To wonder how people manage with bigger families?

[Lemonwoe]

First of all: I’m not judging: everyone makes different life choices: and what suits me won’t suit everyone else.

But I’ve often wondered how people manage with larger families (ie any more than one child): things like space in the home: financially, energy to look after them all.
Most of my friends and family have more than one child (my close friend has 4), and I honestly don’t know how they manage without having a breakdown.

I only have one child (and work 4 days a week) but I’m blooming knackered: particularly the last year with lockdown and homeschooling

@30degreesandmeltinghere me too! (I mean 50 this week). Happy Birthday

I have 3 grown up DC and didn’t find it difficult. I think having money really helps, we moved from a four bedroom to a five bedroom house when the youngest just turned 1. I was a SAHM and my DC went to nursery for a few hours a week from a young age. I was also a member of a really good health club so used the crèche there a lot. We had to get a big people carrier car for a few years because of the double buggy and all the DC. Holidays were good as we tended to go on 1 or 2 Mark Warner holidays a year where there was childcare and then something like a Haven or Center Parcs holiday.
I was fortunate to have 3 really good sleepers and I found keeping to my day time routine really helped. The downside was it was inflexible say as weekends for example.

I have two and the house is permanently full of piles of laundry. The thought of a third child makes me shudder.

I know a couple of people with three and they basically cope by having lower standards! I don't mean "call social services" kind of stuff, but there is less time and money spent on educational stuff and holidays are less frequent and have to be done the cheap way (usually some kind of self catering involving Mum doing a lot of domestic stuff).

Not my cup of tea. But if a person really wants a large family and finds it emotionally fulfilling, they make it work. My friends with three seem happy enough.

RainyAfternoon and a Happy Birthday to you!

Other half is one of 8 including parents and that has put me right off having a big family tbh

We had twins , first kids so two at once. It's been an adjustment and financially uphill but I'm hoping to return to work full time soon (I work part time now). I think the key is slow and steady wins the race. Just get things done in time and if you can't do it , let it go. The people who love you, will love you regardless.

I think there's too much pressure nowadays with instagram parties , picture perfect days. Keep it simple, live within your means. Your kids don't need perfect they need happy and calm parents.

I wouldn't class a family as BIG unless it was over 3 children. Probably because I grew up with one sibling and my extended family typically had between 1 and 3 children. The only exception to this is my dad's family as he was the eldest of 4 children.

As others have said, the last year isn't the best way to measure how families cope as it's not 'typical' life with homeschooling etc. My mum was a teacher (retired now) so she had the bonus of being off for all the school holidays to look after me and my brother (5 years older than me). My dad was a self-employed builder so he had flexibility to choose his working hours and was always home to pick us up from school and have dinner ready at the end of the day. He also took a year off work when my mum's maternity leave ended to look after me and my brother.
The age gap of 5 years helped for my parents I think as, from what my mum told me, my brother was able to play with me and keep me occupied when my mum was busy with anything.
People just get on with things as best they can. My sister in law had 3 under the age of 5 and her husband died unexpectedly so was a single mother of 3 for a while. I think she had lots of support from her parents though.
There probably was A LOT of exhaustion and mental health difficulties 'back in the day', but it's only really coming to light as people are more willing to talk about them now - one of the bonuses of the internet and social media, so people can reconnect and know that they're not the exception to the rule that people with big families have to be happy all the time and not feel drained in looking after little humans who need our undivided attention.

I think families cope by working together as a unit - whether that's a couple working together or a single parent with support from family, friends and childcare. It ain't always perfect, but what aspect of life is?!

I have 3 dcs and work freelance , it's a good job and flexible but this is very nessesary as we live in an area with very limited childcare options particularly our location and we have lots of family but they don't help at all , not even rare babysitting. I think if you have multiple kids it's more difficult to keep both working ft especially as the kids get older and have v long holidays, clubs etc. All the parents I know who have a few kids qnd work ft have family support. My dh works ft, I can increase my hours when I want. All our dcs are the same sex and close in age so although they are all very different we can pass down clothes and the like similar toys .
Tbh it is very busy and we are very tired. I'm like you too op in that I found the baby stage v v v easy and I didn't even have good sleepers !! It was just very simple, easy to do things with a portable baby, I found 1-3 way, way,way harder, couldn't get over how much more difficult it was.
However! Our 3 play loads together, holidays are easier than when we had one (only had one on their own for 2 years) , they occupy each other , they love each other which is wonderful to see. We do make time to spend one to one time together but I find my youngest is v v difficult to occupy on his own as he's so used to having playmates!! Also I worry less than when I had one, when my dh ever goes away with them, I always know they have each other. I will say though that ppl always said and always say the 2nd is so much easier than the first, my 2nd dc was a lot more difficult than my first, huge issues with reflux which went on years, didn't sleep for years, tantrummed a lot ( my first was a v v easy, chilled dc so it was a huge shock and proved to me its not what you do but how the child is!). He is a wonderful older child, hugely intelligent , artistic and the kindest child I know, he's fab but he nearly killed us the first few years.....
They are getting older and tbh it's absolutely wonderful to see then together and they have have great relationship. It is very very full-on though, we are both 36 and definitely not having anymore but 3 is the perfect number for us

Also meant to add there's a lot of physical working and this massively increases with multiples , washing, food buying, cooking etc etc etc

I would call 4 and above a large family.
Some people like having lots of children.
Im not one of them

It just looks so chaotic and friends/ family with 4 and above seem permanently exhausted and moaning.
I always wonder why have them if its so hard?
I have a sneaking suspicion that they love the baby stage, whereas I found I loved the years after that and so some people have lots and some think of the baby stage and think nope!

