DS split from rest of friends in school

[Melmanmartygloria]

New classes came out on Monday for next year, my child has a group of 3 friends who he sees regularly on weekends and play dates and they've been in the same class since reception, the other 3 will be in the same class and he has been changed to the other class, he came home in floods of tears has been upset all night and this morning has refused to go to school would not get out of bed crying hasn't eaten breakfast saying why have I been changed. I took my other 2 to school and spoke to his teacher and the head and got met with the same response which was basically suck it up we won't be changing.
He attended school throughout lockdown as I was a key worker and adjusted really well with new people but still only wanted to see his regular friends when allowed again they do have a really special bond especially with one of them. Hes fantastic at his school work I never have to even tell him he will do his work before any type of play, never been in any trouble at school and always does extra work such as competitions.
What shall I do?
Headteacher was very short with me this morning saying there's no changing.
He went to school yesterday as a happy child and literally over night has turned in to a anxious worried child thinking they've done something wrong and fully refused to go. The only way I could of gotten him to school would of been to drag.
I'm at a loss please any advice

Unfortunately from my experience, schools rarely change their minds on this, if ever. My children get mixed classes every year, and for introverts it’s particularly difficult, and despite the promise that my Dd can still play with her friends at playtime and lunch etc, she hasn’t really, and ends up making new friends each year, rather than building on existing friendships. That might sound like a good thing, but it can take her half the year to make a new friend, so by the time that happens, they aren’t far off from getting separated again. One year I specifically asked for my other Dd to be kept with her best friend and the school still split them, and when I questioned why, gave me no reason. They just said “oh but there are some lovely new girls in that class”.

Something similar happened to me when I was in my last year of primary, I was fine in the end and could still see friends at break and lunch.

It's sad he is upset but you and he are overreacting if he is this upset it shows he is too attached and needs some space.
He can still see them outside school. And probably break times.
Loads of kids have left my dc school over the years and more joined.
In fact friendships from preschool/reception etc are often based on the parents so it's good to get a new chance to make friends with similar kids as kids change too.
Lots of the kids at school are so stuck to the same groups they do need adjust and make new friendships - in our case ready for secondary. Though different kids would probably help that.
You are also being quite rude to challenge the head as at our dc school people are told in that the letter not to do this.
I however dont like that our school purposely separates close friends. As they are 'too close'.
Our kids havent changed for 3yrs now. Its been fine for mine but obviously some others are a bad mix

The same thing happened to my daughter a couple of years ago, her 3 friends were in the other class and she was on her own.
I personally feel there were reasons behind the decision to split her from her friends and trusted the schools decision. A lot of thought goes into how the classes are split, which child would do better with a particular teacher, keeping a mix of abilities in both classes. Maybe to also encourage new friendship groups.
I know it feels harsh right now but after a week or 2 in his new class he will be fine, he can still play at break and lunch with his friends.

Please please please don’t go in and complain instead try and be jolly and emphasise the positives.
We were those parents who tried to shield our DC from hurt and upset thinking we were being good parents.
Instead we have ended up with DC’s in their 20’s who have no resilience and still run to us with every little upset and expect us to sort it.
Use this time to show them they can cope with things.

He may not see his friends at break or lunchtimes. My DD, 9, is in a split year group, before lockdown all kids in all years could play & eat together. Now she can only play & eat with the kids in her individual class, about 25 children. AFAIK the school now eats in 2 or 3 sittings, separated & served sitting down, & playtimes are staggered.

You have to give your children the resilience to cope with change, the ability to feel disappointment but work through it positively. These are all skills that will serve them well through their life. Meeting new people, making new friends. Be supportive but don’t try and solve these adversities for them.

This is spot on.

This has happened to both my DDs several times, and was particularly damaging to DD1 (now 12). They’re both adopted, which means that they find change very difficult to cope with, but DD2 (now 9) has always had very loyal friends whereas DD1 really struggles to make friends as she has SEN as well as being adopted.

We’ve always highlighted this with the school, but it’s fallen on deaf ears. Now DD1 is in high school, so this is no longer relevant, and DD2 has adjusted to playing with her friends at break time.

Your DS will adjust to meeting up with his friends at play time and will hopefully make other friendships. He needs you to reassure him that he will be okay (whilst obviously empathising with his hurt).

This has happened to my daughter pretty much her entire time at junior school!
Each time she has made new friends and new school year comes around and she’s no longer in the same class.
End result is, she’s turned into a confident and approachable girl who is going into secondary this year with some nerves but her past experiences tell her that she’ll make friends.

Are you sure that your son's friends view the friendship group in the same way?

This used to happen when I was at school - we had to 'choose' who we wanted to be with - and they would take that into consideration. You don't know what goes on in school, and tbh if you make a huge thing of it he will too. Kids move classes/ schools all the time, sometimes you do just need to suck it up. As other posters have said, it builds resilience- if you let it.

