Mum bought my pregnant sister a house, but i get nothing... ever

[supergirl16]

I have a similar situation whereby my older sister, of 3 years, has always had a lot of help. At university she never had a job as my parents supported her, from age 21 - 26 she paid no rent (living with boyfriends and my parents) and still got handouts to decorate and renovate her houses, go on expensive holidays etc. I had 3 jobs at university and paid all of my bills from age 21. At 22 I paid full London rent (aware that was my choice). Recently she became pregnant and my mum bought her a house. Despite my sister having a good job in Dubai, she didn't save any money (but had a great time buying designer clothes, extravagant holidays and plastic surgery) and when she returned to the UK pregnant, my mum spent her life savings on a house for her. My mum had told me those were for a house for her and her partner as they wanted to move closer to our family. I feel so bad for my mum but at the same time I really don't. When I was desperate to get into the creative industry for a career and the job I was offered was very low salary, my parents did not offer to help me (even though I was only 22). They instead said things like 'I don't think you should take the opportunity because how will you afford to live?' insinuating I would not receive any help from them and they've never supported me - even when I lost my job and lived independently in London. Yet, my sister is pregnant and is flat out bought a house. Just to rub salt in the wound, it is a brand new house and has been kitted out with luxurious new furniture. I have had to scrimp and save and also miss out on opportunities - not just holidays - things like job opportunities as I was made to feel I couldn't afford - i had to have my own back as my family wouldn't for the past 4 years whilst not asking/or expecting a penny. My mum tells me she helps me all time but I feel like she delusional as she might buy me a coffee when were together but nothing more ever.... which is fine. However I don't understand why she bought my sister a house when
I realise I am envious of my sisters easy ride to enjoying life and essentially having the penny and the bun. But everytime she brings up money she complains how she is so hard done by, even though she got bought everything... (a house, a £1k pram, new furniture, new clothes etc etc). I have not been given anything and even if I need money, I simply deal with it and sacrifice opportunities but she will continue to get hand outs. I never say anything to this depth because I don't want to upset my mum but when I mention that my sister receives a lot of help, she either says one of these few things; that she does help me (wheres my house? I'm joking i know she can't buy two houses at once) or she tries to diffuse the situation saying she doesn't think its the case, or she will remind me of the trauma my sister when through when she became pregnant in Dubai (where you not allowed to be unmarried and pregnant - though the law recently changed), she had to come home. I feel kind of gaslighted by the situation and I am worried that I am beginning to dislike my family and this shift (which I am now realising has always sort of been there) is causing a massive rift in my relationship with them. I feel like very sad about the whole situation, and I sometimes hope I'm completely wrong but I just feel so cast aside. I have recently taken a pay reduction to do a job I have always wanted, and when i was offered between two jobs my mum didn't even hear the job roles and immediately said take the one that pays more.... This is the feeling I get from them all the time. What do I do?

@supergirl16

I feel bad because i think she tries hard to be equal,

She's really not though, OP. Re-read your own posts - where is the fairness in the way your mother treats you versus how she treats your sister? 🌹

Your family are going out of their way to make you feel like shit, and are then lying about what they are doing to your face, no wonder you feel like this.
Honestly, the reason why your mum keeps lying about how she treats you equal is because you let her, whenever you bring up how much they give your sister, she gets sad right, you feel bad so stop asking, and the conversation ends right? Don't do that. Ignore her fake sadness. Tell her exactly how her actions have made you feel. This is her problem to solve.

What about your father, is he still alive?

I'd go non contact with all of them after telling them exactly why, they'll call you greedy while being oblivious to their own shortcomings. Life's too short (or too long in this case) to continue playing second fiddle to your own sibling for the rest of your life, your niece/nephew will get the same treatment over any kids you have as well, guaranteed.

@Egeegogxmv yes so sad to see such mentality is still around, what hurts more is, strangers ask for loans off him, which he happily gives and many a times wipes away the loan. Yet if ever we wanted to borrow money, he will straight up say no. He's a people pleaser just not towards his own daughters.

@Feedingthebirds1 we certainly don't! I wasn't even working after I had my first child and he was seriously expecting I contribute financially, with what money? My husbands? I swear my father to a degree in his little head thinks he has a right to his sons in laws money.
I also live 300miles away from him.

Go low or no contact. You can’t win here. Gruesomely bad parenting, I have to say.

I swear my father to a degree in his little head thinks he has a right to his sons in laws money
He absolutely does! In his mind his daughters are his property therefore their husbands and their money also belong to him.

@SinisterBumFacedCat
"the golden child may be around when they can take gifts but they will fuck off pretty quickly when any caring is required."

