Mum bought my pregnant sister a house, but i get nothing... ever

[supergirl16]

I have a similar situation whereby my older sister, of 3 years, has always had a lot of help. At university she never had a job as my parents supported her, from age 21 - 26 she paid no rent (living with boyfriends and my parents) and still got handouts to decorate and renovate her houses, go on expensive holidays etc. I had 3 jobs at university and paid all of my bills from age 21. At 22 I paid full London rent (aware that was my choice). Recently she became pregnant and my mum bought her a house. Despite my sister having a good job in Dubai, she didn't save any money (but had a great time buying designer clothes, extravagant holidays and plastic surgery) and when she returned to the UK pregnant, my mum spent her life savings on a house for her. My mum had told me those were for a house for her and her partner as they wanted to move closer to our family. I feel so bad for my mum but at the same time I really don't. When I was desperate to get into the creative industry for a career and the job I was offered was very low salary, my parents did not offer to help me (even though I was only 22). They instead said things like 'I don't think you should take the opportunity because how will you afford to live?' insinuating I would not receive any help from them and they've never supported me - even when I lost my job and lived independently in London. Yet, my sister is pregnant and is flat out bought a house. Just to rub salt in the wound, it is a brand new house and has been kitted out with luxurious new furniture. I have had to scrimp and save and also miss out on opportunities - not just holidays - things like job opportunities as I was made to feel I couldn't afford - i had to have my own back as my family wouldn't for the past 4 years whilst not asking/or expecting a penny. My mum tells me she helps me all time but I feel like she delusional as she might buy me a coffee when were together but nothing more ever.... which is fine. However I don't understand why she bought my sister a house when
I realise I am envious of my sisters easy ride to enjoying life and essentially having the penny and the bun. But everytime she brings up money she complains how she is so hard done by, even though she got bought everything... (a house, a £1k pram, new furniture, new clothes etc etc). I have not been given anything and even if I need money, I simply deal with it and sacrifice opportunities but she will continue to get hand outs. I never say anything to this depth because I don't want to upset my mum but when I mention that my sister receives a lot of help, she either says one of these few things; that she does help me (wheres my house? I'm joking i know she can't buy two houses at once) or she tries to diffuse the situation saying she doesn't think its the case, or she will remind me of the trauma my sister when through when she became pregnant in Dubai (where you not allowed to be unmarried and pregnant - though the law recently changed), she had to come home. I feel kind of gaslighted by the situation and I am worried that I am beginning to dislike my family and this shift (which I am now realising has always sort of been there) is causing a massive rift in my relationship with them. I feel like very sad about the whole situation, and I sometimes hope I'm completely wrong but I just feel so cast aside. I have recently taken a pay reduction to do a job I have always wanted, and when i was offered between two jobs my mum didn't even hear the job roles and immediately said take the one that pays more.... This is the feeling I get from them all the time. What do I do?

It is really very, very unfair. Your mother/parents need to be told that is not right or fair how your sister has been given much more than you (although it is their money and their choice) . She is very obtuse, just plain ''bad'' or in denial if she cannot see the situation as it is. You should confront her seriously, tell her how very offended/hurt you are and ask when you will be getting your free gifted house too. Expect an answer and be prepared to tell them all you want no further contact as you can never get over the way they have treated you..

I second what someone else said about grandkids bringing this up even more. I see this in my family all the time, when someone is about to have a baby everyone really rallies around them. Which in a way is fair, your mum is not just thinking of her daughter but also her granddaughter. And the moment you start a family, you really could use more help. That's not to say the past treatment was OK but I sort of understand why your.mum really wants to help out your sister right now.

Anymore messages of enlightenment are welcome.

ha ha ok then you asked for it!

Someone also asked about why i do/but don't feel bad about my mum. I feel bad because i think she tries hard to be equal, but then again i don't feel bad because she's not equal. That is the centre of my horrible crux.

This crux is the reason I suggested counselling.
It's not logical to believe that your mum "tries hard to be equal".
If that were true, she'd distribute her affections & assets more fairly wouldn't she?
So either she's lying, or she's so deeply batshit that she failed to notice the difference between the cost of a house & the cost of a cup of coffee.
And that would be so batshit you'd already be wondering how she manages to function in everyday life. You'd already be chalking it up to insanity, not inequality.
Her refusal to discuss/accept it suggests denial, discomfort, & misdirection to me, not lack of awareness. She knows what she's doing but doesn't want to admit it, because it reflects badly on her. So she tells you giant fibs about how much she gives you & cares for you. That's an active choice, not a misunderstanding.

That's why I think it would help you to have some expert handholding while you unravel all the threads of this dynamic, & decide how you are going to then reassemble them & begin framing your own narrative about your family.

One narrative might be "i spend less time with my mother than I used to, because that helps me manage the disappointment that she grossly favours my sister."

There doesn't need to be a major drama or a massive cathartic scene - unless you choose to make one, which would be entirely understandable - because your life isn't a movie, & unreasonable people don't respond as we would like them to, no matter how carefully & earnestly we may entreat them to.
Just a gradual readjustment, as you get your head round methods of responding to relatives in a way that does you the most favours, & gives you optimum peace from the nagging feelings of being undervalued.

@Muchasgracias

Oh! Gracias! xx

Supergirl, have you any idea why your sister gets so much handed to her on a plate? Could it be that she is so obstreperous your mum is doing what she feels she has to to keep her calm? If so, that says a lot about you - that you don't need all this careful handling and keeping quiet. I might be way off the mark there but I'm reading between the lines you have written.

Is your dad on the scene, does he have any say in any of it, if you don't mind me asking?

I agree with you, it does sound like you are being gaslighted, by your mum at least. It's hard and hurtful to think that the person who should love us unconditionally would be so unfair but the fact that she says she helps you all the time or that it doesn't end well is very telling.

I think if you want to carry on the relationship with your family, you probably just have to carry on as you are but if you feel strongly enough that you at least want an answer from your mother you'll need to be prepared for some potential distance to come between you. Hopefully that wouldn't happen and she'll listen to you but you know her and will have more of an idea if that's likely

It sounds like your sister is cunning and manipulative. She guilt trips your mum into giving her money because she plays the victim all the time, whereas you don't.

When the bank of mum runs dry please don't allow either of them manipulate you into subsidising them.

@HeavyHeidi

YANBU of course, but I don't think there's much to do. Similar situation here - when I was in my ealy 20s, my parents lent me money to get some super cheap items of used furniture and made sure I paid it back. Sister just made a list of stuff she wanted and was bought the lot, no re-payment. I was driving a frankly not fit for the road car that didn't start every second day, she was bought a brand new one when she got her license. Same with everything, I had to manage myself, she got things handed to her.

Talking makes no difference, even when I give concrete examples, they just get defensive and tell me that I have received what I needed. I mean fair enough, nobody actually 'needs' a brand new car, but I don't get why my needs seemed to be so much more modest compared to my sister..

Oh Heidi that's pants.

The gaslighting defensiveness is doubly galling, because they are so blatantly lying.

It's as plain as the face under my nose that they loaned you what you needed, but gave your sister what she wanted.

Selfish gits. It's not even the money is it, it's the dismissal of your equal importance & feelings.

Have some xx

One of many reasons I went LC then NC with my DM was the golden child/scapegoat dysfunction in my family. I had years and years of being ignored, dismissed and blamed for the toxicity in my family of origin. I was brought up being told there was something wrong with me mentally because I was the whistle blower on what was actually going on rather than pretending like everything else.

Eventually I broke away and can now see how damaged and damaging the whole family is. Fortunately as the scapegoat I had developed a lot of resilience and independence which I suspect is the journey you are on. Being able to look after yourself and not being enmeshed is something to be valued.

You are unlikely to be able to change this dynamic. Your DM has already dismissed your concerns and is blind to her favouritism of your DS. However golden child comes with a price tag as my DB has recently found out. Without the scapegoat on the scene expectations of the the golden child ramp up until they have no life of their own. You are the lucky one, you get to escape, although it probably doesn't feel like it at the moment.

@Maggiesfarm

When your parents die, you might find they have left you more in their will.

Myself and 1 sibling are in a similar situation.I don't buy it otherwise why would they not be open about it while they are alive. Rather than giving to one and creating and breeding resentment between the siblings when they have died.

I'd just cut all contact with the pair of them. If your mother wants to know why then tell her it's because she has favourites and makes you feel like shit. Tell her that if she wants a relationship with you then she needs to treat you absolutely the same as your sister or you'll not be bothering.

Don't keep letting her treat you like shit.

@Maggiesfarm, my DM hasn't died yet but it became increasingly obvious in my case that the expectation was that I would do the 'women's' work and run around looking after her whilst my DB would pick up the assets on her death. She told me he would get everything in her will. When my GM died my DB was given the valuables, I was offered a biscuit tin I had gifted her years before. Favourites are usually always favourites and interestingly don't seem to have much in the way demanded of them.

I never say anything to this depth because I don't want to upset my mum

You may not want to upset her but it doesn’t seem like she cares that she upsets you.

Well your mum has your sister to help in old age, you can back off and leave her to it. Tell her how you feel, and that it's hurt you very much. Then go low contact, or else they are going to keep hurting you. It's similar with my dh parents, divorced and new families. Their new families cop the lot, dh is thrown a crumb every now and then, and gets nothing in their wills, even though none of them are short of a bob or two already.

YANBU.
Not a penny’s going to come your way.
I see no point in keeping contact with your mother. Cut her off and give no more thought to whether she and your sister live or die.

As a middle aged woman now this literally still happens in our family!!!

I have step siblings however we are of very similar ages (same school year). I have ALWAYS worked and although more recently my DS has she hasnt always. That apparently is enough to make her the DD who is given everything. At 13 I had my first job and that was when even buying my school uniform stopped.

I look back now and my overriding thought is that at least I have nothing to thank them for!

I’m finding it so hard to believe this is real OP - just absolutely gobsmacked at the unfairness!!!

My mum was like this. She never changed. I went NC with her and never looked back.

I had to laugh at the comment about leaving something in her will.
Don't count on it. She managed to shove the knife in after she died.

Have it out with her if you want. She'll probably just deny it or try to make you look like a fool for mentioning it. There won't be any huge light bulb moment on her part realising she's treated you unfairly.
She knows. She just doesn't care.

ChargingBuck I know, it seems clear to me as well that me borrowing money to get that second-hand sofa is not quite the same as sister making a list with home cinemas and whatnot on it for them to buy.
But for parents, it seems to be that well, as a result, we both got our apartments furnished, so therefore all fine..

I do not get it. If you have more than one child you have to treat them fairly. A house! It is unbelievable and insulting. You've coped because you've had to.

I would tell your DM that you are done with them both. So when she needs looking after or moving or care you will not be doing it.

My parents did something similar to myself and my brothers, and it does hurt. They have apparently transferred the house to one of my brothers and him and his family have taken over. Father since died and mother needs nursing home care so a bit of a mess. I am no longer in contact with mother and that brother, and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done! Sneaky brother can crack on with the care arrangements

sister making a list with home cinemas and whatnot on it

Bejaysus, @HeavyHeidi!

I hope you receive this in the kindly way it's intended - that didn't half make me guffaw.

There comes a point when if you don't laugh, you'll cry.

After that, with the right mindset (not giving a fuck, mainly, which sounds easy but takes time), it just becomes genuinely ludicrous.
Far healthier to point & laugh at these ridiculous individuals, than be swamped by them & awash with their bullshit ...

Sounds like your sister is the golden child. Its unlikely your mother will ever agree with you, and if you get upset or angry she is less likely to engage. If you can feel calm enough to say something, do - like 'that is not how I see it, a coffee is not the same as rent and a house' or 'you have never given me as much as you give her - that is your choice but I have to let you know it hurts'. Not saying your truth will fester. Yes, your mum may be upset. But she is upsetting you already. So why not tell her?

I recently became aware of how parents don’t “worry” about responsible kids. They think “they’ll manage”. My husband and his older sister work hard, paid their way through life while the youngest SIL gets everything handed in a platter. Inlaws had the nerve to even compare her finances to ours. We both work in demanding jobs and save/invest religiously. SIL chooses not to work and has expensive tastes.

My parents always thought my brother was the golden child. He had kids earlier and they were doted on. They gave him and his wife quite a lot of money for extension and rebuilding projects. My mom died quite early on just after my youngest son was born. In twenty years, he took our kids out twice. Interestingly though, when my dad became ill, it was he looked to for care. Which was just as well, as my brother and his wife dropped him like a stone. To others asking the question was this evened up in the will? No, my brothers kids were given specific requests. Mine got nothing. The golden child is always the golden child. Even when my brother and his wife were quite horrid, this did not seem to have an impact.

I'd lay everything out to your mum like you have done here and tell her you'll be going no contact now as they clearly have a golden child and you're done. Hope she'll be available down the line when they want/need help ... highly doubt it though.