To feel uncomfortable about this gift?

[nineofhearts]

I'll preface this by saying I feel really bad in feeling this way, but I just can't help it. It would be good to get some perspective.

In short, my dad has recently come into some money. My sister told me this weekend that he is thinking of gifting DH and I a house deposit.

This should feel really good (and I'm very grateful) but it actually makes me quite uncomfortable. Mostly because I feel like a gift of this nature sort of makes it unavoidable to disclose your financial situation, which I want to keep private.

My DH also has different ideas over how this money should be spent. For example, I think that if we aren't quite in a position to get the mortgage amount we want for our forever home, we should put the gifted money in an ISA or similar and wait a year or so until we've added more/more debts are cleared. He thinks we should use some of the gift to pay off debts then resave the difference with the money we are saving.

This also makes me uncomfortable. I feel like if we are given money for a house deposit, we should spend it on that, not debt. I also feel if we wait, it opens the door for us to discuss our financial situation in more depth (I.e why we aren't buying straight away). All in all, I just feel super uncomfortable with the whole thing to the point where I just don't want it, if he chooses to give it us. Which I know is ridiculous.

Please help me get myself out of this funk.

[quote MrsWarleggan]@JudgeJ

Agreed. I posted my circumstances due to it being that exact situation. Yes, it paid partly my debt, but debt that accrued throughout our relationship which in turn benefited our family. So whilst the debt was in my name it has always been treated as a joint debt.

Although, OP hasn't said whether his debt was from before they were together.[/quote]
The OP has said: "We don't have any joint debt, just individual debt that predates each other."

Can you tell your dad to just hang onto the money for a bit until you are ready to buy? Then stretch it out...

@MoreOfADogPerson

Apologies, I thought I had read all the OPs posts. I stand corrected.

[quote MrsWarleggan]@MoreOfADogPerson

Apologies, I thought I had read all the OPs posts. I stand corrected.[/quote]
No problem, it's easy to miss things.

@m00rfarm

I would get your dad to put it into one of his own bank accounts on your behalf. Then it is there when you need it, and if anything untoward happens with your relationship before then, there is no confusion about who it should belong to.

Very good idea-the money will be protected

Those saying its a good idea to pay off the debt.
This is the DHs debt, part of the process of change surrounding money/ overspending is to take total responsibility .
Its a red flag that he wants to pay off his debts using the money for a house deposit.
Whats to say he doesnt then

A.Leave.
B.Run it up again

If you get given a lump sum for a deposit and you can secure a mortgage, I would buy the house now. Even if it's not your forever home.

The worry is that putting it in an ISA or something, it won't keep up with house price rises. It might be a 10% deposit for something right now but only a 5% deposit in 18 months time

My nan gave me an amount for a house deposit in 2014. I kept it in an isa and am only using it now as I added to it over the years. I ringfenced it for that purpose and didn't dip into it for anything in the meantime, not when I got married or anything. Open a LISA and get government bonus on top while you take your time. My husband and I did and managed to add 8k to our mortgage by doing this as you can get 1k each every financial year if you both open one (if you are both first time buyers).

HRTWT.

1. When someone gifts you money you can spend it how you like- it’s not their money anymore, that’s not to say they won’t be upset if they have specified how it should be spent.
2. I don’t think you are compromising you financial situation. If anyone asks you just say ‘we got an unexpected inheritance’. You aren’t being asked to disclose you salary. I thought at least 50% of MN live off inheritances.

I assume you are renting now? So if/when your dad gives you the money could you not just say "Wow thanks dad that is so generous, unfortunately we only just signed our renewal last week so we are tied in here for a year, can you either keep it/ring fence it in a LISA/premium bonds until this time next year? That gives you a year, then you can take another few months looking for something, by which time if you have a set goal you can throw everything you've got at your debt and have a frugal year - not so hard if there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Or just say that one/both of you are hoping for a significant pay rise in the next year or two so you want to wait until then to buy because it means you can get a long term home rather than buying now and wanting to move in a year or two.

Or that as you will have missed the stamp duty holiday you want to wait and see if that has an effect on the market and if house prices settle down?

Or your office/s are talking about moving to wfh so you want to see what the decision is as how often you commute will affect where you want to buy?

Basically just make up an excuse that will give you some breathing time and chuck everything at your debt in the mean time.

I must admit, if I gifted my children the money for a deposit I’d want it spent on a deposit. It wouldn’t need to be their forever home, but it would get them on the housing ladder and provide security for them. I presume you and your husbands debt is manageable?