This. Sister-in-law rinsed her parents for every penny she could while they were alive, all the time constantly pleading hardship, (while owning five horses and three cars), yet when they were dying she was nowhere to be seen, despite living five minutes drive away. Still, she managed to give Oscar winning displays of ostentatious grief at the funerals, never mind the fact she wouldn't give them the time of day when they were alive!

Yeah I wouldn't bet on parents making it more equal with inheritance. Golden child will be golden child. It's more likely parents will also leave more to them in their will, as the poor DSIS simply needs more, you see, and OP can manage on her own..
And yes, of course the poor struggling golden child can't be expeced to do any care work, they couldn't manage. The responsible independent OP can do it.

I have a friend whose parents have already told her that they will leave their house (the only asset) to her brother, as he needs it more and well, he's a man so will keep the family land in the family, or some other sexist bullshit. But my friend is the one who is expected to go to that house every day to help her aging parents, as the brother is not responsible enough.

I think in a family you can get cast in a role. You’re the capable one, your sister incapable.
We saw this with BIL. Although he earned plenty he was financially supported by his parents, DH never got a penny. Of course it was DH who supported them in ill health and old age even though BIL lived locally.
Step back. Show them how capable you are by living your life at arms length. Set your boundaries now going forward. Don’t be surprised when/if you have children you will also get zero support like your sister.

My parents were like this but to a much much lesser extent. I told them straight up I was fed up of being the afterthought and they could get back in touch when they'd decided to treat us both equally.
They did, and do, and now things are brilliant. But I absolutely would have never spoken to them again if necessary because it was making me so upset feeling like I was their least favourite child

Still, she managed to give Oscar winning displays of ostentatious grief at the funerals, never mind the fact she wouldn't give them the time of day when they were alive!
Maybe she felt guilty? My friend distanced herself from her dad when he was dying, she said she couldn't handle it. Her siblings turned on her afterwards because she had been 'the golden child' as everyone here is calling it. Six or seven years later and all conversations lead back to how she wishes she hadn't stepped away and left her siblings to it. None of them talk to her anymore, theyve a bare bones relationship. You never ever know what's going on in anyone else's head. (And I know 2 other instances of people distancing themselves when someone was dying)

My friend distanced herself from her dad when he was dying, she said she couldn't handle it.

ie she made it all about her.

OP,

You need to be your own priority.
Your mother has her own selfserving narrative that is unlikely to change.

I certainly wouldn't expect her to suddenly be fair in death.

Unfortunately money for some is a barometric of their affection so pointing out to your mother on paper exactly what she is doing will make it clear that she is only gooling herself.

Also not allowing her to sprout her false narrative unchallenged means you do
not get an ulcer from the annoyance!

Be true to yourself, tell her how you feel and leave her to it.

It is her choice and her loss.

It is surprising to read how prevalent this is in families.

It is surprising to read how prevalent this is in families
Agree, so much is hidden and only comes to light when we have a chance to discuss it anonymously and from the safely of our own homes with strangers

@stayathomer I don't think guilt is an emotion that my SIL has ever experienced. This is the woman who twenty years ago charged her own mother £150 a week "board" to stay at her house when she was ill, had a huge tantrum when she discovered that my DH had been given power of attorney instead of her (PILs had by then woken up to the fact there was a real danger she would clean them out if she was in that position), and stole £30k from them to pay for her horses. So no, I don't think the scenario you're suggesting is a likely one!

@stayathomer

Still, she managed to give Oscar winning displays of ostentatious grief at the funerals, never mind the fact she wouldn't give them the time of day when they were alive! Maybe she felt guilty? My friend distanced herself from her dad when he was dying, she said she couldn't handle it. Her siblings turned on her afterwards because she had been 'the golden child' as everyone here is calling it. Six or seven years later and all conversations lead back to how she wishes she hadn't stepped away and left her siblings to it. None of them talk to her anymore, theyve a bare bones relationship. You never ever know what's going on in anyone else's head. (And I know 2 other instances of people distancing themselves when someone was dying)

Oh I think anyone who's lived with this personality type knows exactly what was going on in her head.

Too important (to herself) to visit dying dad.
The other siblings' grief not considered.
Years later, covers arse with handy "but I feel so guuuuuuuuuiiiilteeee" to deflect annoyance of siblings.

The other siblings' grief not considered.
I think you'll find most people are selfish in grief. I've had 3 life changing losses in my life and went through them in a fuzz. Most people do. Well done if you're able to think about others (honestly) but I know my family mostly broke apart and grieved/dealt with it in different ways. Same through 2 terminal illnesses. It's not right but you don't think logically. And again if that's not your experience fine, and I'm sure it's not, I'm sure there's been more families that banded together and were there for each other and strong, I'm just going on our experience and I think people on this thread dont see outside what they decided happened. Just offering another option.

Why did you take a pay cut? Is it something you can afford or only with support ?