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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS split from rest of friends in school

128 replies

Melmanmartygloria · 29/06/2021 10:41

New classes came out on Monday for next year, my child has a group of 3 friends who he sees regularly on weekends and play dates and they've been in the same class since reception, the other 3 will be in the same class and he has been changed to the other class, he came home in floods of tears has been upset all night and this morning has refused to go to school would not get out of bed crying hasn't eaten breakfast saying why have I been changed. I took my other 2 to school and spoke to his teacher and the head and got met with the same response which was basically suck it up we won't be changing.
He attended school throughout lockdown as I was a key worker and adjusted really well with new people but still only wanted to see his regular friends when allowed again they do have a really special bond especially with one of them. Hes fantastic at his school work I never have to even tell him he will do his work before any type of play, never been in any trouble at school and always does extra work such as competitions.
What shall I do?
Headteacher was very short with me this morning saying there's no changing.
He went to school yesterday as a happy child and literally over night has turned in to a anxious worried child thinking they've done something wrong and fully refused to go. The only way I could of gotten him to school would of been to drag.
I'm at a loss please any advice

OP posts:

Heckythump1 · 29/06/2021 12:14

@Twistiesandshout

I think it's unfair. Yes it could build resilience, however I'm pretty sure the past 18 months will have done that.

They have been in the same class since reception, they are a tight knit bunch I think they should either have split them evenly or not split them.

Your poor DS.

How do you split them 'evenly'? However a class is split, there's bound to be at least one person who doesn't agree with it!

AnotherDayAnotherCake · 29/06/2021 12:20

I’m guessing one of the other parents has asked for the split.
It doesn’t make sense to isolate him otherwise.

Notebooksarefabulous · 29/06/2021 12:20

Fair enough if all the year group were mixed up, shaken about and put into different classes but very unfair on your ds to just move him and split him from his friends.
Normally I tend to think "get on with it and quit fussing" but in this instance I would absolutely write a letter to the school explaining as you have here. Its cruel on him and also on his friends to move him to another class without even considering the effect it would have.

Twistiesandshout · 29/06/2021 12:20

hecky - I meant split the boys small friendship group evenly. Which is certainly achievable and could have been factored into the decision.

Wigglefish123 · 29/06/2021 12:20

I'm sorry your son is upset.....however he and you really need to get on with it. The school have made a decision, for whatever reason, and this will be a long list of things over the next few years and for the rest of his life that you just have to deal with ! He will change schools in a few years anyway what happens then when he's in a different class to his friends or even a different school ?

No wonder younger people grow up entitled and pampered when just being in a different class causes so much upset..... he can still see them at play time and after school

10storeylovesong · 29/06/2021 12:23

My DS has changed classes several times. Despite being empathetic when he expresses upset, we very much stress the positives to him. We have looked at other ways for him to see his friends, such as sports clubs.

From another perspective, I am a police sergeant. The generation joining now have very little resilience, and each new intake has several people crying as they've not been put on the same team as the friend they made in training. When the practicalities are explained, they claim bullying and go off sick. It's a real problem and would not have happened 10 years ago.

Christmasfairy2020 · 29/06/2021 12:24

Tbh my dd had this and she hated the group of people she was placed with for ages. They are best friends now. He needs to learn resilience. I'd send him to school today and say u will see friends at play time

sashh · 29/06/2021 12:24

He's 9. His friends are also very upset that he's been moved to the other class he was crying yesterday at the end of school and this morning they were waiting for him but he didn't go. Like I said he doesn't have a problem adjusting he went to school happily without them all of last year but to deliberately split him off from the rest really has hurt him

This sounds to me like they have split the group into those who attended during covid and those who didn't and so need to catch up. How have they split the rest of the school?

It's hard on your son but sometimes things have to be done in a certain way, you need to help him adjust to this change.

I'm not unsympathetic I moved areas / schools 3 times at primary and it is shit to suddenly be with people you don't know.

Italiandreams · 29/06/2021 12:24

The school will be taking so many factors into account with this. It will not be about splitting this friendship group up. It’s a nightmare working out the dynamics for classes and sometimes things need to be relooked at to ensure the best school experience for all children. The school will be thinking about everyone in the year group. Like others have said model resilience to him, and give it a chance. There may be a new friendship just waiting to be made.

kindaclassy · 29/06/2021 12:27

It's disgusting to leave one child out. It does matter. It does affect them and has consequences.

When kids have already been left out during the lockdown, it's not building resilience, it's just a shit move from the school.

Italiandreams · 29/06/2021 12:31

People are making it more personal than it is. The decisions will be made based on all 60/90 however many children, I would always make sure the children have a friend in the new class but are these three the only children he ever talks to, because I would be amazed if that was the case. Children generally have wider friendship groups than parents are aware of.

LizJamIsFab · 29/06/2021 12:33

He might be better having wider friends. Can you facilitate him seeing them occasionally out of school.
I’d leave it as it is and reassure him his feelings are valid but don’t join him in his upset.

TwoLeftElbows · 29/06/2021 12:33

There are so many factors they have to consider when mixing the classes. I think it's reasonable to expect this kind of bump in the road once or twice, in the 7 years they're at primary school. It's just not always possible to get it right for 60 or 90 children at the same time, especially when some of them want exactly opposing things.

