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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban DH from taking kids out

135 replies

fat13 · 02/07/2021 21:03

Because it messes naps up.

Naps at 6 and 7 o clock in the evening meaning kids up until 10 and up half the night and I’m shattered.

He doesn’t mean any harm just doesn’t understand how it impacts on me.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 02/07/2021 23:31

Why is it always the men that are deep sleepers and never hear their kids waking up

DocsOddSocks · 02/07/2021 23:33

@DrSbaitso People on here would soon be quick to slate him if he spent no time with his kids and gave his wife no time for herself. Confused

Pricklypear12 · 02/07/2021 23:35

"It’s not that big of a deal, as he will stop if I ask him not to"

Great that solves the problem then. End of thread. Goodnight all Brew

DrSbaitso · 02/07/2021 23:37

[quote DocsOddSocks]@DrSbaitso People on here would soon be quick to slate him if he spent no time with his kids and gave his wife no time for herself. Confused[/quote]
Well yes, but that doesn't mean we can't also slate him for not being semi-clever with how he does it so that his wife doesn't have to suffer severe sleep deprivation as a result. He's not spending the shitty bedtimes and night wakings with them.

You can't seriously be looking at this very easily solved issue as a case of "poor guy can't win". Spend time with your kids like a normal person with two brain cells would do and don't fuck up their sleep so that your wife has to be a zombie. It's not hard.

DocsOddSocks · 02/07/2021 23:44

@DrSbaitso I am seriously looking at it as 'poor guy can't win' judging by the comments on here.

He spends all day working, wants to spend time with his kids, takes them out the house to give his wife a break...

As I said in my first post, we'd often take our baby out in the evening when my husband finished work. If anything, it actually helped her sleep better! 🙃

DocsOddSocks · 02/07/2021 23:46

@DrSbaitso and some people are genuinely deep sleepers, me being one of them! 😊

DrSbaitso · 02/07/2021 23:47

[quote DocsOddSocks]@DrSbaitso and some people are genuinely deep sleepers, me being one of them! 😊[/quote]
Well great. Don't fuck up your kids' sleeping patterns in the day so your partner is up all night while you snore away, and all's good in your world.

DrSbaitso · 02/07/2021 23:50

[quote DocsOddSocks]@DrSbaitso I am seriously looking at it as 'poor guy can't win' judging by the comments on here.

He spends all day working, wants to spend time with his kids, takes them out the house to give his wife a break...

As I said in my first post, we'd often take our baby out in the evening when my husband finished work. If anything, it actually helped her sleep better! 🙃[/quote]
Well it doesn't help OP's kids sleep better so the idiot needs to stop it.

She's not getting a break because the kids are up too late and half the night and she's shattered, and it's very avoidable.

Yah, you aren't serious. Nobody is this...
ahem. I get it, it's been a long and boring week for me too.

DocsOddSocks · 02/07/2021 23:52

@DrSbaitso Baby sleeps through but thanks for your advice Smile

Original poster
fat13 · 02/07/2021 23:53

I don’t think he’s an idiot and I think this thread has made me see mumsnet is not good for me.

Comments calling DH names, comments calling me names, making me feel bad for posting, all the ‘confused’ comments.

It’s just not a nice place. It used to be supportive and have a supportive feel but now even harmless threads go nasty so quickly.

Will sleep on it but I do think I’m inclined to dereg tbh. Shame.

OP posts:
DocsOddSocks · 02/07/2021 23:54

@fat13 You do what's best for you. It sounds like you've got a good husband Smile

MiddlesexGirl · 03/07/2021 00:08

You really don't need to see things from your dh's point of view though. He needs to see it from yours and also the dc's who are not being helped to learn a decent sleep routine.

doyouneedtowean · 03/07/2021 01:57

This thread has gone the way it has OP because you didn’t explain yourself properly in your first post and were sketchy about doing so in subsequent ones, then were very rude and nasty yourself to posters trying to understand and help you.

If you’d simply said “DH works from home and likes to give me a break after work and spend time with the kids on nice summer evenings by taking them for a drive to the park or river, but they fall asleep on the journey which means I then struggle to get them to bed. How do you think I should approach this?” you’d have had clear, appropriate responses because posters would have understood.

timeisnotaline · 03/07/2021 02:16

@fat13

Well, Jesus might be able to help, but I’m sure you can see that even if I wake up dh every time the kids wake and make him deal with it it’s not a very peaceful night for me, is it?
It might not be a very peaceful night for you but it would be worth it to very effectively communicate to him the impact of his actions. I would absolutely kick him awake every time a child woke up and say your handling this, off you go.
Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 02:39

I'm sorry people have made nasty comments, op, you don't deserve that. However I don't think it will hurt the children to stay up later sometimes and they probably enjoy the time out with their dad.

