DS split from rest of friends in school

[Melmanmartygloria]

New classes came out on Monday for next year, my child has a group of 3 friends who he sees regularly on weekends and play dates and they've been in the same class since reception, the other 3 will be in the same class and he has been changed to the other class, he came home in floods of tears has been upset all night and this morning has refused to go to school would not get out of bed crying hasn't eaten breakfast saying why have I been changed. I took my other 2 to school and spoke to his teacher and the head and got met with the same response which was basically suck it up we won't be changing.
He attended school throughout lockdown as I was a key worker and adjusted really well with new people but still only wanted to see his regular friends when allowed again they do have a really special bond especially with one of them. Hes fantastic at his school work I never have to even tell him he will do his work before any type of play, never been in any trouble at school and always does extra work such as competitions.
What shall I do?
Headteacher was very short with me this morning saying there's no changing.
He went to school yesterday as a happy child and literally over night has turned in to a anxious worried child thinking they've done something wrong and fully refused to go. The only way I could of gotten him to school would of been to drag.
I'm at a loss please any advice

When I moved up to upper school my three best friends were kept together and I was in a separate class. After a miserable first term the four of us went to see the head of year and he authorised a move for me. Don't be put off.

I voted YABU OP and simply because I think these decisions will get made on a wider level to balance classes/ personalities/ abilities out. Teachers can also see dynamics within classrooms that parents cannot. All of my children at some point were split from their friends in primary as years grew. It was tough but I focussed on the positives and they built new friendships.

In two years they will transition to secondary and there will be so much movement (from different sets to changing seating arrangements), your DS needs to be prepared for that. My youngest moves end of this school year and the core group of his friends are all moving across 2 or 3 different schools. One of the main schools a has a three form intake and each child from this school has been put into a different form. So even where 3 are going to one school, the school has very deliberately split them across forms.

This happened to my DS moving from KS1 to KS2.

What made it worse was that all the children were sat in the hall with their friends and were called up one by one for one of the classes, then the remainder were in the other class. One by one DS’s friends got called up (I worked in the school and was with my 1:1 child in the hall), until he was the only one left in the group that had been sat together. In typical 7-year-old boy style, as each one was called up, they punched the air and said “Yes!”, making it even worse.

I asked the class teacher afterwards why she’d chosen to do that and she said DS was friends with everyone so her view was that it didn’t matter what class he went into.

I told her that was where she was wrong - he had three best friends and they had all been put together, leaving him with no friends in the other class. DS made friends in the end - what choice did he have? - but the whole experience was horrible for him.

It's a very poor move and bad management from the school, but sadly there's nothing you can do about it.

Try to organise something with people from the new class if you can, day out somewhere. Insist on the friendships out of school from clubs with different people.

It sucks, but you can help him see it's not the end of the world.

@Melmanmartygloria

He's 9. His friends are also very upset that he's been moved to the other class he was crying yesterday at the end of school and this morning they were waiting for him but he didn't go. Like I said he doesn't have a problem adjusting he went to school happily without them all of last year but to deliberately split him off from the rest really has hurt him

I wouldn't give up if I were you. I would also encourage him to write a letter to the head and ask/explain his reasons for changing. I think it might help with her decision as he's taking an active approach. It worked at my dds school when they were all split up in year 5. A big group of them asked for a meeting and wrote a letter to the head asking for it to be arranged or at least kept the same as the year before and the head did change it back. Fingers crossed for you

Splitting a group in 2 would be more than enough, excluding one child is completely unacceptable.

Ok so he needs to go to school tomorrow, you can’t keep him off for this.
This happened every other year for DD as it was a split class if 45. We started off hating it, but it actually worked out fine. She got a bigger range of friends, built different relationships and was more resilient as a result. I know it seems like an outrage at the time, but if your head is anything like ours there was no chance of reversing the decision as it was split on DOB’s and that was that. Also they can play together at break times.

Do you honestly think that they took say for example 60 children and said right let’s split this group up. Or do you think they look at a range of dynamics of all children, to ensure best experience for all thinking about SEN, gender, behaviour, adults, EAL, wellbeing and mental health, ability etc maybe noticed this group but thought actually I know that child works really nicely with other children in the class, I have seen him playing with Fred so I think he will be fine. Especially as generally children to do not sit with their friends in class anyway and they can all play outside.

I’m really surprised that there has been a group of 4 boys, all really good friends from day dot, yet 3 have been placed in one class and one in another?

Why not split it 2:2 so no one would be in their own? Surely the don’t have full 30 children classes based on ability alone. I don’t believe this for a second!

I’d be really upset as we’ll OP and I’d take it again with the school and ask by it was 3:1 instead if 2:2?

I mean when my little ones school mixed up the classes we were aske to say 2 friends for dc. They do go left guarantee both but they guaranteed one of them.

