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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think most women want to get married?

129 replies

RosieGuacamosie · 02/07/2021 19:03

Idle and inconsequential conversation with a female (very feminist if that’s relevant) friend where I said that I think most women want to get married (especially when children are involved), be it for financial/romantic/other reasons.

She disagrees and pointed out 45% of babies are born outside marriage these days and that women are just as likely to be the high earner and are therefore disincentivized to marry. Also pointed out that the majority of the population have limited assets, so even if there’s as divorce as opposed to a separation, the wife still ends up with the square root of fuck all.

No axe to grind as I am neither married nor have children Grin

Yabu - most women aren’t bothered
Yanbu - the majority of women still want to marry

OP posts:
SupermanInk · 02/07/2021 21:37

I do think most women want a sign of commitment from their life partner.

Good men see having children as the ultimate commitment to their partner, in my experience.

DrSbaitso · 02/07/2021 21:40

I think most women want ‘their day’.It seems to be about the attention, the photographs, the dress etc.

I hear this a lot, usually from women, but it really doesn't bear out in my experience. I know plenty of women who knew what they wanted when they got engaged but I've never known one for whom the whole shebang was all about attention (the worst thing a woman on MN could want) etc. It's just a stick to beat women with.

I've seen a few women get a bit overwhelmed with planning a wedding but I've never known a woman to marry a man she knew she didn't love because she wanted "the day". Most women seem to be terrified of being seen that way.

DrSbaitso · 02/07/2021 21:41

@SupermanInk

I do think most women want a sign of commitment from their life partner.

Good men see having children as the ultimate commitment to their partner, in my experience.

Ha ha ha.
RamItBunty · 02/07/2021 21:42

I really urge women to familiarise themselves with the legalities of cohabitation
There’s no such thing as common law wife. It has no legal basis
Make sure you’re well informed and make wills . Sort out tenants in common and a will
Register with GP as each other NOK
Get nominated as the beneficiary of partner pensio n

SupermanInk · 02/07/2021 21:43

Ha ha ha.

????

Lizzie523 · 02/07/2021 21:46

I'm a woman and not bothered. If my partner wants to I'd be fine with that.

I have my own home and don't feel any great need.

Reallyreallyborednow · 02/07/2021 21:49

Nope. I didn’t want to. Had no desire to, didn’t see the point.

Gave in because it meant a lot to DH, and got a lot parental pressure about being unwed Hmm. Got told I needed to be married “for protection” if I had children.

Wish I hadn’t. I’m the higher earner and it’s completely buggered all the careful saving and investment I have done for my future. If we did split i’d be significantly worse off financially.

Being married makes absolutely no difference on a day to day basis.

DrSbaitso · 02/07/2021 21:49

@SupermanInk

Ha ha ha.

????

The number of men who have kids and show no commitment at all.

The idea that impregnating a woman shows an equal amount of commitment to her as actually making a legal contract that joins finances.

My sides are splitting, seriously.

You can walk away from a woman easily if you aren't married, even if you have kids together. Wouldn't be hard to fix it so you pay no maintenance or very little. Maybe the mortgage needs sorting.

I know, I know. You're talking about "good" men. (No true Scotsman...) Not the point. If a man really is happy to commit to the mother of his children and she is financially vulnerable (or even if she's not), there are few good reasons not to marry if she wants it.

Claiming that the kids are the commitment is how we get so many unhappily unmarried women on here who want an actual commitment.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 21:51

"I've seen a few women get a bit overwhelmed with planning a wedding but I've never known a woman to marry a man she knew she didn't love because she wanted "the day". Most women seem to be terrified of being seen that way"

I've seen quite a few who felt like they 'should' go ahead with the day because they felt trapped by the occasion only to separate weeks later (sometimes less). It's not about 'wanting the day' so much as not knowing how to stop the juggernaut.

Reallyreallyborednow · 02/07/2021 21:55

Of my friends who wanted to get married, it seemed to be tied to self worth- that they were “good enough”, pretty enough, sexy enough, whatever, that a man would want to marry them.

In their eyes, if you weren’t married by x age (usually 25), it meant you were an undesirable old hag who couldn’t find any who would marry you.

As pp have said, this is what we are taught from a young age. The beautiful girl gets to marry her prince and live happy ever after, while the ugly step sisters are alone and miserable. Women who want to be independent and earn their own way are seen far more negatively than the pretty caring housewife with babies round her skirts.

