing family dynamics may make this impossible but I would do something like this (or by phone in light friendly fashion)

‘Hi x (general chit chat etc). I’ve got a silly favour to ask you. Those photos of dbaby - I didn’t mean them to go to fb - obviously dh said fine and I love that you checked. Can I send a replacement for you to post instead ? Haven’t posted db photos yet and am being fussy I know. Do you mind swapping ?’

Now if that makes you feel it would all go wrong then probably leave it and lesson learned.

If my dil asked this I’d do it in a heart beat without any problem.

This is the perfect message, you should do that.
Original poster
Gecko16 · 03/07/2021 11:13

@Drovememad

He actually wasn’t unaware, we had already discussed this. He is quite forgetful though!

Really???

Yes, really. I had discussed with him my reasons for not posting photos on SM, but not the finer details of wider family sharing stuff, which I know now to address. And he has a diagnosed mental health condition which does affect his memory at times.
OP posts:
Avamadava · 03/07/2021 11:24

I think I would be quite upset if I was asked to take a post down like this, so I would be careful how you approach it.

To soften things, I would send a couple of photos that I didn't mind sharing and ask mil if she would mind posting these ones instead.

Alternatively, try to forget about it as I don't think it's a big issue overall.

ineedsun · 03/07/2021 11:28

@PanamaPattie

Why do MILs post pictures of their GC on social media? Nobody is interested in the pictures. It strikes me as awful attention seeking - how many likes can I get? My DS and DIL have banned anyone posting pictures of their baby on SM. I think that’s an excellent decision.
What a strange post, do you really not understand why a grandparent who is excited about and loves their grandchild would want to share their photo with their friends? Or that their friends will be no more or less interested than friends of the actual parents? If you don’t do social media then fair enough but the double standards are very odd.
Paintedmaypole · 03/07/2021 11:47

Why do MILs post pictures of their GC on social media? Nobody is interested in the pictures. It strikes me as awful attention seeking - how many likes can I get? My DS and DIL have banned anyone posting pictures of their baby on SM. I think that’s an excellent decision. The attitude of some posters on here to older women stinks. I am a Gran. I rarely post photos of my grandchildren, especially now they are getting older but it's not true that no-one is interested. I enjoy seeing photos of my friends families. I am interested in what my friends are doing. It's no more attention seeking than anyone posting photos of their holiday, night out etc. It's only attention seeking to the degree that most use of social media is attention seeking. OP, I would leave this for now. Your MIL asked your husband's permission and will have thought he spoke for both of you. Next time you see your MIL have a chat with her and tell her your preferences re social media. If she's a reasonable person she won't post photos of the children again. Your DH made the mistake here with his memory lapse.

HeronLanyon · 03/07/2021 11:58

I don’t understand the questioning of gps wanting to show others photos. Totally get photos of babies and children on sm are banned in many
Many families and girls extremely good reasons.
But of course a proud gym or gf would want to show (irl) friends and family a photo of beloved gc. Loads of gps describe the love for their gc to be astonishing and unexpectedly strong. Not sure why this is questioned - other then where there are fractured or difficult relationships obviously.

ArnoldJudasRimmer · 03/07/2021 12:01

YANBU, if you don't want photos of your children on social media I don't see the harm in asking her to take them down, or even if your husband says to her that there's been a misunderstanding and you'd prefer her not to post them.
One side of our family barely use social media if at all, we told the other side we didn't want photos of the kids posted before they were born and they're happy with video calls and photos over private message. In a nutshell, I don't blame you for not wanting their photos posted on social media.

Holly60 · 03/07/2021 12:14

@Unreasonabubble

Yes you are. She did ask permission first and it was given.

You need to tell your Partner that he is not to forward photos that you do not want put on social media.

No. His mum has done absolutely nothing wrong. She asked if she could put them up. Husband needs to check with OP before he says yes to his mum. Very simple fix for next time.

This time, just phone your very reasonable sounding MIL and explain. She won’t mind and will be glad you have said!

Holly60 · 03/07/2021 12:19

Also, as a MIL I’d be horrified if I thought my DDIL didn’t feel comfortable to call me and tell me to take pics down. Gawd almighty who would mind that - I’d much rather she told me how she felt rather than having to try and second guess.

I know how the convo would go with me and my own DDIL:
‘Holly your bloody son said it was ok to put those pics up but I didn’t want those ones of FB’
‘Haha ok no worries DDIL I’ll take them down now. Pass me a biscuit’

Mrstamborineman · 03/07/2021 12:42

She checked with the child’s father. It is not your MIL that you need to discuss this with.

Mrstamborineman · 03/07/2021 12:42

Your MIL is not a mind reader. Just ask her.