Husband called my work to tell them I was cheating!

[Honestwoman]

Long story short I hope. I asked my DH for a separation in May asked him to give me time to think and I needed space. He disagrees with this and wouldn’t leave.

I work away from home. DH looks after DC while I am away at work. I come home for a couple of weeks at a time. Over the last year DH gambled I found out and had to take control. There is no trust in our relationship due to this, house is always a mess I would spend my time at home gutting out rooms. He doesn’t tell me some things like council tax wasn’t paid, although he did sort it. I still apparently don’t know about it. This causes me a lot of stress, he did get a job all fine no idea what he spends his money on says he’s not gambling and so far I have seen no evidence of this. However when I was home in May and saw he had not done a thing like leave a big double wardrobe in the living room for5 weeks, house was upside down, asked him to clear out the bike shed so DC £200 bike can be stored in there and not in my living room. I saw red. I just can’t do this anymore so asked for a separation.

After I asked for separation he refused to go and give me time, instead he literally followed me everywhere I went including to a friends garden for coffee. Roll forward a bit and he started going through my phone when I was asleep I caught him at it and he denied it, and my old phone that DC now uses. He came across messages from months ago and accused me of cheating. Yes they were flirty and what not but nothing happened from those messages and nothing since. Yes I know I was wrong and shouldn’t have. He accused me of cheating, I assured him I haven’t. Just yesterday he said he believed me that I haven’t cheated. DH went to see his doctor as he has been struggling with depression and anxiety. I had his mother on the phone telling me I should be at home with DC as he is in a bad way. DH said I must give up work for the sake of the DC. He says I don’t care about him or DC.

My work called me yesterday to say my DH had been on the phone saying I was cheating with my clients son!!! I was mortified! Why would he do that? I don’t understand it. All while this is going on he is acting nice as pie messaging me constantly so I asked him if he has told anyone about these messages and he said no. I told him my work has called me in for a meeting and he says to me just tell them your having issues at home!!! I gave him the opportunity to tell me what he has done and he didn’t take it.

I’m at a loss. A week ago I said I would call off the separation I was thinking if his mental health and thought ok I’ll give it 6 months. This has not been an easy decision for me and it would mean I would be the part time parent and that is breaking me😢 but I cannot live this life I’m not sure how I am going to broach this when I am next home he doesn’t know that I know he contacted my work with these allegations!

I don’t understand what is going on with him, why one minute through messages he’s acting like there is nothing wrong, nothing happening in our lives, surely this is not normal behaviour?

I was going to say to talk with your manager, but I can see that you've done that. I am so glad that she was supportive.

It might also be worth having a chat with them about any measures they might be able to put in place to protect you at work (and your clients). If someone there is able to keep a record of his contacts to them and what he's saying, then that independent record and verification might come in useful further along the line. Particularly if he is making harmful and spurious allegations relating to your clients and colleagues.

You shouldn't have to give up or lose your job because of him, and most decent bosses/companies will want to help you be safe at work.

I am so sorry you are going through this. He doesn't sound nice at all.
Every good wish to you; I really hope that you find happier times ahead. x

You really need to stop being a part time mother and change jobs .you cant leave your child with a depressed man .but then again maybe your child may be happy with there dad who is after all there main carer . What age is your child that makes a big difference

@BillMasen my thoughts exactly

I’m sorry I have no idea how to link/tag somebody and reply to them. Thank you for the link @Sailingthroughtheweek interesting article. The DC are safe he is not a violent man at all more and emotional person.
If I leave I would need to leave DC I don’t want to upset their routine etc and given I work away from home it makes more sense. There is and always has been a lot of support for DH and DC while I am away. Grandparents are always in contact and also helped with childcare when DH was working.
There is another position within my work, I can’t apply until I’m home as I don’t have access to my CV when at work. If I get it then I’ll stay home with DC and Chuck his ass out. However I can’t give up work, as I am doing a diploma through my work, if I leave I’ll have to pay it all back and I wouldn’t be able to afford to do that.
The messages were not to the son but rather another relative.
I don’t know how to deal with him calling my work. How would I say I know?

I recommend this book.

It has been given to police forces to help understand about dangerous relationships and how they develop.

@Honestwoman

Thank you for the replies. He does look after the DC him not sorting things is literally laziness. He starts things and doesn’t follow through he has always been like this. Since I said about the separation my house has been sparkling so it’s not that he isn’t managing. I think he is using the depression against me. I should have stuck to my guns and kept the separation going but the only way that would work is for me to leave altogether although I’m finding that quite hard. I know I’m already a part time parent only being home every couple of weeks but I feel like I’d be abandoning my DC. I spy all the bills, right now I can’t afford to give up my job and he isn’t working as he got fired for his time keeping and kept taking days off work.

My house has been sparkling I pay all the bills

Come on mumsnet! Ask if the op does their fair share around the house. Say all their money should be family money.

OP I think you’re in a position a lot of men find themselves. It’s horrible knowing if you split you’ll see a lot less of your kids (half the time if you’re very very lucky, probably much less)

There’s no way round it.

I think @BillMasen's comment is spot on.

Weeks away? Depression? Flirty texts? You aren't coming up smelling of roses OP...

@BillMasen

Interested to see how this thread evolves.

