Mum bought my pregnant sister a house, but i get nothing... ever

[supergirl16]

I have a similar situation whereby my older sister, of 3 years, has always had a lot of help. At university she never had a job as my parents supported her, from age 21 - 26 she paid no rent (living with boyfriends and my parents) and still got handouts to decorate and renovate her houses, go on expensive holidays etc. I had 3 jobs at university and paid all of my bills from age 21. At 22 I paid full London rent (aware that was my choice). Recently she became pregnant and my mum bought her a house. Despite my sister having a good job in Dubai, she didn't save any money (but had a great time buying designer clothes, extravagant holidays and plastic surgery) and when she returned to the UK pregnant, my mum spent her life savings on a house for her. My mum had told me those were for a house for her and her partner as they wanted to move closer to our family. I feel so bad for my mum but at the same time I really don't. When I was desperate to get into the creative industry for a career and the job I was offered was very low salary, my parents did not offer to help me (even though I was only 22). They instead said things like 'I don't think you should take the opportunity because how will you afford to live?' insinuating I would not receive any help from them and they've never supported me - even when I lost my job and lived independently in London. Yet, my sister is pregnant and is flat out bought a house. Just to rub salt in the wound, it is a brand new house and has been kitted out with luxurious new furniture. I have had to scrimp and save and also miss out on opportunities - not just holidays - things like job opportunities as I was made to feel I couldn't afford - i had to have my own back as my family wouldn't for the past 4 years whilst not asking/or expecting a penny. My mum tells me she helps me all time but I feel like she delusional as she might buy me a coffee when were together but nothing more ever.... which is fine. However I don't understand why she bought my sister a house when
I realise I am envious of my sisters easy ride to enjoying life and essentially having the penny and the bun. But everytime she brings up money she complains how she is so hard done by, even though she got bought everything... (a house, a £1k pram, new furniture, new clothes etc etc). I have not been given anything and even if I need money, I simply deal with it and sacrifice opportunities but she will continue to get hand outs. I never say anything to this depth because I don't want to upset my mum but when I mention that my sister receives a lot of help, she either says one of these few things; that she does help me (wheres my house? I'm joking i know she can't buy two houses at once) or she tries to diffuse the situation saying she doesn't think its the case, or she will remind me of the trauma my sister when through when she became pregnant in Dubai (where you not allowed to be unmarried and pregnant - though the law recently changed), she had to come home. I feel kind of gaslighted by the situation and I am worried that I am beginning to dislike my family and this shift (which I am now realising has always sort of been there) is causing a massive rift in my relationship with them. I feel like very sad about the whole situation, and I sometimes hope I'm completely wrong but I just feel so cast aside. I have recently taken a pay reduction to do a job I have always wanted, and when i was offered between two jobs my mum didn't even hear the job roles and immediately said take the one that pays more.... This is the feeling I get from them all the time. What do I do?

OP, I would raise it with your parents. I bet they actually believe they are being fair. You should make it clear how their behaviour is pure favoritism

I feel so bad for my mum but at the same time I really don't.

Yeah, you really shouldn't.
She is creating a monster out of your sister, if she hasn't already. (Surprise us - did your sister ever offer to share her spoils, or speak up that maybe the huge sum of money for her new house should be fairly split into 2 hefty deposits instead of 1 outright purchase?)

I'm sure you already have a handle on some of the dysfunction, like the dynamics of Golden Child vs: Scapegoat or Neglected Child, so I won't bang on about that. Besides, it's not useful in terms of changing any of the unfairness, which is obviously & very reasonably eating away at you.

My mum tells me she helps me all time but I feel like she delusional
Very probably, but again - so what? No matter what her psychology & motivations are, the effect on you is the same - you are being treated unfairly, & that has a host of other issues buried inside it, such as your own feelings about being valued, heard, appreciated & loved ...

So my suggestion, dear OP, is that you begin a gradual process of teaching yourself to give less of a fuck. I know that sounds glib, but as you cannot change your mother, you can only change your response to her.

What form that might take can only come from you, but if you look at statements like:
I had 3 jobs at university and paid all of my bills from age 21. At 22 I paid full London rent
i had to have my own back
even if I need money, I simply deal with it
whilst not asking/or expecting a penny
I have recently taken a pay reduction to do a job I have always wanted

& compare them with:
At university she never had a job as my parents supported her, from age 21 - 26 she paid no rent
[mum] flat out bought [her] a brand new house ... kitted out with luxurious new furniture
she complains how she is so hard done by, even though she got bought everything
she didn't save any money (but had a great time buying designer clothes, extravagant holidays and plastic surgery)

& ask yourself - which of these scenarios paints a shallow, spoiled twat, & which one shows a woman with backbone, a committed & focused work ethic, & genuine self-reliance?

