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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if a guest brings baked treats to your house, you share them with said guest?

344 replies

NonShallot · 01/07/2021 16:23

So this has happened twice to me recently with two different friends. I was visiting them at home for a casual 'catch up' and cup of tea, but as I hadn't seen them for a while, I brought round some sweet treats to have with the tea. On both occasions it was a packet of muffins, or cookies, the bags of freshly baked kind from a local bakery. The kind you have to eat on the day type thing.

I had several cups of tea with friend number one, but the muffins remained unopened and unoffered.

Friend number two took the cookies with enthusiasm but again didn't offer to open them. As I was leaving with my DD, I heard friend say to her children, 'Shallot has brought cookies, do you want one?' literally as I was walking out the door.

I wasn't bringing a fancy box of chocolates or biscuits as a gift for the host to personally enjoy later, it was more of a 'oh well you're providing the tea, I'll provide the snacks' type thing. If someone came to mine and brought fresh muffins/cookies I would automatically open them and offer them with a cup of tea.

What's the etiquette here? Am I in the wrong for thinking the baked goods should be shared?

OP posts:
SamW98 · 01/07/2021 19:28

@Boatie

This is probably a cultural thing. I would assume it’s a gift. In my culture, it would be seen as very weird to bring food/drink to ‘dinner’ in the first place, for If they’ve invited you to dinner, why do you think they need your extra food/wine? It would be met with Confused and politely put away. I now see from this thread at least, that the normal thing here would have been to share it back with the guest.
But its not dinner in the OP. Its a meet up for coffee and chats.

Going for a meal would be a totally different situation

Showgurn · 01/07/2021 19:29

I’d absolutely share there and then as I’m not sweet toothed so won’t eat them myself. Even if I was, I’d share!

cookiecreampie · 01/07/2021 19:29

Maybe the friend didn't want to eat them and preferred to give it to her child. The mistake you made was handing them over to her, that makes it look like a gift. You should have just opened them, took some and offered her some.

ivykaty44 · 01/07/2021 19:36

If I invited you around for coffee and then you brought baked goods then I could be offended - why do you think you need to supplement my offerings?

If you bring me a gift - then I put it to one side and have later etc

Wearywithteens · 01/07/2021 19:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

3Britnee · 01/07/2021 19:37

I want to know whether either of the friends put their own biscuits/cakes etc out or not. Just to determine their full level of rudeness 😂

Branleuse · 01/07/2021 19:43

normal etiquette is to share them out, but some of these unwritten rules arent obvious to everybody

WantingToWonder · 01/07/2021 19:44

Honestly, if a friend came round and didn't say 'oi get them cakes/biscuits out' then I'd assume they were for me.

WantingToWonder · 01/07/2021 19:46

..and no its not obvious. I'd never associate drinking tea with biscuits or cake because it's not something I've ever done.

JuneFromBethesda · 01/07/2021 19:48

I agree with you OP. I was invited to my cousin's house a while back with my 2 kids, she has 2 children of similar ages. We brought with us a dozen freshly baked (homemade) chocolate muffins.

Slightly different scenario admittedly but she gave one each to the kids - and then didn't have one herself or offer one to me, even though we were sitting having a cup of tea and it was the middle of the afternoon Hmm

Wearywithteens · 01/07/2021 19:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

mam0918 · 01/07/2021 19:58

Depends - example: a cake I would assume is to share (no one has a whole cake alone etc...) like you said but other times I have taken stuff specifically for the host like their favorite brand of beer or something and I dont expect any as I dont even like it so it was as a 'gift'.

The one that annoyed me most was I got invited to an American co-workers house to celebrate thanksgiving and I though it was a great chance to experiance some culture. We where told to bring certain things for the dinner as is 'American tradition' so I did. This involved me spending all day cooking and spending a small fortune on tupperwear to transport it as at 20 I didnt own any.

I arrived, handed over the food which was whisked into the kitchen and we never saw it again, it was never served (even though it was fresh and would go off) and more to my irritation I never got my BRAND NEW tupperwear back.

