Mum bought my pregnant sister a house, but i get nothing... ever

[supergirl16]

I have a similar situation whereby my older sister, of 3 years, has always had a lot of help. At university she never had a job as my parents supported her, from age 21 - 26 she paid no rent (living with boyfriends and my parents) and still got handouts to decorate and renovate her houses, go on expensive holidays etc. I had 3 jobs at university and paid all of my bills from age 21. At 22 I paid full London rent (aware that was my choice). Recently she became pregnant and my mum bought her a house. Despite my sister having a good job in Dubai, she didn't save any money (but had a great time buying designer clothes, extravagant holidays and plastic surgery) and when she returned to the UK pregnant, my mum spent her life savings on a house for her. My mum had told me those were for a house for her and her partner as they wanted to move closer to our family. I feel so bad for my mum but at the same time I really don't. When I was desperate to get into the creative industry for a career and the job I was offered was very low salary, my parents did not offer to help me (even though I was only 22). They instead said things like 'I don't think you should take the opportunity because how will you afford to live?' insinuating I would not receive any help from them and they've never supported me - even when I lost my job and lived independently in London. Yet, my sister is pregnant and is flat out bought a house. Just to rub salt in the wound, it is a brand new house and has been kitted out with luxurious new furniture. I have had to scrimp and save and also miss out on opportunities - not just holidays - things like job opportunities as I was made to feel I couldn't afford - i had to have my own back as my family wouldn't for the past 4 years whilst not asking/or expecting a penny. My mum tells me she helps me all time but I feel like she delusional as she might buy me a coffee when were together but nothing more ever.... which is fine. However I don't understand why she bought my sister a house when
I realise I am envious of my sisters easy ride to enjoying life and essentially having the penny and the bun. But everytime she brings up money she complains how she is so hard done by, even though she got bought everything... (a house, a £1k pram, new furniture, new clothes etc etc). I have not been given anything and even if I need money, I simply deal with it and sacrifice opportunities but she will continue to get hand outs. I never say anything to this depth because I don't want to upset my mum but when I mention that my sister receives a lot of help, she either says one of these few things; that she does help me (wheres my house? I'm joking i know she can't buy two houses at once) or she tries to diffuse the situation saying she doesn't think its the case, or she will remind me of the trauma my sister when through when she became pregnant in Dubai (where you not allowed to be unmarried and pregnant - though the law recently changed), she had to come home. I feel kind of gaslighted by the situation and I am worried that I am beginning to dislike my family and this shift (which I am now realising has always sort of been there) is causing a massive rift in my relationship with them. I feel like very sad about the whole situation, and I sometimes hope I'm completely wrong but I just feel so cast aside. I have recently taken a pay reduction to do a job I have always wanted, and when i was offered between two jobs my mum didn't even hear the job roles and immediately said take the one that pays more.... This is the feeling I get from them all the time. What do I do?

@Maggiesfarm

When your parents die, you might find they have left you more in their will.

Depending on when they die and their Inheritance Tax situation the money given to your sister may form part of the estate with implications for her. In addition if they need care the 7 years rule does not apply, if it's, say, 10 years later once their money has been used up she could be expected to pay some back under the Depletion of Assets rules.

In the mean time I would make it clear to the golden girl that any care needs will have to me met by her, not you, as your mother prefers her.

I would go very low contact with both of them. Your mother has behaved extremely unfairly and if I was you, I wouldn't be able to forgive her. Don't depend on receiving more money/assets than your sister in your mum's will. I expect that the remainder of your mum's assets will be divided equally between you and your sister, or your sister could potentially be given more again. Basically, think the worst because your mum has shown you the worst already.

Be honest with your Mum and explain how this has made you feel, exactly as you have done on here. I can’t see how she’d ever be unaware of this massive disparity but she must have her reasons, perhaps she thinks you can cope but your sister just can’t? I don’t know, it’s truly shitty of your Mum though.

Well if it were me I’d simmer with resentment until I fell out with them for eternity but you sound a much nicer person than I am.

and I am worried that I am beginning to dislike my family

God, I’m not surprised love!
Your dm is wrong on every level - sounds like you are the responsible, independent older child and your dsis is the pampered baby.

I’d distance yourself from all of them - I have 4 dc’s and can never understand how people can treat their own dcs so differently. Mine get equal everything and will all get equal amounts of financial help when they need it (we plan to help them all with house deposits when they reach that point).
It must be horrible to see such favouritism from your Dm - it’s nasty.

