To think people go way OTT with buying newborns presents?

[Peaplant20]

I’m pretty sure I’m going to be in the minority here but wondered if I’m not totally alone in this opinion? Had a beautiful newborn baby this year and have been completely overwhelmed with presents, many of which have been sent from people we barely know (friends of parents and grandparents). The thought is absolutely lovely and so sweet, but I find it totally overwhelming. However I feel like I’m so ungrateful! I really would rather people saved their money and just sent a card if we don’t know them, rather than ending up with a wardrobe fit to burst and each outfit is going to be barely worn it feels so wasteful and I really really hate waste. Two things have made it feel more overwhelming to me - 1. Baby came very early so we weren’t prepared ourselves and so when we got home I ended up spending literally 2 weeks sorting presents and washing clothes (and I’d already bought enough basic clothes so we probably didn’t need any at all), 2. I never had a baby shower because of COVID. I know baby showers are controversial on here but now knowing what I would do I would 100% have a baby shower in future because having not had one we have still received the same amount of gifts, but if I’d had a baby shower I’d have been able to sort/wash/put away gifts well before baby arrived rather than trying to do it when settling in after baby was born and feeling totally overwhelmed by it. I know some people might say I could have waited a while to do that but honestly we received an unbelievable amount of stuff so it couldn’t have just sat in the nursery or something as we wouldn’t have been able to get in there! I sort of wish people would ask if there was anything we needed rather than just send gifts as like I said we have ended up with so much stuff it feels really wasteful (and bad for the environment) and I’d rather people didn’t spend their money when we have so much stuff already! Am I just a horrible ungrateful person? Finding it hard to appreciate each new gift now (they’re still coming one month on), when I’ve nowhere to put these things and I’ve never even heard of some of the people who’ve sent them let alone met them. Oh and also lots of friends who’d had babies recently sent us clothes etc so we really didn’t need anything new at all. Anything that’s come recently I’ve just put all in one big bag as I can’t face looking at any more gifts (I’m horrible aren’t I??). I’m tempted to return them and use the money to buy things suitable for when baby is a bit older or give them away to someone who really needs them. I’ll stop rambling now!

@Quirrelsotherface

You're overthinking it. Give it to charity, a refuge, hospital if you don't like waste. You sound a bit precious. This happened to me too, I was touched that people cared actually. I knew I wasn't the first person on the planet to birth a baby and at the end of the day a new life is happy news.

100% this. Be grateful and move on. Either give it away or exchange it. Two weeks to wash new clothes? Hard to believe.

I voted yanbu because it's an incredibly difficult time so yanbu to feel totally overwhelmed by it all. Hearing 'just dontate/send thank you cards' etc is hard when you don't have any time for those things. People want to show you love and affection and they do it with gifts, but it does feel like a lot to sort out, I get that. Ask you DP to send quick thank you texts to anyone you can't thank in person, then if you can't face sorting it put all the stuff in a bag and leave it for a couple of months.

Hope you're OK OP.

Take them back swap for a bigger size!
I know what you mean with it being wasteful
We kept all our babies stuff because we were planning on having more I'm now pregnant and having another girl and I've told people I don't need anything but some are still saying she will need her own dresses 🤦‍♀️ no she won't there's nothing wrong with the ones we kept for her!
I will be telling people if they want to gift (which I don't think they will be so bad with a 2nd) that they either don't bother or put money into an account for her for when she is older

Is your baby your first? Because presents become less after that. Accept with gratitude and save for the next baby.
Congratulations by the way

The best things I received for my babies were boots gift cards to be honest. That's what I tend to give now too unless it's a very close friend, who's clothing style I am familiar with.

However I do think older people in particular enjoy choosing cute baby things to give as presents, and the intentions are good so I can't get too worked up about it.

I was thinking you were perhaps not that unreasonable until you said in future you'd have a baby shower so you could still be grabby and get all the presents... but only on your terms. Yep. Very unreasonable.

Having a newborn is overwhelming but it’s not normal to feel so upset by gifts. Do you think you maybe have PND or post natal anxiety? I’d have a chat with GP or health visitor about how your mood is.

We were also sent all kinds of outfits, baby toys, accessories when we had a newborn but I rather liked unwrapping things and reading cards. Not opening them or not thanking the sender is very rude.

You say you have enough clothes so why not take your time washing the extra new outfits? What’s the rush? If some gifts are duplicates or not to your taste, re-gift them or donate them to charity.

I made a list of who gave what as I opened things so I could send thank you cards. Relatives you rarely see won’t remember if your newborn wears the outfit or not.

Is this your first?

Asking because with DC1, we received gifts from every Tom, Dick and Harry.

