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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most women want to get married?

129 replies

RosieGuacamosie · 02/07/2021 19:03

Idle and inconsequential conversation with a female (very feminist if that’s relevant) friend where I said that I think most women want to get married (especially when children are involved), be it for financial/romantic/other reasons.

She disagrees and pointed out 45% of babies are born outside marriage these days and that women are just as likely to be the high earner and are therefore disincentivized to marry. Also pointed out that the majority of the population have limited assets, so even if there’s as divorce as opposed to a separation, the wife still ends up with the square root of fuck all.

No axe to grind as I am neither married nor have children Grin

Yabu - most women aren’t bothered
Yanbu - the majority of women still want to marry

OP posts:
Sarahzb · 03/07/2021 01:57

If your partner doesn't have a Will, they are classed as dying intestate and the Rules of Intestacy will apply. The Rules of Intestacy say that their inheritance goes to their closest living blood relatives in a specific order. If you have children together, they will be recognised as your partner's next of kin. important to understand that there is no common law partnership as there is no legal right at all. So to protect yourself

Oceanbliss · 03/07/2021 02:17

WrongWayApricot
I always dreamed of getting married but then I read a lot of AIBU and I think I've changed my mind confused

Grin
choli · 03/07/2021 03:17

(Good men see having children as the ultimate commitment to their partner, in my experience*
Your experience differs wildly from mine. I don't have kids myself but I certainly wouldn't see it as evidence of commitment if reading Mumsnet is any indication.

choli · 03/07/2021 03:56

@Waferbiscuit

I think most women might want to but they may not be sure why.

I firmly belief marriage is a patriarchal construct that benefits men more than women.

Most women I know by the time they have hit 50 are fed up of marriage and those that stay do so for the financial benefit. Hardly romantic.

Marriage is rarely about romance. It's about getting on with life in the way that is most beneficial to the family.
SupermanInk · 03/07/2021 04:17

Your experience differs wildly from mine. I don't have kids myself but I certainly wouldn't see it as evidence of commitment if reading Mumsnet is any indication.

Exactly. We’re saying the same thing. A lot of men don’t see it as a commitment, they have kids and move on to the next women and do it over again. Those men are losers. The good ones do put thought into being a dad, and do see it as the ultimate commitment, there’s just not many of them around.

SupermanInk · 03/07/2021 04:19

*woman

mag2305 · 03/07/2021 08:32

I feel a bit sad reading these comments. Some very cold and cynical views on marriage but I guess it depends on what your experience is.
Anyone married and wanted to get married because of... love? I haven't seen that word mentioned very much yet.

Tulips15 · 03/07/2021 08:32

I've always wanted to be married ( would elope)
First long term relationship with 2x DC, he didn't want to marry.

Current long term relationship with our 2x DC, he also doesn't want to marry. (He was was married before, ended pretty bad unfortuntaly)

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 03/07/2021 08:49

I married for love mag and am still in love although it is a different kind of love, less passionate but steadier.

For me the contract aspect is important (I am a SAHM) but the social and spiritual aspects are more important.

Married parents are less likely to split up than unmarried parents which is an important aspect to me too.

Toottootdrivers · 03/07/2021 08:54

I had a child outside marriage and am pregnant with my second. However we will be getting married next year. There are lots of children at weddings these days, so I think those statistics are only relevant if you then look at how many of those people married a few years later.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/07/2021 09:16

@mag2305

I feel a bit sad reading these comments. Some very cold and cynical views on marriage but I guess it depends on what your experience is. Anyone married and wanted to get married because of... love? I haven't seen that word mentioned very much yet.
I think plenty of people get married when they are young because of "love". Then they realise they have saddled themselves with far more than they bargained with and are trapped. It's a bit like buying a house that's way too expensive for you and then not being able to sell it.

Marriage is a way of structuring your financial lives together beneficially in order to have children. You're right in the sense that love or at least respect should be there as a precursor to marriage. Otherwise it won't have a chance. But anyone thinking marriage will keep "love" alive should probably not be doing it in the first place.

Fundamentally, marriage is about money.

Whoarethewho · 03/07/2021 10:23

I wish there was a form of marriage that avoided the expensive divorce costs to the higher earner. My partner can choose to earn less (despite me being happy to pay for childcare and do my 50% so no need for part time work) and I am expected to simply have accepted it and indeed encouraged it in the eyes of the divorce judge. So no marriage for me it's just not worth the risk with the earnings and asset division.