I’m guessing a male op, having what’s more than likely an emotional affair with the daughter of a work client while working away would get a rougher ride.

Op is also critical of the mess the sahp leaves, and unhappy that their partner as sahp would likely get more time with kids post separation (and no doubt cms)

This post reads very much like a mans situation and is getting a surprising amount of unquestioned support.

Me too.

I have seen loads and loads of posters to call the husbands work and report things like this.

This could be entirely a case of a sahp who was doing their best keeping the family ticking over, made mistakes and didn't do everything the way their spouse wanted. While their spouse went off and enjoyed their career. Sahp, then goes back to work and promptly find inappropriate texts between op and another person.

And most people on here would say the texts are unlikely all of it and there will be more.

How many people tell sahms that they should tell their husbands to stick when they complain about what's not been done or how things have to be done?

It could be the op gas lighting her husband

He phoned her boss, he stalked her.

I don't think leaving a child with a parent while the other is away working, and being sole earner for the family, is the issue.

The issue is the person calling the other person's place of work and trying to cause trouble for them because they want to separate. Regardless of the gender of the parties, no one would support that course of action.

@chickenyhead

He phoned her boss, he stalked her.

That's not stalking. It's not great and not something I would do.

But when women post that their husband is having an affair by someone they met through work, no one ever calls that stalking.

I think it, would more likely be harassment. But I don't think doing it once would count. Especially if what he has truth in it AND it had potential to have an impact on the employer

Depends on ops job.

I honestly don't think you can leave the DC with him. He's mentally ill.
He does look after the DC him not sorting things is literally laziness. He starts things and doesn’t follow through

Leaving a wardrobe in the living room for 5 weeks and not paying council tax is not lazy. It's feckless and weird.

Don't leave your children with him. Make him leave the property and get a nanny or aupair or family or ANYTHING.

MayaSpecialist OP says he followed her to her friends etc. That combined with calling her work IS stalking and harassment.

Either keep going until your diploma is done How much time do you have until you have the qualification. How much money would you have to pay back and is the diploma dependant on you working away or would the other job be sufficient to complete your diploma.
Or do what a friend did. Divorce and hire a couple of live in nannies to take care of the children when you are not there.

The children’s routine is going to be upset what ever you do but that isn’t down to you. The routine isn’t good atm when they are living in a toxic atmosphere

I wouldn’t be leaving my children in his care as calling your work, searching your phone and hounding you sounds like he is becoming more and more unhinged.

But when women post that their husband is having an affair by someone they met through work, no one ever calls that stalking

It is when they follow the person when they go to a friends house for coffee.

I would look around to see if you have any tracking devices in your car/handbag/suitcase etc and make sure he hasn’t installed key logger on your phone.

@FortunesFave

I honestly don't think you can leave the DC with him. He's mentally ill. He does look after the DC him not sorting things is literally laziness. He starts things and doesn’t follow through

Leaving a wardrobe in the living room for 5 weeks and not paying council tax is not lazy. It's feckless and weird.

Don't leave your children with him. Make him leave the property and get a nanny or aupair or family or ANYTHING.

And you’d advise a man working away to make his sahp partner leave their house would you?

Make them leave?

BillMasen If she was gambling, leaving wardrobes in the sitting room, calling his work and not paying the bills then yes of course.

I haven't ever said this on a thread before but I feel concerned for your safety. I think your husband's behaviour is worrying and that you need to get out and very quickly. I wouldn't even want to tell him, I think you need to prioritise your personal safety, and that of your child's. Please look up family harm support services. However tempting it may be to tell him that you've had enough and are leaving, it may not be a good move while he is so unstable. Might be better to just go quickly and quietly, then sort things out later.

How old are your children OP?

@BillMasen

Interested to see how this thread evolves.

I’m guessing a male op, having what’s more than likely an emotional affair with the daughter of a work client while working away would get a rougher ride.

Op is also critical of the mess the sahp leaves, and unhappy that their partner as sahp would likely get more time with kids post separation (and no doubt cms)

This post reads very much like a mans situation and is getting a surprising amount of unquestioned support.

I know right!

@BillMasen yes all I seem to do is clean when I am home and I see to all the children’s needs I get them up and ready for school, Cook bath play homework dog walks together. As for I pay all the bills yes I do. Unfortunately I had to take control of all the bills as he was gambling my entire wage away. This was over a year of me not understanding how we never had money. I earn a good wage and I sent everything to him keeping money for what I needed at work and to pay my phone. That is it the rest went to him. Due to his gambling I had to get advice and landed up having counselling.
And yes I’m in the position a lot of men would find themselves in and it’s a crappy feeling. I have tried to hold it altogether for the sake of my DC even knowing it’s not heathy

Oh don't worry about @BillMasen, that poster is hellbent on making this thread all about them.

What the evidence tells us is that men are way more dangerous to women than women are to men. Your husband's behaviour is alarming. You don't need to justify your concerns to a bunch of strangers on the internet. But please do think seriously about getting far away from him. He is impulsive and erratic and hugely angry, he is dangerous.

But you did cheat though. The messages were cheating...

Yes it does sound on the face of it like a role reversal and usually the man moves out and gets EOW and pays maintenance but can we honestly say this guy is safe around the children.
His MH is deteriorating rapidly and he doesn’t seem able to look after himself let alone children.