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Original poster

Husband called my work to tell them I was cheating!

183 replies

Honestwoman · 01/07/2021 10:39

Long story short I hope. I asked my DH for a separation in May asked him to give me time to think and I needed space. He disagrees with this and wouldn’t leave.

I work away from home. DH looks after DC while I am away at work. I come home for a couple of weeks at a time. Over the last year DH gambled I found out and had to take control. There is no trust in our relationship due to this, house is always a mess I would spend my time at home gutting out rooms. He doesn’t tell me some things like council tax wasn’t paid, although he did sort it. I still apparently don’t know about it. This causes me a lot of stress, he did get a job all fine no idea what he spends his money on says he’s not gambling and so far I have seen no evidence of this. However when I was home in May and saw he had not done a thing like leave a big double wardrobe in the living room for5 weeks, house was upside down, asked him to clear out the bike shed so DC £200 bike can be stored in there and not in my living room. I saw red. I just can’t do this anymore so asked for a separation.

After I asked for separation he refused to go and give me time, instead he literally followed me everywhere I went including to a friends garden for coffee. Roll forward a bit and he started going through my phone when I was asleep I caught him at it and he denied it, and my old phone that DC now uses. He came across messages from months ago and accused me of cheating. Yes they were flirty and what not but nothing happened from those messages and nothing since. Yes I know I was wrong and shouldn’t have. He accused me of cheating, I assured him I haven’t. Just yesterday he said he believed me that I haven’t cheated. DH went to see his doctor as he has been struggling with depression and anxiety. I had his mother on the phone telling me I should be at home with DC as he is in a bad way. DH said I must give up work for the sake of the DC. He says I don’t care about him or DC.

My work called me yesterday to say my DH had been on the phone saying I was cheating with my clients son!!! I was mortified! Why would he do that? I don’t understand it. All while this is going on he is acting nice as pie messaging me constantly so I asked him if he has told anyone about these messages and he said no. I told him my work has called me in for a meeting and he says to me just tell them your having issues at home!!! I gave him the opportunity to tell me what he has done and he didn’t take it.

I’m at a loss. A week ago I said I would call off the separation I was thinking if his mental health and thought ok I’ll give it 6 months. This has not been an easy decision for me and it would mean I would be the part time parent and that is breaking me😢 but I cannot live this life I’m not sure how I am going to broach this when I am next home he doesn’t know that I know he contacted my work with these allegations!

I don’t understand what is going on with him, why one minute through messages he’s acting like there is nothing wrong, nothing happening in our lives, surely this is not normal behaviour?

OP posts:
Hugoslavia · 01/07/2021 12:34

I think that responses would differ if a man was away at work for two weeks at a time and returned home and complained about the state of the house etc. As a sahm I can tell you that it is far from an easy job and hard. It can become isolating for women, but I should imagine, even more so for a man. It sounds very much like it has caused him to become depressed/exacerbated any anxiety that he has. The gambling would tie in with this. He's clearly petrified of losing you. If you're the main breadwinner, then divorce also leaves him further isolated and financially uncertain. Your flirtatious text messages, coinciding with wanting to leave and long hours away have obviously contributed to this. Not that that justifies him calling up your work. But he appears to be desperate. I think that if you want change, you also have to be a part of that change and reduce your hours/employ a cleaner and be around more.

ChequerBoard · 01/07/2021 12:38

@BillMasen

Interested to see how this thread evolves.

I’m guessing a male op, having what’s more than likely an emotional affair with the daughter of a work client while working away would get a rougher ride.

Op is also critical of the mess the sahp leaves, and unhappy that their partner as sahp would likely get more time with kids post separation (and no doubt cms)

This post reads very much like a mans situation and is getting a surprising amount of unquestioned support.

I agree.

Op works away for weeks at a time and then criticises how the DH is managing the home and children.

If that was a DH, we'd all be saying it sounds abusive and controlling!!

ancientgran · 01/07/2021 12:41

I'm not clear what she wants. In the OP she says, "After I asked for separation he refused to go and give me time" which sounds like she wants him to leave the family home. Later she talks about not upsetting children's routines and her leaving.

Very confusing.

Sounds like he's effectively a single parent for weeks at a time, he has a job and she comes home and complains that things aren't how she wants them. I wouldn't be happy if I was him, no wonder he's feeling depressed.

Micemakingclothes · 01/07/2021 12:44

He absolutely should not have called your employer. There was no excuse for that.

As for the separation, he is the primary caregiver so it’s really strange that you expected him to give you space when you asked for the separation. You really should be moving out.

PurpleMustang · 01/07/2021 12:45

@honeylulu

He is panicking as he does not want you to separate. He thinks if you have no job you will be dependent on him and have to stay. He has expressly told you he wants you to give up work. You haven't so he has tried to engineer the loss of your job, either by getting you sacked or resigning through humiliation.

Whatever you do next, hang onto your job and financial independence as you will need it to get away, and get away from him you must. The marriage sounds beyond hope. I don't even mean the gambling and the mess, but the manipulation and attempts to control and bully you.