DC2 we received waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less (immediate family and close friends only)

DC3 due imminently and can't imagine receiving anything!

Keep the bits you want and give the rest away to charity. That way it's going to someone who needs it and it's out of your house and your conscience is clear. Just remember to thank everyone.

2 weeks to sort out? Yeah okay.

This is such a non issue. You sound ungrateful.

Thanks for all the empathetic replies, not thanks to the unkind ones, honestly it’s fascinating what people say when they’re anonymous on mumsnet! I’m on a Facebook group for mums aswell and no one ever says anything even remotely unkind because it’s not anonymous. I can’t go through and tag everyone but here are my general replies:

• a lot more people have felt similar to me than I’d thought! Thanks for making me feel like it’s normal. It’s a shame there isn’t more of a convention for asking parents what they’d need or for parents to say you don’t need to get us anything without it sounding rude. It would be much better in terms of waste and I can see quite a lot of you are similar to me and think that would be better for the environment! The amount of plastic packaging that’s gone in the bin and recycling this month is really sad (on a separate note I wish more companies would package their items more sustainably). Great ideas from all the people who’ve said they buy boots cards or food and drink - definitely what I’ll be buying new parents in future, especially if I ask what they need and they say they don’t need anything.
• why’s there always one mumsnetter who says you need to go to the GP? You said it’s not normal to be upset but I haven’t said I feel upset I said I feel overwhelmed and quite clearly from the responses the way I feel is normal. I won’t be going to the GP thank you.
• a few people said about getting so much pink girly stuff. I think you’re right if it’s the first girl in the family people get a bit over it excited.
• to the person who said they don’t believe that it took me 2 weeks to wash clothes. Ok thanks, don’t really need you to believe me.
• definitely expected the ‘grabby’ baby shower comments which a couple of people have said. As I said in my original post, I’d rather they’d have just sent a card and not a present so I’m not sure how that’s grabby. I made it clear the reason I thought baby showers were a good idea is so you could get organised in advance of baby’s arrival, not so I could receive more gifts, so not sure sure how that’s grabby. I wouldn’t have received any more gifts if I’d had a shower, as all my friends and family sent gifts anyway, it would have just been at a different time. Ive also never sent my friends extra gifts because they had W shower - they either get the gift at the shower if they are having one, or when baby arrives if not.
• to those who’ve said it is more with a first baby - good to know! I think if we were lucky enough to have another baby I’d try and make it really clear we have all the clothes etc already like a few of you have said you did.
• to a few people who said I am privileged and should consider myself lucky. Yes I know I am privileged and lucky and I have said that the thought is lovely and sweet, but that’s the point, I don’t need all of these things and would rather people save their money, maybe even donate that money to charity for those less fortunate.
• somehow a debate has come up about thanking people when I never mentioned that. I have personally thanked everyone within a day or two who’s sent a gift and would never not thank anyone for a gift ever. I said I’ve put some recent gifts in a corner of the nursery - I haven’t not unwrapped them!! I’ve opened them all and thanked everyone I just haven’t sorted and put them away yet.

The majority of the comments are nice so thank you to those commenters.

YANBU. With my first we were sent a ridiculous amount of cards and gifts, some from people I barely or don’t even know, it was overwhelming. There were so many thank you cards to do and I got in such a middle that I ended up sending thank you cards to people who had just sent a card 🤣. I have kept all these cards in the baby box and having looked through them in more recent years I couldn’t tell you who half the people were that sent them!

I can't feel bad for your situation really.
I had a baby last year, and my parents and my best friend were the only people to give a gift or a card. The only ones.
When my previous baby was born, my in-laws thrust a Tesco bag at me with a single blue vest in it.
If I were you, I'd appreciate that your baby is surrounded by generous and well meaning friends and family.

I was grateful to know people were thinking of us. I see what you mean but I think there are better things to count as a stress in the newborn period. You must be popular to have enough stuff to need two weeks to sort!!

We got absolutely loads but my mum is super organiser and put them all the wardrobe in size order and we just washed as we went along! We got loads of 6-9 months so had ages to wash them, I loved it! If not for my mum though they'd have been in a big pile for a lot longer!

It's always hard not to come across as ungrateful in this type of situation OP is it is a massively first world problem!

But I remember feeling overwhelmed when we got loads of presents for DC1 from MIL's friends (and even her old boss), people DP and I didn't know and in many cases had never heard of! There was pressure from MIL to write long and effusive thank you letters to strangers, photograph DC wearing the little outfits etc etc. I wasn't really prepared for it and it WAS extra work in the new baby days when I was really struggling with feeding etc. But looking back now, it was lovely that so many people wanted to welcome DC1 to the world.

