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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a guest brings baked treats to your house, you share them with said guest?

344 replies

NonShallot · 01/07/2021 16:23

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends. I was visiting them at home for a casual 'catch up' and cup of tea, but as I hadn't seen them for a while, I brought round some sweet treats to have with the tea. On both occasions it was a packet of muffins, or cookies, the bags of freshly baked kind from a local bakery. The kind you have to eat on the day type thing.

I had several cups of tea with friend number one, but the muffins remained unopened and unoffered.

Friend number two took the cookies with enthusiasm but again didn't offer to open them. As I was leaving with my DD, I heard friend say to her children, 'Shallot has brought cookies, do you want one?' literally as I was walking out the door.

I wasn't bringing a fancy box of chocolates or biscuits as a gift for the host to personally enjoy later, it was more of a 'oh well you're providing the tea, I'll provide the snacks' type thing. If someone came to mine and brought fresh muffins/cookies I would automatically open them and offer them with a cup of tea.

What's the etiquette here? Am I in the wrong for thinking the baked goods should be shared?

OP posts:
Maddison12 · 01/07/2021 20:41

Nonshallot😂

Well it is weird of them not to offer you any. BUT it's weird of you to just sit there and not say anything. Surely if friend wasn't forthcoming you would just say "Oohh should we open those cookies".

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 01/07/2021 20:47

Yanbu, I would certainly expect them to be shared.

RiverSkater · 01/07/2021 20:49

I read this first as baked beans and was quite confused 😆

Hotfootit · 01/07/2021 21:10

I make various biscuits and cakes at Christmas. I took some round to a friend for a few Christmas drinks with a friend of an evening. She put them out (I didn’t eat them all, I’d bought a nice selection fit her to enjoy). At the end of the evening as I left she cleared up snd Chuck all of what was left in the bin Shock. I just take crisps now!

GreyhoundG1rl · 01/07/2021 21:12

@Hotfootit

I make various biscuits and cakes at Christmas. I took some round to a friend for a few Christmas drinks with a friend of an evening. She put them out (I didn’t eat them all, I’d bought a nice selection fit her to enjoy). At the end of the evening as I left she cleared up snd Chuck all of what was left in the bin Shock. I just take crisps now!
God! Shock. Who does that??
Donkydinky · 01/07/2021 21:20

I would probably assume they were a gift as a sort of thank you for having me over and I’d share it out with the family later on blush

This isn't odd or rude at all if you have gone out of your way to prepare for these guests. It would be odd if you hadn't anything to offer them. Not odd if you have prepared some baking.

I think this is all just a clash of cultures, really.

Boatie · 01/07/2021 21:24

@Popcornbetty Bringing food to eat for themselves Grin Now THAT is definitely rude and rather silly to boot.

Raindancer411 · 01/07/2021 21:28

When my friend brings Colin the caterpillars, I always open them with our cuppas and offer her to take the rest home (she always says no but she brought them so I offer)

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2021 21:32

@ivykaty44

If I invited you around for coffee and then you brought baked goods then I could be offended - why do you think you need to supplement my offerings?

If you bring me a gift - then I put it to one side and have later etc

You'd be offended if your friend brought you a baked good when she popped round for coffee?
Donkydinky · 01/07/2021 21:45

When my friend brings Colin the caterpillars,

I'd like to have a friend who brings Colin the caterpillars.

She can do what she likes.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2021 21:46

For those like @Boatie who said they'd be offended due to their culture, would you share what culture you're from for info?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2021 21:46

@Donkydinky

When my friend brings Colin the caterpillars,

I'd like to have a friend who brings Colin the caterpillars.

She can do what she likes.

#FreeCuthbert
peboh · 01/07/2021 21:51

Not necessarily, on the odd occasion mil pops round she always brings some kind of biscuit or pastry but whenever I've offered her one she says no, they're for dh, dd and I. I do always offer to share things when given, but it might not be the norm for everybody.

Jasmine11 · 01/07/2021 21:59

I'd always share, but if I was in your position I would have opened them and offered them around 🤷‍♀️

potatoocity · 01/07/2021 22:15

@Boatie

This is probably a cultural thing. I would assume it’s a gift. In my culture, it would be seen as very weird to bring food/drink to ‘dinner’ in the first place, for If they’ve invited you to dinner, why do you think they need your extra food/wine? It would be met with Confused and politely put away. I now see from this thread at least, that the normal thing here would have been to share it back with the guest.