This You won't quit so he is trying to get you sacked
Terhou · 01/07/2021 12:47

I don’t know how to deal with him calling my work. How would I say I know?

I don't see why that's a problem. Surely he must know that, having called them, they would tell you he had done so?

Eddielzzard · 01/07/2021 12:53

Agree with others, he's trying to get you sacked. I personally wouldn't let onto him that you know. I'd keep as much info under wraps for as long as possible. Knowledge is power and you need to stay one step ahead of the game here. I would hang on to find out if you can get this new job. Sounds like a life line.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 01/07/2021 12:56

Clear-cut harassment and abuse. Get out as fast as you can.

Naunet · 01/07/2021 12:56

Fuck me, the handmaids are really on standby for this thread, ready to derail into a poor menz argument at the drop of a hat!

spanielstail · 01/07/2021 13:06

I mean the whole situation isn't great but I disagree he did it to make you dependent. It isn't a great way to conduct a marriage if you are away so much. Maybe he wants a situation where you are home to be a mum and wife?

For clarity though it was a completely unacceptable thing to do.

SuperstoreFan · 01/07/2021 13:06

@Naunet

Fuck me, the handmaids are really on standby for this thread, ready to derail into a poor menz argument at the drop of a hat!
To be fair the OP is contradicting herself.
sadie9 · 01/07/2021 13:10

You are away from the family home for quite a stretch. You say 'when I was home in May'. It's now July 1st. Have you not been back since?
What age are your kids? I think that's very relevant to your decision.
You'll probably be getting quite a range of responses so if your feelings are hurting remember these are only based on the limited information provided thus far.
I know plenty of men work away from home too. However, it is a very big shift to have had your mother as a SAHM to suddenly have her absent completely for several weeks at a time.
The kids need to know who'll be around and when.
There is also the transitions when you come home and then you have to leave again. It must be gut-wrenching to leave them. It must be a very painful time for everyone when you have to leave go back to work.

Bryonyshcmyony · 01/07/2021 13:12

Can't you just ask him why did you call my work??

moonbedazzled · 01/07/2021 13:14

@Tearsandtantrums. Thank you for clarifying. I must have misread that - probably because I wouldn't think that anyone could be that unreasonable. The whole family has to move out of their home so that the OP isn't inconvenienced looking for another place? I'm going to read the whole thread again because I must be missing something.

ChequerBoard · 01/07/2021 13:15

@Naunet

Fuck me, the handmaids are really on standby for this thread, ready to derail into a poor menz argument at the drop of a hat!
The point I and others are making is that the sex of either OP of her partner is irrelevant.

The circumstances where one is away for weeks at a time, leaving the other to mange the house and DC alone and then returns only to start criticising is what is key here.

saraclara · 01/07/2021 13:17

You are away from the family home for quite a stretch. You say 'when I was home in May'. It's now July 1st. Have you not been back since?
What age are your kids? I think that's very relevant to your decision.

Yep. This is fundamental information that you're not sharing. How long are you away for at a time?

BillMasen · 01/07/2021 13:18

@Naunet

Fuck me, the handmaids are really on standby for this thread, ready to derail into a poor menz argument at the drop of a hat!
I think maybe you should re-read with an assumption that the op is a man. Then see how it feels…
Closetbeanmuncher · 01/07/2021 13:21

He thinks if you have no job you will be dependent on him and have to stay. He has expressly told you he wants you to give up work
You haven't so he has tried to engineer the loss of your job, either by getting you sacked or resigning through humiliation

This to the letter...any chance I would have been willing to give would be instantly withdrawn.

He's completely untrustworthy and extremely manipulative.

Tearsandtantrums · 01/07/2021 13:21

As a rough guess, the fact the OP said she came home to find the wardrobe in the living room after 5 weeks, she works away a lot. I'm of the opinion that anyone, man or woman who has children and then works away from them for weeks at a time is an irresponsible and selfish parent. Let alone a parent who works away for weeks leaving her children with someone she says has mental health issues

saraclara · 01/07/2021 13:28

DH said I must give up work for the sake of the DC. He says I don’t care about him or DC.

I can imagine a woman with kids whose DH works away for six weeks or more at a time, demanding the same thing and feeling the same way. It's not much of a family life, is it? Especially with anxiety and depression.

I'm not saying it's that simple, and obviously the gambling etc had been a big problem.
But in any relationship, that type of work is a huge stressor when one of the partners is basically a single parent most of the time.

We'd all be sympathizing with a woman in his position.

butterpuffed · 01/07/2021 13:29

OP, when you say you come home for a couple of weeks at a time, how long are you away in between ?

justasking111 · 01/07/2021 13:30

As Joan Collins said once @Honestwoman

"I don`t need a husband I need a wife"

Tearsandtantrums · 01/07/2021 13:30

OP has disappeared as the thread isn't going her way and people are calling her our on her BS.

Poo children

Tearsandtantrums · 01/07/2021 13:30

That was obviously supposed to say poor children Hmm

Naunet · 01/07/2021 13:49

I think maybe you should re-read with an assumption that the op is a man. Then see how it feels…

Err no, because this post is about a woman, not how unfair we all are to the poor menz. 🙄