TwoLeftElbows · 29/06/2021 12:34

@LizJamIsFab

He might be better having wider friends. Can you facilitate him seeing them occasionally out of school. I’d leave it as it is and reassure him his feelings are valid but don’t join him in his upset.

Very well put.

kindaclassy · 29/06/2021 12:35

People are making it more personal than it is.

but that's how the child takes it, and that's what matters.
Of course adults can see the bigger picture, but the child?

Mixing up classes might be a very positive thing, but leaving out ONE child is not. It's unnecessary.

Adults can't stand being left out, but children should just shrug it out?

Beautiful3 · 29/06/2021 12:40

Bless him, it's a horrible situation for him. The same happened to my daughter twice. She was split from her friends and placed into another class. I complained the second time but it was non negotiable they said. Another member of staff did say that they normally move children away from their friends, if its seen as negative or distracting in class. My daughter made new friends both times, and it's taught her resilience. I think you'll have to explain to your son, not to worry that he can play with his friends at break & lunch time.

user1496146479 · 29/06/2021 12:42

@Wigglefish123

No wonder younger people grow up entitled and pampered when just being in a different class causes so much upset..... he can still see them at play time and after school

If bubbles persist he won't be able to play with the other boys at break time though

Italiandreams · 29/06/2021 12:42

Then as adults it’s our responsibility to help them adjust. One child have not been left out. The classes have been mixed and this child is not with his preferred friends but I guarantee their are other children he gets in with in the class, he will just widen his friendships. He can play with his other friends at play time. Does he never go to clubs etc without them?

Italiandreams · 29/06/2021 12:44

Bubbles are not going to be going on forever. No one is deliberately leaving one child out. The over dramatising of the situation is why the kids find it so hard!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 29/06/2021 12:46

Really surprised by this. When I was in primary school the classes were mixed each year and you could list 3 other children you wanted to try and stay with. They would then look at all the lists and you'd pretty much always be with at least one of your three, unless there was a serious reason why not, and the school would ring your parents if they weren't going to out you with any of them, and explain why.

I understand schools have lots of things to consider but a teacher should be aware of the friendships in their class and it seems odd he didn't get grouped with even 1 of his friends. By age 9 friendships can be properly established, it's not like reception/y1 where they change all the time.

ChrissyPlummer · 29/06/2021 12:46

My primary school never split classes, we were with the same group from Reception until we left.

At high school we were split by surname in Y7 and from then on in all the subjects we weren’t in sets for. I hated it; my surname was near the end of the alphabet and all my close friends were in the E-H bracket so I was with only 1 person I knew and we weren’t particularly friends. I looked forward to lessons like English & Maths as we were set by ability so I was with most of my old friends.

It didn’t make me a better zzs

chocolateoranges33 · 29/06/2021 12:47

This happened to my son is year 4 going into year 5 as the classes were unbalanced due to gender and behaviour issues) . We spoke to the head and were re-assured that class time was for learning, break time was for friendships etc. There was a group of around 8 of them and before the split they were about 50% in each class. After the split it was my DS and his 7 friends in the other class.

We didnt make a fuss, told our DS he would make new friends and could still see his friends at break, hobbies etc and that it would be fine.

It wasnt. Their friendships developed as they were together all the time, although my DS did see them at break etc but it was hard for him to follow some of their conversations as he wasnt in their class to see what had happened etc. My DS didnt make any good friends in his class as they were interested in very different things than my DS was so had nothing in common. Also, all school trips were arranged in class groups so he missed out on fun trips with his friends too as they were in the other class. Even the residential trip which was the highlight of YR6 was difficult for him as it was again arranged in class groups so he didnt get to travel on the coach with this friends, wasn't in their groups when away etc.

I have other children and I would never let the same thing happen again. Foe everyone saying it will be fine, he'll make other friends etc, thats not always true and i wouldn't risk my childs happiness over something that the school can fix very easily.

Loudestcat14 · 29/06/2021 12:48

What's the dynamic of the friendship and where does your DS sit within it, OP? By that, I mean is there one boy who tends to take charge and tells the others what to do? Is one of them quiet and just lets the others boss him about? The reason I ask is because schools put a lot of thought into how they split classes and if your DC's friendship group is as tight as you say it is, there will be a reason they've separated your son from his friends.

Other than that, I agree with PP – you need to work on the positives of how he'll still keep those friends but will make new ones.

kindaclassy · 29/06/2021 12:48

@Italiandreams

Bubbles are not going to be going on forever. No one is deliberately leaving one child out. The over dramatising of the situation is why the kids find it so hard!

so disingenuous.

Everybody knows groups of friends at school, could be 2, 3, 4.
These groups do exist.

When it's a 3, obviously one will be left out, what else can you do.

In a larger group, it is deliberate if only 1 is separated. Let's not pretend in a class of 30 there could have been no other solution than leaving one out!

notanothertakeaway · 29/06/2021 12:51

Children learn from their parents and carers. Don't feed his distress

You can acknowledge it's disappointing, but encourage him to think that it'll all be OK

I don't think he should have been allowed to stay at home today, but what's done is done

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