To think most women want to get married?

[RosieGuacamosie]

Idle and inconsequential conversation with a female (very feminist if that’s relevant) friend where I said that I think most women want to get married (especially when children are involved), be it for financial/romantic/other reasons.

She disagrees and pointed out 45% of babies are born outside marriage these days and that women are just as likely to be the high earner and are therefore disincentivized to marry. Also pointed out that the majority of the population have limited assets, so even if there’s as divorce as opposed to a separation, the wife still ends up with the square root of fuck all.

No axe to grind as I am neither married nor have children

Yabu - most women aren’t bothered
Yanbu - the majority of women still want to marry

I think my sister is sad it never happened to her.

She had two children with a man but the relationship broke down when the children were 6 and 3. They’d been together about 8 years about this point and marriage had always been a ‘maybe one day’ type thing.

I for one am very glad they weren’t married because it left her in the shit in some ways, it also made it a lot easier for her to walk away from the abusive, vile man.

I sometimes think that having the label of being married can deter women from leaving men because it’s seen as something that is harder to walk away from.

I sometimes think that having the label of being married can deter women from leaving men because it’s seen as something that is harder to walk away from.

I think that's probably true. Another good reason not to do it unless you need it for financial protection.

I’ve never heard that 45% figure before. It sounds very high.

It’s not just women, lots of men I know were very keen to get married. Not all weddings involve a groom being dragged down the aisle kicking and screaming.

Of the handful of massive big white weddings I’ve been to it was the groom in each case who was insisting on the cost, bells, whistles and fuss. My brother was the biggest groomzilla I’ve ever come across, no one knew he’d be like that.

Dunno really tbh.

If we're talking the UK then there are lots of groups with different expectations norms etc.

Is the % of children born to married parents in NI greater than eg England? I don't know Google wasn't helpful!

I wasn't bothered but I wouldn't have had a child without being married, but I wasn't desperately set on that either. If a man wanted me to do that to my body he could at least make a legal commitment.

I have no idea whether most women want to get married.

It's sold to us from young in so many ways as a really important special thing for a woman. It usually focuses on the actual wedding day.

Cinderella, beauty and the beast, to Bridget Jones and sex and the city. It's pervasive.

It's hard to know tbh.

I do think a lot of women have more financial independence and therefore general independence though.

Maybe the question is not whether most women want to marry, or whether most women want to marry but are less interested in marrying someone who is not that great.

(Plenty do of course no one has a crystal ball and people change).

The other thing is that while getting a man and getting s wedding is sold in the media etc as a really important thing for women (a stereotype is presented and persisted).

While men are painted in popular culture as not wanting to settle down, marry, have kids etc.

In real life that's not true at all. Loads of men expect to settle down, and want marriage kids stability. And often a woman to look after them!

It's interesting that woman seem to leave marriages when they're unhappy, while men often stay until they have another woman to go to.

Personally, I wanted to be married before I had my children. I didn’t want to have a different surname to them and I wanted the financial security etc. We didn’t have a lavish wedding, we wanted to be married rather than have an extravagant wedding day. We are happily married & have been for many years our children are now grown up. But if anything happened in the future, I wouldn’t ever re-marry, I just can’t see the point unless children are involved. Just my view.

Most women I know want to get married but the legal consequences put me off - I just see risk and no reward

Sorry not read all the replies but my dd is 12 and just finished primary school in Scotland. They were given a yearbook as a leaving present in the section that aked where do you see yourself in 20 years the girls talked about moving abroad, being successful, maybe getting a dog and the boys talked about staying close, following their dreams, having a wife and children. I was surprised at the shift in expectations. A few girls specifically said no partner, no children was there goal but certainly the consensus was being successful was more important than being married, it will be interesting to see if they change their mind as they get older.

I’ve always wanted to get married but never had the opportunity. No one has ever wanted to marry me.