You're on the receiving end of the shitty end of the lollipop stick. Your sister is the golden child. You can't compete. Your mum will never, ever treat you the same way, whether you say something or suck it up.

My advice is to back off. The less you know about what they're all doing, the better you'll feel.

Like a po said, stop being so available. Because no matter how badly they treat you, you're still there, offering yourself to be treated badly. Stop offering yourself up.

It's horrible. But if you can accept it, and move on, you'll be better for it. Can you afford counselling to help you come to terms with it?

And remember, it's ok to feel hurt, when people do hurtful things. But use it to empower you to stop putting yourself in the firing line.

My parents helped my three other siblings with everything from fancy cars, apartment rent,house deposits,clothing,lawyer fees, money towards grandchildren and I got a minimal budget wedding and my irritated Father chewed me out for my "poor timing" with wanting to marry when he was buying the cars for my siblings and he had to dip into his savings. They only paid a few thousand on the wedding as it was held in a church and reception hall. They offered no help with my only baby except a couple cheap items on my baby gift registry 20 years ago. I'm the only child who never asked for financial loans or gifts. I can't remember last time I got a birthday or Christmas gift from them. They called me to tell me their wish lists for their birthdays! Honestly, OP I understand where you're coming from. It's humorous that of all my siblings I'm the most independent because the favoritism spurred me on to achieve highly, so I guess there are positives to most situations.

Does your sister put pressure on your mum? And do you directly ask your mum for help?

Maybe you seem like a really independent woman and your sister is a grabber?

Personally I'd be ashamed to 'take take take' from my parents (sounds like you're like that too) but I know people like your sister who want it all and coerce people into giving to them. Shameless.

It’s unfair and horrible for you, but sounds like your parents favour your sister or see her as more vulnerable and in need of their help. Is it the first grandchild? Maybe they’re just over excited and trying to get her to live near them?

It's not just the inequality, it's the insistence that she's helped you when she clearly hasn't.

I got it from my parents ("We do so much for you all the time," if I asked for anything as a kid - when they didn't even do the basics) & MIL ("I always treat both my children just the same" - we never asked her for a thing but she used to say it all the time, having given SIL who knows how much for a house extension, & us nothing at all, ever).

You've already called her out on it & she's lied about it or tried to deflect. You're not wrong. And it's painful. I'd get some outside help to look at the family situation & clarify your own feelings & wishes.

Some parents always seem to treat one child as a child ,even when they are fully grown .It really sucks and seems very unfair .As a PP said ,Is your DS always after money ? Seems to feel "entitled" even though a grown woman . Your DM clearly thinks you are responsible and adult enough to manage without her help . I would say as you have here that you feel very hurt . So many of these threads say to go NC but its not that easy sometimes . Tell DM how you feel .If nothing changes, then just LC may be better to start with .Dont always pick up the phone for example .Dont be avaliable all the time and so on

Yeah its crap.

It's the same in my family.

My brother got a house as a wedding present. And help with another house.

My sister got given one house a f another sold to her at very cheap price.

My other sister and brother got given a house to share.

Only my oldest sister didnt get much handouts and she worked for herself. But is doi g really well.

Whenever I would bring it up my dad would say that due to my job I'm luckier and would earn more so my sibling needed more help.

Even last week I was talking to my mum about an offer I had put on a house and she seemed shocked I would need such abig mortgage and told me off for not being better with my money. That I should have saved much more by now. She doesnt understand how the housing market had changed over the last few years and it actually normal to need a mortgage over 200k to buy a house.
It just brought all those feelings back about how much help all my siblings got but I didnt.

All i can do is be fairer for my own kids.
Luckily theres no serious disability or health issues with them. So they are both going to get equal help.
Neither will get more for doing worse at school or better. And no extras for anything else. Straight down the middle, no matter how many kids one has compared to the other etc or if one married someone richer etc.
Exactly the same for both.

I disagree with above comments. I think your parents know deep inside you two are different, they think you're more resilient, whereas your sister easily gets upset when meets any hardship so they rush to help out. Or maybe they have some guilt before her? Like they weren't able to give her as much attention when she was younger as to you

also, prepare yourself for the day the bank of Mum and Dad runs out and your sister, due to her years of learned helplessness, puts the pressure on you to take over providing for her if she has not me a man to do so by then.....

