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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset over not being mentioned.

130 replies

catsarebetter · 29/06/2021 12:37

Ok, not the most serious thing in the world but just wanted peoples thoughts on whether I am being over sensitive.
My brother lives 2.5 hours away from the rest of the family. He has a one child, I have 3, so when he comes to visit (which he hasn't for ages because of lockdowns) he always stays with my parents who are 10 minutes up the road from me. We don't tend to go and visit him as it would mean a hotel stay or going there and back all in one day.
He has just told my mum that he's coming up in August for 3 days, which is when me, DH and DC are on holiday, my mum knew this but didn't think it was worth telling him. We always all get together whenever he comes up and normally they all come to mine for a big meal. I thought it might be relevant that I wasn't around but my mum just very bluntly put it "well you can't see him them because you're away". My brother doesn't seem very bothered that we're not here either.
It just makes me feel like I'm not very important to them, that really he's just coming to see my parents but if I'm on hand to provide a meal then great but if I'm not, then never mind. I burst into tears when I came off the phone from my mum, then started to question whether I should be upset.
What do you think?

OP posts:
Longestfewdaysupcoming · 29/06/2021 12:40

From his point of view, it’s all one way isn’t it? And then he doesn’t get to see your parents without you?

I wouldn’t be annoyed, but I’d take it as a review point that you should maybe look at how you manage the relationship and try to make it more equal in terms of travelling.

Sorry you’re upset though.

TenThousandSpoons · 29/06/2021 12:40

Yanbu as it does sound thoughtless but maybe your brother can only do that week and could be disappointed not to be able to see you - but your mum didn’t word it nicely.

3scape · 29/06/2021 12:40

You've seen your parents, as have your children. If you want to spend time with your brother organise it for when you're not on holiday?

NeepNeepNeep · 29/06/2021 12:41

When was the last time he visited? How often do you see him?

Roodicus21 · 29/06/2021 12:41

I think if you were that motivated to see him you would've made contact to make arrangements over the summer. I don't think it's your mind job to co-ordinate your and your db's diaries.

UserAtLarge · 29/06/2021 12:42

Your brother is allowed to just visit your parents and not include you in the visit as well.

Maybe he thinks he's not very important to you as you never make the effort to see him apart from when he's visiting your parents?

Sirzy · 29/06/2021 12:42

If that’s when he is free what do you expect him to do? Presumably you have been lucky enough to see a lot of your Mum this year whereas he hasn’t?

If you want to see him then you could go to him but have chosen not too.

TicTacHoh · 29/06/2021 12:43

Maybe it’s the only time he could get off? I live away from where I grew up, and although I love my siblings, I primarily go back for me/my school to see my mum. I’d be sad if they were away when I planned to visit, but realistically I wouldn’t be able to change the dates between holidays from work and general family life

SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/06/2021 12:43

You are over reacting.
It's one visit. Bank holiday weekend is an ideal time for a family get together because of the extra day off work.
They shouldn't not get together at a time that works just because you have other plans!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 29/06/2021 12:43

It's jjst timing🤷🏻 Happens to all of us living away once in a while and there is just no need for hurt feelings like this.

Anoisagusaris · 29/06/2021 12:43

Perhaps that’s the only time he can come.

DeathStare · 29/06/2021 12:43

I think you're being over-sensitive. Your brother is coming to visit his parents at a time that works for him. Hes not organised it deliberately to avoid you. I'm sure he enjoys seeing you, but hes not going to cancel his visit just because it doesn't suit you.

From your brother's perspective it seems very one way. You don't visit him, he visits you. Now hes visiting on a weekend that doesnt suit you so you expect him to change his plans rather than you change yours, even though you're the one bothered by it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/06/2021 12:44

I’d take it less personally. Your brother wants to see his parents and his child their grandparents. You being there is an added bonus if you happen to be around, but you aren’t the purpose of the visit. I can sort of see why your mum would think it isn’t an issue - you don’t bother yourself to visit your brother (a couple of hours each way in the car is hardly a mission requiring an overnight stay) so just wait for the convenience of him showing up to you. It doesn’t sound like you’re overly fussed about maintaining a close relationship with him.

Clickbait · 29/06/2021 12:44

Well, I'm probably the wrong person to ask because I'm not very close to my brother and don't see him often.

But I think there's something in between "he's desperate to see you and your DC" and "you're just on hand to provide a meal". I guess he's mainly coming to see your parents, but it's nice to see you too?

I do understand about the travel issue, but maybe as he's always the one to make the journey he feels the same as you're feeling? In other words, he thinks you don't mind seeing him while he's there to visit your parents but you don't care enough to make the effort to visit him? Maybe this one time (as you'll miss his visit), you could suggest coming to see him another time, and bite the bullet about staying in a hotel or driving a long way?

Howshouldibehave · 29/06/2021 12:45

You never go and see him!

Mrsjayy · 29/06/2021 12:46

I understand you are upset but your mum is entitled to see him without you she didn't have to mention it to him you see her all the time him not so much, I think you should maybe make more of an effort if you want to see him.

SnoopyLights · 29/06/2021 12:46

I'm sorry, I think you may be being a bit over-sensitive.

That might be the only time he can visit if he has work or other commitments. Is he coming with a partner and his child? Do they have other commitments that mean this is the best time for him?

Also you say you don't go to visit him because it doesn't work for your family?

He could easily be feeling that he's the one that always has to travel to see you, you never travel to see him, but you are travelling for your holiday, and he doesn't complain about that

I think it's just bad timing this time.

Original poster
catsarebetter · 29/06/2021 12:47

@NeepNeepNeep We normally see up twice a year, and the last time he visited was New year 2020.

OP posts:
TicTacHoh · 29/06/2021 12:47

*dc not school!!

Fistful · 29/06/2021 12:47

Seriously, you cried because your brother arranged to go and see your parents on a Bank Holiday weekend that suited him, and didn't rearrange because you were going to be on holiday? That's pretty melodramatic.

And yet you would presumably find it unreasonable if he thought '@catsarebetter isn't bothered about seeing me because she never comes here, but is happy just to see us when I'm visiting our parents'?

WombatStewForTea · 29/06/2021 12:47

Sounds that he isn't as bothered about seeing you as you are him. Stop making the effort if people don't make it back

TheUndoingProject · 29/06/2021 12:47

I think he probably feels like he’s the one making most of the effort in your relationship, and it will be nice for his child to get some one on one time with their grandparents.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 29/06/2021 12:47

@WombatStewForTea

Sounds that he isn't as bothered about seeing you as you are him. Stop making the effort if people don't make it back
The op never goes to see him!
ComtesseDeSpair · 29/06/2021 12:47

@WombatStewForTea

Sounds that he isn't as bothered about seeing you as you are him. Stop making the effort if people don't make it back
She doesn’t make the effort, that’s most people’s point.
grapewine · 29/06/2021 12:47

@UserAtLarge

Your brother is allowed to just visit your parents and not include you in the visit as well.

Maybe he thinks he's not very important to you as you never make the effort to see him apart from when he's visiting your parents?

This. It goes both ways.