Husband called my work to tell them I was cheating!

[Honestwoman]

Long story short I hope. I asked my DH for a separation in May asked him to give me time to think and I needed space. He disagrees with this and wouldn’t leave.

I work away from home. DH looks after DC while I am away at work. I come home for a couple of weeks at a time. Over the last year DH gambled I found out and had to take control. There is no trust in our relationship due to this, house is always a mess I would spend my time at home gutting out rooms. He doesn’t tell me some things like council tax wasn’t paid, although he did sort it. I still apparently don’t know about it. This causes me a lot of stress, he did get a job all fine no idea what he spends his money on says he’s not gambling and so far I have seen no evidence of this. However when I was home in May and saw he had not done a thing like leave a big double wardrobe in the living room for5 weeks, house was upside down, asked him to clear out the bike shed so DC £200 bike can be stored in there and not in my living room. I saw red. I just can’t do this anymore so asked for a separation.

After I asked for separation he refused to go and give me time, instead he literally followed me everywhere I went including to a friends garden for coffee. Roll forward a bit and he started going through my phone when I was asleep I caught him at it and he denied it, and my old phone that DC now uses. He came across messages from months ago and accused me of cheating. Yes they were flirty and what not but nothing happened from those messages and nothing since. Yes I know I was wrong and shouldn’t have. He accused me of cheating, I assured him I haven’t. Just yesterday he said he believed me that I haven’t cheated. DH went to see his doctor as he has been struggling with depression and anxiety. I had his mother on the phone telling me I should be at home with DC as he is in a bad way. DH said I must give up work for the sake of the DC. He says I don’t care about him or DC.

My work called me yesterday to say my DH had been on the phone saying I was cheating with my clients son!!! I was mortified! Why would he do that? I don’t understand it. All while this is going on he is acting nice as pie messaging me constantly so I asked him if he has told anyone about these messages and he said no. I told him my work has called me in for a meeting and he says to me just tell them your having issues at home!!! I gave him the opportunity to tell me what he has done and he didn’t take it.

I’m at a loss. A week ago I said I would call off the separation I was thinking if his mental health and thought ok I’ll give it 6 months. This has not been an easy decision for me and it would mean I would be the part time parent and that is breaking me😢 but I cannot live this life I’m not sure how I am going to broach this when I am next home he doesn’t know that I know he contacted my work with these allegations!

I don’t understand what is going on with him, why one minute through messages he’s acting like there is nothing wrong, nothing happening in our lives, surely this is not normal behaviour?

Op can you get this moved into relationships? You need a plan to keep the DC safe and extricate you all from him. At the moment you seem to want posters here to tell you how to maintain the status quo.

Are you saying the OP isn't a bad parent?

I think the onus is on you to show that the OP is a bad parent. OP is only breadwinner, has specifically said spouse is the main carer to the DC and not a risk to them.
Your assumptions that MH issue = danger to children is discriminatory.

@Honestwoman yes, ask @MNHQ to move this into Relationships. You can do this by flagging your post to report it then in the box, ask them to move it to that new board.

@C8H10N4O2

Are you saying the OP isn't a bad parent?

I think the onus is on you to show that the OP is a bad parent. OP is only breadwinner, has specifically said spouse is the main carer to the DC and not a risk to them.
Your assumptions that MH issue = danger to children is discriminatory.

It seems you've deliberately glazed over the fact the OP has said alongside the MH issues, her husband cannot look after the house. Leaves it in disarray to the point she has to complete 'gut' rooms after being away for two weeks. He also doesn't pay any bills and doesn't make appointments. Added to that, he can't hold down a job and has gambling problems. And she still wants to leave her kids with him and walk away

JingsMahBucket She is telling her the truth and sometimes the truth is harsh and you cant always tip toe. The op sounds resentful towards her husband what ever decision she makes will affect her children. If she leaves before completing her diploma then there is a high chance of her not seeing her kids as much as she did before. If she wants to leave him then she needs to plan this better for the sake of her children. She needs to think of her children more than him and she isn't. She comes across as someone who will see her kids when she can. She will phone everyday until they get fed up of her calls. It's her kids who will judge her not us we don't know her.

