What nonsense do you have to do/fake enthusiasm for in your job?

[Whatapalavaa]

I'll go first. Performance manage based on utter nonsense criteria that I don't really care about but have to pretend to be oh so serious about. Pretend to care about our mission statement and our organisational culture. Yawn. I sit in meetings wondering if anyone else is seriously buying this crap or rather putting on a good act like me. Anyone else?

Wellbeing ... there are even little videos every day this week to watch. Telling us how they understand that wfh during lockdown has been super hard because they can't switch off and have been working more hours than usual. (In their £3m London pad - bit different to poor old Jeff who's been stuck in his flatshare bedroom for 18 months without seeing anyone.) Still, they've got some 'Wellbeing Champions' who can signpost us to a mindfullness app so Jeff will be fine, probably.

I have a team meeting at 10.30 where I'll have to tell my Head of Department what I've been doing this week. My line manager has already had 4 calls with him this week discussing the projects we're working on, there's really nothing else to say, but I'll churn out some bollocks about 'strategic review of the holistic process' and 'engaging accountable stakeholders', just like I did last week.

@crayray it likely will - the mantra is modelled on and very specific to a certain breed of animal - think ‘pack of wolves’ but not actually that. I’m laughing just thinking about it.

Disclaimer: I do not work with animals but everyone behaves like primates so I might as well!

In my last office job there were far too many meetings and if you were unlucky enough to have a particular team leader there were even meetings about meetings, you know exactly what I mean.

I refused to fake enthusiasm about career progression in half yearly assessments - I didn't want to climb the greasy pole of ambition. I was quite happy to plod along the foothills - some of us have to and as long as you remain efficient, co-operative and all the rest of it, that's all that matters but I had to repeat myself every time which was rather tiresome. So glad to be out of that world now.

Sucking up to my narcissistic boss (company director so no one higher up to report to). I handed in my notice yesterday and stopped playing to his ego to maintain a nice work environment. Less than a day and he's already become nasty. All I've done is not act like he's a genius or a comedian every time he opens his mouth, or called him on the inappropriate things he says to the young women in the office (luckily I'm older and fat so have been exempt from them myself). Horrible toxic man.

Agile

This thread should go into Classics - some stellar contributions.

Oh god, the Mindfulness apps...

Does anyone actually use them?

Dh's workplace has signed up to one none of his team including him have downloaded, let alone used the fucker.

@nearly47
no... private sector, not even health related!

I actually once got rejected from quite a senior NHS job the night before I was due to give a massive presentation to the board all because of a minefield of an interview with two bootfaced HR types the day before. Full of “tell us about a time when you saved a CEO from a burning building in an inclusive way”. I was told failed to give evidence that I “lived NHS values”...

I was v annoyed for about an hour because I was actually really looking forward to giving the presentation to the board but then realised I’d dodged a massive bullet.

NC because wrath of hell will descend on me but we have “Well-being Wednesdays” at our place which the male Diversity & Wellbeing Manager presumably thinks will lull women into forgetting that they are paid about 30% less than men because they now have access to “resources” ir links to tips like “after you’ve done home schooling, cooking, cleaning, laundry and a full time job, make time for yourself by going to a yoga class”.

The endless talk of behaviours, values, mission statements. Someone above mentioned ‘word soup’ and that’s so true.

Listening to my enthusiastic and energetic colleagues devise a mission statement that describes us as being “a central node in a nexus” and having to bite my tongue.

Using a wanky word when a normal one will do. So telling someone about something becomes ‘signposting’.

Agree… the ones sprouting the Nonsense have me awe… they actually believe what they say… I struggle NOT to roll my eyes… and vomit…I like my job. I like the company —- the fluff makes me want to gag…. It’s transactional! I want to the job and go home…

I've literally just started a management course through work that will enable me to become an effective leader!

I'm eye rolling already at the management speak it appears I'm going to have to parrot.

I just want to be a descent manager to the team I work in and earn more money, not set SMART goals and devise GANT charts for managing my workload.
It's absolute bollocks!

*decent not descent although it feels like I'm descending into bollocks speak 😂

@carnaval

Agile

Oh God yes - f**king Agile. Everything has to be Agile. I must hear that mantra 600 times a day. So fed up of it - 'tis bollocks.

Seriously does anyone know what agile actually means (without googling it)

We had to 'cascade the vision' in my last office based job. Many were the meetings at which the Chief Exec brought in allegedly motivational speakers who were going to enthuse and excite us in this task too. They'd lead us in these ridiculous ice breaking exercises (completely pointless given that everyone knew everyone) before having to listen to hours of vision guff. We sat back, unexcitedly. Other than to take turns in pointing out that we'd do a far better job of cascading this vision if it included some really basic stuff that would actually make staff feel valued. Shocking waste of time.

When I KNOW a client doesn't want to engage in a programme and they're forced to do it buy the "systems" that think they know better but they actually don't; they just want to tick a box.

Name changed as this is is outing if anyone I work with is on here.

I have literally just received an e-mail from our HoD proposing that staff are randomly divided into Houses (yes, a la Hogwarts). This will involve partaking in competitions and activities to support wellbeing.

Participation is apparently voluntary. Hmm!

@cricketmum84

Seriously does anyone know what agile actually means (without googling it)

Agile means being able to respond quickly/efficiently to things, which means every has to have capacity to "horizon scan" and "anticipate upcoming challenges". Senior Management never seem to see how this conflicts with what they call "efficient working" (reducing the number of people working on something so everyone has to do over their hours just to get shit done)...

All this is hilarious and better than any well being tripe as see others feel the same.
For me it's teaching..constantly getting posters for staff room saying..we care about you..wellbeing stuff ..complete rubbish. Then bombarded with extra paper work daily..it never stops.
All l want to do is teach which l love but all that demanding stuff with all those names that mean sweet feck all and improve no child is soul destroying. Don't get me started!!
The stories here are balm to my soul!!

Invited to a meeting entitled “Twilight Cascade” at 6pm. Apparently it’s a casual jolly “let’s pretend we are in a pub” meeting held after work to discuss new policies carved on the latest stone tablet. I’m logging off at 4. Email me the bullet points. Or not.

@cricketmum84

Seriously does anyone know what agile actually means (without googling it)

This is another one of these words that is so overused as to be meaningless. I do know a lot about agile as a way of developing software - but now the term has been hijacked and is used to make everyone miserable. TL:DR It means whatever the senior git who has just read it thinks it means.

We had an online 'postbox' which got published every week where you were supposed to send any concerns you had about processes etc at work, or feedback on any initiatives going. It was all anonymous. Unsurprisingly it quickly filled with a lot of concerns, some negative feedback and was generally a bit of a ranting facility.
I mean who didn't see that coming so after about a month, area managers were going around to team managers essentially forcing us to submit positive comments and feedback to "readdress the balance" and stop it becoming a ln outlet to moaning. "I don't care if it's true, I just want it to be positive" was area manager's comment.

It only lasted about 3 months in total before they scrapped the idea.

Email me the bullet points. Or not.

😂😂😂

'Agile' does have a specific meaning in the digital world as a way of working - lots of sprints etc.

It's actually quite good.

Agile in any other context is just a way of saying 'hot desking' without eliciting rage or as an alternative to 'we don't know what we're doing'.