What nonsense do you have to do/fake enthusiasm for in your job?

[Whatapalavaa]

I'll go first. Performance manage based on utter nonsense criteria that I don't really care about but have to pretend to be oh so serious about. Pretend to care about our mission statement and our organisational culture. Yawn. I sit in meetings wondering if anyone else is seriously buying this crap or rather putting on a good act like me. Anyone else?

Well this thread has reminded me of the many reasons I went self employed

Organisational culture? Whatever I say it is. It's a dog friendly organisation because I like dogs.
KPIs? Make enough money to pay the bills, preferably with some spare.
Change management? If it ain't working, fix it, the sooner the better.
Appraisals? Nahhhhh

On the flipside I do still have to pretend to like other people's sticky fingered small children (not officially part of the job, but they seem unavoidable nowadays), care about the minutiae of some incredibly boring legislation and acquire a seemingly never ending set of new skills because no other fucker is there to do them (this week - calligraphy, classic car repairs, product photography and molecular gastronomy - I am not kidding).

Bullshit new manager announced "team building day" somewhere out in the hills orienteering or some such. Sue (not her real name) does not mind normal awaydays but does not want to go outward bound. Fakes an accident slipping in the washroom where floor is wet with no warning signs. Goes to A&E (or says she does) takes a few days off to "rest" badly sprained ankle. Misses said weekend with considerable regret (not)

Cleaner gets big bollocking for leaving floor wet with no warning signs. Narrowly escapes getting the sack.

A colleague injures themselves (genuinely) during team building exercise and DH is now threatening legal action against company.

Bullshit manager gets bollocking from company high ups for not putting the correct insurance in place for team building day and forbidden to organize any more such

Workforce so upset there will be no more outward bound team building days.

@NiceCardigan

In my previous job there was a lot of guff about bringing your whole self to work. I'd rather keep some of my self private thank you.

Wondering if you work where I do as we have that phrase 'bring your wholeself to work' yet really you have to be anyone but you as you have to be a performing puppet.

Does anyone on this here actually enjoy the corporate bullshit because I don't. I want to do my job well and be left alone, the rest bullshit makes me not care though.

Imagine how much money companies would save and how productive would be minus this shit. Who is paid to make this crap up? Corporate wankers!

PLEASE give retail staff your email (even give a fake one and ask for a paper copy too - it really really helps us out!) I feel like for minimum wage, they expect too much. This is obviously only one issue

Oh the fun I could have with this.

Redhotarse@protonmail, knickersgalore@gmail, notoleranceforshit@hotmail.

Meetings that could be emails! Meetings I’ve invited to that I have to go to apparently but add no value and could be doing my work instead, people who put meetings in over my lunch, days where I look at my calendar, feel happy I have no meetings so plan my day and then someone puts a last minute 3 hour meeting in half hour before it’s to go ahead and honestly I could cry. Just bloody meetings tbh! 😄

I hated all the navel gazing, inward looking angst about values/appraisals etc. I realised that senior management clearly had too much thinking time on their hands. When I got to senior management, I didn’t last long and found a new job.

My job now - it’s ok. I suppose. But there’s an element of “too nice” about it. People are coasting, it’s all a bit too lawless for me. People are promoted for being organised - but not actually good at their job.

[quote SummerHouse]From the "not another mug" teacher gift thread I have literally just ordered this mug. You guys will love it. I actually sprained something in my stomach laughing at it.

worrylines.bigcartel.com/product/regards-mug[/quote]
My latest would be if I see another:

'How do you wish to proceed'

I wish to proceed with fuck off.

Nothing at the moment as I'm relatively new to the company and have a lot of respect for what they do and how they have coped over the last year (medical provider).

Ask me again in a year though 😂

I work with the public...and have to pretend to be enthusiastic when they come in to use our services....in reality i couldn't give a shit...in fact i d rather they go elsewhere as its less work for me.

Thankfully I don't have to deal with it anymore, but...

