DS split from rest of friends in school

[Melmanmartygloria]

New classes came out on Monday for next year, my child has a group of 3 friends who he sees regularly on weekends and play dates and they've been in the same class since reception, the other 3 will be in the same class and he has been changed to the other class, he came home in floods of tears has been upset all night and this morning has refused to go to school would not get out of bed crying hasn't eaten breakfast saying why have I been changed. I took my other 2 to school and spoke to his teacher and the head and got met with the same response which was basically suck it up we won't be changing.
He attended school throughout lockdown as I was a key worker and adjusted really well with new people but still only wanted to see his regular friends when allowed again they do have a really special bond especially with one of them. Hes fantastic at his school work I never have to even tell him he will do his work before any type of play, never been in any trouble at school and always does extra work such as competitions.
What shall I do?
Headteacher was very short with me this morning saying there's no changing.
He went to school yesterday as a happy child and literally over night has turned in to a anxious worried child thinking they've done something wrong and fully refused to go. The only way I could of gotten him to school would of been to drag.
I'm at a loss please any advice

This is very sad for your son. My DS was asked, at the age of 7 to pick three friends and was told he should get at least one of them in his class next year when he moved to high school. He didn't get a single one of his friends. I was furious that they made each child think about and write down some names and then totally ignored my son's choices. My DS (now 25) still remembers the perceived unfairness and his feelings of being left out. It has affected him. I understand it is difficult for schools but, equally, these decisions can have lasting effects.

A good life lesson I think. Things don't always go how you want.

@Melmanmartygloria

He's 9. His friends are also very upset that he's been moved to the other class he was crying yesterday at the end of school and this morning they were waiting for him but he didn't go. Like I said he doesn't have a problem adjusting he went to school happily without them all of last year but to deliberately split him off from the rest really has hurt him

If he doesn’t have a problem adjusting then I don’t see what the problem is.

He hasn’t become “an anxious and worried child” overnight. Stop throwing labels at this to make it sound worse then it is. He is having a normal reaction for a 9yr old boy but will get over it. He will do this quicker if he has a calm and reassuring Mum, helping him see the opportunity for what it is. In 2 yrs he has to move on and mix anyway. This is good preparation.

I'd raise merry hell (politely). As a pp said, you're his advocate. This is exactly the sort of thing that can turn a child off education for life. I think building resilience extremely important but this sounds as though it will crush him.

@kindaclassy

It's a very poor move and bad management from the school, but sadly there's nothing you can do about it.

Try to organise something with people from the new class if you can, day out somewhere. Insist on the friendships out of school from clubs with different people.

It sucks, but you can help him see it's not the end of the world.

How is it bad management from the school? They can’t be expected to keep every single friendship group together. Perhaps they have selected the OPs son to go in another class because he has shown more resilience? In which case it’s a great decision which she should take as a compliment. But of course we don’t know the schools reasons and you therefore cannot call them out on bad management.

@CoddledAsAMommet

I'd raise merry hell (politely). As a pp said, you're his advocate. This is exactly the sort of thing that can turn a child off education for life. I think building resilience extremely important but this sounds as though it will crush him.

And how would you suggest OP helps her son to develop resilience in this situation?

(a) keep him off school, raising merry hell with school staff, and accept that his education is doomed from this point forward

OR

(b) acknowledge it's disappointing, talk it over, plan some nice activities to cheer him up a little, and make an effort to get to know some of the parents of his new classmates

When I was 9, we moved country and I never saw anyone again. Not great at the time, but we coped

I am sorry this has happened to your son.

I would encourage him to see it as a positive because it gives him an opportunity to meet new friends.
I have always found class teachers are better than head of years and the school heads in dealing with this kind of problem. I would mention to the class teacher that you son is sad about this decision and you would appreciate any support she can give him until the end of term to make him happy about his new class.
Teachers hear and see what we as parents don't.

There will be reasons behind why they have done this.

Muchasgracias
No one is asking them to keep all the friendship groups together, but it's disgusting to isolate ONE child.

because he has shown more resilience?
so basically he's being punished for it? What a great lesson.

After months of lockdown especially, it's at best lazy, or just poor planning. They couldn't make it clearer they don't care about that child.

You should have made him go to school. Letting him stay off has made it seem a bigger deal than it really is.

Schools do this all the time for all sorts of reasons - to ensure an even mix of abilities, to separate undesirable groupings, to foster resilience, etc.

In my children's school they separated a pair of twins one year because one twin was so unhealthily reliant on the other one, and so clingy, her brother wasn't getting the chance to be his own person and develop relationships with other children.

My ds is 9 and this happened to us last year (so when ds was 8). Initially he was a bit upset about it, but I didn't make a fuss and we looked at the positives.

He does play with his group of best friends a lot at play time etc, but he's also made lots of new friends and frequently comes home and tells me about a new friend he's played with. I've been really impressed with how he's handling it, given that he went into that class in September straight from lockdown & school hols.

I feel there will be reasons behind it (and I feel I know the reason in our case), but I really do feel that is his acceptance of the situation is very much down to how you handle this.