ShinyMe · 03/07/2021 22:32

My mum reminded me earlier that when I was about 7, I apparently told my primary school teacher during a class discussion about our ambitions (where all the other girls mentioned marriage and babies) that I wasn't planning to get married but instead wanted a live in lover. My class teacher was so concerned that she told my mum, and was shocked when my mum laughed.

therocinante · 03/07/2021 22:49

Anecdotally, the group of 5 women I'm part of:

1 has two children and a mortage with lng-term partner, no interest in marriage
1 has no interest in marriage full stop, has long term ish partner but doesn't want children or marriage
1 married at 26, it was important to her as it was 'romantic', but not having children so not to do with that
1 married at 28 because they inherited lots of money and could afford to, but it was driven by the man - the woman wasn't bothered, also not having children so not to do with that
1 in short term relationship but would like to get married if they have kids (not sure yet if they want to), otherwise not bothered

So, anecdotally amongst the women I know, no. But I know both reasonably high earning, not particularly interested in having children and very feminist-leaning women. I imagine that sways things slightly.

therocinante · 03/07/2021 22:52

@mag2305

I feel a bit sad reading these comments. Some very cold and cynical views on marriage but I guess it depends on what your experience is. Anyone married and wanted to get married because of... love? I haven't seen that word mentioned very much yet.
I married because it was legally convenient. I don't see the fact that I love my partner so much I would take a bullet for him as a matter for the law, to be honest - it would be the same amount of love whether or not we were legally bound.

Marriage isn't about love, really - marriage is a contract. People who enter into a marriage thinking 'but we love each other' is enough to sustain it are naive. You can love someone wholeheartedly and never marry. You can marry someone you don't really love. The legal and, in some cases, religious instrument of marriage is not about love, it's about bureaucracy. Usefully so, in my case, but has no bearing whatsoever on how much I love my partner.

mag2305 · 03/07/2021 23:44

@therocinante I know what you mean. Love is love that you feel for someone whether you're married or not. I just haven't seen many comments on love being
a reason for marriage in this thread and I guess that surprised me.

With the religious aspect of marriage, it depends what your beliefs are. I can only say, personally, that was a very important part of it for me. However, we had our son before getting married and didn't marry because we had a child.

I don't really care about the legal side of marriage at all. I don't have or will ever take my dh's surname. For me, that's just a totally out of date formality. Money and security were never part of it for us but I do understand that this is the case for some people. We saw marriage as a commitment of love to each other and all the vows that were taken as part of it. And I guess that was at the core of why we did it.

mag2305 · 03/07/2021 23:54

"Fundamentally, marriage is about money."

I understand that this might be part of marriage for some people but I don't know of anyone who has got married for this reason, with a possible exception of a sugar daddy marriage. I suppose 'Fundamentally, marriage is about money.' doesn't sound quite so nice on the wedding invitations. Hmm

blueshoes · 04/07/2021 00:02

Marriage IS about money and marriage IS a contract.

It does not have to be on a wedding card to be true. Anyone who does not acknowledge does not truly understand the social and legal construct of a marriage. That's fine, many people don't.

That is why marriage for me is a precondition to having dc with my dh. Being a lawyer helps me to see rights and responsibilities crystal clear.

mag2305 · 04/07/2021 00:23

@blueshoes so marriage for people who want to marriage as part of their religion (any religion) and spirituality is still about money and a legal contract?

mag2305 · 04/07/2021 00:23

Edit... *want to marry

Onlinedilema · 04/07/2021 09:11

Actually thinking about this with my closest group of friends it was dh who wanted marriage not me. I said no at first as I had no desire to marry. Friend one it was her dh who asked her and he planned everything. Friend 2 again he asked her and he wanted a child. She agreed for him but they are very happy. Friend 3 again her partner asked her. No children together. He did most of the wedding planning.

MissTrip82 · 04/07/2021 09:27

I don’t know about most women.

In my social circle there aren’t any couples who have children but aren’t married. It’s obviously a social norm amongst this group.

We’re all high earners but in a conservative profession so perhaps that’s why.

AgentJohnson · 04/07/2021 09:44

Getting married just seemed like a thing other people did. I have a child with an Ex, being married would have made our split a lot more expensive. I live In the Netherlands and I had a ‘living together’ agreement and dissolving it was as simple as me saying it was over in writing.

How many people would actually get married if the divorce wasn’t a possibility?

StillCalmX · 04/07/2021 09:48

My friend said this a while ago ''all women want to get married'' and I was shocked that she believed that.

I wanted to get married when I was younger but since the age of about 47 I think something inside me did a u-turn and I feel proud of myself for not being married now. I feel more fortunate than women who stay in bad marriages or are still putting up with crap in the dating world or women who marry out of loneliness/to be conventional/because they've never really thought about whether or not marriage is the right choice.

ladygindiva · 04/07/2021 10:34

Yabu and your friend is right. I'm more financially sorted than any of the men in my life have been and marriage just doesn't appeal to me at all.

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