Sucking up as fake assed as I could muster, when dealing with inexperienced buyers who didn't get that the company I worked for needed to make a profit, not a loss, so no you can't have the kitchen sink on this item & having to manipulate them into your way of thinking & accepting what was actually possible at this price point, whilst making them think it was their idea

Apparently I was good at this so I was often lumbered in difficult meetings, but I bloody hated it as I'm naturally a very direct person

One of the many reasons I left HR.

Working through yet another after school recruitment drive for parents and children in Year 5 and 6 to get them to sign up to our secondary school Year 7.

I hate it. First of all I am shattered. It's an additional three hours work in my own time after a long day of teaching.

Secondly - we are told to pull out all the stops and make it exciting. For the kids that means lots of craft. For the parents it means show them lots of use of IT and lots of free food. We don't have any budget so all of the craft stuff, the sweets, the nibbles - which are all hoovered up without a word of thanks come out of my own pocket. We are a lowly subject with no ICT tech of our own so I have to spend lots of time begging, borrowing and stealing tech from other places in school to pretend that we do.

Thirdly. Parents who tell me they hated my subject in school. Gee thanks. Then get the hell out of my classroom. I don't care and neither do you want to listen to me explaining patiently and with a lovely smile how much the subject has changed since 1990. I didn't teach you. It's not me fault. And yes, you are being bloody rude announcing to a room full of other parents and kids that my subject is a load of crap. Honestly, why wouldn't I be excited to have your kid in my class next year.

Fourthly. Its an event for year 5 and 6. Don't come in with your 7 and 8 year old just to grab and the free food and treat it as a craft session and messy play for your kids.

Fifthly. Why are you bothering? There is only one other school even remotely close to this one. That one has a terrible reputation and the worst exam results in the county. No one who has the choice will be opting for that one. We know and you know that your kid will becoming here. Your kid will have other taster days when they can experience a more realistic view of the school. They will be very disappointed to find out that we don't ever again have free sweets/ craft/ It in all rooms.

@GoodVibesHere

Team meetings, several times a week, to 'catch up' on who's doing what, how our workloads are looking, what issues we might be facing. These were set up partly for 'wellbeing' purposes to make sure nobody feels isolated.

Jeez, if we just get on and DO our work rather than giving each other constant updates and a run-down of our plans, we'd get much more done. Sometimes I've barely had time to get my teeth into any tasks since the last team meeting, they come round so quickly. Let me get on with the damn tasks!

I think you may work with me. I've seen some colleagues more often than I would in the office. Just leave me alone to get on with it!

Everything seems to need a meeting now. Before covid people would just pick up the phone or pop into someone's office. Now everything needs a formal, minuted meeting. Scheduling is a nightmare.

I know some of corporate life is boring, but really, these posts mostly seem like whining from fairly well paid corporate workers, it's not exactly the coal mines.

No it's not the coal mines. What a brilliant point.

I do try to care about our values, at least a bit, and get impatient with people in decent jobs complaining about performance reviews and the like. It's well intended or at least not ill intended, and if you don't care, then there are plenty more who'd happily take your space.
It isn't well intended at all.
I might be able to care a bit more about "our values" if I had any clue where to find a list of them written in English. But really, most these corporate "values" could be summed up as "don't be a dick" which is ironic because the people who seem to be most "aligned" with the lovely values are often cheating, backstabbing bastards.

Having to update on my work by referring everything to our latest set of bullshit principles/values (can't remember what we're calling them) this month) when I basically work to a quarterly cycle plus dealing with random shit vaguely connected to said quarterly cycle.

Having to talk about 'Our Why' (because mission/vision statements were not wanky enough?) because we apparently don't want people who are only here to pay their bills. Pretty sure everyone in the room, including the head of department expounding this like a crazed cult leader, was there to pay their bills.