Bigwave · 02/07/2021 21:57

I'm a lesbian, high earner (but both are but very similar amounts) and we are married. I liked feeling legally joined together, made us feel like a official team and as we had been together ages saying wife instead of gf or partner just felt more appropriate too

RamItBunty · 02/07/2021 22:00

Out of interest,more appropriate in what way @Bigwave?do you think it confers a legitimacy wife as opposed to partner or gf?

Zzzzzzxxx · 02/07/2021 22:01

I wasn’t bothered about getting married untill I had my son. We are both high earners.

Onlinedilema · 02/07/2021 22:06

I'm not sure. It's definitely true that far more unmarried women have children now. Do most of them get married to the father of their child? Again I'm not sure. I also think second and subsequent marriages are far more common now.

AlbaAlba · 02/07/2021 22:11

I had no interest in marriage. I only got married because DH was very keen (he's religious) and we were planning to have children. Given the impact on my earning power from pregnancies, mat leaves and then going part-time, and the ability of some fathers to bugger off and leave the mother to bring up the baby, it was the only sensible option.

I don't regret it and have a happy marriage, I just wouldn't have bothered with the legal stuff if it was entirely up to me and there were no financial ramifications.

IdblowJonSnow · 02/07/2021 22:15

No idea as I don't know most women!

I'm married and almost all of my friends are, or have been married. Most of us have kids and have gone part time after mat leave so I'd say they've done the right thing.

The cynic in me, at my age, would say I'm glad I'm married from a financial perspective, although that wasnt the reason I got married.

HelloBunny · 02/07/2021 22:16

I wanted to get married more than I wanted a child. I was in no rush, and had plenty of boyfriends over the years. I married at 40. And was lucky to have a last minute baby at 44.

Bigwave · 02/07/2021 22:17

@RamItBunty gf just feels young to me and I didn't feel it gave the idea of being in a serious long term relationship. and with being gay, partner was a phrase always used to mask the sex of who I was with. I probably wouldn't have minded it as much had it not had those connotations for me.

JaceLancs · 02/07/2021 22:19

I would not have had children without marriage
I’m divorced - exDH left me for OW when DC were 4 and 5
Glad I was married as despite many years of wrangling know other couples who had worse experiences complicated by not being married
I will never marry again

RamItBunty · 02/07/2021 22:20

Cheers @bigwave taking time to,reply

helpmewiththisnew · 02/07/2021 22:31

Not married, the issues are with the house if my DP dies. I don't really want to marry DP, I did want to once but not now I know him since having the children. As it goes he doesn't have any other assets and nor do I. Pensions I suppose would be a thing , but both have very low value and you can nominate a beneficiary. We have written our own wills since having the kids, but not with a solicitor so not sure what would happen. We can't afford a solicitor.

Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 22:32

I can't vote because I don't know about the majority of women.

But think about women I work with, 2 are married but wasn't because they particularly wanted to. One because it was the done thing and one because she had cancer and it helped incase she didn't get better.

The rest of us have either been married and don't want to do it again or haven't been married but do have kids and don't want to ever get married again.

In my circle it does seem to be true that the higher the earner, the more anti marriage they are. But they are all older and not having more kids.

For me, I am the higher earner. The house is mine. Dp and I are not having kids. So no need for one of our careers to take a hit to do childcare. I have 2 kids. Dp does do alot for them on a daily basis. But that's because he works less and we are a family if he is home first, he gets ds from school he puts tea on etc.

We don't have joint finances. No intention of joining them and have a will to leave money for the other to give them time to grieve. Marriage doesn't add anything for us.

But if we were having kids and dp was giving up work or taking a career hit, I would feel that marriage would give him some much needed protection.

helpmewiththisnew · 02/07/2021 22:33

@Travielkapelka

I mean who didn’t get married before children. I genuinely don’t know anyone who had children before being married!
Really ? I think probably a lot of people you assume are married, and live like they are with their kids but aren't. There's a few of us in my DS' class. Not single mothers but not married.
MrsJuliaGulia · 02/07/2021 22:39

Not read the full thread

I think most middle class women do. For security if nothing else.
I think poorer women don’t really care, after all the social welfare system is always going to prop them up. Whereas social welfare isn't really a part of life or the subconscious list of options when thinking about security for middle classes. And therefore, security comes with marriage. I don’t know anyone who isn’t married; without exception everyone I know had a well paid job, married someone who also had a well paid job, had a couple of children and gave up work or reduced their hours. None of them would have done anything like that without the security of marriage.

Oneandanotherone · 02/07/2021 22:39

I used to want to, but now I’ve seen how expensive divorce is, it’s not for me.