To feel uncomfortable about this gift?

[nineofhearts]

I'll preface this by saying I feel really bad in feeling this way, but I just can't help it. It would be good to get some perspective.

In short, my dad has recently come into some money. My sister told me this weekend that he is thinking of gifting DH and I a house deposit.

This should feel really good (and I'm very grateful) but it actually makes me quite uncomfortable. Mostly because I feel like a gift of this nature sort of makes it unavoidable to disclose your financial situation, which I want to keep private.

My DH also has different ideas over how this money should be spent. For example, I think that if we aren't quite in a position to get the mortgage amount we want for our forever home, we should put the gifted money in an ISA or similar and wait a year or so until we've added more/more debts are cleared. He thinks we should use some of the gift to pay off debts then resave the difference with the money we are saving.

This also makes me uncomfortable. I feel like if we are given money for a house deposit, we should spend it on that, not debt. I also feel if we wait, it opens the door for us to discuss our financial situation in more depth (I.e why we aren't buying straight away). All in all, I just feel super uncomfortable with the whole thing to the point where I just don't want it, if he chooses to give it us. Which I know is ridiculous.

Please help me get myself out of this funk.

I'm giving my son £15k to add to his deposit for a house. that money is going on a deposit for a house and nothing else, i'll make sure of it. It's to secure his future and nothing else.

If you're not in a position to buy at the moment why can't your dad just hang on to the money until you are?

Use it for the house, he is doing you an amazing favour in the long run.

In my experience, mortgage lenders hate debt. So it may be that you absolutely have to clear the debt before you'll get the mortgage.

Your DH needs to keep his nose out. The money will be yours for you to decide what to do with it.

Honestly, I think you should stop tying yourself up in knots over something that hasn't yet happened; wait until your dad - not your sister - tells you of his plans.

Why do you think your dad would want to know your financial situation? My inlaws gave us some money to go towards a house deposit a few years a go. We still haven't bought a house because we're not in a position to do so and the money is in an isa. They haven't asked us about it once.

You also don't have to tell him. It's a gift, it's yours to do with what you like once you're given it.

No need to discuss your financial situation with DF. I have given each of my children a lump sum to help with their house deposits. I told them how much - it was 1/3 of my half share inheritance from the sale of my late mother's house. I did specify it was only for a freehold house purchase; not even for buying a flat! I never asked what their own savings were or how much the house cost or what their other obligations were. None of my business!

I hung onto it in a pension until each was ready, so it grew a bit. Well, quite a lot - better than an ISA.

Don't use it to pay debts, work at that separately. The idea it will be made up in savings is unlikely to happen. If you're worried it will get frittered away, ask DF to invest it for you until you've seen the right property. Ask for it when you're ready. If you don't have it, DH can't pressure you to spend it in other ways!

YOU, should be able to make this decision about the money. And do the sensible thing. And not use it,or some of it,to pay off debts.. Your Father would not be happy with this I am sure.. If your Father is good with his money,then he would tell you to be sensible,and use the money, for the purpose that he wanted it to be for.

I would see this as a positive, let it give you and DH motivation to clear debts. If/when it happens accept it graciously and ask your Dad to hold on to it until you’re ready to buy. Could take a year to find something your happy with. Hopefully your Dad would only try to help and advise re debt. Congratulations, hope it works out and you get your forever home.

I think I would thank Dad profusely.
Tell him that you would like him to hold and invest the money until you and dh are in a clear position to decide what or where to buy.
You will let him know when that is. Reiterate it's a great blessing to know that the money is earmarked etc etc. And wouldn't Great Aunt Fanny be delighted to know what it will be used for.
DH can use it to motivate himself to pay off his debts first.

Lol. Great minds think alike stinkerbell!

Try not to worry about something that hasn't happened yet. And a lot can happen between your sister telling you (which she probably shouldn't have mentioned) and your dad making the offer.

If the offer is made I'd simply say "Dad, that's so lovely of you. But DH and I are not in a position to buy right now. You can either hold on to the money until we're ready to buy or I will put it in a savings account in my name".

I know things are different where I live (US) but here, unless it's an inheritance, everything acquired during a marriage is considered community property, even if it's in a separate account and even if it's a gift. So before you accept this gift and put it in your sole name be absolutely sure that's not the situation where you live. I'm sure your DH is a lovely man but it's better to be safe than sorry.

My house which I bought at Xmas has shot up in value by 50k in just six months. If you wait and save for the forever house you may be pushed further away from it by a rising market. Bite his hand off, what a lovely gesture.

I really appreciate the advice here.