Sounds like he will do anything to keep you at home and dependent upon him. I would leave him. That would be the last straw for me.

Oh God here come the people who yell hand maidens or cool wives everytime someone disagrees.

I don't think he should have rung work. At all.

However, op is rarely home. He was a sahp, she claims to do everything but is hardly there, calims the house us a shit tip etc. Which sounds suspiciously like threads where the sahp is a woman and their husband comes in and berates them. Where people will all call the husband and abusive cunt.

Its not possible to do it all and be away for weeks at a time.

And then if they posted that, that very critical husband said they wanted to split, people would support them going through their phone. If they found flirty texts, people would be saying its an affair. Not just some texts. And people, if it was work based, would tell her to ring his job.

I have even seen posts where people tell the op to get a babysitter and follow their soon to be....to 'get their ducks in a row'.

And no one would justify his actions because of the op actions.

Both people here seem to be at fault in some part. Yes, he might be having mental health problems. But maybe, he has been made to feel that he has been going crazy for ages and its turned out at least in part to be true.

Op seems to have really minimised her actions here. He is awful, yet she will leave the kids?

I do similar to you work wise OP - week or 2 away/week or 2 home.

If DH and I were to separate, I think I would find somewhere else to rent and the kids would stay at home, then I would try to see them as much as possible on my off time.

If you want to separate from your husband, do it - you don't need anyone's permission.

Well I think it’s 6 of one half a dozen of another. OP trying to say he does nothing but he has kids on his own 2 weeks then you’re away for 2 weeks. You still have him when you get back. Yes you were cheating-having an emotional affair. Obviously your DH can no longer cope. Who is going to look after the kids? How will your job work?

If you separate then you’ll have the kids on your own the two weeks you’re back? Maybe that’s easier? He can then have his space?

I am not surprised that your Husband is depressed, and has acted a bit weird and off hand at times. He seems to be greatly affected about all the rushing about that you do, and your crazy ideas of how things should be in the home, and you views on childcare if you were to split up.. You are polar opposites in your life styles, but you need to give your children a proper home life, one way or the the other., and your Husband could change for the better, if he felt more secure in life.

@Honestwoman. I'm totally with you about leaving him. I could stay anyone who gambled, drank too much or did drugs, no matter how few. I would be able to trust them. Other people might feel different.

Where I disagree with you, is that your husband should leave the family home so you can get your head together, no matter how short a time you are thinking that's going to be for. If I were him, I'd think you were saying short term but would never let him back in.

You've said he's a good father and you enjoy your job and don't want to leave. I think that's all reasonable - I don't know,why you're getting a hard time fir that. I don't understand why you can't split and find temporary accommodation where you can have some thinking room, leaving the children in his care and you having access. Well really just getting a normal divorce with you as the NRP, a position most men find themselves in, and mumsnetters say is the right solution.

Ooo. Pfft. Of course, I meant I could NOT stay with a gambler etc. And I could NOT trust him.

It seems you've deliberately glazed over the fact the OP has said alongside the MH issues, her husband cannot look after the house. Leaves it in disarray to the point she has to complete 'gut' rooms after being away for two weeks. He also doesn't pay any bills and doesn't make appointments. Added to that, he can't hold down a job and has gambling problems. And she still wants to leave her kids with him and walk away

None of which puts the children in danger in a way that would make it better for the OP to unilaterally abandon their only source of income rather than wait until she can change jobs (as she has said she wants to).

I'm guessing from the bike comment that the children are not babies but at least junior school age. So whilst the spouse at home may be lazy and useless and feckless, unless he isn't actually feeding them he isn't a danger to their well being short term which would necessitate the OP to abandon the only source of family income rather than wait until she can get back to request a transfer.

