Aibu to think most people don't smack their children

[sqirrelfriends]

So I just read a daily mail article (I know it's trash, please don't judge me) that's saying that experts are calling for smacking to be banned in England.

The comments section really surprised me, I don't know anyone who smacks their kids but it's overflowing with people saying that its the only way to control children and that half the prison population are there because they weren't smacked. Anyone saying that its wrong to physically punish a child is downvoted into oblivion.

Am I wrong to think this should have been illegal a long time ago? It's just seems wrong to be and my understanding was that kids who have been hit are more likely to be violent themselves.

@user1473450164

I'm in my 40's and I was certainly smacked as a child. The only thing I remember is the smacking, not why I was smacked. I have never smacked my kids, I know a mixed bag of parents, most have not, and I believe them. A few I know probably do but I hope not regularly. It's certainly more prevalent in certain cultures and is still accepted. My husband is Asian, he smacked our daughter once when she was much younger and has not done it again as he got quite an enormous mouthful from me. But I still think underneath it all, he thinks it's acceptable as do many people from his culture.

Interesting. My husband is Asian (British Indian) and grew up in a household with a lot of physical abuse, from his father to the kids and father to mother. He has grown up with the opinion that smacking is abhorrent and I'm pretty sure if I ever did it to our son he'd be on the verge of leaving me with him. As I would him. I could not trust him to parent our child if I found out he was capable of hitting him.

I’ve smacked hands when mine were small to reinforce dangerous activities being out of bounds, ie darting towards the road etc. But now they’re older I wouldn’t snack. I had an awakening a few years ago that I was parenting in a similar way to my mother and actually I didn’t want to do that. So I took a parenting course and did better.

Neither me nor DH ever smacked DD. It's just wrong and more to do with parents venting frustration than teaching a child how to behave.

My dear mother was regularly whacked round the head as a child. As a result she developed epilepsy and was plagued by grand mal fits all her life

@lovelybitofsquirrell

Personally detest smacking. I was never smacked as child and would never lay my hands on mine.

I have only one friend who openly admits to smacking. Her reasoning is she doesn't smack hard enough to leave a mark and a tap instilled the right amount of fear and respect.

Fear, maybe, and what great parenting to want your children to be frightened of you. If it's hard enough to scare them, it's probably not the "tap" that hitters always say it is.

Respect, no way. Respect needs to be earned and it's very distinct from fear. Its not surprising that a hitter doesn't know the difference. Your child might be too scared to respond to you but that doesn't mean they think you're a great person.

I don't know if it depends on social background or other aspects but I don't believe anyone I know smacks their kids. We are all quite middle class, well educated though.

Weathersystem,

My husband was bought up in similar, with quite an abusive father. He does view the violence negatively and does not have the greatest relationship with his dad. I wish his view was more like your husbands. My mouthful involved me saying that if he laid a finger on her again I would not think twice to leave him and take our daughter with me as she would not be safe with him. It was 6 years ago and not happened since. My daughter would tell me if he had, so I do trust him not to now. But I think he doesn't fully disagree with others doing it.

I’m a childminder and a parent to 2. They are only quite little still (3 and 1) but I’ve never hit either of them and like to think I never will.

Plenty of the minded children’s parents have admitted to hitting their children over the years, and those who don’t admit it it’s often quite clear from how their children treat the others when they make mistakes/ are doing things the child perceives to be wrong.

My dad hit me often as a child and I would still cross him often. My mum rarely hit me but her words carried more weight and I’d never have done anything to deliberately upset or anger her, out of mutual respect and the fact I was grateful that she always was fair to me and my siblings. I think with smacking there will always come and point where the child realises they can fight back, and what do you do then? Hit harder?

I was amazed as a child, but only of weeks ignored all the warnings. I'm not emotionally scarred by it at all. I have no doubt it was fully deserved.

Not read the thread.

I hate smacking.

If someone smacked me I would go to the police. Yet it’s ok for an stronger, bigger adult to smack a child.

And anyone who trots out the bollocks about it teaching children need to read a book or two about child development and how children learn to behave. The science simply does not back up smacking.

@user1473450164

Weathersystem,

My husband was bought up in similar, with quite an abusive father. He does view the violence negatively and does not have the greatest relationship with his dad. I wish his view was more like your husbands. My mouthful involved me saying that if he laid a finger on her again I would not think twice to leave him and take our daughter with me as she would not be safe with him. It was 6 years ago and not happened since. My daughter would tell me if he had, so I do trust him not to now. But I think he doesn't fully disagree with others doing it.

It's hard to change ingrained beliefs that you've grown up with culturally. I'm glad that your husband doesn't do it even though he doesn't disagree with it. At least he recognises that it isn't acceptable to you as a family, with is something.

