Mum bought my pregnant sister a house, but i get nothing... ever

[supergirl16]

I have a similar situation whereby my older sister, of 3 years, has always had a lot of help. At university she never had a job as my parents supported her, from age 21 - 26 she paid no rent (living with boyfriends and my parents) and still got handouts to decorate and renovate her houses, go on expensive holidays etc. I had 3 jobs at university and paid all of my bills from age 21. At 22 I paid full London rent (aware that was my choice). Recently she became pregnant and my mum bought her a house. Despite my sister having a good job in Dubai, she didn't save any money (but had a great time buying designer clothes, extravagant holidays and plastic surgery) and when she returned to the UK pregnant, my mum spent her life savings on a house for her. My mum had told me those were for a house for her and her partner as they wanted to move closer to our family. I feel so bad for my mum but at the same time I really don't. When I was desperate to get into the creative industry for a career and the job I was offered was very low salary, my parents did not offer to help me (even though I was only 22). They instead said things like 'I don't think you should take the opportunity because how will you afford to live?' insinuating I would not receive any help from them and they've never supported me - even when I lost my job and lived independently in London. Yet, my sister is pregnant and is flat out bought a house. Just to rub salt in the wound, it is a brand new house and has been kitted out with luxurious new furniture. I have had to scrimp and save and also miss out on opportunities - not just holidays - things like job opportunities as I was made to feel I couldn't afford - i had to have my own back as my family wouldn't for the past 4 years whilst not asking/or expecting a penny. My mum tells me she helps me all time but I feel like she delusional as she might buy me a coffee when were together but nothing more ever.... which is fine. However I don't understand why she bought my sister a house when
I realise I am envious of my sisters easy ride to enjoying life and essentially having the penny and the bun. But everytime she brings up money she complains how she is so hard done by, even though she got bought everything... (a house, a £1k pram, new furniture, new clothes etc etc). I have not been given anything and even if I need money, I simply deal with it and sacrifice opportunities but she will continue to get hand outs. I never say anything to this depth because I don't want to upset my mum but when I mention that my sister receives a lot of help, she either says one of these few things; that she does help me (wheres my house? I'm joking i know she can't buy two houses at once) or she tries to diffuse the situation saying she doesn't think its the case, or she will remind me of the trauma my sister when through when she became pregnant in Dubai (where you not allowed to be unmarried and pregnant - though the law recently changed), she had to come home. I feel kind of gaslighted by the situation and I am worried that I am beginning to dislike my family and this shift (which I am now realising has always sort of been there) is causing a massive rift in my relationship with them. I feel like very sad about the whole situation, and I sometimes hope I'm completely wrong but I just feel so cast aside. I have recently taken a pay reduction to do a job I have always wanted, and when i was offered between two jobs my mum didn't even hear the job roles and immediately said take the one that pays more.... This is the feeling I get from them all the time. What do I do?

I wouldn't blame you for going NC because of this.

My dsis is treated like yours by my mum and it is a pisstake quite frankly. My mum ends the conversation when any of us other siblings try to raise it but my dad is well aware of her cheeky fuckery.

I leave them to it to be honest as I can't deal with it. They have bought everything for her child due at the same time as mine and yet she still gets 'anxious' when asked about baby things as there is so much still to buy. My mum has bought everything so far and she will of course get gifts from us siblings. She has no shame in voicing how hard her life is and the rest of us just see her for what she is. She sees our parents as a bank and is the type of person who thinks the world owes her a living, her dh is the same. I give them a wide berth. I am proud of myself for not relying on handouts from anyone else and making my own way in the world and you should be too. It sounds like everything you have is as a result of your hardwork and that is how it should be, take pride in that even if noone else does.

You have to address it with your mum as the resentment will only build. My mil does this with my sil and I so I have made it quite clear to my dh that when the time comes should she need looking after sil can do it because I will not. Sounds harsh but you have to take a stand somewhere.

Yanbu at all.
Your dm and ds are .
Is it because there's something you know nothing about so your mum chooses her over you or it could be she sees you as a strong person who does not need help?
Either way,I can understand your hurt and feelings of unfairness.
It might be worth sitting her down and telling her all this,don't let her interrupt until you have finished or try to change the conversation.If she won't give you straight answers,consider if you really want this hurt to continue.Or walk away.

Sometimes a narrative becomes entrenched in a family - “Xx needs help/is a victim; Yy is strong and capable”

No matter how capable Xx becomes they are still babied, not matter how Yy struggles, they are not offered help.

It’s unfair and fosters toxic relationships between siblings.

@Sexlife

I just do not get why some parents do this. Mine did the same, not a house but a car, horse etc, so hurtful.

Either speak to your mum frankly or put up with it. I am NC with mine, for me thus was just a part of my black sheep treatment.

Same here @sexlife. 😢

I too have been NC with my family for well over 20 years now.

OP I know it sounds drastic but I can heartily recommend telling your mother everything - sorry but I wouldn't worry about hurting her as she doesn't care about hurting you - and then walking away. If she refuses to accept what you are saying then you have nothing to lose by going NC.

Your sister is so obviously the "Golden child" and if you tolerate many more years of this dreadful differential treatment then your mental health will be wrecked as mine was eventually, plus my self esteem was - and still is - shit!

I have just celebrated 27 years without any of them. Never been happier! 😁

I'm sorry to hear you've gone through this OP.

I really think you need to tell your mum how you feel. Perhaps write her a letter about how hurt you are.

She may never seen it from your perspective, she probably never will but you deserve the chance to say your peace. If not it will fester and fester.

Definitely not fair, but not much you can about it.

