Husband called my work to tell them I was cheating!

[Honestwoman]

Long story short I hope. I asked my DH for a separation in May asked him to give me time to think and I needed space. He disagrees with this and wouldn’t leave.

I work away from home. DH looks after DC while I am away at work. I come home for a couple of weeks at a time. Over the last year DH gambled I found out and had to take control. There is no trust in our relationship due to this, house is always a mess I would spend my time at home gutting out rooms. He doesn’t tell me some things like council tax wasn’t paid, although he did sort it. I still apparently don’t know about it. This causes me a lot of stress, he did get a job all fine no idea what he spends his money on says he’s not gambling and so far I have seen no evidence of this. However when I was home in May and saw he had not done a thing like leave a big double wardrobe in the living room for5 weeks, house was upside down, asked him to clear out the bike shed so DC £200 bike can be stored in there and not in my living room. I saw red. I just can’t do this anymore so asked for a separation.

After I asked for separation he refused to go and give me time, instead he literally followed me everywhere I went including to a friends garden for coffee. Roll forward a bit and he started going through my phone when I was asleep I caught him at it and he denied it, and my old phone that DC now uses. He came across messages from months ago and accused me of cheating. Yes they were flirty and what not but nothing happened from those messages and nothing since. Yes I know I was wrong and shouldn’t have. He accused me of cheating, I assured him I haven’t. Just yesterday he said he believed me that I haven’t cheated. DH went to see his doctor as he has been struggling with depression and anxiety. I had his mother on the phone telling me I should be at home with DC as he is in a bad way. DH said I must give up work for the sake of the DC. He says I don’t care about him or DC.

My work called me yesterday to say my DH had been on the phone saying I was cheating with my clients son!!! I was mortified! Why would he do that? I don’t understand it. All while this is going on he is acting nice as pie messaging me constantly so I asked him if he has told anyone about these messages and he said no. I told him my work has called me in for a meeting and he says to me just tell them your having issues at home!!! I gave him the opportunity to tell me what he has done and he didn’t take it.

I’m at a loss. A week ago I said I would call off the separation I was thinking if his mental health and thought ok I’ll give it 6 months. This has not been an easy decision for me and it would mean I would be the part time parent and that is breaking me😢 but I cannot live this life I’m not sure how I am going to broach this when I am next home he doesn’t know that I know he contacted my work with these allegations!

I don’t understand what is going on with him, why one minute through messages he’s acting like there is nothing wrong, nothing happening in our lives, surely this is not normal behaviour?

[quote zoeydollie]@Tearsandtantrums someone can be a terrible partner and still be a good parent.
Or are you saying that a mum with depression and an untidy house who splits with their partner should lose custody of their kids?

I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship with someone lazy, slobbish or who gambles but that doesn’t mean they can’t care for their own children.
A parent who works away 50% of the time would be unreasonable to swoop in and disrupt their children by removing them from the sahp. I doubt a court would agree to it anyway.[/quote]
I'm not saying she should stay, I'm saying she should prioritise her kids and take full custody. She says they have lots of help with grandparents etc, so can they not help whilst OP is away?

I also have never said people with depression can't look after kids. I've said the opposite, several times.

OP clearly doesn't want to prioritise her kids and that is clear as anything. How anyone can see otherwise is beyond me. I can only assume it's the OP with different usernames

@Tearsandtantrums. What is the point of taking full custody and then getting other people to look after the chikdren 50% of the time, when her partner, who is a good parent, even though untidy, is able to care for them all the time? Why can't she work and her husband be the SAHP? She's not endangering her children leaving them with an untidy, disorganised, loving, engaged father.

[quote moonbedazzled]@Tearsandtantrums. What is the point of taking full custody and then getting other people to look after the chikdren 50% of the time, when her partner, who is a good parent, even though untidy, is able to care for them all the time? Why can't she work and her husband be the SAHP? She's not endangering her children leaving them with an untidy, disorganised, loving, engaged father.[/quote]
Who has a gambling problem, doesn't pay bills and has been made out to be an abusive manipulative crazy person?

[quote moonbedazzled]@Tearsandtantrums. What is the point of taking full custody and then getting other people to look after the chikdren 50% of the time, when her partner, who is a good parent, even though untidy, is able to care for them all the time? Why can't she work and her husband be the SAHP? She's not endangering her children leaving them with an untidy, disorganised, loving, engaged father.[/quote]
And what on earth do you mean what's the point in taking custody? Maybe because she's their mother and wants to see them as much as she can?