I'm 31 and was smacked as a child. I would not ever and have never smacked mine.

I was smacked occasionally as a child. I did smack DDs occasionally but certainly didn't set out to or see it as a good or desirable punishment, and neither is shouting at them occasionally which I was also doing. I was losing my temper and needed to change something in myself and could do better. For me, asking myself why I was doing it lead to quite a big lifestyle change to reduce stress levels and get more/better sleep and address my depression and anxiety.

I was smacked as a child.
My parents allowed other adults to also smack us. For example my mums friend once belted me so hard around the legs the inside of my knees were bruised from hitting each other. I can’t remember why she hit me and it probably didn’t stop me from doing whatever she deemed unacceptable either.
We would get smacked for not doing chores, homework, talking back, taking food without asking etc etc.

I am expecting my first child and don’t plan on using smacking in my parenting however I know some of my siblings resort to it.
I asked my sister once why she felt the need to smack her daughter. She said it’s not a smack it’s a spank and how else will she know that what she is doing is wrong.

I don’t have a good relationship with my mother and the smacking is one of the reasons I just remember her been so quick to raise her hand. She would do this sucking of her teeth and biting of her tongue too while she did it. I just remember thinking how deranged she looked and I never want my kid to look at me like that

Nope, never laid a finger on them. Worst thing I did was throw school shoes across the room and it accidentally hit DS in the face. I was mortified and felt so, so guilty. I threw them towards his general direction because he kept ignoring me when I was asking him to get them on and we were already running late. That’s probably the worst thing I’ve done parenting wise. Never hit them, never would.

My former step-dad hit me a lot as a child, it was physical abuse and I’ve required a lot of counselling as an adult.

I've occasionally smacked my children and generally regretted it (except when my daughter thought it was funny to run on the road and didn't respond to a telling off).

None of my smacks were with more force than a patticake tap, so more a shock than any level of pain.

I was smacked by my parents which was normal at the time. I bear them no grudges as the smacks were either administered for discipline (Dad) or out of being at the end of her tether (Mum).

I think saying nasty things on the heat of the moment can be just as damaging as a small smack, of I'm honest. Neither are ideal forms of parenting, but none of us are perfect.

Also meant to say, have asked many children that I've taught of they've been smacked and many have. Many were also smacked at religious schools that took place after school.

of = if

I think saying nasty things on the heat of the moment can be just as damaging as a small smack, of I'm honest. Neither are ideal forms of parenting, but none of us are perfect.

Completely agree. Never underestimate the power of words to leave a Mark far longer than a smack. To be truly proud of your parenting it’s important for the children to have an environment that’s free of emotional turmoil as well as physical abuse. That includes both parents displaying to the children a kind and supportive relationship even if they are no longer together.

Smacking is wrong and ineffective, and I don't smack my DCs for those reasons.

At the same time I have (twice in 12 years). I just got caught by surprise when I was already struggling to remain patient. I was horrified with myself each time and apologised.

So do I count as someone who smacks my children or don't I? I suspect there is a continuum in practice between never have and never will on one end, and endless abuse on the other. Over time more and more people are moving away from using it, whether from 'smacks regularly' to 'smacks occasionally', or from rarely to never. I hope so, anyway.

I received I think 3 smacks as a child and my parents apologised each time. I had been very naughty at the time. I have not smacked my children but my exh smacked eldest son once. I told him if he ever did it again we would be leaving him. He never did it again. I think it is mainly older people who used to be smacked themselves who may still smack their child. I once confronted a lady in a shop who slapped her child really hard because he was whining for sweets. After I did this another man came forward and told her to stop it too. This child looked about 3 or 4.

And yes, emotional abuse is as bad as physical.

If, like me you have come from a family that smack and are not smacking your own children.
How have you approached this with family in regards to telling them not to smack your child.
I know if I said to my family if they were going to be looking after the child (which in all honesty I don’t see happening) not to smack they would say the right things like ‘we never would’ ‘I wouldn’t dream of it’ etc but I wouldn’t trust that they wouldn’t lose their patience or hit out as it is so ingrained in them.

I think saying nasty things on the heat of the moment can be just as damaging as a small smack, of I'm honest.

You mean "hitting". Yes, but we rarely hear people telling us that calling their kids names or whatever is just another form of parenting, that there's no other way to correct their behaviour, that it never did them any harm, that it's in any way a good thing.

As for "the heat of the moment", well that's just an absolute parenting fail and the fact that "none of us is perfect" doesn't make it OK, or right to downplay it. Presumably one of the things we are trying to teach our children is how to handle their own anger and frustration?

For context (if relevant) I've probably smacked my daughter 3 times and my son once. They are 15 and 10, so well past the smacking years.