@C8H10N4O2 of course I want my kids!!!!! What ur missing is what about how I feel? And what I need and want? No where did I say DH was a bad father. This ain’t just about a messy house either. If I could be with my kids full time do u not think I would be? I’m doing this job because of the kids I didn’t have much of a choice a couple years ago! Nothing means more to me than my kids but I am seen as the part time parent as I work away from home. I wouldn’t upset the Apple cary for my selfish needs. I go home and stay home and kick DH to the curb would upset the DC way more as their whole routine would be out

There is a job she could apply for which would mean she could be at home with them but she can't apply for it because she doesn't have her CV on her

What s/he (you may know the OP but I don't) actually said was that they are home for two weeks at a time typically and didn't have their cv with them. I can think of quite a few jobs where when away there would not be access to home servers/documents or even much external access.

OP said that hope spouse has been the main carer and they wouldn't want to uproot the DC from their schools/routines whilst in a heavy travel job. The reality is that that if one partner is presenting as a SAHP and the other is traveling a great deal they would struggle to get custody anyway.

You homed in on MH issues from the outset and interpreted everything about the spouse on a dimension of MH=dangerous lunatic. If that were true a significant number of parents (of both sexes) would have their children removed.

I've no idea of the OP is real, a reverse or a fantasist but your focus on MH early on and apparent incomprehension that the OP might be working a pattern which many men follow makes me wonder just how much you are projecting.

[quote Honestwoman]@C8H10N4O2 of course I want my kids!!!!! What ur missing is what about how I feel? And what I need and want? No where did I say DH was a bad father. This ain’t just about a messy house either. If I could be with my kids full time do u not think I would be? I’m doing this job because of the kids I didn’t have much of a choice a couple years ago! Nothing means more to me than my kids but I am seen as the part time parent as I work away from home. I wouldn’t upset the Apple cary for my selfish needs. I go home and stay home and kick DH to the curb would upset the DC way more as their whole routine would be out[/quote]
I think you may be confusing me with quotes from @Tearsandtantrums

Op don't let posters trying to derail your situation get to you. You took control of the gambling situation and trying to keep your family afloat. Your dh really is a waste of space for getting your family in that situation and then everything else. You also have to deal with his depression. You really need to leave him, he is dragging you down. Following you, contacting your work is harassment. I don't think you should let on that you know he contacted work. His intentions didn't work so he is going to try something else. You need to work on keeping your kids safe and getting him out. You said gp help out? Can you not tell them what's going on? Can you even get them more involved so that they keep an eye on the situation?

[quote Honestwoman]@C8H10N4O2 of course I want my kids!!!!! What ur missing is what about how I feel? And what I need and want? No where did I say DH was a bad father. This ain’t just about a messy house either. If I could be with my kids full time do u not think I would be? I’m doing this job because of the kids I didn’t have much of a choice a couple years ago! Nothing means more to me than my kids but I am seen as the part time parent as I work away from home. I wouldn’t upset the Apple cary for my selfish needs. I go home and stay home and kick DH to the curb would upset the DC way more as their whole routine would be out[/quote]
Op, I do feel sorry for you and the position you find yourself in. One of the parents usually ends up being the main breadwinner and it therefore seems that they end up getting less custody.

At the moment you are two weeks away, two weeks at home, I think? Could you alternate custody like that? I know your husband is going to be resistant to that but he's obviously hurting because no one wants to have their spouse leave.

No one should be implying you don't love your children. That couldn't be inferred from any of your posts. You just have to grit your teeth and get on with what you need to get on with.

@Tearsandtantrums someone can be a terrible partner and still be a good parent.
Or are you saying that a mum with depression and an untidy house who splits with their partner should lose custody of their kids?

I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship with someone lazy, slobbish or who gambles but that doesn’t mean they can’t care for their own children.
A parent who works away 50% of the time would be unreasonable to swoop in and disrupt their children by removing them from the sahp. I doubt a court would agree to it anyway.

You need to get out of the relationship I think - he is trying to control you and I'm OP but you should brace for it getting more extreme.