Unbelievable. Never understand why people like this have kids

There's a heck of a difference between helpful grandparents and being full time caregivers half the year. I'm in the helpful camp but would be dismayed at. .. full time care

@Tearsandtantrums just checking
If the op was a man would you still advise that they try and get full custody, from the sahp?

@Tearsandtantrums. Well, he's their father and he wants to see them as much as he can. Why do the OPs wants outweigh her husbands wants?

The OP has never made any accusation of her husband abusing her children.

Sounds like there is a lot of blame to go around. Husband is obviously in the wrong for calling your work but it reads like you were exchanging flirty messages with your clients son? If that's the case I understand why he called work to tell them it was inappropriate. I don't agree with it but I get it. I'm guessing those messages were explicit rather than just a few nice flirty compliments. Anyway he was still in the wrong imo but I'm not a fan of any kind of contact with other parties when finding out about extramarital affairs (whether physical or otherwise).

Unbelievable. Never understand why people like this have kids

People who have to travel as part of their job shouldn't have kids. People who have MH issues or are household slobs shouldn't have kids. Doesn't matter if they are otherwise good with the children day to day and additionally have local support.

Excellent. I've heard it all now.

@Tearsandtantrums you don't lose custody of your children for being lazy, disorganised and controlling/paranoid in a relationship.

Leave- I'd be seriously worried about the welfare of your children

@Honestwoman How old are your children?

@justasking111

I can't get past the op leaving her child in this situation, sorry but children need protection first and foremost her partner is not a suitable carer

That was my first thought too, what on earth is life like for the DC in this situation.....

I wouldn’t leave my children in his care, if I were you.

Talk to women’s aid about how best to leave this man safely for you and the kids.

He sounds dangerous, please be really careful and get professional support from WA.

I had an ex boyfriend do this. Sent an email to everyone at my work with all the gory details of our break up. It was horrific but made me realise I'd made the right choice and was well rid.

@Honestwoman

You don't need to justify yourself in here.
How frequently you are working at home or away, who does the housework, whether you sent flirty texts... none of that is important or even relevant.

On the outside looking in, what jumps out is the escalation of his disturbing behaviour. We know he lacks impulse control (gambling), we know his family who know him best consider him so mentally unwell that he shouldn't be looking after the children, we know he's given to intimidation (following you), we know he wants to harm you (calling your work).

I don't know how else to get through to you other than to say it again, these are huge red flags. He's unwell, he's vengeful and your marriage is over. I wish I didn't know this but I have seen this escalate to extreme violence and even murder when the woman leaves.

You need to get away from him.

Everything else can wait (sorting bills etc)

All the best. There is good advice out there (v little in here)

On another thread I read the husband mentioned body bags and going to prison , our neighbour murdered his wife and committed suicide. Thank god not the kids. No-one expected this tragedy

This thread is a perfect example of the difference in how men and women get described/treated on MN.

Dangerous. Honestly.

Irrespective of everything else which has been covered by other posters, I think it's important to note that he only did this after you had said you would call off the separation. So he thought he was in a position of advantage over you.

That isn't even remotely healthy in any relationship. It was a deliberate act to try and force her into unemployment, whether through sacking for an inappropriate relationship or through humiliation. Any spouse doing this, whether male or female, is acting in a way that I cannot see doing anything expect either holding the spouse hostage (literally, as in financially and emotionally) or destroying any hope of the marriage ever recovering. It's a scorched earth policy - they either get themselves a prisoner with no money, no outside contact, no sense of self worth or independence or they at least get to destroy the spouse.

A very high stake gamble; which makes perfect sense in the context of the man's history.

I think it's time to call it a day. You can't come back from this. He deliberately tried to destroy what pays the bills out of a desire for absolute control and probably the buzz from the risk. And then lied about it. Once a gambler, always a gambler - and as a gambler, he's more than happy to lie and destroy everything in the pursuit of fulfilling his desires.

You don't want to be with him you have to leave. Find somewhere to rent and when you go home spend that time with your children. Try not to build to much hate for him you both need to get on for the sake of your children.

This thread is a perfect example of the difference in how men and women get described/treated on MN.

I do see double standards on that score on mumsnet sometimes. However this situation has massive red flags for me regarding potential for physical harm to OP/family.

Sorry OP, you lost me at the long paragraph about how you can't bear to leave your job ... Shortly after explaining how you'd willingly leave your children permanently to live with someone you say is pretty messed up, so you can live a single life and just pop back to visit the kids when it suits you. If only you felt as strongly about leaving your children as you did your job. Poor kids.

OP, please get you and your kids out of there ASAP. He’s trying to control you and the people around you, including your employers. He will try to isolate you from everyone in your life.