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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset over not being mentioned.

130 replies

catsarebetter · 29/06/2021 12:37

Ok, not the most serious thing in the world but just wanted peoples thoughts on whether I am being over sensitive.
My brother lives 2.5 hours away from the rest of the family. He has a one child, I have 3, so when he comes to visit (which he hasn't for ages because of lockdowns) he always stays with my parents who are 10 minutes up the road from me. We don't tend to go and visit him as it would mean a hotel stay or going there and back all in one day.
He has just told my mum that he's coming up in August for 3 days, which is when me, DH and DC are on holiday, my mum knew this but didn't think it was worth telling him. We always all get together whenever he comes up and normally they all come to mine for a big meal. I thought it might be relevant that I wasn't around but my mum just very bluntly put it "well you can't see him them because you're away". My brother doesn't seem very bothered that we're not here either.
It just makes me feel like I'm not very important to them, that really he's just coming to see my parents but if I'm on hand to provide a meal then great but if I'm not, then never mind. I burst into tears when I came off the phone from my mum, then started to question whether I should be upset.
What do you think?

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 29/06/2021 13:53

So do you visit him or not ? Sounds like you have FOMO and are foot stomping which is a bit silly isn't it ?

Briarshollow · 29/06/2021 13:53

Are you joking? You make sod all effort to see him, he always has to schlep to you. 😂 why are you crying about it?

NEVERENDINGST0RY · 29/06/2021 13:53

We don't tend to go and visit him as it would mean a hotel stay or going there and back all in one day.

We do go and see him so I do make the effort but not as frequent as he comes to see us.

Briarshollow · 29/06/2021 13:54

We don't tend to go and visit him as it would mean a hotel stay or going there and back all in one day.

You’ve somewhat changed your tune about you visiting him since getting hammered, but I’m going to go with your original statement…

Rillington · 29/06/2021 13:59

You should make the effort to visit him. It's all his effort by the sounds of it.

WhySoSensitive · 29/06/2021 14:06

You’re being precious.
Your parent’s don’t have to tell you every time they divisor and considering you don’t visit your brother I’m not surprised he hasn’t told you either.

It doesn’t mean they’re not thinking about you, it just means they’re making plans that suit them more.

NeepNeepNeep · 29/06/2021 14:10

Sometimes we can't help feeling hurt but if it doesn't make sense logically. Maybe you don't visit him often but when he comes your direction you make an effort with meals etc. You felt like you didn't matter - I'm sure that's not true and your mum and brother do value you. Unless you were bawling your eyes out on the phone to your mum, having a wee private cry doesn't make you a drama llama. I think that is unfair. No one is perfect. Hope you feel better soon.

NeepNeepNeep · 29/06/2021 14:11

*even if it doesn't make sense

AcrossthePond55 · 29/06/2021 14:14

My sister lives 1500 miles from us. When our parents were living my sister & family scheduled their visits according to their (sister's) convenience. If we (my family) were free so much the better but I certainly didn't expect her to consult me ahead of time, nor would I rearrange my calendar if we had a planned holiday. They were coming primarily to see our parents and for their children to spend time with their grandparents. If they got to spend time with us and the cousins got to play, so much the better.

If there was a conflict certainly I was disappointed, but I didn't have a meltdown over it. I think you need to put things into perspective and do a bit of 'getting over yourself'. If you want to see your brother that bad, then cancel your own plans but don't expect him to rearrange his.

FoxgloveSummers · 29/06/2021 14:20

I think possibly you're missing your brother? It's been crap not seeing the whole family together etc recently, for most of us. Why not just ring him up, leave the kids at home and get a train for a day trip to see him this weekend on your own for lunch? No reason it has to be everyone all the time.

sillysmiles · 29/06/2021 14:25

Have you spoken to your brother directly about this or is everything through your mother?
Why not ring him and say "I hear you are about these dates, but its a pity I'll be away but how about we catch up x dates?"

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/06/2021 14:29

I think YANBU to be upset that you have discovered that you're not that important to your brother and his family.

You've explained why you don't go to theirs very often/at all, and that's reasonable - but on the other hand, this time in August might be the only time that your brother could make it.

Did you check with him when he would be likely to come up before you made your holiday plans? I don't suppose you did - so it's reasonable that he didn't check with you that you'd be around when he came up.

