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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset over not being mentioned.

130 replies

catsarebetter · 29/06/2021 12:37

Ok, not the most serious thing in the world but just wanted peoples thoughts on whether I am being over sensitive.
My brother lives 2.5 hours away from the rest of the family. He has a one child, I have 3, so when he comes to visit (which he hasn't for ages because of lockdowns) he always stays with my parents who are 10 minutes up the road from me. We don't tend to go and visit him as it would mean a hotel stay or going there and back all in one day.
He has just told my mum that he's coming up in August for 3 days, which is when me, DH and DC are on holiday, my mum knew this but didn't think it was worth telling him. We always all get together whenever he comes up and normally they all come to mine for a big meal. I thought it might be relevant that I wasn't around but my mum just very bluntly put it "well you can't see him them because you're away". My brother doesn't seem very bothered that we're not here either.
It just makes me feel like I'm not very important to them, that really he's just coming to see my parents but if I'm on hand to provide a meal then great but if I'm not, then never mind. I burst into tears when I came off the phone from my mum, then started to question whether I should be upset.
What do you think?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 29/06/2021 13:09

Sounds like you never ever make the effort to visit him. They arranged for a convenient them for both of them.

looptheloopinahulahoop · 29/06/2021 13:10

I'm not keen on long journeys but routinely travel 2.5 hours to and from a relative in a day. And have stayed overnight too. Just arrange to visit one weekend.

Viviennemary · 29/06/2021 13:10

Didn't see your last post. Just let it go.

Horehound · 29/06/2021 13:11

Well, it doesn't always revolve around you does it.
He can meet up with your folks without you being there.
It seems like you have FOMO.

Jasmine11 · 29/06/2021 13:12

Why can't one sibling see the parents without the other one getting upset? This seems like a very strange reaction from you OP. Your brother is coming to see your parents, you don't all have to come as a package - very territorial of you!

Allllchange · 29/06/2021 13:12

Ditto for if you can't afford a hotel can you suggest you meet half way or you do 1.5 hours and he dies an hour to really show you are willing.

UserAtLarge · 29/06/2021 13:13

It was more the point that I wasn't even thought about.

And how often do you think about him? If you were that keen to see him, why haven't you been instrumental in organising a visit, in agreeing a mutually convenient date?

Your post reads like you are desperate to see him, but your actions say you are not that bothered.

bookish83 · 29/06/2021 13:13

@TheUndoingProject

I think he probably feels like he’s the one making most of the effort in your relationship, and it will be nice for his child to get some one on one time with their grandparents.

I agree with this. I would feel this way

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 29/06/2021 13:14

Why can’t he see your parents on his own for a few days? Why do you feel you’ve the right to be there too?

Littlelegs2 · 29/06/2021 13:14

I think that you are over thinking things. Just go and enjoy your holiday. And let your brother enjoy his visit with your parents. It is ok to do things separately. It would not be fair for them not to visit whilst your on holiday . They have to sit at home bored/lonely whilst your enjoying your holiday. It's not really an issue . You enjoy your holiday. He enjoys time with your parents.

Freddiefox · 29/06/2021 13:16

@WombatStewForTea

Sounds that he isn't as bothered about seeing you as you are him. Stop making the effort if people don't make it back

Doesn’t sound much like the op makes much effort.

I think you are making this all about you. We used to visit the mil and the cousins would always be there. My children didn’t really get an opportunity to develop their relationship because she already had quite a close relationship with them because they lived near. Maybe it’s similar for your brother

ChicChaos · 29/06/2021 13:17

It is nice to meet up with siblings but your reaction to not being directly involved with his visit is a little over-the-top so I'm guessing there is some history between you and your sibling? Does he ever get to see your parents without you being there, OP?

JoyOrbison · 29/06/2021 13:18

How often do you see you parents, and your dc see tjir grandparents, with out your brother and his family bei g there? Lots!

So he is perfectly entitled to visit his parents, and let his dc visit grandparents without you being there.

Maybe over the holidays you should price up a budget hotel and make the effort to visit your brother and his family so it doesn't look one way.

Fairyliz · 29/06/2021 13:24

But surely if you were really close to your brother he would know when you were going on holiday because you would have told him on a phone call?
So that suggests you don’t have a close relationship if you don’t talk about these fairly basic things?

viques · 29/06/2021 13:25

How old is his child? Maybe he wants his child to have 121 time with the grandparents without having to share it with your three. Maybe the grandparents are looking forward to that time too.

JudgeJ · 29/06/2021 13:32

@3scape

You've seen your parents, as have your children. If you want to spend time with your brother organise it for when you're not on holiday?

2.5 hours away is hardly massive, even with children, we did journeys like that quite regularly. Maybe your brother would like you to make some effort to see him.

Thesearmsofmine · 29/06/2021 13:33

It’s not about you OP. He is coming to see your parents. It’s that simple.

Feedingthebirds1 · 29/06/2021 13:33

As he didn't know you were away, he cannot have thought that he'd choose that time just to piss you off, or even that it would be a good opportunity for him to see his parents without you being there too. He chose it because they were days he could do, that fitted in with his other plans. Tough luck for you that you won't be there. He doesn't have to consult your calendar before deciding on dates.

From your OP - We don't tend to go and visit him as it would mean a hotel stay or going there and back all in one day.

From your last post - We do go and see him so I do make the effort but not as frequent as he comes to see us.

Which is it?

harriethoyle · 29/06/2021 13:35

You sound VERY hard work - why shouldn't your brother see his parents when it suits each of them?! I bet he's desperate to see them without you and you must frequently see them without him because of the proximity... What on earth is the issue?

HappyMeal654 · 29/06/2021 13:42

This

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 29/06/2021 13:44

So not only are you a drama llama you are also a truth twister. Op says we don't tend to visit when people quite rightly pick you up on this you change your post to We do go and see him so I do make the effort well which is it?
You sound like hard work, and someone that wants everything on their own terms.
Yabu

Pinkdelight3 · 29/06/2021 13:45

It's a bizarre reaction. You think he's somehow using you for a meal and doesn't really want to see you otherwise? Stop doing the meal if it makes you feel like a martyr, but tbh you've not done it for 18months anyway. Don't know why you're making any of this about you. He's coming to see his parents when he has the time. You are on holiday then so he can't see you. That isn't even blunt of your mum. It's just how it is. Enjoy your holiday and if you're arsed about seeing your brother, organise something in advance. Otherwise, if it's not that kind of relationship, don't read so much into it. It's surely an unconditional thing, where you're both beholden to your immediate families (DP and DC) now, and then to the parents/grandparents. Of course a sibling/aunt is less of a priority - as he very much is for you.

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/06/2021 13:46

I think you’re being over sensitive, he’s coming to see his parents.

AnotherDayAnotherCake · 29/06/2021 13:48

Just arrange to go and see him another time. No big deal.

TillyTopper · 29/06/2021 13:49

I think you are overthinking this! You both have your own families, he is 2.5 hours away, maybe it's the only time that is convenient for him to come.

If he called you and asked when you are on holiday then booked at the time you are away you would have a point.

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