But remember this when your mum gets older and might need help herself. Direct her to your sister ….

Sorry OP, this is really hurtful. Whilst I don’t agree with counting up the help given in monetary terms, it is very clear that you are being treated unfairly. I have received less financially than my siblings as I have never needed to ask for much (I borrowed 10k towards a house deposit but paid it all back) but my dp help out with childcare on a regular basis, cook for us and sometimes go on holiday with us so we get the same but in other ways. That is obviously not happening in your situation and I just can’t imagine treating my dds so unfairly!

That's really shit of your mum. I'd distance myself massively from them. Say something or don't, that's up to you. But this relationship is damaging you and you have no obligation to maintain it. Let them have their golden child.

Every achievement you have made OP is your own , nobody else’s , and for that you should feel proud .

It’s not right how your family have behaved , but realistically you can’t change it , what you can change is how you think about it - don’t let it take up too much more headspace .

I would distance myself and concentrate on living a good life of my own making

They possibly see you as the one who will get there in the end/has it all together. My brother has a good job and worked his ass off- nothing. The rest of us kind of got into messes and got helped out. Saw same with bil, were having lottery conversation and mil was wondering why we'd give bil (her son), the same as we gave her. She said 'but he's fine for money, we need it, he doesn't'. Sad but it's the way it ends up and I know in the future if I see someone who needs a hand more than the others, I'll help them more. It's not rational really because you're not helping them long term, but then not everything is clear cut!

I would not be bothered,or get upset about all this, I don't know the reasons why your Mother is prone to favouritism, but you will be the better person, having to go it alone, instead of someone, who has it all on a plate,and then can make them complacent thereafter.

Obviously shes the favourite, it happens. Were you a difficult child?

My mother does this with my younger sister. I once years ago took her to task over it and her response was that I always seemed to be so confident and secure and that she didn't worry about me because of it. basically my sister is a bit of a train wreck who needs her mum more than me.
This of course is not the case. Sister is just a CF. And I am not sure if my mother was lying, but I speak as little to both of them as I can and I certainly don't need them in my life.
If I were you I'd tell your mother how you feel and depending on her response get the hell out of there and don't look back!

It's very unfair and I don't know why parents do this.

I'd lay it out to your dm, call her out on her unfairness and then I'd pull away from her. What have you got to lose? The odd coffee by the sounds of things

So unfair and annoying.

My parents have always given my sister more both in time and attention and money. I don’t bother having it out with them as I rationalise that it’s because she is a mess and I am not, not because they love her more. Whether this is true I have no idea but it makes me feel better.

It’s not happened to me as my parents don’t have money but I have watched it happen to my partner.
Turning up at Christmas to unwrap boxers and a box of lynx while his sister unwraps a laptop and his brother gets season tickets.
I felt angry for him and wanted to say something. Especially when in my opinion he is best of the 3.
We have never had it out with the family but instead lowered our expectations.

Could you start testing the waters first before having it out.
Ask for help buying a house, tell them you need a new sofa etc and see if they offer.
It’s really hard to broach these topics with family without sounding petty and entitled. So I would be more tempted to have some scenarios behind me.

I will also add that babies do bring this out in people. My partners brother and sister both have families and children.
Me and my partner although we have been together 15 years have just got pregnant, since getting pregnant his mum has bought us the crib, pram, car seat. She never says it’s for us but for her grand child but she has been more attentive and generous since we got pregnant

I come from a family of double standards and blatant favouritism too. I’m NC with mine which makes life so much easier. I did try for a long time not to let it bother me but when those same behaviours were happening with my DCs vrs my siblings DCs I called my family out on it and been NC ever since as I will not let my family make my DCs feel they way I’ve always felt around them.

Thank you for all your messages of support and for advice. I really appreciate them and each one I have read has resonated with me in one way or another. I am honestly very shocked and grateful.

For those who have said about speaking up, I have a few times but it has never ended well. My sister is constantly a victim so I think it makes my family sympathise her more and I look bullish or 'over opinionated'. Like one person said it is my mums money at the end of the day... it is just hurtful to go through. Someone also asked about why i do/but don't feel bad about my mum. I feel bad because i think she tries hard to be equal, but then again i don't feel bad because she's not equal. That is the centre of my horrible crux.
Again thank you for all your messages.
Anymore messages of enlightenment are welcome.

Great post from @ChargingBuck

Read, read again and re-read that one.

I agree with the posters suggesting going low contact.
Not to punish them but to protect yourself from seeing the injustice and feeling the hurt.
I think you know you are better off in the long run but day to day you have been treated very unfairly and it will likely increase when her baby arrives.

YANBU of course, but I don't think there's much to do. Similar situation here - when I was in my ealy 20s, my parents lent me money to get some super cheap items of used furniture and made sure I paid it back. Sister just made a list of stuff she wanted and was bought the lot, no re-payment. I was driving a frankly not fit for the road car that didn't start every second day, she was bought a brand new one when she got her license. Same with everything, I had to manage myself, she got things handed to her.

Talking makes no difference, even when I give concrete examples, they just get defensive and tell me that I have received what I needed. I mean fair enough, nobody actually 'needs' a brand new car, but I don't get why my needs seemed to be so much more modest compared to my sister..

That's really shitty OP. I don't know how parents can these sort of things to their children

My friend had her house bought for her by her parents, she was in a much less financial situation to her sister, but when her parents passed away, their house was left to her sister and all other finances split.
Maybe that's what your mum intends to do?

Not all kids need to be treated the same. Yes it's hurtful, but it's much preferable to be the kid they don't need to worry about op. Independence is much more valuable than constant handouts.