I seriously doubt after the hours of work and considerations that go into this stuff they’re going to change the classes because your son is upset. They’re looking at educational factors - abilities, sen, behaviour, gender balance, children who distract each other or fight…. They won’t have randomly decided to pick on him and single him out, he’s not being “left out” - there’ll be reasons. That they can’t and shouldn’t have to explain to you. Your job is to reassure him that yes, it feels difficult right now but you have faith in him that he will cope and make new friends. He’s not even given it a chance yet!

I asked for dc1 to be separated from 1 boy yr r - into yr1. Dc1 was getting into trouble when with the boy but he was always fine. Dc1 was much better in yr1.

Maybe people should try to pick 1 class schools if they dont want kids mixed up. (I know its not easy though). It does have benefits of being able to split up kids who arent getting on.

It is possible one of the parents doesnt want them together for whatever reason -could just be being too silly /chatty etc.

Oh, I hate it when schools do this! It happened to my son when he moved up to Y3 - he was in a group of 4 but was very definitely best friends with one of them and had been since day 1 of Reception. He was split off from him, and one of the other four basically attached himself to his best friend in class, took over as 'best friend' and eventually forced DS out of the friendship group entirely. We spoke to the school repeatedly but they wouldn't budge and he had an awful year, because the others would make him feel left out even at break times. We (and the other boy's parents) tried keeping up the friendship outside school but it was never the same once they'd been split. He did eventually make a new best friend, but it took him until part-way through Y4 and that friendship was never really solid. He struggles a bit socially anyway and his Y2 teacher acknowledged this, but said they wanted to show him that he didn't 'need' his best friend. I understand that, but the school's actions left him essentially friendless for a long time and really knocked his confidence.

I think it’s awful tbh. I don’t know why schools do this, and why they are so intransigent when questioned. Your poor Ds.

I would keep challenging. If all 4 had been split then ok, but to do 3 together is unfair

As others have said look at safe guarding under mental health

Oh yes this is awful. All you can do is try and reassure your child. Ring the head again and say that you appreciate they aren't going to revisit the class lists but what are they going to do to reassure your child because he is so distressed. Also ask how it is being child centred if they haven't asked children who they would like to be with / taken their views into account.

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. It is devastating to see your child so unhappy and fretful. This happened to a child in my DC's year. The mum really kicked up a stink, saying it would be detrimental to her DC's emotional well-being. And the fact that it was unfair to be split from all of their main group of friends. She lobbied the school everyday. Was in tears in front of the Head of School. She won her case and her DC ended up with their best friends. However, at the start of the new school year the DC ended up making a new best friend and had little to do with the original group. The mum always says that she kicked up a stink for nothing. Hopefully all will be well with your DS. Perhaps still encourage he plays with them at weekends etc, but also try to arrange some play dates with some of the children in his other class. Perhaps also ask the new teacher to keep an eye on him and sit him next to some children he is friendly with. Good luck OP. I'm sure your DS will be fine🤞

@Deadleaf29
In my experience it is all a bit random tbh. Teachers don't necessarily know about friendships and there isn't necessarily a reason for one child being left out other than they are trying to make numbers work

@chocolateoranges33 - have and similar. It’s heartbreaking to watch. I also regret not intervening sooner.

*had

P.S. my DC's best friend left the school as parents moved to a different area for work. I was so worried as they were exceptionally close friends. But luckily I needn't have worried as my DC quickly made new friends and is very close to them. And actually it ended up being a positive thing as DC now has a close circle of friends rather than just one. Please try not to worry. Children can be extremely adaptable.

We had the same last year moving schools from infant to junior. My dc was moved from their class with no explanation.
It caused a lot of upset, despite being a fairly happy-go-lucky child this year has been hard for them.
School wasn't going to mix this year but have made a few exceptions, we are delighted that they are going back into the original class.
Covid bubbles make playing with other classes impossible, and we had no certainty that they would go by September.

In the nicest possible way I think you have handled this badly OP. It's understandable your child was upset but you should have been super positive about the opportunity of new friends etc and not gone marching into school to complain!
You could ask class teacher to buddy up with someone from new class and set up some play dates in the mean time.
As a Chair of Governors in a primary school please don't write to governors. This is an operational matter for the school and they will simply pass you back to class teacher/HT.

Given covid bubbles could potentially continue for another year i would be fighting for a justification and raising it with the school governors if the head isn't prepared to be reasonable. Bubbles mean in most primary schools that kids do not see their friends at breaks at all and to be isolated like that is cruel. The very least they could have done was split a group of 4 into 2 x 2 rather than 3 and 1.

Now, this has happened with my DS3. He starts P1 in August but isn't in the same class as the friendship group he made in nursery.

Normally I wouldn't mind. My older two just got on with it. But DS3 has a speech disorder so it surely would make sense to keep him with children who understand him?🤷

Meanwhile I extremely cross that our 2 form entry primary does not mix classes. DS is in a very boy light year group and I think could really benefit from getting to know some of other class a bit better. Didn’t think to ask when I chose the school as I didn’t know it was a thing not to mix the classes.