Husband called my work to tell them I was cheating!

[Honestwoman]

Long story short I hope. I asked my DH for a separation in May asked him to give me time to think and I needed space. He disagrees with this and wouldn’t leave.

I work away from home. DH looks after DC while I am away at work. I come home for a couple of weeks at a time. Over the last year DH gambled I found out and had to take control. There is no trust in our relationship due to this, house is always a mess I would spend my time at home gutting out rooms. He doesn’t tell me some things like council tax wasn’t paid, although he did sort it. I still apparently don’t know about it. This causes me a lot of stress, he did get a job all fine no idea what he spends his money on says he’s not gambling and so far I have seen no evidence of this. However when I was home in May and saw he had not done a thing like leave a big double wardrobe in the living room for5 weeks, house was upside down, asked him to clear out the bike shed so DC £200 bike can be stored in there and not in my living room. I saw red. I just can’t do this anymore so asked for a separation.

After I asked for separation he refused to go and give me time, instead he literally followed me everywhere I went including to a friends garden for coffee. Roll forward a bit and he started going through my phone when I was asleep I caught him at it and he denied it, and my old phone that DC now uses. He came across messages from months ago and accused me of cheating. Yes they were flirty and what not but nothing happened from those messages and nothing since. Yes I know I was wrong and shouldn’t have. He accused me of cheating, I assured him I haven’t. Just yesterday he said he believed me that I haven’t cheated. DH went to see his doctor as he has been struggling with depression and anxiety. I had his mother on the phone telling me I should be at home with DC as he is in a bad way. DH said I must give up work for the sake of the DC. He says I don’t care about him or DC.

My work called me yesterday to say my DH had been on the phone saying I was cheating with my clients son!!! I was mortified! Why would he do that? I don’t understand it. All while this is going on he is acting nice as pie messaging me constantly so I asked him if he has told anyone about these messages and he said no. I told him my work has called me in for a meeting and he says to me just tell them your having issues at home!!! I gave him the opportunity to tell me what he has done and he didn’t take it.

I’m at a loss. A week ago I said I would call off the separation I was thinking if his mental health and thought ok I’ll give it 6 months. This has not been an easy decision for me and it would mean I would be the part time parent and that is breaking me😢 but I cannot live this life I’m not sure how I am going to broach this when I am next home he doesn’t know that I know he contacted my work with these allegations!

I don’t understand what is going on with him, why one minute through messages he’s acting like there is nothing wrong, nothing happening in our lives, surely this is not normal behaviour?

@BillMasen

Interested to see how this thread evolves.

I’m guessing a male op, having what’s more than likely an emotional affair with the daughter of a work client while working away would get a rougher ride.

Op is also critical of the mess the sahp leaves, and unhappy that their partner as sahp would likely get more time with kids post separation (and no doubt cms)

This post reads very much like a mans situation and is getting a surprising amount of unquestioned support.

I was thinking this as well.

I am also very intrigued by the "clients son" thing. Is that who the flirty messages were with? And if so, why?

And yes, I'm not sure what the answer is, but if his mental health is as bad as it sounds, how can he look after the kids with you only coming home every few weeks?

Did you tell your boss that you had been exchanging flirty text messages with a relative of a client?

@PrettyLittleFlies

Oh don't worry about *@BillMasen*, that poster is hellbent on making this thread all about them.

What the evidence tells us is that men are way more dangerous to women than women are to men. Your husband's behaviour is alarming. You don't need to justify your concerns to a bunch of strangers on the internet. But please do think seriously about getting far away from him. He is impulsive and erratic and hugely angry, he is dangerous.

Alarming to the point she's going to run away and leave her kids with him?

@BillMasen

Interested to see how this thread evolves.

I’m guessing a male op, having what’s more than likely an emotional affair with the daughter of a work client while working away would get a rougher ride.

Op is also critical of the mess the sahp leaves, and unhappy that their partner as sahp would likely get more time with kids post separation (and no doubt cms)

This post reads very much like a mans situation and is getting a surprising amount of unquestioned support.

I must admit it read that way to me too. Either that or a reverse.

Sounds to me like OP has had enough of married life and the kids and is planning on running off into the sunset to live her best life...... probably with the client's son (which is a whole other level of poor behaviour)

Did he agree to you working away so much? Was that a joint decision or has there always been resentment there? If my DH worked away from home and I found inappropriate messages on his phone and he complained about the state of the house when he came home I’m not sure how calm and collected I’d be about the whole situation.