@Lemonwoe - I had three children, with about 2 years between each, and I firmly believe that the skills I learned looking after ds1 enabled me to manage once I had two and then three children.

I think your skills improve with (the constant) repetition, and you also pick up little short cuts (I guess nowadays they’d be called hacks) that speed things up or make them easier - and then when No2 comes along, you are more confident and efficient at dealing with the newborn, and you’ve got dealing with the toddler well in hand too, and this makes it possible to cope.

The work load increases but not at the same rate though. Having four is not four times harder than having one. Doing a school run with 2 kids is not twice as hard as for just one . Cooking for six in not twice as hard as cooking for 3 etc. Toys. Books and clothes can all be reused. You learn how to manage children so it becomes easier.

I actually found having one the most difficult.

@Lemonwoe

I’m sorry if anyone thinks this is a goady thread: I was just curious around how families manage: because I certainly couldn’t! I’m knackered with just one child! Mind you, he wants my attention ALL THE TIME!

I think some people are just better able to cope with parenting than others. If you are struggling with one then it makes sense for you to stick to one but just because you struggle with one it doesn't make that true for everyone.

I think the answer to your question is quite simple they are just better at coping with parenting than you are. We all have some things we are better at than others.

I think it also depends on you, your DC and how you want your family life to be.

My first was and is incredibly time-consuming, demanding and emotionally exhausting (and physically as he woke multiple times a night until he was 7 years old). We discovered aged 9 that he has AdHD and dyspraxia which explains a LOT.

I happily had DC2 but did not want more despite DH (and DC!) wanting more and I don't regret it. As they get older they need me just as much, but in different ways.

I know families with 3-9 DC and some are very laid-back (which I can't be) and others are run with military precision (which is how I'd end up coping but I wouldn't be happy in that role).

@Duckyneedsaclean I’ve never found having one intense tbh, with the power of the internet and being able to chat to friends, ndn dc to play with when DS was younger etc, DS occupies his time really well and isn’t ‘needy’ of our time because he doesn’t have siblings.

I suppose it’s down to individual temperament?

You could maybe think of this another way and that these moments are more intense because they’re not used to one to one time with you?

Not a snarky reply but rather another view point.

know families with 3-9 DC and some are very laid-back (which I can't be) and others are run with military precision (which is how I'd end up coping but I wouldn't be happy in that role).
I think this is how I feel.
Military campaign sums it up

I simply couldnt stand feeling like I didnt have time to breathe or enjoy my children .

Interesting that PP said 4 children dont make 4 times the work, thats exactly what my friends grumble about,the endleess washing, shopping,cooking but also the school run and going anywhere at Weekends or in the holidays.
Its so much extra work

I've had too many. I really wanted each at the time but motherhood just hasn't been what I expected.

Eldest is an adult and I feel like I wasted the best years of my life for nothing.

My home doesn't feel like my home.

I feel like a prisoner, with them my guards.

I can't have anything like the normal life my free friends take for granted.

They take all my money and treat me like the shit on their shoes.

Motherhood is a con.

@felulageller

I've had too many. I really wanted each at the time but motherhood just hasn't been what I expected.

Eldest is an adult and I feel like I wasted the best years of my life for nothing.

My home doesn't feel like my home.

I feel like a prisoner, with them my guards.

I can't have anything like the normal life my free friends take for granted.

They take all my money and treat me like the shit on their shoes.

Motherhood is a con.

I have a picture in my house of my great great grandparents with their 6 children, now they had it hard in Victorian England! It’s only hard if you make it hard otherwise the Radfords would not have managed 22 children. Obviously if there are SEN issues and illness that’s different.

My biggest worry if I had a big family is contingency if life takes a dramatic turn. So a parent becoming seriously ill for example.

@stairway

I have a picture in my house of my great great grandparents with their 6 children, now they had it hard in Victorian England! It’s only hard if you make it hard otherwise the Radfords would not have managed 22 children. Obviously if there are SEN issues and illness that’s different.

" its only hard if you make it hard"

Thats a typical shutting down sentence similar to " only boring people get bored"
Parenting is hard, sometimes.
Children have thoughts,needs and feelings of their own which dont always tie in with their parents .
Ignoring them so it isnt hard on you isnt perhaps the best method of parenting .

?? I don’t ignore my children’s feelings. I just don’t see having lots of children as that hard. If you enjoy children that is.

@stairway

?? I don’t ignore my children’s feelings. I just don’t see having lots of children as that hard. If you enjoy children that is.

You said that its the parents who make it hard ? Surely its down to all different factors including your children's needs not parents making it hard for themselves?