OP you say they have separated him 'deliberately'. If they have there will be a good reason for it. Teachers won't do this for the sole purpose of upsetting your child. Or maybe it has not been deliberate they have just tried to build the best overall dynamic for the year group, it is a very difficult balance to get right. At 9 it will be good for him to learn how to manage hia disappointment in a healthy way aw these types of situations will come up again no doubt. Just make sure you are super positive whenever you talk anout it. If he sees you are upset/worried for him it will validate his own feeling of anxiety around the situation.

Good grief! What a lot of drama over something so minor!

He can still play with his friends at breaktime and after school/holidays. He will make some new friends in his new class.

Personally, I'd be bigging up the good stuff about the new class (nice classroom/nice teacher/whatever you can think of), and telling him how lucky he is/what a great time he will have etc. Behind the scenes, I'd be arranging a couple of playdates over the summer with some of the children that will be in his new class to give him a headstart on making new friends.

I wouldn't be validating his fears by telling him its a shame or unfair etc, and I certainly wouldn't be expecting the school to reshuffle all their classes just so that he can be with his friends. Imagine if they did that for every child!

This happened to my son, separated from best friend. The other childs mum expressed surprise so I'm thinking it wasn't requested. I spoke to his then teacher who said what others have said about seeing after school or break times so i didn't want to cause a fuss....and then covid hit. He has seen this friend (who they bonded with like yours, in reception) about 3 times since, his friend has 'moved on'. My son was very down for the 3 terms when he was actually at school as he likes to have close connections with only 1 or 2 people and they take a while to form. Despite at the end of the first year my request for him to be moved, it was again denied and heart breaking to see how lonely and miserable he was and how his self esteem which had always been fragile was being even more eroded and he acted out at home. It took another term at the school (and some new children) to make some other good friends.
Everyone would say 'no one saw covid coming' which is true, but actually I would say that this is a reason you should see if he can be moved in case there are more bubbles/lockdowns. Good luck.

@Fairyliz

Please please please don’t go in and complain instead try and be jolly and emphasise the positives. We were those parents who tried to shield our DC from hurt and upset thinking we were being good parents. Instead we have ended up with DC’s in their 20’s who have no resilience and still run to us with every little upset and expect us to sort it. Use this time to show them they can cope with things.

Very true. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give our children is to show that we have faith in them to cope with adversity. And this, not to put too fine a point on it, is extremely minor adversity.

DC's school mixed the classes every year. Friends are often separated. The result is a much wider mix of friendships.

At 9, friendship groups change a lot anyway. It's highly likely that his "group of friends since Reception" would have split up in any case.

I'm afraid you've handled this badly - tell him it's a great opportunity to make new friends whilst still seeing the old. The fact he's in floods of tears suggests that maybe splitting him from his friends is a good idea ... simply moving classes shouldn't cause so much angst.

His upset is natural, but you should have been positive and sent him in today. By letting him stay off school you are making it into more of a drama than necessary.

I think people saying that it is a minor adversity are being rather flippant. At age 9 this will be one of the most important things in his life. You dont know the child or what they have already been through which might affect how well/badly they handle it. Some children cope with big change a lot more easily than others.

I do understand as the same thing was done to me but i did get over it-whats going to happen in secondary though when theyre split all the time

@CelestialGalaxy

I think people saying that it is a minor adversity are being rather flippant. At age 9 this will be one of the most important things in his life. You dont know the child or what they have already been through which might affect how well/badly they handle it. Some children cope with big change a lot more easily than others.

Of course it's upsetting for the child. But, in the scheme of things it is minor and the child needs to be helped to realise this, not have his mother marching into school and demanding things are changed and be allowed to stay off school because he's unhappy.

I think it's unfair. Yes it could build resilience, however I'm pretty sure the past 18 months will have done that.

They have been in the same class since reception, they are a tight knit bunch I think they should either have split them evenly or not split them.

Your poor DS.

I do think it is relatively minor. But can be hard if the child say already knows they dont get on with the boys in the other class

my 9yo was friends and wants to be friends with one dc but they are friends with another and my dc is pretty much excluded. The other 2 are at playdates all the time etc.

Have I read this correct, he didn’t go to school because of this? If so, that is wrong.

I envy all of you whose schools mix classes up. It's so much better for developing social skills and preventing unhelpful friendship dynamics.

I'd be angry as hell if it was the same situation as this year in our school where the same year group classes are not EVER allowed to mingle - not at breaktime, lunchtime and even before/after school. It's been absolutely fucking cruel on the kids split up from their friends after all the covid isolation to be completely banned from even mixing on the yard and the Head does not care one bit. No issue with mixing up the classes, but doing that and doing single class bubbles and not year group ones was fucking cruel as shit.

(On waiting list for a different school now)

But secondary is 2 more years of emotional development away.
My son is ok now, but he is still the same child and if/when he is separated from his new friend I can guarentee that he will be devastated again. He will play with other children but he doesnt get the same level of emotional connection/comfort with them as he does from having a best friend and he seems to need this to thrive. Hopefully next time it won't take another15 months to find a replacement.