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Type out a receipt of all your mum has bought for your sister and show her, she may be shocked at how much it has been. Flat out ask her why this hasn’t been more fairly distributed between the two of you. Don’t let her buy you any more conciliatory coffees, presumably you are the one taking her to the cafes in the first place. Is your father still alive/around? Then distance yourself geographically because believe me, the golden child may be around when they can take gifts but they will fuck off pretty quickly when any caring is required.

So true!

Op - what makes you say your mum tries to be equal?

Is it she says she wants to be equal but sees your sister "needs" more? Or is it that she keeps saying she likes to keep things equal, when all the evidence says otherwise?

Your mum doesn't try to keep things equal. She doesn't want to be equal enough to be equal.

(It definitely would be worth finding out if your sister is being given a house or if your parents will continue to own it and she's just being given use of it.)

It happened in my family too OP. One of my brothers was given a house, years of free childcare and bought a business. Me and other DB got nothing. My mum is very wealthy and often likes to tell me she's found shares or ISAs she's forgotten about. Don't waste your time trying to get your DM to see your point of view - she won't. Go low /no contact. I am fully financially independent as is other brother and my mum hates this as she equates failure/neediness with love. The brother who has been given all the help has a shit life as everything he does fails (school, marriages, work, children). I'm no contact with him for my sanity. It annoys the fuck out of me but I couldn't waste anymore time being annoyed. Hope you feel less alone knowing this is pretty common.

My brother is the golden child.

My sister is an arsehole but me and her never got the same treatment as our brother even though he has always been a high earner.

Vile. Some people should never be parents.

I can't believe how clueless your mum is OP. It would drive me insane.

My parents give more financial help to my sister, however, she lives by herself and earns a lot less than myself and my brother. She doesn't take the piss, pays it back and is very hard working.

I would definitely have a chat with her about this, even if it just confirms her complete lack of emotional intelligence. From what you have said though, I would go in with low expectations of how your mum reacts, however, she should know that her decisions have collateral damage

I would show receipts than go low contact or no contact! Blatant favouritism..
in the long run though OP you are kitted out to stand on your own as difficult as it is. G&d forbid your mum is no longer around to fund your sister .. she does not seem to have the financial skills to make it without assistance.

It sucks I can relate

This is hugely unfair! I would say distance yourself from your mother, she doesn't get to treat you unfairly and expect to have a close mother daughter bond too!
It's always the ones that pay their way, become independent from relying on parents, it's those that suffer, as parents just expect you to find your way and not depend on them and the other children that always depend on them, they become almost like, they need to be their for that child as they have always done everything for them whereas other child can do everything themselves.
My brother has never had to worry about anything, my dad gave him a Brand new car and a house. Whilst we got nothing. All his life he's just depended on my dad for everything, up until he was 24 years old he was still receiving pocket money from dear
father, he then was forced to go in to the family business as my father basically threatened not to give him anymore money. But even then it wasn't an actual job, he was chilling, doing nothing and being paid a wage! A bloody joke.
He then many years later got himself a job elsewhere to get 'better pay' and even that job he landed very easily as he was recommended by a friend. There's no way he would've got the job without friend recommending him. People like that get everything without doing anything but act like they have worked so bloody hard to get to where they are!
My father favours sons over daughters so not really surprised we got nothing. He will never invest in his daughters as he feels our husbands are the ones that are benefiting. But it's ok for our brothers wife to benefit ?? I just don't have a proper relationship with him anymore nor do my sisters.
We don't even live in the family home and he expects us to financially contribute, because apparently that's what children should do, yet his grown ass son still lives there with his wife and has never paid rent or any form of bill ever!!

He will never invest in his daughters as he feels our husbands are the ones that are benefiting. But it's ok for our brothers wife to benefit ??
my take on this is that he sees women as the possessions of men, therefore anything he gives to you automatically becomes the property of your husband and he doesnt want to give his money away to this man over whom he has no control and who has no loyalty to him.
He gives to his sons because in his mind the assets of the marriage belong to the husband.
These 'primitive' authoritarian/patriarchal value systems die hard:(

@hellogem

We don't even live in the family home and he expects us to financially contribute, because apparently that's what children should do

I really hope you don't!

thing is they do these out of order things but you think 'maybe they didnt mean it like that' (because we feel obliged to give the benefit of any doubt to family members) so you dont say anything, and then when it carries on you feel unable to say anything because you didnt before and because you are now so angry it doesnt feel safe to raise the subject.
However, I think mostly 'they' know exactly what they are doing!