The whole night was awkward and wierd, me and my other friend from work sat around with a bunch of Americans we didnt know (co-workers other friends) who ignored us and watched sports all night, it was increadibly dull and as a Brit I will say thanksgiving sucks and I dont get the point lol.

NCwhatsmynameagain · 01/07/2021 20:03

If you’re a host and you’ve already provided sufficient food then you might reasonably take it as a bit of a gift to avoid wasting food on the day, but if not or if suggested otherwise by guest then yes I’d put out what had been offered. Both scenarios are feasible.

scrambledcustard · 01/07/2021 20:05

Ive had this happen to me! We arranged to have a picnic/lunch at a school mums. She said she would have the sandwiches and I agreed to bring the treats.

She took the treats off me and put them individually away in her pantry! Then when lunch time came made us a dry cheese sandwich.

as time went on I knew they were not going to get brought out so I asked her to bring them out so my dc could have some. No way was I doing a bloody shop for her!

mynameisbrian · 01/07/2021 20:10

if someone popped round for tea with cakes or biscuits I wouldnt need to be advised that it was for said tea. Those suggesting you would think it was a gift and hide them away are rude. A friend of mine brought round a lovely chocolate cake when visiting after I had a baby. Didnt cross my mind not to open it and have a slice with her over a tea. OP I wouldnt bother taking anymore round.

Jumpingintosummer · 01/07/2021 20:14

Very rude to not offer especially when your DD was there then mentioning it to her DC in earshot Sad

3Britnee · 01/07/2021 20:18

Genuine question, people that think it would be a gift, why do you think someone would be bringing you a gift for tea and a chat? Dinner, yes, but tea/coffee, not in my opinion.

caringcarer · 01/07/2021 20:22

Next time wait until they make your drink then pull cookies put of bag open them and place on table and say help yourself to a cookie.

Boatie · 01/07/2021 20:25

@SamW98 In my culture it makes no difference. It will always be seen as offensive to bring food and drinks round to someone’s house who has invited you for dinner/tea or anything involving eating. It doesn’t mean that is the culture in Britain. I’m just pointing out it could be the reason some people react differently.

Of course if you were going for a walk together and bought biscuits on the way to obviously eat THEN it would be expected that you would share it.

Lizlou85 · 01/07/2021 20:25

When I’m arranging a catch up at someone’s house I alway mention in advance something like.... o I’ll bring a treat to go with the tea, just so they know in advance.

Moonwatcher1234 · 01/07/2021 20:26

I’m in a minority here but it really wouldn’t bother me. I had a friend who used to do this and it didn’t trouble me but I later discovered how perilous her financial situation was and she was probably saving the treats for her kids. Sometimes we can overthink stuff like this and I would really not give it a second thought.

Jumpalicious · 01/07/2021 20:29

My good Pakistan friend says in her culture: guests always arrive with a gift, and hosts treat their guests like gods. Not a bad way of mutually appreciating one another, and kind of knowing the rules! As to the pp who doesn’t associate tea with cake - which culture are you part of? I’d have thought that link is pretty universal? At least has been everywhere I’ve ever travelled...

CeeceeBloomingdale · 01/07/2021 20:34

There are some very formal friendships on here! If I'm invited for coffee I'll say I'll bring the cake and friends do vice versa. We also boil each others kettles, open cupboards and get out plates and sometimes even peg the other person's washing out or help their small child with something. I don't want friends who don't eat cake with me!

Popcornbetty · 01/07/2021 20:34

@Boatie i can understand it being rude but if you bring food when you've already been invited to eat at somebody's house. It was my understanding that op was invited for drinks only so brought some biscuits to go with it to share. I think that's fine but would draw the line at somebody bringing food to eat for themselves and not sharing (dm has been known to do this on several occasions.) What was meant to be a quick cuppa turned into a 'I've brought my lunch have you a plate i can use etc fiasco!

Popcornbetty · 01/07/2021 20:34

rude if*