Like a previous poster, we often took ours out in the evening, they might fall asleep in the car on the way home and then wake when we got indoors. It didn't bother us, we let them stay up until we went to bed and no harm done, actually it was often quite fun for them and us.

You can become too bogged down with 'routines'.

That's all. I hope all is well at the moment.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/07/2021 03:00

I consider myself fairly average intelligence and I don’t think it’s a complex code or anything

Well talk to the man then. He probably thinks he's doing you a favour/giving you a break by taking them out.

Original poster
fat13 · 03/07/2021 05:16

Rude and nasty? They aren’t adjectives that apply to me now or ever. Nonsense.

OP posts:
MrsToothyBitch · 03/07/2021 05:49

I have to admit your OP read slightly better with your later posts for context. Before I thought he was a bit more purposeful about the late naps- but it's more niceness backfired.

I think you need to explain cause and effect and deliberately deploy him to deal with the "effect" in this case- 2am be damned. What's his working day pattern and lunch break like? Any chance he could do a quick walk round the block with dc then to tire them for a nap, take himself out after work and then be back to do some of the bed time routine so you get a breather?

cocoloco987 · 03/07/2021 06:07

Why doesn't he take them out a bit later fed and bathed or for longer so it is actually bed time when they fall asleep on the way home - more peace for you and knackered kids who then sleep

doyouneedtowean · 03/07/2021 06:12

@fat13

Rude and nasty? They aren’t adjectives that apply to me now or ever. Nonsense.
Except that you were rude and nasty to posters just trying to help.
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/07/2021 06:14

@Cocomarine

Why’s he going out in a car? The very method used by many to make young children fall asleep. How is it “bonding” - especially with a baby - to be driving them around? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Walks only. Fresh air. Baby I’m sling with lots of chat, older one walking - presumably walking age?

Short walks, no car. Lots of bonding, home tired for bed.

Instead of banning him, I think this approach could work. Will he listen to advice?

He could also do things at home. Bath time. Reading. Playing games.

Anycrispsleft · 03/07/2021 06:40

I've read the whole thread and I don't get why people don't understand it. I remember when my kids were little, we could never go more than about half an hour's drive/buggy walk from the house because on the way home DD2 would fall asleep and then wake up at the door in a shit mood and not go back to sleep till 10pm which was doubly fun as she has a twin who would happily fall asleep at 7.30 and then wake up at 6.30am.

When ours were little we used to have sepaprate nights when we were on call, and we'd wear earplugs on our nights off. Unsurprisingly DH came to view the nap schedule with a whole lot of respect Grin It's sometimes easier to show men people something than it is to tell them. I wish that was different, but we live in a patriarchal society where childcare is devalued and men's opinions are pandered to, I think often they don't even realise they're doing it.

burritofan · 03/07/2021 07:04

I've read the whole thread and I don't get why people don't understand it.
It’s the crowd with good sleepers – who could lift their kid from pram or car seat straight into bed – who are confused, I think. The concept of children who don’t work that way is so totally alien. I, with my demon sleeper, understood straight away Grin

careerchangeperhaps · 03/07/2021 07:04

If your DC are young enough to be napping at 6/7pm, they should be being put to bed at this time not going out! No wonder they fall asleep. My DC still went to bed at 6:30 when they first started school.
It sounds like bedtime is too late for them. DH should be doing the bath and bedtime routine with them when he comes home from work to give you a break. You could always go out for a walk yourself at this time. Then kids will be asleep by 7 giving you and DH a nice evening together. DH can take them out at the weekend instead.

MsSquiz · 03/07/2021 08:03

You sound like my SIL. She has 3 kids and BIL never sticks to routine, forgets to put night time nappy on them and if they wake up wet in the night, it's her who gets up and deals with it. When I asked how he "forgets" about the nappy, she says it's because he doesn't normally do bath and bedtime with them and he doesn't have to deal with stripping beds at 3am so he doesn't "remember"

Now she pretty much parents single handedly and he takes no real responsibility for his kids unless he has to (she's not there) she will arrange babysitters if she's going out, rather than him look after his own kids!

Absolutely wouldn't happen in our house! I would be making him get up to deal with the consequences of whatever he has done. It would sharp make him remember to put a nappy on his child if he had to wake up at 3am to strip and remake a full bed!