Ok well this has happened to my son every year at school and the amount of parents that kick off and complain that there child is separate from friends is crazy school is for learning playtime he will still play with them all its just another life lesson you can't always get what you want, also it is good for children to make friends outside of there group

I do agree with others though, don't tell him how you feel. Keep quiet about it and big it up. I have done this for my son, even though I don't agree with how it's been handled. He may be absolutely fine 🤷

I can promise you that the school put a lot of thought into these decisions. They have to produce groupings in the best interests of all teh children.
Your DS's extreme reaction suggests that possibly they are concerned that your ds is overly dependent on these 3 kids, and struggles to make new friends outside this little friendship group .I

I thought children stayed in the same class from
The beginning of junior school which is aged 7 to last year of junior school which is 10 or 11. They would change teachers but not classes

My DC’s school has a weird set up so they basically switch classes every single year, they’ve never been in the exact same class twice. It’s a smaller school than usual with 45 per year rather than the standard 60 and they’ve always chopped and changed who goes where. Unsure why, just the way they do it. My DC have always adapted to their new classes and still play with the same friends at playtime. Your DS will get to play with them still I’m guessing? His time in class is for learning rather than socialising anyway so I don’t think it’s a huge deal personally.

My DC moved schools entirely 3 years ago so had to make totally new friends. Children are resilient.

@Dohrehmee all schools are different. Lots of schools have mixed year classes so that would never work.

school is for learning

School is for socialising, school is for learning but there are many ways and areas of learning.

School is not a prison with children having to sit on a chair and no interaction with anyone all day, even if Covid has changed the classrooms for the time being.

Mixing class is fine, but again, you are willingly ignoring that it's ONE child only who is being isolated, and that's not acceptable.

You could ask to speak to the school to find out their reasoning. It would be useful for you to understand how and why they mix up the classes but don't "complain until they move him" because they won't and it will do your son no benefit.

It could be that he is working at a different level to the other 3. They put classes together of children who work well together so I would assume that he doesn't learn well when with the other 3. Perhaps he takes a back seat and allows them to think for him. Maybe he dominates and they don't think for themselves?

Are you sure he isn't friends with any of the others he has put with? He is moving until year 5, he must know some of the others well. I would put my efforts into arranging some playdates with his new classmates.

I wouldn't have allowed him day off.

I think he will just have to get used to the school rules,,and not be crying , and refusing to go to school at his age. It's quite ridiculous really.

@1forAll74

I think he will just have to get used to the school rules,,and not be crying , and refusing to go to school at his age. It's quite ridiculous really.

You go through more than a year of pandemic and lockdown at 9 years old, and you come back to tell us how you feel then, will you?

If you don't like children, what are you doing on this forum, and why do you bother posting on this thread.

In the nicest possible way I think you have handled this badly OP. It's understandable your child was upset but you should have been super positive about the opportunity of new friends etc and not gone marching into school to complain

I agree with this. My sons were in a 3 form entry school and they started mixing classes for years 2,4, and 6 and then decided that they would do it every year if there was a need.

So many things are taken into consideration from ability, to SEND and support, ratios of girls v boys, talents, widening friendships (some friendship can be exclusionary in the classroom) and increasing social skills. Of course there are unhappy parents and children every year but no staff member sits there rubbing their hands deliberately making a child upset.

Children need to learn things don't always go their way and learn resilience. It is good training for secondary school from children attending different schools, or if they are in the same school they may be in different halves of the year. If they are lucky they may be in the same forms groups but are then split into set ability, then by year 9 they may well be in their option sets.

You should have pushed this as am opportunity to make new friends as well as keeping the old ones. Imagine if now 20 parents go in and demand their children are moved classes. Who goes where? Who decides which parents gets to place their child where they want to be? I have seen the process and I sure as hell wouldn't want to do it.

Sorry your DS hasn't been put in a class with his three closest friends. That must have been a shock for him but may feel worse for you because as an adult, we often look ahead to the knock-on effect and worry about how we will also be excluded from the after school chats, shared experiences etc. As others have said, it's entirely possible that the friendship between the four boys plays out differently in class or that the school noticed your DS was very different when he was in school during lockdown and socialised with a wider range of children.

Ordinarily, I'd be advising you to run with it and to encourage the friendship outside of school, at playtime etc but this year feels different. Lots of schools have kept classes apart at playtime and there have been limits on the number of people able to meet up. Because of this, I would ask the head in writing for the reason behind isolating your DS from his closest friends so you and he can understand the rationale. I'd also ask what will be put in place to ensure that in the event of further lockdowns or restrictions, your DS will still have access to the other three at playtime, lunch etc. so he has that guarantee.

I think it’s often trite to say situations like this build resilience, although they might in some cases.
It’s more likely that it will simply be a really horrible jolt for the child and an early intro to trauma they can do without.
I would ignore the fact that the school seem intransigent and push your point. Arrange a brief meeting with the head and explain the effect it’s had. Ask them if they had any particular reason to exclude him from his friendship group. Aim to get him back with his friends.

This happened to me and my friend and it was malicious. She ignored it and came to my class. Not sure many schools would be happy about that though and you would need a pretty brave 9 year old to do it. You know your child will settle without his friends but why should he have to? Surely the school will change their mind if the option is between attendance or absence? Resilience is a great thing, but it doesn't mean putting up with being unhappy. Standing up for yourself is just as important