Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset over not being mentioned.

130 replies

catsarebetter · 29/06/2021 12:37

Ok, not the most serious thing in the world but just wanted peoples thoughts on whether I am being over sensitive.
My brother lives 2.5 hours away from the rest of the family. He has a one child, I have 3, so when he comes to visit (which he hasn't for ages because of lockdowns) he always stays with my parents who are 10 minutes up the road from me. We don't tend to go and visit him as it would mean a hotel stay or going there and back all in one day.
He has just told my mum that he's coming up in August for 3 days, which is when me, DH and DC are on holiday, my mum knew this but didn't think it was worth telling him. We always all get together whenever he comes up and normally they all come to mine for a big meal. I thought it might be relevant that I wasn't around but my mum just very bluntly put it "well you can't see him them because you're away". My brother doesn't seem very bothered that we're not here either.
It just makes me feel like I'm not very important to them, that really he's just coming to see my parents but if I'm on hand to provide a meal then great but if I'm not, then never mind. I burst into tears when I came off the phone from my mum, then started to question whether I should be upset.
What do you think?

OP posts:
Twistered · 29/06/2021 15:47

Your brother arranged to go and see your parents on a weekend that suited him and your parents?
You will be on holiday and you are annoyed to the point of bursting into tears that he didn't cancel and wait until you were back?
Ah come on now!!
It's always him making the effort anyway so I honestly don't know how you have the nerve to be annoyed about this!!

Crimblecrumble1990 · 29/06/2021 15:47

Sorry I think you a being a bit dramatic. You said yourself you don't really go and see him. He has a time that works for him and they are going to visit your mum - I'm sure you will see him another time (you could always visit him??) and it might be nice for them to spend some time with your brother and family alone. I'm sure they don't see you as a free meal! It's just not about you on this occasion.

NotSure94 · 29/06/2021 15:51

I think getting upset is just silly. He's allowed to prioritise seeing his parents and nice as it is that he comes to you for a meal usually it sounds like it's him doing all the travelling. Maybe he just wants to see his mum and dad and stay put. Maybe he didn't know you weren't around in which case it's not a snub at all, just bad luck. Maybe your mum wanted some time with him and his family alone, if you're lucky to be nearer to them you might have seen them more frequently than he. It's not about you in this instance.

Bluntness100 · 29/06/2021 15:57

It’s not very nice to say they only come to you becayse they want free food.

HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst · 29/06/2021 15:59

If he only comes down about twice a year, and you visit him but not as often as he comes down, that's not really very much visiting going on either way is it?
Yes, YABU - if feel you've missed out this time, arrange to go see him. Simple.

AliceLivesHere · 29/06/2021 15:59

@3scape

You've seen your parents, as have your children. If you want to spend time with your brother organise it for when you're not on holiday?
Yes.

He lives away @catsarebetter perhaps he wants some time with his parents and his child without you. Why should you ALWAYS be there.

YABVVVU he isn't.

Killahangilion · 29/06/2021 16:00

Gosh OP, quit the dramatics.
Why does it all have to revolve around you?

How often do your children see your parents?
Maybe he’d like his child to spend some quality time with their grandparents without you and your kids being around?

As a grandparent with DGC overseas, I try to spend quality time with both sets of adult DC separately as well as together when we visit them.

TatianaBis · 29/06/2021 16:01

Why on earth can he not see your parents without you OP?

I'd be annoyed to always have a sibling thrown in.

And there's no reason why you can't go and visit him and stay in a B&B you just cba.

caringcarer · 29/06/2021 16:03

Maybe his chil will enjoy getting all attention from Grandma as your children can do this far more. Why not make the effort to visit your dB and his family or suggest as joint holiday or camping trip so cousins can play together.

NessieMcNessface · 29/06/2021 16:05

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. I think that’s because I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling second best to my older brother in spite of the fact that I did far more for my parents that he did. He remained the firm favourite regardless of what support I offered and this caused unbelievable resentment to build up in me without me even realising it. It took me a long time to understand and process the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy I had, which were exacerbated by both my mother and my brother; I always felt left out whenever we were all together, especially when I was hosting, to the point that I tried to avoid those situations arising. So, sorry for going on, but I think it depends on your particular situation and the complexities that underpin your family dynamics if you follow me. I’m not sure you’d be posting if this was a ‘one off’ so I’m wondering if there’s more to it?

Holly60 · 29/06/2021 16:10

Could you not see if he is free to come stay at yours another time? Or you bite the bullet and book an air bnb so you can visit him? I would try to forge a relationship with him that isn’t based around your parents

Bibidy · 29/06/2021 16:10

@NessieMcNessface

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. I think that’s because I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling second best to my older brother in spite of the fact that I did far more for my parents that he did. He remained the firm favourite regardless of what support I offered and this caused unbelievable resentment to build up in me without me even realising it. It took me a long time to understand and process the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy I had, which were exacerbated by both my mother and my brother; I always felt left out whenever we were all together, especially when I was hosting, to the point that I tried to avoid those situations arising. So, sorry for going on, but I think it depends on your particular situation and the complexities that underpin your family dynamics if you follow me. I’m not sure you’d be posting if this was a ‘one off’ so I’m wondering if there’s more to it?
I do have sympathy for OP as she's clearly upset and would like to see her brother, and she feels left out of these plans.