I know that doesn't change anything concrete, or alter your mother's disgraceful favouritism.
But it could be the beginning of a different way of handling your relationship with your family.
You might also want to find the "Stately Homes" thread/section here (am sure PP can signpost you if needed, apologies I have forgotten how to). It's a forum for adult children of dysfunctional parents, & is jam-packed with empathy & advice. You will find many links to reading resources there too.

It would also help for you to engage with some form of counselling, to help you assess how you want to tackle making changes to how you respond to your mother's batshittery in future.

TL:DR
YANBU!!!
You are the better person.
Get some external support to ensure you truly believe that, & pat yourself on the back for your resilience & independence while you're doing it :)

My dad was in the same position with his brother and their parents his whole life. They favoured his brother always but I think, although hurtful to him, it was a backhanded compliment. They saw him as the more stable one who didn’t need their help whereas his brother never married or had children etc. Perhaps that’s how your mum sees you and your sister. She’s the fuckup who got herself knocked up in an Arabic strict country and you just get on with things. She may actually be proud of you x

Op - be prepared for your mum to justify the unfairness as she's done it for the one who needs it. That you were OK and able to look after yourself so haven't needed the help. (Glossing over the fact they can't help you now as the money is now spent)

Or its a "reward" - she stayed closer by for uni, she's getting a house because she's come home. You have stayed away so nothing.

Truth is they haven't felt the need to be fair. That you've noticed it and are angry/disappointed should be pointed out so they can't pretend everyone thinks this is reasonable.

BTW- are they buying your sister a house, or are they buying a house they own but allow her to live in rent free? These are very different offers to her, and very different situations for their future financial planning.

Agree your only option is to speak openly with your mum about this, it will eat you up inside otherwise.

Sounds like your mum is scared if she doesn’t spend all this money on your sister she will lose the relationship, whereas she knows she doesn’t have to do that with you.

Hold your head up high that everything you have is yours because you’ve worked hard for it and earned it.

@Maggiesfarm

When your parents die, you might find they have left you more in their will.

As a matter of interest, has anyone experienced that happening to them or someone they know? Or has the golden child received still more?

@EmbarrassingAdmissions in my dad’s case no, my grandparents left their house to my uncle because he rented and my parents owned theirs (Never thinking of their huge mortgage 🙄).

This is shit and hurtful and I'm sorry about it.

But you have learned skills and attitudes that mean you are able to look after yourself in most situations. There will be an element of perceived helplessness attracting support in your sister's case I'm sure and if you were to show similar helplessness you would probably get help, but... You don't want to do you? You've become the type of person who works for what you want and suffers hardship philosophically and works hard to get out of it.

I know which sort of person I'd rather be. You'll never be helpless.

That really isn't fair nor right, and There's no excuse for it. I'd be going no contact oh and If she needs care in her older age I'm sure your sister will happily volunteer being the golden child she is. Harsh nasty but true.

Type out a receipt of all your mum has bought for your sister and show her, she may be shocked at how much it has been. Flat out ask her why this hasn’t been more fairly distributed between the two of you. Don’t let her buy you any more conciliatory coffees, presumably you are the one taking her to the cafes in the first place. Is your father still alive/around? Then distance yourself geographically because believe me, the golden child may be around when they can take gifts but they will fuck off pretty quickly when any caring is required.

@Zari29

This is so grossly unfair and not right at all. Most importantly this is unacceptable. It's also at this point you need to realize that you will never win. By win, I mean you will never win approval from your mother. You will never win the fight to be seen as equal or reasonable. You need to mentally start distancing yourself and make peace with the relationship. It's always been this way and it won't change. Your dm is justifying buying you coffees against a whole house purchase. And that's probably the last straw for you. Stop being available to do stuff for your dm, stop prioritizing her feelings over yourself, and stop feeling guilty for wanting to be treated equally. She is really a horrible mother to treat her children so unfairly.

Great post Zari.

OP - you are a valuable & decent person.
The fact that your mother refuses to treat you as one will never alter that.
You don't need her validation (nice as the financial benefits of having it seem to be for your sister).

And bear in mind that any financial contribution from your mother has a price-tag. Look at how she makes a mountain out of the molehill of buying you a coffee. Maybe your sister doesn't mind paying that price, or is too enmeshed with your mother's disordered thinking to notice/care.
But it's seriously unhealthy. See my "creating a monster" point, upthread - your sister seems to run through however much money she's earned or is given. What will she do when the source eventually dries up? Which of you is best placed to be self-supporting, when that happens?
You'll probably find that you are managing well enough, or at least debt-free, while your sister becomes overwhelmed by credit cards & the inability to fend for herself.

