To feel uncomfortable about this gift?

[nineofhearts]

I'll preface this by saying I feel really bad in feeling this way, but I just can't help it. It would be good to get some perspective.

In short, my dad has recently come into some money. My sister told me this weekend that he is thinking of gifting DH and I a house deposit.

This should feel really good (and I'm very grateful) but it actually makes me quite uncomfortable. Mostly because I feel like a gift of this nature sort of makes it unavoidable to disclose your financial situation, which I want to keep private.

My DH also has different ideas over how this money should be spent. For example, I think that if we aren't quite in a position to get the mortgage amount we want for our forever home, we should put the gifted money in an ISA or similar and wait a year or so until we've added more/more debts are cleared. He thinks we should use some of the gift to pay off debts then resave the difference with the money we are saving.

This also makes me uncomfortable. I feel like if we are given money for a house deposit, we should spend it on that, not debt. I also feel if we wait, it opens the door for us to discuss our financial situation in more depth (I.e why we aren't buying straight away). All in all, I just feel super uncomfortable with the whole thing to the point where I just don't want it, if he chooses to give it us. Which I know is ridiculous.

Please help me get myself out of this funk.

Would a mortgage on a 'not your forever' home be less outgoings? Could you then still save for a forever home while being on the property ladder?

Your dad is gifting you a house deposit, not a means of paying off your debts.

Your DH should keep out. Repaying the debts suits him very well, as he's no longer responsible for them. What if (worst-case scenario) he left you as soon as your dad's money had been used to pay the debts off?

If you can't buy yet, the money goes into an ISA in your name. It's the only fair thing to do.

Accept it with glee and graciousness, as that would make your dad happy, then look around and keep looking for ages until you are in a position to buy. Good luck

I expect your dad will speak to you about this and then you will now what the gift is for. He might not mind if you pay off your debts. But if it's for a deposit and nothing else I think you'd either have to save it or decline it..

Do you know whether it would be gifted on the proviso that you use it for a deposit? Or will it just be gifted with 'you might want to use it as a house deposit'?
Either way I don't think he will demand you discuss your finances with him, or necessarily stipulate you have to use the funds now rather than in the future.
I think you are thinking yourself in circles before you need to think too much about it.

Mostly because I feel like a gift of this nature sort of makes it unavoidable to disclose your financial situation, which I want to keep private.

Disclose it to who?
Honestly, your dad is trying to do a good thing for you and you're turning it into an unnecessary drama. Refuse the gift if it's making you this uncomfortable.

Are you not close to your dad? This feels like a strange reaction to receiving money from a family member, more how I’d be if a stranger offered the money for a house deposit. Your dad is offering to help and do you a favour, not demanding to see your accounts. By all means tell him you’re not in a position to buy right now or just say you’re looking, I presume he won’t insist you buy next week.

If your debts are being charged interest your husbands plan makes more sense. Otherwise you are paying to have savings which isn’t ideal.

Your dad may not even give you the money so I wouldn't start mentally spending it but if he does and he says this is for a deposit, you can't take it, say thanks then use it for other things. What will you say if he asks how house hunting is going? How long before it looks odd? A year? 2? 5?
Is your dad someone who gives a gift freely with no expectations or is he someone who would demand information and involvement in decision making or forever remind you of the money he gave you?

Take the lovely gift OP and put it aside in a bank account in your name only. Tell your dad you're putting it away until you're ready to move which may be some time off as you want to get other issues sorted first. You could give examples of putting a slush fund together to pay for any new house expenses such as legal fees etc but really paying off debt. Don't bite off your nose to spite your face, these opportunities don't come around often. Enjoy!

If your dad is giving you money for a deposit then that’s what you use it for , if you don’t want to accept it don’t , you can’t pay off your debts with it unless you tell your dad and he agrees .

@saraclara

Your dad is gifting you a house deposit, not a means of paying off your debts.

Your DH should keep out. Repaying the debts suits him very well, as he's no longer responsible for them. What if (worst-case scenario) he left you as soon as your dad's money had been used to pay the debts off?

If you can't buy yet, the money goes into an ISA in your name. It's the only fair thing to do.

Yes, I agree with all of this.

I hate the idea of paying off mine or DH's debt off with any of his money regardless of how he gives it to us. It just feels wrong. A house deposit is a gift. But using the money to pay off debt feels like he's digging us out of a hole - and that shouldn't be my dad's problem.

@storminabuttercup

Would a mortgage on a 'not your forever' home be less outgoings? Could you then still save for a forever home while being on the property ladder?

Potentially. We really need to speak to a mortgage advisor to know our position.

I would much rather prefer that the home we buy be where we intend to live for a good long while, so would rather wait.

Accept it if you’re actually intending for using it for a deposit. It doesn’t mean that it comes with an obligation to buy one next week.

Also, your DH is overstepping the line by trying to dictate that it should be spent on paying off debts. In the most ideal scenario he should be grateful and supportive that your family wants to financially support you in buying a home but in ANY scenario he doesn’t get to say the money should be spent otherwise.

@storminabuttercup

Would a mortgage on a 'not your forever' home be less outgoings? Could you then still save for a forever home while being on the property ladder?

This. And what your bloke thinks is completely irrelevant. The money’s not being given to him, he’s an accidental beneficiary of home it buys.

To buy a home next week I mean

My dad works in finance, and so would take an interest in the process and would want to advise us on our journey. So he would be curious about where we are at and why we'd be choosing to continue to rent while sitting on a house deposit.

Are you going in the right direction with the debt and how long will it take you to clear? Because telling your Dad you'll look soon could be a great incentive to work on it.

It's very generous of your dad to gift you a deposit. You shouldn't have to disclose your financial situation to anybody though. If you can afford a £500k mortgage but buy a house for £350k, it doesn't matter. And if you want to wait a while before you find your house then that's fine, too!

Definitely don't use the money for paying off debts. It's so easy to get back into debt (once the money's gone, it's gone) and you'll save yourself so much by having a large deposit. Lower interest rates, solicitor costs, moving costs, renovations, etc.

Looking at it purely financially your dh plan is best. Are you paying interest on your debts - this will outstrip any interest you could get in savings account. So it will speed things up to clear the debt. You may struggle to get a mortgage with debt repayments to service. Without this expense you will do better on the affordability criteria.
I would cool your jets, wait till you actually have the gift and then talk to a mortgage advisor. If the end goal is to buy a house will your dad really be bothered where is contribution ends up?

If the end goal is to buy a house will your dad really be bothered where is contribution ends up?

I imagine he’ll be very bothered. I certainly would.

@nineofhearts

My dad works in finance, and so would take an interest in the process and would want to advise us on our journey. So he would be curious about where we are at and why we'd be choosing to continue to rent while sitting on a house deposit.

So his gift comes with a certain amount of control ?

Why did your sister tell you? Is she getting an equal amount?

You’re borrowing worry because you don’t even know what your dad may or may not be going to offer you.

If I was giving a DC some money for a house, I'd wait until they'd found the house and were ready to proceed before sending them the cash. Mainly because I suspect DS2 they might be in a similar position to you and if I sent the money early they'd never actually buy the house.

The old saying "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" comes to mind.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why did your sister tell you? Is she getting an equal amount?

You’re borrowing worry because you don’t even know what your dad may or may not be going to offer you.

She just told me in passing. No mention of amounts or how much she would get.