Yeah same in mine

You can't go to someone's house and eat half of the food you bring for them!

You might as well just eat your own treats on the way, and give your guest their own

BrandNewHeretic · 01/07/2021 22:19

@northernlightsea

Do they normally eat biscuits/cakes? I don’t at the moment (trying to lose weight) so I would feel a bit odd opening them but then refusing to have one.
I'm the same, but I think I'd feel like I had to have one and be inwardly cross that it had sabotaged my diet.
MariposaLilly · 01/07/2021 22:27

@mam0918

Depends - example: a cake I would assume is to share (no one has a whole cake alone etc...) like you said but other times I have taken stuff specifically for the host like their favorite brand of beer or something and I dont expect any as I dont even like it so it was as a 'gift'.

The one that annoyed me most was I got invited to an American co-workers house to celebrate thanksgiving and I though it was a great chance to experiance some culture. We where told to bring certain things for the dinner as is 'American tradition' so I did. This involved me spending all day cooking and spending a small fortune on tupperwear to transport it as at 20 I didnt own any.

I arrived, handed over the food which was whisked into the kitchen and we never saw it again, it was never served (even though it was fresh and would go off) and more to my irritation I never got my BRAND NEW tupperwear back.

The whole night was awkward and wierd, me and my other friend from work sat around with a bunch of Americans we didnt know (co-workers other friends) who ignored us and watched sports all night, it was increadibly dull and as a Brit I will say thanksgiving sucks and I dont get the point lol.

I've lived in the U.S all my adult life and still don't understand why I'm told to bring food when invited to someone's house for dinner. I think the custom is very rude. You get the call, 'would you like to have dinner with us on Saturday'? You tell them you'd love to and then they give you a list of dishes they want you to make for the meal. I understand if it's a potluck or picnic but for a more formal meal it's plain weird. I've been told to bring the dessert, deviled eggs or salad.

Once I brought an fancy cake I'd baked which had fresh cream and fruit in it and the host dumped cheap ice cream and cool whip all over it!

When I invite someone to my home they always say, "What shall I bring"? I tell them they are the guest and only bring themselves. Once a daily brought a big bag of potato chips/crisps even though I said I was taking care of all the food. They ate these crisps all through the meal I'd prepared - which didn't go with crisps at all. I thought it was insulting as hell.

What pisses me off even more is when all the women go to the kitchen to wash dishes while the men have an invigorating conversation in the other room!

MariposaLilly · 01/07/2021 22:28

*Family not daily. Posted before I proof read.

NiceGerbil · 01/07/2021 22:40

Honestly and genuinely.

I don't care either way and I couldn't be doing with friends who did.

Why does it matter?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2021 22:45

You can't go to someone's house and eat half of the food you bring for them! You might as well just eat your own treats on the way, and give your guest their own
But the whole point is about sharing food and eating together. Esp as we're talking popping round for a cuppa not a dinner party.

Sittinginthesand · 01/07/2021 22:47

Whoever asked where people who might be offended are from - I’m from sw England.

It depends how it was done - a close friend would just say ‘I’ve got biscuits’ and put them on a plate the problem was that you weren’t clear when you handed them over. There may be a class element (sorry!) too posh people generally bring random stuff if they are going to bring anything- bringing wine is v bad form!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2021 22:51

It was me @Sittinginthesand , but it was the cultural bit I meant as assumed it was people from other countries or raised by parents from other countries.

Sittinginthesand · 01/07/2021 23:01

My parents, gps, ggps,gggps, ggggps also uk. My grandmother would have thought it was completely extraordinary if someone had turned up with biscuits. She’d have mentioned it every time their name came up.

Popcornbetty · 01/07/2021 23:09

Alittle off thread but people turning up at other people’s houses hungry and then expecting food (when it was suppose to be a half an hour cuppa & a biscuit type visit) is so rude. Why not eat beforehand? I have relatives who make a habit of eating nothing and then landing down starving right around lunchtime. The same relatives are fine not to eat lunch when you visit their house however… Hmm

RampantIvy · 01/07/2021 23:22

TBH I don't expect biscuits or cake if I am invited for tea/coffee, and don't always offer them, but if I took baked goods it would be in the expectation of sharing them.