I can't get past the op leaving her child in this situation, sorry but children need protection first and foremost her partner is not a suitable carer

I would be very concerned about my dc's safety as your dh is not emotionally well and sounds vindictive. I would take some A/L to try to sort out other arrangements (perhaps staying with grandparents instead) and start applying for jobs closer to home.

Also, just re-read the OP. You want to separate from your husband who is a SAHP, you want HIM to leave the martial home and you also want him to have the kids full time. What on earth am I reading

Also, he was right to snoop around not trust you as he found inappropriate messages.

SAHP = someone who got sacked

@chickenyhead

SAHP = someone who got sacked

Would you say that to a female? He's at home looking after the kids, what else do you call it?

@Honestwoman

I’m sorry I have no idea how to link/tag somebody and reply to them. Thank you for the link *@Sailingthroughtheweek* interesting article. The DC are safe he is not a violent man at all more and emotional person. If I leave I would need to leave DC I don’t want to upset their routine etc and given I work away from home it makes more sense. There is and always has been a lot of support for DH and DC while I am away. Grandparents are always in contact and also helped with childcare when DH was working. There is another position within my work, I can’t apply until I’m home as I don’t have access to my CV when at work. If I get it then I’ll stay home with DC and Chuck his ass out. However I can’t give up work, as I am doing a diploma through my work, if I leave I’ll have to pay it all back and I wouldn’t be able to afford to do that. The messages were not to the son but rather another relative. I don’t know how to deal with him calling my work. How would I say I know?

I'm not sure how that would work legally. You work away, how long has he been the primary carer for the children? If you reversed the sexes and a man who has worked away long term said he wanted him wife to leave and he'd stay home with the children I'm not sure he'd get his way.

Yup

They were sacked, other childcare IS available

How was the separation going to work OP? Was your suggestion that he return to your home to look after the children while you were working away? Or did you plan for them to be looked after wherever he had gone to live?

@PrettyLittleFlies thank u. At the end of the day I do everything for my children. I was a samp for many years when DH gave up his job 3 years ago due to stress at work I had to go back to work and doing this job made sense especially the money and the fact we now had debts to pay. These messages were flirty a bit of fun 2 days worth and I put a stop to it and this was months ago. That’s all it was messages no sex no nothing. He would have seen on my phone that there were no messages after that point and he has since said he believes me it was only messages and that is it which is why I don’t understand what made him think it was ok to call my work?
If I got this other job then it won’t affect my diploma only if I leave this employment would I need to pay it back I have a year left to finish it. Not only that but I gave up a lot to do this job I was active in my community played sports on school parent council for 8 years allotment missing birthdays sometimes Xmas time with family and friends etc etc now I’m being asked to give up yet something else. Something I have grown used to and started to love doing. DH life seems to consist of football and not much else in the case of hobbies or even friends. He sees my friends with me that’s it

@Tearsandtantrums

I see OP has tried to play down her role in this, so let me try and summarise to make sure I'm understanding correctly.

OP works away from home for weeks at a time
OP is concerned for the mental health of the husband she leaves in charge of her kids, so much so that's she's going to leave him and leave her kids with him too.
OPs husband phoned her boss to tell her that OP was having an affair (emotional or otherwise but the downplaying suggests the latter) with a client's son

Is that right?

OP it sounds to me like you need to take a long hard look at yourself and your behaviour (and I would say this to a man too). You need to be looking after your children's safety, that is your number 1 priority. If this man lives in such a shithole and can't even look after himself, why on earth are you planning trotting off and leaving him to look after your children full time?

You're a disgrace to be honest

And he has

Gambled lots of money away
Risked credit rating by not paying council tax
Lost his job for poor time keeping
Followed OP to her friend
Phoned her work to report her

He’s hardly a paragon!