I agree with you OP. He's giving you the money for a specific purpose.

Also - your DH is a spendthrift and will never re-save the money.

His debts are his responsbility.

Couldn’t agree more with @Templetreebloom

There is no way I would contribute in paying off a partners debt that pre-dates a relationship and I wouldn’t expect my partner to pay off mine. I definitely wouldn’t be using my parents money to pay off anyone’s debt (and that also includes mine)

Taking responsibility is key for me and if my partner even suggested what the OPs is it would be a deal breaker for me

I'm worried about OP's DH being unwise around money.

Say you use the gift from your DF to pay off his and your debts and continue saving to add to your deposit pot with what is left of the gift. You save like mad in a diciplined way but DH starts to feel comfortable running up debts again and you can't get a mortgage without raiding your savings pot to clear his debt.

What then? Is he really a changed man or would zero balances on his cards just send him on a spending spree?

My dad worked in finance, didn't really understand how people got into debt and might even be a bit judgy about those who did. So I feel your pain. Fortunately I never got into debt but I did spend too much money when I should have been saving. If my dad had looked at what I was spending, he would definitely would not have approved.

But in your position I would look at it this way.

revealing debt + judgement = new house
concealing debt = no new house (but still judged for turning money down)

Plus he's in finance. They're not that imaginative. He'll take an educated guess as to why you're not buying a house. Unless there's some sort of back story with your relationship, fess up, take the dosh and ask for advice. Dad's LOVE to give advice.

In general, I'd say to always pay off your debts before saving. Interest rates on debts are always going to be higher than savings, the sooner you can clear a debt the better.

Having said that, this is no average windfall, it's a gift intended for a specific purpose. In this situation I would talk to my dad about how he envisages this money being used - he might not be as firmly wedded to the idea of a house deposit as you think, or he might insist that that's what it's for. Either way, you know better then how to proceed.

The issue that jumps out at me, though, is a feeling that you don't quite trust your partner when it comes to handling money. If you can't agree on something like this, it can open up a huge can of worms - you need to be on the same page for major money decisions.

Accept it gratefully, just make it clear you will put the money in an account while you look for a house. Your dad may have in mind not giving you the money until you are ready to buy anyway.

You don’t have to explain your financial position if you don’t want to, you could say you are saving extra for a solicitor, and surveys, or for a bigger deposit.

Definitely don’t let your boyfriend talk you in to using it for anything else.

It's not my dad's responsibility to pay mine or my husbands debt. I would never dream of asking him to do that, nor do I want to use money gifted for a house deposit to pay off debt

I agree with you completely, but unfortunately this is exactly what your DH does want to do

It's good that you're both working on reducing your debts, but I wonder just how much of this is being driven by you. With a background of poor money management and spending on "stuff he didn't need" I'd worry that this would be just too easy for him and that, rather than saving again, he'd be back to racking up debt

Judgement or not I really think you'll have to discuss this with your dad, but given the mismatch in attitudes to money there's simply no way I'd agree to DH's proposal - and luckily, since it's coming from your DF, you don't have to

decline it and give your dad my details please!

DH doesn't get a say.. he's hugely lucky that you're going to get this deposit for free

Put in a high interest savings account until you've found the right property and absolutely don't use to pay off debts

@Twistered

decline it and give your dad my details please!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Can you get a mortgage on your own and buy house yourself?

I would get your dad to put it into one of his own bank accounts on your behalf. Then it is there when you need it, and if anything untoward happens with your relationship before then, there is no confusion about who it should belong to

That's actually a pretty good idea ... and the DH's reaction to it being done could be instructive

Usual MN hypocrisy, had this been the paternal father giving the money it would be deemd as 'family money' and the wife would not be told to 'keep put' of it! Those advising the OP to bank the money in her name only are also perpetuating the hypocrisy, how long before it becomes her little 'running away' pot?

@JudgeJ I'd say exactly the same if OP was male, his wife had built up a load of debt when living with someone else, and she suggested using her FIL's deposit gift to pay off HER debt.

Any spouse suggesting their own debt be paid off with a house deposit gift from their partner's parent, is a CF, whatever their sex.

@SpiderinaWingMirror

@Puzzledandpissedoff

I would get your dad to put it into one of his own bank accounts on your behalf. Then it is there when you need it, and if anything untoward happens with your relationship before then, there is no confusion about who it should belong to

That's actually a pretty good idea ... and the DH's reaction to it being done could be instructive

This is a brilliant idea - the only exception being that your dad dies before you’re ready to get the money back but make sure you’ve covered all bases