BUT it's not like he's coming over from abroad for just those 3 days. He only lives 2.5 hours away, OP could literally arrange to see him any weekend if she wanted to. It's not like this 3-day visit is her only opportunity to see him...it's just the easiest opportunity to see him.

Mayaspecialist · 29/06/2021 16:13

So your brother told your mum he was visiting.

And you are annoyed your mother didn't try to get him to arrange his plans, to a time they suit you?

If you want to see him, arrange sometime to see him.

They don't have to plan every trip around you

Moonface123 · 29/06/2021 16:31

It wouldnt bother me, you will get to see him another time. Families are all so busy, you have to be flexible.

MargaretThursday · 29/06/2021 16:32

We don't tend to go and visit him as it would mean a hotel stay or going there and back all in one day.

My ILs are 2.5hours away and it's more than possible to go up and come back in one day. Yes, even with 3 dc.
I suspect his feeling is if you cared then you'd have gone and seen him at some point rather than always expecting him to go to you.
Did you genuinely think it would be right for your dm to say to him: "You can't come that weekend, Cats is away"? That would be a great way to make him feel second best.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/06/2021 16:32

Are you in one of those families, whose mum / parents have created an unspoken rule that communication between their children should go through them?

Time to realise that you’re an adult and be more proactive. You knew they would come up at some stage. You’re blaming other people rather than realising that you are letting these situations happen.

YouLookSoCool · 29/06/2021 16:39

I think you're over reacting. There's no reason at all why he can't see your parents without you.

Nietzschethehiker · 29/06/2021 16:44

I fully admit that Dsis and I do not get on but it would be the same if we did. It drives me mad that she insists on appearing everytime I visit my DP. In fairness in her case its because she feels the need to be included in everything but that's the batshit part specific to my Dsis. If I wanted to visit my dsis I would but its an annoyance that she seems to think she is automatically included when I want to see my DP. Especially given that she doesn't see them from one week to the next. Barely answers their calls but then suddenly insists in being part of my visit. I genuinely wouldn't turn a hair if it was every so often (to be fair I would have no right its my DP house they can do what they like in their own home)) but it has become a pain that its every time.

I would be rather pleased if she went away while I was visiting . Even in functional families I can't see this being a big deal.

DP brothers actually genuinely like each other but they don't include themselves automatically in family visits. They don't visit us either due to distance (not an issue for any of us Everyone understands) but if they expected us to include them in every visit to their DM I think DP would just laugh and ask them why they though they were King of the world Grin

Doublestar · 29/06/2021 16:44

Sounds like he wants his one child to have some one on one time with their gp's. Maybe your three usually command the attention?

Pipsquiggle · 29/06/2021 16:49

So I live about 3.5 hours away from my family - parents, my brother & sister. Usually my parents come down to us to stay as they are retired. When we go north I stay with my DP or DB. We always tell each other when we are coming so we can have a meal together - if we can all make it great, if we can't too bad - we all have lives to lead. If we can get a date that suits us all, we might go with that but usually a date is agreed between 2 parties (us & DP) and then the rest informed.

Seeing your brother twice a year doesn't sound a lot. Maybe you should increase the frequency so that when you miss each other, it's not such a big deal

FeckingPuddleDuck · 29/06/2021 16:53

YABU obviously.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/06/2021 16:57

@Doublestar

Sounds like he wants his one child to have some one on one time with their gp's. Maybe your three usually command the attention?
This is a very good point. I have read so many threads where the sibling, who lives just round the corner from the GPs won’t stay away. In consequence the visiting op and their dc(s) aren’t able to form a bond with their grandparents.

The world doesn’t revolve around you op. It is very selfish to think your brother and his child shouldn’t see his parents when you’re not around. Maybe they even planned it this way judging by your ott reaction.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/06/2021 17:10

You don’t make the effort to go and see him so I can see why he’s not bothered. Not sure how you can be upset to miss the visit when you don’t bother visiting him.

Youdiditanyway · 29/06/2021 17:15

Guessing you see your parents more often than he does because you live closer to them, right? So he’s not always involved when you see them, not sure why you expect to be involved every time he visits them. Bit weird.

Bluntness100 · 29/06/2021 17:26

Do you go over to your mothers when they are there op or do you give them time alone?

The crying seems excessive, I’m wondering if this is what a previous poster said a fear of missing out and potentially some sibling rivalry.you can’t be arsed making the effort to see them, but desperately need to be included when they see your parents to the extent you’re sitting crying because you won’t be involved and they will be together without you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread