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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable about this gift?

169 replies

nineofhearts · 28/06/2021 13:54

I'll preface this by saying I feel really bad in feeling this way, but I just can't help it. It would be good to get some perspective.

In short, my dad has recently come into some money. My sister told me this weekend that he is thinking of gifting DH and I a house deposit.

This should feel really good (and I'm very grateful) but it actually makes me quite uncomfortable. Mostly because I feel like a gift of this nature sort of makes it unavoidable to disclose your financial situation, which I want to keep private.

My DH also has different ideas over how this money should be spent. For example, I think that if we aren't quite in a position to get the mortgage amount we want for our forever home, we should put the gifted money in an ISA or similar and wait a year or so until we've added more/more debts are cleared. He thinks we should use some of the gift to pay off debts then resave the difference with the money we are saving.

This also makes me uncomfortable. I feel like if we are given money for a house deposit, we should spend it on that, not debt. I also feel if we wait, it opens the door for us to discuss our financial situation in more depth (I.e why we aren't buying straight away). All in all, I just feel super uncomfortable with the whole thing to the point where I just don't want it, if he chooses to give it us. Which I know is ridiculous.

Please help me get myself out of this funk. Confused

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 28/06/2021 14:23

If your dad does end up offering you the money then perhaps you should explain to you dad that you aren't in a position to buy yet and ask him to put the money in something in his name until you are.

That way the money is there when it's needed for the purpose it is given and your husband can't reallocate it in the meantime.

That said, personally I'd say thanks but no thanks. What you said about him likely to want to be involved set off an ear splitting siren. I've seen how "interested", "curious" and "advice" around substantial money gifts goes and it's never pretty.

Weirdlynormal · 28/06/2021 14:24

How much are we talking OP? Deposit is one thing, but if you have a lot of debt you may find you can't actually get a suitable mortgage

Bluntness100 · 28/06/2021 14:25

Op are you ashamed and you don’t want your father to know you are both in debt? Is that it? You’d rather reject th money than admit it?

Original poster
nineofhearts · 28/06/2021 14:27

@Weirdlynormal

How much are we talking OP? Deposit is one thing, but if you have a lot of debt you may find you can't actually get a suitable mortgage
I don't know how much he would give us. I can't even guess.

I have a good idea of what we can/can't get mortgage-wise, which is why this is causing me all this worry.

We have been making a very concerted effort to clear our debts through snowball. We don't have any joint debt, just individual debt that predates each other. It is starting to snowball now and my career is taking off, so I'm about 1-2 years we will be in a much better position. I am very positive about where we are at and we have both knuckled down and taken control of our finances, I just dread having to have this conversation with anyone else because I don't want to be judged.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/06/2021 14:27

I am wondering how much debt there is, who accrued it, and how many years you are from being able to afford the sort of house you want to buy. I also wonder how much of a gap there is between your true financial position and the impression your family have.

Personally I would level with my DF but my guess is that you are protecting your DP from your DF's poor opinion.

OrangeRug · 28/06/2021 14:28

I suppose it depends on your relationship with your Dad really. My Dad has gifted me money lots of times. Sometimes I worry a bit that he might think I expect it (I don't!) but apart from that I'm very grateful.

warmandtoasty2day · 28/06/2021 14:29

i think i would want it confirmed from df before tying myself up in knots about deposits etc. Also if it was for a deposit, i'd look to get it ring fenced just in case of a future break up.
are the debts all your dh's or are they joint?

Original poster
nineofhearts · 28/06/2021 14:29

@Bluntness100

Op are you ashamed and you don’t want your father to know you are both in debt? Is that it? You’d rather reject th money than admit it?
Yeah, to be frank. This is it.

But not so much my debt, but DH's. It makes me feel embarrassed that this helping hand won't be enough to get us on the property ladder like he might expect, at least not soon.

OP posts:
viques · 28/06/2021 14:30

I think you should save the gifted money and then work out a way to pay off the debts as fast as you can, whoever incurred them. If you pay off the debts in one fell swoop using your dads gift then I think it would be all too easy to run them up again , if you work together to pay them off then the temptation to get into debt again will be reduced.

By the time the debts are paid off you might have got into the way of managing your money better.

HollowTalk · 28/06/2021 14:30

What caused the debts, OP?

Thewiseoneincognito · 28/06/2021 14:30

Why not ask him to pay off your debts and give you a head start on saving? Come clean on your credit cards etc you’ll feel a big relief.

Thewiseoneincognito · 28/06/2021 14:30

Is it gambling debt?

Backhills · 28/06/2021 14:31

Large gifts are always going to come with some strings. I wouldn't be giving a large sum to my child and their DH without being sure it was going to end up used for what it was given for.

If buying a house is 2 years away, that's when I'd give it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/06/2021 14:33

But not so much my debt, but DH's.

Is it from a different source or is it the amounts?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/06/2021 14:34

And don't ask your dad to pay off your debts. Because he shouldn't pay off your partner's and then you'll still be in a bad place to buy a house.

Cotton55 · 28/06/2021 14:34

If the money being gifted is for a house deposit, then that's what it should be used for and not to pay off debts as your dh is suggesting. That's not what it's being gifted for.
Your father may work in finance but I doubt he's expecting you to sit down with him and show him your bank statements?!

Also, quite often the monthly repayments on a mortgage can be cheaper than rent payments. And sometimes the only reason so many are stuck renting for so long is because they can't get the funds together for the size of a deposit that's needed to secure the mortgage.

Original poster
nineofhearts · 28/06/2021 14:34

No gambling debts or anything like that. DH is divorced and wasn't great with money. Mostly overspent on things he didn't need. Nothing awful or anything like that. Just bad money management.

As said, we have done A LOT of work in getting on the road to fixing it and we are almost at a point where we can save ourselves. It's just these conversations that make me feel uncomfortable because there's a certain amount of judgement that comes with it.

OP posts:
ramabanana · 28/06/2021 14:35

It would certainly be easier to get a mortgage without any debt (and having paid off that debt some time before applying) but I would also feel uncomfortable spending the money not directly on a deposit.

Would it be possible to put the money into a lifetime ISA in your name? There are pros and cons to taking one out but you could ultimately end up with a 25% bonus after having the money in for at least a year which will give you time to sort out your debts

Flowers500 · 28/06/2021 14:36

What level of debt are we talking about with your DH, and what is it from? TBH my initial thoughts with what you have said is that there's some kind of long term issue here, your DH gambling/being irresponsible/pissing money up the wall and you'd rather never be financially secure yourself than admit the truth to your parents? And let me guess, they're not the biggest fans of him anyway?

Original poster
nineofhearts · 28/06/2021 14:36

@MrsTerryPratchett

And don't ask your dad to pay off your debts. Because he shouldn't pay off your partner's and then you'll still be in a bad place to buy a house.
As I've said earlier in the thread, it's not my dad's responsibility to pay mine or my husbands debt. I would never dream of asking him to do that, nor do I want to use money gifted for a house deposit to pay off debt.
OP posts:
Flowers500 · 28/06/2021 14:36

How much debt are we talking? 5k or 50?

VettiyaIruken · 28/06/2021 14:37

So your husband wants to use money your dad gives you for a house deposit (assuming he does) to pay off his debts from before you were even together?

Yeah. I'd be ringfencing any gift and protecting it on any home ownership agreement so that it comes back to you in full in the event you split and the house is sold. I'm not sure what the term is.

Original poster
nineofhearts · 28/06/2021 14:37

@Flowers500

How much debt are we talking? 5k or 50?
More than 5K, less than 50K.
OP posts:
godmum56 · 28/06/2021 14:38

@nineofhearts

I'll preface this by saying I feel really bad in feeling this way, but I just can't help it. It would be good to get some perspective.

In short, my dad has recently come into some money. My sister told me this weekend that he is thinking of gifting DH and I a house deposit.

This should feel really good (and I'm very grateful) but it actually makes me quite uncomfortable. Mostly because I feel like a gift of this nature sort of makes it unavoidable to disclose your financial situation, which I want to keep private.

My DH also has different ideas over how this money should be spent. For example, I think that if we aren't quite in a position to get the mortgage amount we want for our forever home, we should put the gifted money in an ISA or similar and wait a year or so until we've added more/more debts are cleared. He thinks we should use some of the gift to pay off debts then resave the difference with the money we are saving.

This also makes me uncomfortable. I feel like if we are given money for a house deposit, we should spend it on that, not debt. I also feel if we wait, it opens the door for us to discuss our financial situation in more depth (I.e why we aren't buying straight away). All in all, I just feel super uncomfortable with the whole thing to the point where I just don't want it, if he chooses to give it us. Which I know is ridiculous.

Please help me get myself out of this funk. Confused

I think that first your Dad and then your sister should have kept quiet. Nothing is certain and yet its already creating problems. Where did your debts come from? Are they really joint debts? If the debts are considerable compared to your income, even a decent deposit won't get you a mortgage. The other thing i think is that gifts with strings aren't gifts. I wouldn't be in your position for a big clock.
godmum56 · 28/06/2021 14:39

just RB....so its your husbands debt he wan't to pay off with your father's gift? thats straying into CF territory!

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