I I always assumed I’d get married in my early twenties, as it seemed that was what “everyone” did. Then I reached my mid-twenties. I thought I have to get married before I’m 30 because (at the time) I thought women who were in their thirties when they got married were really sad (being as 30 was so old!). Bear with, I get my comeuppance.

Then I reached my thirties….and my mid-thirties….. and thought I absolutely must get married before I’m 40 as women getting married in their 40s were really sad.

Then I reached my forties…..and my mid forties…..now my late forties…..and as I’m going to be 50 next year, getting married is looking less and less likely, but I’d still like to get married.

I think it's a bit sad and shallow to want to get married tbh. And I know the whole mn don't have kids without it thing but tbh I earn more than dp! I find it even more abhorrent to change names. About half of dc friend's parents are married and most of the unmarried women don't seem fussed and are equal earners with their dp.

From my 10 year experience as a wedding photographer I'd argue that most women want the wedding. The marriage is often less thought about.

@Attictroll

I think it's a bit sad and shallow to want to get married tbh. And I know the whole mn don't have kids without it thing but tbh I earn more than dp! I find it even more abhorrent to change names. About half of dc friend's parents are married and most of the unmarried women don't seem fussed and are equal earners with their dp.

I agree with you. Nothing wrong with getting married: in fact if you're the lower earner or you want to stay at home its silly not to. But to have it as your primary life goal in this day and age I think is pretty depressing.

Lots do, many just seem to want the whole big day and SM element. Some marry for financial reasons if they don’t earn or are the lower earner. Some will be romantics snd just want to make lifetime vows and commitment to each other.
Not all do, lots are happy being single or just dating.

I have never had the slightest desire to be married, and haven't wanted to be "with" someone for many years, but am well aware I'm not normal in this.

Its interesting. I knew I always wanted children and that I wanted to be married before having children BUT I really didn't want to get married. Weirdly we ended up not having a choice due to work Visa but I do wonder if we would have got married if there hadn't been a reason

I always dreamed of getting married but then I read a lot of AIBU and I think I've changed my mind

I think most women want ‘their day’. 😬 It seems to be about the attention, the photographs, the dress etc. I’ve never really understood that, I think everything about marriage is old fashioned and knew it wasn’t for me. I don’t like the attention being on me at all. My partners mum still hopes we’ll get married one day. My own mum pretended we were married when I was pregnant with our first child.😬 Both have marriages that I don’t envy.
I’ve been with my partner for more than 20 years. I was very honest from the start that marriage wasn’t something I wanted, he was a bit shocked at first as he’s more traditional than me but it’s all worked out. We’re very happy, the kids are happy. My partner is genuinely my favourite person in the world, I just don’t want to marry him.

I wanted to get married for the legal & financial protection - personally I loathe 'weddings' and we had the legal ceremony followed by lunch for five of us and that was great, no fancy clothes, flowers, wedding dance, presents etc. I am glad I did it (for legal reasons) & have no regrets about not having a 'wedding day' - married over 30 years now. I live in dread that my DS might one day want a big, fancy wedding ... I would have to grin and bear it I suppose!

She disagrees and pointed out 45% of babies are born outside marriage these days and that women are just as likely to be the high earner and are therefore disincentivized to marry.

I don't actually think babies being born to unmarried parents means the women don't want to marry. And my understanding is that men are still usually the higher earners.

I do think most women want a sign of commitment from their life partner.

I think probably most people, male or female, want to get married. It's a pretty popular thing to do. I don't think the babies born out of wedlock thing means much as some people just get married after kids, the order you do it doesn't matter any more. I have no statistics to back this up, just my assumption.

No I have never wanted to be married. Don’t like the patriarchal association
Never dreamt of being a Mrs. Don’t think it cements or commits a relationship
However I’m pragmatic.So to protect assets and property I got married

In nomenclature I Refer to my partner. I never say husband he doesn’t say wife.i Didn’t change name. Our children are double barrelled surname

Nope absolutely not, I'm the main earner and we have purchased our house as tenants in common. I love that I don't need to be married for security but I completely understand I am in a privileged position.