This is going to sound harsh but it need saying.
"If I leave I would need to leave DC I don’t want to upset their routine etc and given I work away from home it makes more sense."
Sorry, I have to call bullshit on the above.
This is you on the run from your commitments. You are saying you are going to leave the relationship and abandon your children. And just see them whenever it suits your job?
When they are adults and they say 'where the fuck were you all our lives?' then you can you didn't want to upset their routine. That'll go down well.
You say you can apply for another job but your CV is somewhere else?? C'mon? That's another dodge.
Can you not write another CV? Can you not ask someone to collect your CV or the laptop at home or something.
I understand your husband is emotional, depressed etc but you have control issues going on here too with yourself.
Your children are well looked after. If there's a wardrobe in the sitting room it just annoys you. It's not a symptom of 'neglect'.
When you go home you spend the time 'gutting rooms'. Do they really need to be gutted? Or do you just want to fill your time that way but pretend that someone is 'making' you gut rooms.
You value your work and career above everything else currently.
Probably because you feel in control there. You can toy with people via flirty texts to make yourself feel appreciated and again get control of a 'relationship' that you can keep at arms length.
Take a good long look at what it is you are giving up.
What you need is therapy to find out why you can't stay in one place for five minutes. Do 6 months of therapy and then decide.

[quote Honestwoman]@PrettyLittleFlies thank u. At the end of the day I do everything for my children. I was a samp for many years when DH gave up his job 3 years ago due to stress at work I had to go back to work and doing this job made sense especially the money and the fact we now had debts to pay. These messages were flirty a bit of fun 2 days worth and I put a stop to it and this was months ago. That’s all it was messages no sex no nothing. He would have seen on my phone that there were no messages after that point and he has since said he believes me it was only messages and that is it which is why I don’t understand what made him think it was ok to call my work?
If I got this other job then it won’t affect my diploma only if I leave this employment would I need to pay it back I have a year left to finish it. Not only that but I gave up a lot to do this job I was active in my community played sports on school parent council for 8 years allotment missing birthdays sometimes Xmas time with family and friends etc etc now I’m being asked to give up yet something else. Something I have grown used to and started to love doing. DH life seems to consist of football and not much else in the case of hobbies or even friends. He sees my friends with me that’s it[/quote]
Not sure what your husband only playing football has to do with anything. Are you trying to justify yourself?

You cannot come on her and express how concerned you are with your husband's mental health and ability to look after himself and the home and then in the next breath start talking about how you're going to leave him and the kids. Are you some kind of sociopath? If you can't bear to be in the house every few weeks because he's so lazy and untidy, do you really think you should be leaving your kids there whilst you run off?

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar - yes he is all of those things, and yet the OP wants to leave her children in his care full-time permanently? Can you not see the issue?

How do you do everything for your children if you work away from home for extended periods? Life goes on at home when you aren't there.

Why should he leave the house? You're away a lot and the house would be empty. How does that make sense? If you're not happy, you leave the house. Your separation would be well under way by now if you'd done that. You say he's a good father, and you're happy for your children to live with him while you're away, so why should they have to move out of their home to stay with him while you're working away.

Imagine if a woman had written that her husband worked away from home, he was inappropriately texting women, and had now to decided his wife should move out of the family home which she lived in full time and he only lived in part-time. People on here would be incandescent on the SAHPs behalf. Why is it different in this case? Because the sexes are reversed? So hypocritical.

Why can't you take your DC with you - or atleast do 50/50 if you left?

I mean sure you'd have to pay for childcare whilst you work but surely that's just part of being a working parent? If your DH used to work then you must have used childcare.

I don't think you should stay in a relationship as it's clearly unhealthy. However, I don't think it's fair for you to walk away and not do your share of the parenting.

Surely your DC needs both their parents to be actively involved in their lives? I know the reality for some kids is that they don't get this but this is the ideal and I don't think that 'work' is a good enough excuse not to be a parent. There are literally millions of working mums that still do their equal share of parenting (and often more)

@moonbedazzled

Why should he leave the house? You're away a lot and the house would be empty. How does that make sense? If you're not happy, you leave the house. Your separation would be well under way by now if you'd done that. You say he's a good father, and you're happy for your children to live with him while you're away, so why should they have to move out of their home to stay with him while you're working away.

Imagine if a woman had written that her husband worked away from home, he was inappropriately texting women, and had now to decided his wife should move out of the family home which she lived in full time and he only lived in part-time. People on here would be incandescent on the SAHPs behalf. Why is it different in this case? Because the sexes are reversed? So hypocritical.

I think the OP is suggesting the children live with the husband full-time (and she stay in the marital home), not just when she's away. Hence why she said she doesn't want to upset their routine etc