Getting asked 'where do you see yourself in 5 years? '. Just depressing if it's still listening to this shit. On the other hand I don't want to go for a higher role because I'd have to be even more on board with the bullshit and I probably wouldn't be able to control the eye rolling and sighing.

I previously worked in a very large business where corporate bullshit buzzword fakery was apparently very highly regarded. Every few months there would be a Big Announcement, that basically told everyone the Old Way of Thinking was totally wrong (and general consensus was expected to be that this was and had always been obvious) and the company had invented a Totally New and Innovative way of thinking that we were all supposed to get really excited about. Despite it being the same as the Old Way but with a different buzzword and a new font. Some examples:

• New company branding/standard fonts etc for reports, apparently the old one was very clearly not in line with company 'message'. Big launch, lots of meetings, expectation of excitement. 12 months later, repeat (ad infinitum)
• Big announcement about push to make the company World Number 1 within 12 months. All performance objectives to focus on making this happen. Meetings/events etc focus on comparing company to others looking at number of widgets sold. Agreement that any other measure is ridiculous and anyone who argues for another measure is not clever enough to understand the truth. 12 months later, Celebration, we are now world number 1 based on number of customers. This is definitely not a change of comparison method because obviously sale of widgets is just short hand (to help less intelligent people) for number of customers. Anyone who has to ask for clarification/explanation clearly does not understand the industry.
• Lots of press releases/focus groups etc around inclusivity and being 'family friendly'. New policies on maternity/paternity leave, part time working etc launched. Training sessions for all. 'Case studies' of staff working flexibly etc published. Reality= employees on maternity leave frequently 'asked' to return early (with promises that it will look good for promotions etc and a heavy hint that refusal will look bad), being expected to move departments etc on return, requests for part time working being allowed only if the member of staff agreed to come in on days off if requested the previous evening, no part time/reduced hours/WFH for any admin staff etc etc.

@DeathByWalkies

Well this thread has reminded me of the many reasons I went self employed

Organisational culture? Whatever I say it is. It's a dog friendly organisation because I like dogs.
KPIs? Make enough money to pay the bills, preferably with some spare.
Change management? If it ain't working, fix it, the sooner the better.
Appraisals? Nahhhhh

On the flipside I do still have to pretend to like other people's sticky fingered small children (not officially part of the job, but they seem unavoidable nowadays), care about the minutiae of some incredibly boring legislation and acquire a seemingly never ending set of new skills because no other fucker is there to do them (this week - calligraphy, classic car repairs, product photography and molecular gastronomy - I am not kidding).

I loved being self employed - unfortunately covid and IR35 destroyed my micro business.

@littletinyboxes

I previously worked in a very large business where corporate bullshit buzzword fakery was apparently very highly regarded. Every few months there would be a Big Announcement, that basically told everyone the Old Way of Thinking was totally wrong (and general consensus was expected to be that this was and had always been obvious) and the company had invented a Totally New and Innovative way of thinking that we were all supposed to get really excited about. Despite it being the same as the Old Way but with a different buzzword and a new font. Some examples:

• New company branding/standard fonts etc for reports, apparently the old one was very clearly not in line with company 'message'. Big launch, lots of meetings, expectation of excitement. 12 months later, repeat (ad infinitum)
• Big announcement about push to make the company World Number 1 within 12 months. All performance objectives to focus on making this happen. Meetings/events etc focus on comparing company to others looking at number of widgets sold. Agreement that any other measure is ridiculous and anyone who argues for another measure is not clever enough to understand the truth. 12 months later, Celebration, we are now world number 1 based on number of customers. This is definitely not a change of comparison method because obviously sale of widgets is just short hand (to help less intelligent people) for number of customers. Anyone who has to ask for clarification/explanation clearly does not understand the industry.
• Lots of press releases/focus groups etc around inclusivity and being 'family friendly'. New policies on maternity/paternity leave, part time working etc launched. Training sessions for all. 'Case studies' of staff working flexibly etc published. Reality= employees on maternity leave frequently 'asked' to return early (with promises that it will look good for promotions etc and a heavy hint that refusal will look bad), being expected to move departments etc on return, requests for part time working being allowed only if the member of staff agreed to come in on days off if requested the previous evening, no part time/reduced hours/WFH for any admin staff etc etc.

