What nonsense do you have to do/fake enthusiasm for in your job?

[Whatapalavaa]

I'll go first. Performance manage based on utter nonsense criteria that I don't really care about but have to pretend to be oh so serious about. Pretend to care about our mission statement and our organisational culture. Yawn. I sit in meetings wondering if anyone else is seriously buying this crap or rather putting on a good act like me. Anyone else?

I used to work in a very fast paced, front line emergency services job. I was making life and death decisions.

I now work in a back office job and I have to admit I like the slow pace. But I do side eye, eye roll and huff at all of the people in my current job who say it's stressful and high pressure. Sure it is logging off at 4pm everyday Barbara. Someone actually said answering the phone and making phone calls was stressful. . I actually had to say 'It's not quite talking someone down off a bridge, is it?'

Sitting through zoom meetings listening to facts and figures that mean nothing to me. Heading how we are on 90% which is fantastic given the stress we are under. How another area are in 70% and another area only in 50% the same of it. Who cares? Certainly not me.

@Whatapalavaa

I'll go first. Performance manage based on utter nonsense criteria that I don't really care about but have to pretend to be oh so serious about. Pretend to care about our mission statement and our organisational culture. Yawn. I sit in meetings wondering if anyone else is seriously buying this crap or rather putting on a good act like me. Anyone else?

No. I believed in my organisation and its mission statement when I worked there, had realistic yet challenging performance targets and on the whole meetings had a purpose. I was very fortunate.

Mwahaha, I've barked out a few laughs at these posts - thank God it's not just me.

Pretending to be "aligned with our values" when I don't understand whatever the fuck they're supposed to mean. Smiling winningly at customers over Teams meetings and promising the world, when in reality a) I don't give a toss and b) we haven't got a fraction of the resources we need to deliver the services they're paying for, and the prices are about to go through the roof.

All I think about is making it to 5.30pm when I can switch it off and settle down with DH and the dog in front of Netflix.

My colleagues are either a) reaching out, or b) pushing back.

I am introducing c) the hokey cokey.

We also have a monthly Teams meetings when up to 40 people can attend. This gives me the opportunity to turn off my camera and mute the mic to stop my smile becoming set in stone. I can then watch something more exciting - paint drying for example - on YouTube. The team members drone on about how wonderful they are and what a difference they make blah blah blah. I'm never asked to contribute and I have no idea why we do it. The only positive I can see is that I'm not spending hours travelling to this meeting as we are WFH. I suppose the managers further up the food chain are seen to be engaging with the workforce and so it looks like we are being consulted on new initiatives etc etc.

As pp have said, sometimes have no idea why we do what we do. It's all a bit Emperor's new clothes. No one wants to be the first to say this is all bullshit just in case it stops the gravy train.

I have to listen to team values, mission statement, shared goals bollocks too and it makes me want to climb into a deep hole. Also very serious discussions about 'psychological safety', where we're supposed to pretend we all feel just fine to spill our guts to the whole team about whatever is getting on our tits that particular week

It's really nice to hear that other people spend time in meetings menu planning or day dreaming just to stay sane 😊 and I'm lucky - I actually LIKE most things about my job!

Bahahaha! OP, I think you and @DynamoKev work for the same business , one that I worked for for most of last year. What a load of wanky bollox the culture was

Oh we do lots of reaching out.

Quite a bit of touching base, too.

@SummerHouse lol

Every time I have a new director I have to fake enthusiasm for whatever New Broom nonsense they are planning - usually just introducing the system they had in their previous organisation and are therefore more comfortable with, but we must pretend is fresh and progressive.

Even if we are looking at a painful cycle of change that literally brings us back to where we were 2 directors ago, I just bite my tongue and put my brain in neutral.

Oh yes - don't get me started on our 9am daily "catch-ups". Nothing has happen in the last 24 hours that will warrant another meeting. Unless you want me to tell you I had toast instead of porridge for breakfast.

Can you tell I'm heading towards a week off so that I can reset my patience and tolerance meter? 🤯

I often have to pretend to not care when the senior directors end up arguing like children on video calls.

I don't care about the subject. But the arguments are quite funny. And I have to pretend it's not entertaining.

I love my work, but the waffle that surrounds it makes me glaze over. We don't talk to other people, we link in with them 🙄 Talking is not dynamic enough, maybe, I don't really know.

And yes, we have to keep the ethos of the organisation in mind and ensure we promote the ethos to our colleagues . This seems to mean not complaining about anything and blaming ourselves for anything that goes wrong, although these things usually happen because we are mightily under resourced.

Glad I made you smile @baroqueandblue as inside I'm crying

@maya that's hilarious!!

@SummerHouse that sounds way more fun!

@panama you're so right. I just tow the line because I don't have the energy or capacity to care. 'Bringing in new ideas', finding a project and 'developing yourself'. I'd rather rub salt in my eyes. Just pay me and leave me alone.

• pretending to be enthusiastic for pitches I know we have naff all chance of winning

• pretending not to be offended that someone who needs my service doesn't know who the fuck I am despite me presenting to their team twice in the last month

• being polite to people when I'm asking them to do something basic for the 5th time...

Our team has weekly catch ups where we all have to announce our key achievements of the previous week.
Can rarely be arsed to think of a work related one; I think I'm the only person that announces stuff like "I had a great weekend"

Pointless KPIs.

“Why haven’t you hit XYZ target?”

Hmm, maybe because it’s meaningless and arbitrary and you still pay me anyway?

From the "not another mug" teacher gift thread I have literally just ordered this mug. You guys will love it. I actually sprained something in my stomach laughing at it.

worrylines.bigcartel.com/product/regards-mug

Pretending to be nice to some utter scumbags.
Sometimes I just stop pretending though, after explaining to a 30-something manchild that he's never getting his e-scooter back because you know, it's fucking illegal to ride it on the pavement and mow down old people and children, for the millionth time. Then they ask to speak to someone else because my attitude stinks. So I get one of the grouchy old officers from the back (who're counting down the minutes to retirement). Then they find out how nice I actually am in comparison

I am very supportive to real victims though.

I'm not all hard, bad and evil. Which is what I am apparently to the bloke I refused to release his car to after it was seized due to no insurance and an invalid license, and drink driving. Sigh.

In my previous job there was a lot of guff about bringing your whole self to work. I'd rather keep some of my self private thank you.

I start a new job at director level in 2 months, so am taking notes / tips!

I was on an interview panel recently and one of the questions was about our core values and how did the interviewee align themselves with these values etc. I had no idea we had core values.
They turned out to be a waffley load of shit - caring, respect and so on - which probably cost thousands of pounds for some consultants to come up with.