I am getting too worked up about all this, but I'm a worrier by nature. I don't want such a generous gift to leave anyone feeling uncomfortable so I just want to be sure to do the right things.

Clarification on a few points:

I am not paying any of my husbands debt. We are each working separately on our own. Mine are smaller, but I earn around half of what he does, so it's all relative I guess.

I know we can't get a mortgage until the debt is significantly reduced, this is why I would feel awkward about telling my dad where we are up to if/when this happens.

I accept that we will need to have a frank conversation and seek advice. I would just like to protect my husband from any sort of judgement because we have worked so hard to get where we are and we continue to do so. It would be painful to feel like we are being judged on what we are/aren't doing. But perhaps that is my problem to deal with.

@CassandraTrotter

I wouldnt be paying off your husband’s debt. What does that teach him? And I would be ringfencing the deposit too.

This. Your DH is very very cheeky. Seriously WTAF how dare he even suggest this. I agree to tell your DF that you want to save a bit more, wait for pay rises and then put the deposit in your name only in a savongs account. When you do buy ensure that the total deposit you pay is ring fenced as PP suggested. Your DH is setting alarm bells off here

@saraclara

Your dad is gifting you a house deposit, not a means of paying off your debts.

Your DH should keep out. Repaying the debts suits him very well, as he's no longer responsible for them. What if (worst-case scenario) he left you as soon as your dad's money had been used to pay the debts off?

If you can't buy yet, the money goes into an ISA in your name. It's the only fair thing to do.

Usual MN hypocrisy, had this been the paternal father giving the money it would be deemd as 'family money' and the wife would not be told to 'keep put' of it! Those advising the OP to bank the money in her name only are also perpetuating the hypocrisy, how long before it becomes her little 'running away' pot?

DH family gifted us a house deposit - we didnt actually get the money (partly due to probabte/family trust set-up) until we needed too transfer it to the solictiors - so aout 6 months after we were offered the money. Could you not 'accept' the gift but ask your dad to hold onto it until you actually need to pay the deposit, take your time 'looking' for a house while paying off debts.
we didnt disclose any of our finances to DH family, but equally we were desperate to buy and move as had nightmare neighbours!

OP, I think you need to manage your own expectations here to avoid disappointment.

Given that your dad works in finance, do you think it is likely that he’s going to gift an amount to you and you husband when your husband has already been divorced once without some serious strings attached?

Is your dad the kind of person who can give a gift and then walk away, or will be want to be heavily involved?

My father is absolutely lovely but have a serious control issue when it comes to financial matters so I’d never involve him in something like this.

It doesn't make logical sense to save the money gifted whilst servicing debts. The debts are likely to have a far higher interest rate and if they can be cleared you will be able to save faster and build up your credit rating again ahead of applying for a mortgage.

Either you are in it together or you aren't.

I'm in a sort of similar but smaller scale situation where I have savings and DP (civil partner) has a car loan. He will not let me clear it despite the fact that his loan APR is higher than the savings interest rate I'm getting. It's quite frustratingly illogical.

If you go onto the MSE website it will tell you that the first thing to do is clear unsecured debts, credit cards and so on.

Can you just not tell your dad to keep the money until you're ready to buy a house? Seems the most sensible thing to do, to me.

@JudgeJ

Agreed. I posted my circumstances due to it being that exact situation. Yes, it paid partly my debt, but debt that accrued throughout our relationship which in turn benefited our family. So whilst the debt was in my name it has always been treated as a joint debt.

Although, OP hasn't said whether his debt was from before they were together.

@katienana

Looking at it purely financially your dh plan is best. Are you paying interest on your debts - this will outstrip any interest you could get in savings account. So it will speed things up to clear the debt. You may struggle to get a mortgage with debt repayments to service. Without this expense you will do better on the affordability criteria. I would cool your jets, wait till you actually have the gift and then talk to a mortgage advisor. If the end goal is to buy a house will your dad really be bothered where is contribution ends up?

I think this is really good advice. You are unlikely to get interest on savings that will be more than the interest you are being charged for the debts. Are you a bit scared of talking to your dad about debt? If he is in finance he may be able to help you and give you good advice. Sadly i think many people with financial problems are scared to talk about it with friends and family, but talking it through with people can really help. He may be a initially bit shocked or upset you are in the situation, but hopefully would get past that to offer you constructive advice. Ultimately if he wants to gift you money it is because he wants you to have financial security and a home of your own.

Your husband sounds very entitled. If you have any doubts whatsoever about a future with him, I'd tell my dad to hold onto any money for a while.

I would get your dad to put it into one of his own bank accounts on your behalf. Then it is there when you need it, and if anything untoward happens with your relationship before then, there is no confusion about who it should belong to.