I loved being self employed - unfortunately covid and IR35 destroyed my micro business.

You have my sympathies, in spades. Mine came very close to collapsing due to covid - I lost every bit of scheduled work when first lockdown hit, and was deemed ineligible for SEISS, furlough and UC #ExcludedUK so I don't underestimate how hard this must have been for you

I'm fortunate that I work in the civil service, and genuinely believe in what my organisation does. However, I hate having to pander to senior management - e.g. when the director suggests edits in a briefing to Ministers that make it not true, or exaggerate what we've done. I always push back, but I feel I have to handle the situation with kid gloves, because it's very much not in the culture to challenge senior management.

@DynamoKev

I know some of corporate life is boring, but really, these posts mostly seem like whining from fairly well paid corporate workers, it's not exactly the coal mines.

No it's not the coal mines. What a brilliant point.

I do try to care about our values, at least a bit, and get impatient with people in decent jobs complaining about performance reviews and the like. It's well intended or at least not ill intended, and if you don't care, then there are plenty more who'd happily take your space.
It isn't well intended at all.
I might be able to care a bit more about "our values" if I had any clue where to find a list of them written in English. But really, most these corporate "values" could be summed up as "don't be a dick" which is ironic because the people who seem to be most "aligned" with the lovely values are often cheating, backstabbing bastards.

Quite. One of the core values stated by my previous employer was Integrity. The director who was most vocal about promoting the Values (in industry press, and within the company) cheated on his wife with his secretary. Secretary became pregnant and was strongly 'encouraged' to leave after 'starting rumours' that he was the father. A couple of years later he acknowledged the child as his but never apologised for calling her a liar and making her leave her job. He has had numerous affairs with younger members of staff, including an young intern. So yes, the poster boy for Integrity.

@rockingthelook

Doing mandatory appraisals with people who don't give a shit and surprise surprise neither do I , not interested in prising out what people think about their job, what they can bring to the role etc etc. they just turn up for the money and let's not pretend otherwise eh?

Exactly. I was on the other side of this and it was such a useless exercise. I was never going to get a pay rise due to being top of pay scale snd that’s all I cared about. My job was my job -sadly nowhere to progress - so I left.

Four years ago my useless manager somehow omitted me off the list of people to whom he had to give an annual appraisal. As there were no targets to review the following year, he forgot again, and so it has gone on.

In all that time, he, my HoD, my director or HR have not noticed, despite all the wankiness spouted about how important the appraisal process is.

I need to cultivate more of a poker face to deal with this kind of thing. I could sit in meetings nodding benignly rather than face twisted with rage and scorn.

It's the expectation of Embracing Change that gets to me. Change from a four department structure to nine, then back down to five. Make the administrators into a common pool instead of attached to specific areas, then realise that that doesn't work and change it back. Change the logo. Change the mission statement. Get rid of roles because senior management didn't fully understand what they did and continue to fail to realize the fallout.

But are you allowed to object to any of it? No, you are expected to Embrace Change and be fully delighted by every novelty, like a child with a stocking full of presents.

@DeathByWalkies

I loved being self employed - unfortunately covid and IR35 destroyed my micro business.

You have my sympathies, in spades. Mine came very close to collapsing due to covid - I lost every bit of scheduled work when first lockdown hit, and was deemed ineligible for SEISS, furlough and UC #ExcludedUK so I don't underestimate how hard this must have been for you

I have been very very lucky in getting a regular job but it did make a huge hole in our finances of course. I fully realise I am much better off than many, but I don't subscribe to the daft whataboutery that suggests because I am well paid I cannot complain about utterly daft shit.