To think people go way OTT with buying newborns presents?

[Peaplant20]

I’m pretty sure I’m going to be in the minority here but wondered if I’m not totally alone in this opinion? Had a beautiful newborn baby this year and have been completely overwhelmed with presents, many of which have been sent from people we barely know (friends of parents and grandparents). The thought is absolutely lovely and so sweet, but I find it totally overwhelming. However I feel like I’m so ungrateful! I really would rather people saved their money and just sent a card if we don’t know them, rather than ending up with a wardrobe fit to burst and each outfit is going to be barely worn it feels so wasteful and I really really hate waste. Two things have made it feel more overwhelming to me - 1. Baby came very early so we weren’t prepared ourselves and so when we got home I ended up spending literally 2 weeks sorting presents and washing clothes (and I’d already bought enough basic clothes so we probably didn’t need any at all), 2. I never had a baby shower because of COVID. I know baby showers are controversial on here but now knowing what I would do I would 100% have a baby shower in future because having not had one we have still received the same amount of gifts, but if I’d had a baby shower I’d have been able to sort/wash/put away gifts well before baby arrived rather than trying to do it when settling in after baby was born and feeling totally overwhelmed by it. I know some people might say I could have waited a while to do that but honestly we received an unbelievable amount of stuff so it couldn’t have just sat in the nursery or something as we wouldn’t have been able to get in there! I sort of wish people would ask if there was anything we needed rather than just send gifts as like I said we have ended up with so much stuff it feels really wasteful (and bad for the environment) and I’d rather people didn’t spend their money when we have so much stuff already! Am I just a horrible ungrateful person? Finding it hard to appreciate each new gift now (they’re still coming one month on), when I’ve nowhere to put these things and I’ve never even heard of some of the people who’ve sent them let alone met them. Oh and also lots of friends who’d had babies recently sent us clothes etc so we really didn’t need anything new at all. Anything that’s come recently I’ve just put all in one big bag as I can’t face looking at any more gifts (I’m horrible aren’t I??). I’m tempted to return them and use the money to buy things suitable for when baby is a bit older or give them away to someone who really needs them. I’ll stop rambling now!

Yes I hope so.

@Greenrubber yes I have a rule that if I’m buying toys and they are plastic they have to be second hand. I also try and keep the toys we have in good condition to sell or pass on but that feels like a losing battle sometimes. Children are very destructive

As long as you thank them all for the gift and the kind thought it doesn't matter what you do with them.

They won't go to waste if you give them away, if you exchange those you can from chain stores for a larger size/out fit you like more they're still a gift to x from y.

We had loads of gifts from random friends of my mum who I'll never see, it is kind and a reflection of how much those people care for you relative and in turn you, they won't know you're inundated.

Don't feel guilty, if you're overwhelmed ask a friend/partner to do it for you.

It won’t be wasted if you take what you don’t need or won’t use, to a charity shop. Or offer it on FB etc.

To save dd doing it, I took a lot of outgrown baby clothes of Gdd1 to a charity shop - some still had the labels attached, because there were so many, dd hadn’t got around to using them all.

Subsequently she’s passed things on to friends with babies, though, ditto with older dcs’ things - there is regular passing-around going on.

5 years after I’d bought them Gdd1, , a v nice pair of crawling-stage M&S dungarees came back for her number 3, not much the worse for wear at all.

I find that a lot of threads like this are actually indicative of something deeper be that lack of control over birth circumstances, as a pp mentioned or an overbearing mum/mil taking over, guilt over having too much "stuff".

With many years perspective since those baby days I've realised that my own situation was anger and frustration from my mum spending a fortune on expensive boutique clothes and toys that she couldn't afford and then months later asking for money for paying the bills. I hadn't a problem with the well meaning friends of hers who knitted clothes, which I recognised as a kindness.

I have a problem only with one friend of mums who still buys crap for my nearly teenage kids just because she likes to feel good, she's not seen them since baby days! That'll goes straight to charity as they never like it, she doesn't know them and I can't change her behaviour, I just thank her and move on!

I feel guilty about the planet and the wooden toy "heirlooms" that I feel I should keep coz they cost mum a fortune and she expects them to be kept but they are slowly being weeded out as pp said kids do really prefer the plastic!! I think that stems from my MC guilt that we have so much when others have so little...

@Greenrubber and @RoseAddict great (and helpful) idea about second hand only plastic toys. That way not only are you not purchasing plastic which will end up in landfill, but you’re saving someone else’s plastic toys from ending up in landfill too. Then I’ll be trying to buy new stuff that’s not plastic and asking family to try too - even if it only saves one plastic toy ending up in the ocean that’s better than none!

Yes I have come to appreciate small victories. One toy less in landfill/ incinerator/ ocean is better than not trying to reduce the impact. I think because having children is one of the worst things you can do for the environment maybe people just give up? Being aware of the impact is quite painful. But got to keep trying.

Does all the concern about the environment extend to disposable nappies - which apparently take 150 years to break down in landfill?

Well yes I certainly did use cloth nappies and washable cotton wipes

Also cloth san pro but that’s a conversation for another thread.

@HumbugWhale

If you haven't ready taken the tags off you coud exchange some for larger sizes so they get worn.

Yes I would do this. Or sell them (depending on brand) Or keep to re-gift

I would have thought with a premie you probably would have gotten a lot more use out of gifts than most had your DP washed / sorted the clothes. As for baby showers it’s considered tacky to have one for your second child, or at least it is where I am.

