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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset over not being mentioned.

130 replies

catsarebetter · 29/06/2021 12:37

Ok, not the most serious thing in the world but just wanted peoples thoughts on whether I am being over sensitive.
My brother lives 2.5 hours away from the rest of the family. He has a one child, I have 3, so when he comes to visit (which he hasn't for ages because of lockdowns) he always stays with my parents who are 10 minutes up the road from me. We don't tend to go and visit him as it would mean a hotel stay or going there and back all in one day.
He has just told my mum that he's coming up in August for 3 days, which is when me, DH and DC are on holiday, my mum knew this but didn't think it was worth telling him. We always all get together whenever he comes up and normally they all come to mine for a big meal. I thought it might be relevant that I wasn't around but my mum just very bluntly put it "well you can't see him them because you're away". My brother doesn't seem very bothered that we're not here either.
It just makes me feel like I'm not very important to them, that really he's just coming to see my parents but if I'm on hand to provide a meal then great but if I'm not, then never mind. I burst into tears when I came off the phone from my mum, then started to question whether I should be upset.
What do you think?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 29/06/2021 12:47

@WombatStewForTea

Sounds that he isn't as bothered about seeing you as you are him. Stop making the effort if people don't make it back
He is the one who makes the effort to travel to visit!
Mrsjayy · 29/06/2021 12:48

2.5 hours away isn't exactly the end of the earth is it.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 29/06/2021 12:48

The road’s the same length both ways.

Marmite27 · 29/06/2021 12:50

As the further away sibling, I really appreciate it when my brother keeps his kids away from Granny and Grandad occasionally when we visit so my kids can have them to themselves.

As we live far away, we don’t get one on one time like they do, and I’m grateful he acknowledges it. Perhaps your brother wants to visit your parents without you being there?

GlitchStitch · 29/06/2021 12:50

You live 10 minutes away from your parents. Maybe he wants a chance for alone time with them and for his child to get some one to one time with their grandparents.

araiwa · 29/06/2021 12:51

Cancel your holiday

VettiyaIruken · 29/06/2021 12:51

It's just bad timing.

But maybe it will be nice for them to get to spend some time together. After all, you get time with your parents regularly. Maybe it will be nice for them to have that with their other child and his family for once.

You can see them next time they come up. Or even book into a hotel where they live.

QforCucumber · 29/06/2021 12:52

DH brother, wife and their kids also live just under 3 hours from us.

They call sometimes and say 'we are coming up this weekend', they stay with the In laws.

If we are free then yes it's fab to see them, if we aren't then yes it's disappointing but noone ever takes it personally. You're definitely being way overdramatic about this.

GiantWingedWaspMoth · 29/06/2021 12:52

Would you rearrange your holidays in order to for in with his plans?

If not, then surely you can't expect him to rearrange his to fit in with yours.

FinallyHere · 29/06/2021 12:52

What outcome would you have wanted?

That your DB not see his parents (and grandchildren/grandparents) because you would not be there. Have him rearrange his visit? Would you have cancelled your holiday.

This really isn't about you

DeathStare · 29/06/2021 12:53

Stop making the effort if people don't make it back
The OP doesnt make an effort, @WombatStewForTea, her brother is the one who makes the effort.

2.5 hours away isn't exactly the end of the earth is it
This with bells on. And it's just over an hour if you meet in the middle. Loads of people travel that daily.

DavidTheDog · 29/06/2021 12:55

I would interpret your reaction as a sign that the current relationship between you and your brother isn't as you'd like it to be.

TheoMeo · 29/06/2021 12:55

Are you actually close? Are you texting/ messaging emailing about stuff regularly?
I suspect you aren't really and though you presumed growing up together gave you a bond - he doesn't see it that way.

sassbott · 29/06/2021 12:55

You burst into tears over this? Seriously?
Why are you making your brothers visit to his parents about you?

Zari29 · 29/06/2021 12:56

From his point of view, it’s all one way isn’t it? And then he doesn’t get to see your parents without you?

I think this is it. When does he get to spend time with your parents just him and is family? Maybe your dm also just wants to spend time with him and his dc alone as well, given that you are just 10 min away.

Bibidy · 29/06/2021 12:56

Tbh OP, if you only see each other twice a year I'd say that your brother probably just comes whenever suits him and it's just happened that you've been available until now?

I can see why you feel a bit hurt but tbh if you want to see him I do think you could all (including him!) make a bit more effort. 2.5hrs is not that long, and you could always meet up for a day out in the middle or something.

trevthecat · 29/06/2021 12:57

You don't make the effort to see him but are crying because he is visiting when you are away?

You need to make more effort with the relationship, not him

Kittybelle123 · 29/06/2021 12:57

We are the furthest away from my parents. Siblings children get much time with the grandparents and so, when we visit, it is lovely if my DC get time alone with their grandparents.

2.5 hours really is not that far - as others have said, you could easily find somewhere to meet in the middle.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 29/06/2021 12:57

So do you literally never go visit him?

It's very one sided. Can you not squeeze into his home when you visit? When I visit my sister & her family, the 4 kids all pile into one room together (they love it!) & DH and I can go on an airbed anywhere, it's fine for a night.

whynotwhatknot · 29/06/2021 12:58

Why dont you make the effort this year and go and see him for a change-hes always the one to come your way yet you say you love seeing him but its easy for you isnt it

Notonthestairs · 29/06/2021 13:01

We do the same as @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I don't think it's fair to expect one family to do all the travelling or all the hosting so we mix it up (yes sometimes that means a travelodge)

You've overreacted and aren't really prepared to be flexible with your meet ups.

zafferana · 29/06/2021 13:03

I think if the only time you see him at the moment is when he comes down to visit then you really can't complain that he comes when it suits him/your parents (who he stays with). I'm sure that ideally he'd see you too, but if that's the three days that he has off or that suits his family, then that's when he's going to visit.

I'm in a similar situation to your DB and when we visit my DPs we stay with them. If I see other family members at the same time it's a bonus, but I don't time my visits around their comings/goings, I check that it's okay with my DPs and that's it. If other family members are away it wouldn't stop us visiting at that time, even if it was a shame to miss them.

Aprilx · 29/06/2021 13:06

I think you have got a bit of a nerve to be honest. You can’t be arsed to go and visit him because it is 2.5 hours, the 2.5 hours works both ways. If my sibling expected me to always go and see them (and we are more than 205 hours apart), I am afraid I would wonder why I bother too. If you want a better relationship you need to think about how you might be coming across and make a bit more of an effort yourself.

TheGlassBlowersDaughter · 29/06/2021 13:07

You never visit him but are upset that this time (because you've booked a holiday) he won't visit you. Yy YABU. Presumably if you didn't live 10 mins from your parents, you and your DB would never see each other at all. You haven't put any effort in to maintain a relationship.

Original poster
catsarebetter · 29/06/2021 13:08
  1. It's not a bank holiday when he's coming up. I never said it was.
  2. We do go and see him so I do make the effort but not as frequent as he comes to see us.
  3. I can't change a holiday, well of course I could cancel, but I'm not, so I can see the point that if his visit was that important to me then I would. It was more the point that I wasn't even thought about.

Yes, I obviously should make more of an effort.

OP posts: