What nonsense do you have to do/fake enthusiasm for in your job?

[Whatapalavaa]

I'll go first. Performance manage based on utter nonsense criteria that I don't really care about but have to pretend to be oh so serious about. Pretend to care about our mission statement and our organisational culture. Yawn. I sit in meetings wondering if anyone else is seriously buying this crap or rather putting on a good act like me. Anyone else?

My work bangs on about wellness and taking walks and remembering to breath whilst also handing out awards and praise to the people who have literally covered two roles or worked vast amounts of over time....which fucking one is it?!?! Why aren't we giving awards to the people who said no to extra work and took actual annual leave, eh?

Enthusiastically sell the fact to the team that the fact they have to log every single thing they do into a system that evidences productivity, accuracy and exactly how long they are at their desk every day really is for their benefit and isn't Big Brother at all

Or at least I did until the computer churned out reports showing my entire team including me, were doing a role that our India office could do at a quarter of the cost and with a higher productivity ratio so made us all redundant

Maybe I should have told them the truth

Pretend I'm interested when 5 year olds all want to tell me the fascinating story of how they grazed their knee lol.

Oh and bloody resilience training. I declined an invitation to a resilience workshop and when asked in front of 20 other people on zoom why, I happily told them that I had moved jobs, had two family members pass away, move house twice and had a major health scare all with the backdrop of a pandemic and I was still standing and managing to smile so I believe I am as resilient as they get. They were not expecting me to be so honest...funny that given honesty is one of our much loved 'values'.

Team building days via zoom Ackward to say the least

Shelf stacker in a supermarket when Walmart took over. The weekly chant we had to enthusiastically shout out at the checkout huddle despite the introduction of 24 hour opening and in front of several bemused customers:

Give me an A (A)
Give me an S (S)
Give me a D (D)
Give me an A (A)

What have you got? (asda)

Who's number one? (The Customer)

Followed by the pocket tap 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Nothing, I run my own business, do exactly what I like and the stuff I hate (social media mostly) I contract out.

@haggis973

Shelf stacker in a supermarket when Walmart took over. The weekly chant we had to enthusiastically shout out at the checkout huddle despite the introduction of 24 hour opening and in front of several bemused customers:

Give me an A (A)
Give me an S (S)
Give me a D (D)
Give me an A (A)

What have you got? (asda)

Who's number one? (The Customer)

Followed by the pocket tap 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I actually can't put into words how much I am cringing reading this 😳

Pretending to be nice to customers who want to smack your face in over 40p, who then say 'I want to speak to a manager' and that manager grovels an apology right in front of you and undermines you in every way.

Omg almost everything. An endless stream of strategies and initiatives designed to improve the company that either make no difference or make things worse and aren’t relevant to my deliverables and therefore just a waste of time. Am totally jaded

Most industry related conferences. Everyone else harps on about how much they've learnt and how valuable it was blah, blah, blah and I'm thinking I haven't learnt anything I didn't already know. Complete waste of time.

My stupid fucking appraisal and performance reports which no-one but myself & my line manager see, we both know they’re a complete waste of time & the fact that I have to fake talk about career development in a role that offers no scope for development is just painful - for both of us.

Add to that the “necessity” to complete a performance conversation once every three months. Why? Just why? Nothing changes that drastically or frequently & the forms are so little by and wanky as well - reflect on your learning examples, how do you envision delivering in the scope & context of your role, operational reflection blah blah blah blah. And No.One.Cares.

I could draw a picture of a cock on there & I think it would make more sense than those fucking forms

Our quarterly check ins which are supposed to be about career aspirations and mental health. There are zero promotion opportunities (any senior ones go to outside candidates) so it's pointless. No one ever leaves. Mental health is fine but it's too skewed that way now instead on what people are actually contributing / doing / producing.

@EarthSight

There were painfully funny moments. It was the point that 'where is my mind' by the Pixies was my permanent ear worm / internal monologue that I realised I needed to get out!

For the record the fag company was all about 'evolving little moments of pleasure for consumers'. In a rare moment of unguarded honesty though the head of brands once said 'it's just as well our products are addictive 'cos our marketing sucks'. I refused to work on tobacco after that one.

I'm not allowed to really REALLY speak my mind as if I did, I'd get sacked.

There's a lot of pussyfooting around which takes five times as long as one direct and very accusatory question would do

Everything. Literally everything! I work with toddlers!

Someone upthread mentioned the dreaded question 'Where do you see yourself in five years time?' - my colleague was asked this but as she is 76 she had trouble answering. Eventually replied 'Doing my best to avoid being dispatched to a care home.'

Another at a local council - Director rambled on about load of nothing and then ended up stating 'We have to be seen to be doing the right thing. Any questions?' I put up my hand and asked 'why don't we just do the right thing.' Started looking for another job immediately after I saw the gobsmacked faces around me and Director red-faced and unable to answer. I knew my card was marked

Made me laugh out loud! So true!!!

Just the whole job

I'm a teacher...EVERYTHING.

@SamW98

Enthusiastically sell the fact to the team that the fact they have to log every single thing they do into a system that evidences productivity, accuracy and exactly how long they are at their desk every day really is for their benefit and isn't Big Brother at all

Or at least I did until the computer churned out reports showing my entire team including me, were doing a role that our India office could do at a quarter of the cost and with a higher productivity ratio so made us all redundant

Maybe I should have told them the truth

Maybe I should have told them the truth Steady on - as your example shows, telling the truth is always corporate suicide.

I have to pretend to be enthusiastic about ridiculous acronyms like SMART and CROW which detract from the actual vital work that we are needing to be doing for the vulnerable people in our care

I left a job like that 2 years ago. Was caught rolling my eyes at the acronym and bollocks spoken by teenagers in shiny suits. So much better now!

I work in healthcare and have to be professionally neutral while people are whinging on about their self inflicted health problems. I'm looking at them, internally screaming "Keep off the fags, booze, pies and shift your lardy arse then, you semi literate fuckwit"

Spend the best part of 90 minutes, of my own time, watching a video about how to wash my hands, wear a face mask and open a door in a Covid secure manner.
I've spent the best part of 18 months wandering around factories riddled with COVID without catching it, so I think I've worked it out for myself by now.