It's a shame but I don't think you're that connected as siblings - but if you hadn't already realised this, then I can see it would be upsetting to find that out.

Cattitudes · 29/06/2021 14:39

When they were alive we always travelled to see parents/ inlaws. Siblings would only ever pop in to say hello while we were there. Interestingly now that we are not travelling to see parents it seems that those roads still only travel in one direction. If you had really wanted to see him, even if he wasn't in a bubble with your parents/ didn't want to risk passing covid to them etc you could have arranged to visit him or meet him half way. How far are you travelling to go on holiday? It is a shame you aren't free but don't put all of this onto him.

Bluntness100 · 29/06/2021 14:43

Gosh op. You make very little effort to go and see him, and he’s fully entitled to see his parents without you.

If you want to see him, phone him and make some plans and go there. When was the last time you did? You can afford a holiday but don’t want to spring for a hotel room to see your brother? What message does that send?

Weirdlynormal · 29/06/2021 14:44

I used to live about that distance from my parents, and ALWAYS having to see everyone each time you visit is a pain. Perhaps he just wanted to come and not have the whole shebang!

Bluntness100 · 29/06/2021 14:48

And two ans a half hours is easily doable in a day. Leave at 8. There for 10.30. Stay till six, home by eight thirty, have a nice lunch, it’s hardly difficult.

However if you don’t make the effort I really don’t think you can take the high ground and be upset that he has decided not to either.

CambsAlways · 29/06/2021 15:03

Just maybe your brother thinks as you don’t make an attempt to see him then you aren’t that fussed,

FatCatThinCat · 29/06/2021 15:12

You brother is entitled to have a relationship with his parents independent of his or their relationship with you. Crying about it is not only OTT, it's ridiculous. My 8 year old doesn't even do that when I see his older sister without him.

iwannascream · 29/06/2021 15:19

I live 2.5 hours away from my parents, and it used to drive me mental that when I went up for the weekend when my kids were young my sister and my nephew were always there the Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday before I drove home again. My sister lives local to my parents and her and my nephew get to see them all the time. I would have been over the moon for my kids to have had their grandparents to themselves for a change.

I know it doesn't help you but maybe you could see it from your brother and his kids point of view.

Bibidy · 29/06/2021 15:23

We do go and see him so I do make the effort but not as frequent as he comes to see us.

In fairness OP, you've said you only see each other twice a year so really must barely ever visit him. But same the other way round!

BeeDavis · 29/06/2021 15:28

So you expect him to plan his visits around your availability but you won’t change your plans for him? I’m not saying you should change your plans but just accept that you’re not available for his visit. This is so unnecessarily dramatic it’s ridiculous.

Howshouldibehave · 29/06/2021 15:33

@Bibidy

We do go and see him so I do make the effort but not as frequent as he comes to see us.

In fairness OP, you've said you only see each other twice a year so really must barely ever visit him. But same the other way round!

Exactly-you did say, ‘We don't tend to go and visit him’ which suggests it is very rare.

NotAllTheOnesWhoWanderAreLost · 29/06/2021 15:37

Hmm… I think I wouod be upset if my brother was blasé about not seeing me after 18 months tbf,

Normal circumstances, yes no issue at all. Now? I’d be mifted.

However, I think that maybe if you are both happy with seeing each other twice a year and not put effort to see each other more than that, than maybe your relationship isn’t very strong either. And he doesn’t care that much (and nor do you?)

quizqueen · 29/06/2021 15:38

How nice, an adult son wants to bring his family to visit his parents. It sounds like he chose a good time as well to avoid his drama-llama sister.

EssexLioness · 29/06/2021 15:42

As the one who lives away, it can feel very upsetting when your siblings don’t bother coming to visit. I am similar to your brother. Get on well with my siblings but live 3 1/2 hours drive away. I am the only one that bothers to visit… if I didn’t bother the others wouldn’t make the effort. They last visited 7 years ago. If you care them I would suggest visiting him next time, regardless of the inconvenience. Think how hurt you are at missing out this time due to being away… now imagine your brother never visited you. That is how he probably feels. You have got into a pattern of him being the one that always makes the effort. It isn’t fair on him at all

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