On the plus side, what we didn't use for DC1 got used when DC2 came along, who got hardly any presents!

@Reallyreallyborednow

I didn’t mind the gifts so much, I hadn’t bought much so needed quite a bit.

The thing that pissed me off was that no one seemed put any thought into it. It was just endless pink shit, most completely inappropriate for a newborn- tights, nike shoes, skirts, dresses, cardigans, all in sugary pink with the “so cute I couldn’t resist” disclaimer.

Fortunately it was mostly mothercare/next etc so my trips out for the first few weeks was to exchange for more useful stuff.

That’s a real shame. The bloke’s first granddaughter was born last year and it was made very clear that pink, frills and sparkle wouldn’t be welcome. It’s been easy for me because it’s not my taste either and I’ve really enjoyed searching for cute little clothes that are acceptable but it’s depressing how much pink there is and how hard you have to look.

Congratulations OP! I had 2 girls very close together, second time I didn't open any presents, bagged them and took to local refuge who were very grateful. It's always better to have too many people thinking about you than none.

Do you know of any local young women's shelters or similar?

Try not to let it overwhelm you it’s not worth it. It sounds like you are washing everything that is gifted and planning to try to use? I wouldn’t do that personally. I would open and thank people as you have done. Then I would:
1 - sort into size orders.
2 - set aside (a) clothes not in right season for their size (b) anything you know you won’t use (not your taste or impractical etc) and (c) any excess amounts choose fee to keep eg if you find you have 60 vests in 0-3 as pp said just choose however many you want and set rest aside
3 - sort all of the items from 2 into shop. Anything you can take to exchange or get store credit for do (or have DH, a friend or your mum so for you). Choose what you need or basics in bigger sizes or keep credit notes for later. Anything that cannot go back give to charity (again hopefully someone can take this for you). Do NOT feel guilty about this. Gifts are given to acknowledge the baby and for the joy of choosing. If you thank the giver then no harm down in not using the gift (obviously don’t tell them)
4 - now you should have only items left you wish to use. Wash the current sizes now. Leave the next sizes up in size order in drawer or box or bag whatever you have space for. Dig these out a few weeks before you think you’ll need them to wash and sort into baby’s cupboard/drawer. You’ll have much more time to wash say 6-9 month old clothing when baby is 5 months old than now.

It is overwhelming but don’t let it spoil your newborn experience. Don’t try to sort and wash it all. Don’t worry about exchanging or not using or charity giving. I got a lot of proper little dresses. Not my style my DD was in comfy sleepsuits for first few months then softer outfits not impractical dresses (others like that’s fine each to their own). I felt no guilt about not using them.

It’s definitely a first baby thing even more so if first baby in family. All the distant relatives, friends of parents abs grandparents are keen to acknowledge new baby in family. Any further babies will get less gifts. I actually felt a little sad with dc2 as had hardly any cards sent compared to the masses for dc1 but that’s normal really.

Non issue!

Traditionally people get given clothes. I always thought this was because a lot of people don't buy many before a baby is born because they are quite superstitious about doing that, also if you don't find out the sex beforehand sometimes that can limit choice. You also don't know what size the baby will come out! I had friends who bought stacks of newborn size only to have 9lb babies who went straight into 0-3, whereas DD was prem and under 4lb so was in tiny sizes for ages. I didnt buy much, so really appreciated the gifts. I didnt bother washing any of it before it was worn.

Rarely do newborns need a gift.

The mother however...

I always take gifts for the mum - snacks, books, nice creams/oils/candles, cosy socks or a nice warm shawl for night feeds. Not flowers as they’re just a hassle to sort out.

Babies don’t bloody know what’s what! Why do they need a gift!

Why do they need a gift!

Because it’s a way of saying welcome to the world and celebrating new life. It’s also a reason for sad old biddies like me to buy something tiny and cute.

I totally get you OP. After having my baby last year, I already felt knackered and overwhelmed. Seeing work that needed doing i.e. sorting and storing clothes gifted did feel overwhelming although I appreciate that not everyone would feel like that. (I did suffer from anxiety so having to do extra really felt difficult).
It is lovely that so many people care enough to send gifts.
You’ve been given great tips about organising it so I hope you can move forward positively.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland I love the name! 🤣
I also agree! My daughter was 5lb and very grateful for the second had tiny baby clothes. Also didn't know the sex of the baby and just bought a few basics! So grateful for all the gifts and if I got a few outfits the same size I exchanged them for bigger sizes

I barely got any gifts or cards so can’t help feeling not particularly sorry for you.