Firstly stop feeling sorry for your mum. She's an adult with the capacity to make her own choices. This is as much, if not more, on her as it is on your sister.

Secondly I'm sorry to say this isn't going to change. You have to make your peace with that. That may be by going LC or NC. But whatever you choose, protect yourself and your emotions from a situation that is massively unfair. You are not at all unreasonable to be hurt by it. But you're not going to get anywhere by talking to your mum any further, and she isn't suddenly going to realise how unfair she's being. She believes her own narrative. Be sad that she isn't the mum you want her to be, but build a life that suits you and leaves you immune to/cold at what's happening.

Finally as a PP has said (and related to my first point) when the time comes, you are under no obligation to be the one caring for your mum in her old age. Whether or not golden child sister picks up that baton is up to her, but if she doesn't that doesn't make it your problem.

Being the better person doesn't feel that great when the lesser person is getting all the gains. And your DM is gaslighting you by trying to say that a coffee every now and then is anywhere near equivalent to what she does for your sister.

You might feel better to just get all of this out in the open, and be prepared to walk away if you need to. This kind of thing takes a sledgehammer to your self-esteem. If you need to cut contact, do it.

Another vote for going NC or at least VLC for a while. Leave 'em to it and concentrate on making a success of your new job

Same here, all my life. I used to boil with the unfairness of it but now I'm afraid I've moved away and keep my distance. I refuse to be 2nd best and if that's how I'm going to be treated I don't want to be around them.
I'd never treat my children differently no matter what.

Not a lot you can do other than list the help they have given your sister verses you and show it to her

Tell her how you feel she favours your sister and has done little to help you

Depending on what she says I would look to go low contact with both, leave them to it. Your sister can then run round after your mother in her old age, and you can proudly say you got where you are with no family support

They both sound awful....your sisterbis spoiled. At least you can walk away with no strings attached. Perhaps you can be more your own person than your sister who sounds very insecure with heer surgery etc.Still hurtful though.

Dh’s parents do this with his brother. They perceive we’re rich and he’s poor - salaries are actually really similar but we have 3 dc and they have none. We’re good with money and dbil isn’t and is vocal about how hard life is. Pil have paid his council for at least a year, bought him a brand new car, money towards house of around £35k.

They took dd1 on a caravan holiday once and that’s apparently a favour to us - they wanted her to spend time with them and I didn’t really want her to go as she was 3 and I was home on mat leave so I didn’t see it as a favour to me! They also offered to pay for the pram for dd1 but then gave £100 less than it cost (average price and it had been agreed before buying it - we had to suddenly dip into savings to cover and £100 was a lot to us at that point).

It’s really hard not to feel bitter but at least we’re not beholden to them. I really feel for Dh though. Even when he was 14 and needed glasses his dad found some on a train and said “try those”. They worked well enough and Dh managed with them but his db got glasses bought the normal way. I can’t get my head round it. Dh even now doesn’t feel worthy of having money spent on him. He’s such a wonderful and kind man, he deserves so much more!

OP have you explicitly ever asked your parents for anything?

The 2 people in our wider family who got pregnant young both ended up with a great deal, 1got a free house all the childcare needed, big wedding the other massive deposit & all the childcare needed to enable working.
We paid for childcare, paid for wedding & lived in a tiny house.
It's not uncommon but slightly hard to deal with at the time.

I'd have to walk away, that's unbelievably hurtful.

@Twinsmum2003 Similar for my mum - her parents always favoured her younger brother because in a weird way they felt sorry for him, as if he couldn't properly fend for himself, whereas they saw my mum as being capable and strong so less worthy of their support. He fleeced my grandmother after my grandfather died for his feckless wife and families endless debts. Mum never received more in wills either. It's very strange and very unfair - the OP immediately made me think of this. Mum kind of accepted it, although it made her sad and angry at times. And it made her determined to treat me and my sibling completely equally.

It's terrible.

Remember this when your mum is elderly and in need assistance

EmbarrassingAdmissions
Maggiesfarm

When your parents die, you might find they have left you more in their will.

As a matter of interest, has anyone experienced that happening to them or someone they know? Or has the golden child received still more?
......
Yes, a few times.

Imo bite your tongue.. Whenever you get messages asking for help /care forward them to The Golden Child.
Step away from your dm and pat yourself on the back op. You should be very proud of your achievements.. Your dsis is nothing more than a sponger..