But I do find all the whataboutery unhelpful when discussing environmental concerns. It’s absolutely fine for people who don’t or can’t make perfect eco friendly choices all the time to care about the planet. It doesn’t make us hypocrites and it doesn’t make the efforts we do make useless. Environmental consumerism is a middle class luxury that not everyone can afford

@Ozanj have you had a preemie before? My DP has been bloody amazing and the few hours a day he wasn’t in hospital with me during the week I was there he spent walking our dogs, setting up Moses basket, snuz pod etc, washing the few items of clothes we had that fit (a priority over wash the clothes we received as gifts which were all newborn size or above and far too big), sorting the car seat, running to the shops to get stuff we hadn’t bought yet, and cleaning the house. Once we got home is when I sorted through gifts and again he was busy walking dogs, cooking for us, cleaning and sorting other bits we hadn’t managed to do yet.

If you don’t like second baby showers then don’t go if you’re invited! Lots of people enjoy them like me - I’ve only been to 3 ever and 2 were virtual so I can’t wait to go to all my friends whether that’s for a second baby or first! I really honestly wouldn’t be offended if anyone didn’t want to come to mine. I just think they’re an excuse to have fun and celebrate that’s why I like them, and weddings, hen dos etc I know alot of people dislike them but personally I love them!

@RoseAddict agreed the what aboutery is unhelpful. I don’t use reusable nappies but that doesn’t mean I should completely give up trying to do anything environmentally friendly. I use reusable breast pads though!

I hear you OP, it's a very kind gesture but bloody frustrating!

My nan was the prime candidate for this, every time she went out (which is several times a week) she'd buy "a few bits" for DS. Whilst I appreciated the gesture, he was born prematurely and severely underweight so nothing we were gifted ever matched up size/season wise.

BUT... I found a great way to redeploy her. As she was going anyway, I used to give her bundles from various shops and ask her to exchange it for X item in X size. The one thing we were always in need of were baby grows (nobody gifts these as they aren't as cute as little outfits), so I'd send her off with £30 worth of useless/inappropriate outfits and she'd come back with stuff we needed. She was happy as she felt like she was helping, we were happy as we weren't drowning in useless tat.

@RoseAddict

But I do find all the whataboutery unhelpful when discussing environmental concerns. It’s absolutely fine for people who don’t or can’t make perfect eco friendly choices all the time to care about the planet. It doesn’t make us hypocrites and it doesn’t make the efforts we do make useless. Environmental consumerism is a middle class luxury that not everyone can afford

I agree with you to an extent but it does seem a bit illogical to be concerned about plastic toys which can be recycled through numerous children and then put a couple of years’ worth of nappies in landfill. That’s a hell of a lot of plastic.

@Blossomtoes what you say does make sense but where does it end? It’s like saying, well you won’t buy plastic toys but you’re happy to fly on an aeroplane? Everyone just needs to try their best and trying not to buy as many plastic toys is one way to do it.

[quote Peaplant20]@Blossomtoes what you say does make sense but where does it end? It’s like saying, well you won’t buy plastic toys but you’re happy to fly on an aeroplane? Everyone just needs to try their best and trying not to buy as many plastic toys is one way to do it.[/quote]
Just come clean and say you’re concerned about the environment when it suits you - like most people. Otherwise it’s virtue signalling.

Real commitment is bloody hard work I know someone who is vegan, won’t drive, won’t fly, only uses their central heating for the very coldest days, it’s a miserable existence in my eyes but I do admire their dedication.

It is but its important people who use disposable nappies or like foreign holidays or whatever aren’t automatically disqualified from making any other eco choices! I did cloth nappies but for a while we were between houses and living in a damp flat and using a laundrette and I couldn’t. Lots of people can’t manage cloth nappies on top of everything else

@Blossomtoes oh my goodness why is everyone so rude on here! I’m not virtue signalling at all, yes that’s what I’m saying that I personally find it easier not to buy plastic toys than to buy re-usable nappies so I may as well try and do one of those options! Just because I’m not buying reusable nappies doesn’t mean I should just give up totally. I don’t need to ‘come clean and admit i’m only concerned about the environment when it suits me’ as that’s basically what I’d already conveyed by saying everyone needs to just do what they can? Not really sure why im being attacked for saying I don’t want to buy plastic toys 😂 toys. If you choose to reply to this I won’t be replying to you again as last time I replied I was perfectly civil and trying to have a discussion and you decided to return the favour by telling me I was virtually signalling. I can only assume you feel guilty about not trying to avoid plastic toys yourself as otherwise I’m not sure why you’d be getting so annoyed at me for saying I want to try and do it.

I wasn’t rude to you at all. Nothing I said was remotely offensive, I haven’t attacked you and I’m not annoyed with you. However, I’ve obviously hit a nerve so let’s leave it there.

Just come clean and say you’re concerned about the environment when it suits you - like most people. Otherwise it’s virtue signalling.

It's not really virtue signalling though is it? Even small adjustments will make an impact. It's not a competition. If everyone just does what's within their means then it will make a difference.

Eg, we should all try to use alternative modes of transport, but for some people this isn't possible. Some people can't afford a train season ticket or live too far away from work to cycle or there's no transport system where they live.

There was a thread on MN last week about someone who was using one of the eco shops where you bring your own container for pasta etc. She was struggling as it was working out to be 3 times the cost compared to the supermarket. If you're someone on limited means then you shouldn't have to put yourself under financial stress, just make adjustments elsewhere however you can

@Blossomtoes this is for you

Thank you 😉

I’m definitely one of the imperfect ones! I do what I can and I don’t guilt trip myself too much about the rest. OP I’ve been on mumsnet for 10 years now and it used to be a much more friendly and supportive place. Every thread seems to have intolerant unhelpful goady posts these days