To feel uncomfortable about this gift?

[nineofhearts]

I'll preface this by saying I feel really bad in feeling this way, but I just can't help it. It would be good to get some perspective.

In short, my dad has recently come into some money. My sister told me this weekend that he is thinking of gifting DH and I a house deposit.

This should feel really good (and I'm very grateful) but it actually makes me quite uncomfortable. Mostly because I feel like a gift of this nature sort of makes it unavoidable to disclose your financial situation, which I want to keep private.

My DH also has different ideas over how this money should be spent. For example, I think that if we aren't quite in a position to get the mortgage amount we want for our forever home, we should put the gifted money in an ISA or similar and wait a year or so until we've added more/more debts are cleared. He thinks we should use some of the gift to pay off debts then resave the difference with the money we are saving.

This also makes me uncomfortable. I feel like if we are given money for a house deposit, we should spend it on that, not debt. I also feel if we wait, it opens the door for us to discuss our financial situation in more depth (I.e why we aren't buying straight away). All in all, I just feel super uncomfortable with the whole thing to the point where I just don't want it, if he chooses to give it us. Which I know is ridiculous.

Please help me get myself out of this funk.

I wouldn't let DH have a say. It's your money. Not his.

I would put the money in an account that only you have access to for the purposes of a house deposit. It shouldn't be used to pay off debt.

OP - I'm currently saving for my first house and the first thing my mortgage advisor said was there's no point applying until debts are paid, so I saw paying debts back as just as important as saving a deposit - in fact I prioritised former before latter. If you explain it to your Dad that it all counts towards you getting a mortgage would he not understand?

I get the not wanting to disclose debts though, but it might be worth it in order to have the help? (I had to do something similar recently and it was a weight off).

@Margerine78 have you not read the full thread?
The debts were incurred by OP’s husband. There’s nothing to stop him from dumping her once debts are paid (with HER money) . The debts were also the result of unwise decisions (not student/medical debt) which means that he’s likely to continue pissing money away once they’re all paid off.

*by OP’s husband before he even met OP

[quote CastawayQueen]@Margerine78 have you not read the full thread?
The debts were incurred by OP’s husband. There’s nothing to stop him from dumping her once debts are paid (with HER money) . The debts were also the result of unwise decisions (not student/medical debt) which means that he’s likely to continue pissing money away once they’re all paid off.[/quote]
Oops, sorry, no I didn't, I'm caught up now though. In that case, I would not put my money, or money gifted to me, towards paying off someone else's debts so I take it back (I'm single so was thinking of it as a single person).

I think the OP should pay her debts off, and save the rest until DH catches up on sorting his own stuff out!

[quote CastawayQueen]@Margerine78 have you not read the full thread?
The debts were incurred by OP’s husband. There’s nothing to stop him from dumping her once debts are paid (with HER money) . The debts were also the result of unwise decisions (not student/medical debt) which means that he’s likely to continue pissing money away once they’re all paid off.[/quote]
Agree
The fact that he has suggested this is a finincial red flag and indicates that he has not changed his mindset.

Put deposit money into LISA then you will get government top up too. I think you have to leave it a year. So you tell your Dad you must leave it a year. Work hard over next year to pay off debts. End of year, debts paid off, start looking for house. Your LISA will keep growing if you keep adding to it.

Be honest with your dad and tell him the truth, you don't need to disclose the amount of your debt, but ask him to invest it for future use, and then start to clear your debts before you access this other money. you never know your dad might agree with DH

If you get a gift for a deposit it should be spent on that.

House prices are a bit mad right now so I think waiting a year and adding to it is an OK idea too

Are loan rates higher than mortgage rates?
Loans my also be taken into account when you apply for the mortgage. Paying off a loan worth 10 may cost you 11 but it would take years to save 10 back up.
Take the gift, apply for a mortgage and see what conditions are applied before making the decision.

Pride comes before a fall. Why not talk to your dad about your finances before he gifts you the money. He works in finance and might be able to help you with managing both your debts, not by providing the funds but he'll know more than you do. If you can't trust your dad, then who can you trust. I'm sure he wants the best for you and wouldn't be too worried about judging you, bit helping.
I got chased up for a debt from pre marriage, hid it from my husband and managed to pay it off, only to find out later that I hadn't needed to pay as it was out of time. Wish I'd spoken about it instead of hiding it. So speak to your dad, you never know.

Plenty of people would love to be in your position.

Plenty of parents who can’t afford to help their dcs would love to be able to do it.

If you really feel so ‘uncomfortable’ then decline the gift. Or suggest that the money goes instead into e.g. S&S junior ISAs for your dcs.

We have helped both our dcs. We told them in advance how much we’d be giving, so that they knew their price limit, but didn’t hand it over until the funds were needed for completion. Of course we had to provide proof of funds to the lender, and IIRC their origin, and to sign something to say that it was an outright gift, not a loan.

Surely if you paid your debts of which I presume you are paying interest on, you’d be able to save more.

Accept it! He’s in his right mind and this is what he wants. After a very minor family argument, in a fit of pique, my dad disinherited me and gave all his money to battersea dogs home. Hurts like hell especially as I ended up caring for him. You never know what life has in store, take the money with gratitude.

Are you even likely to get a mortgage with your current debt?

I would tell your dad you are not in a position to buy yet but to please hold onto the money for you until you are. If he's in finance he will be happy to find a good investment to park it in for you until you are ready for it.

And you have to tell your DH you are not comfortable using money offered as a deposit for any other purpose.

I would look at what you can afford now and get on the property ladder. Less mortgage means better holidays. I think you are bonkers. You're lucky to have a dad like this who is also willing to give you free financial advice. I think there is another reason why you don't want him to know.

Sorry, haven't RTFT so this may have already been said. Although your dad is doing a lovely thing, you don't have to fully disclose your financial situation to him, although debt is nothing to be ashamed of especially in the current climate. If you do however each have debt, regardless of your deposit it may affect your ability to get the mortgage you need to buy a house, so using some of the gift to clear that debt may actually enable you to go ahead and purchase sooner if you then save the money which would otherwise have serviced the payments. You might have to let your dad know this, without figures, as being in finance he will understand and may be happy that you're trying to maximise :-)